Thursday, February 23, 2012

BFFs and Cliques- Necessary Evils?

This week, our 7th graders engaged in internet safety training workshops conducted by Mr. Mark DeBenedictis, an Adaptive Computer Specialist who specializes in internet safety workshops for all ages. His engaging manner succeeded in creating a dialogue in class where students felt comfortable asking questions and discussing the dangers they have already confronted on the internet. (Our sixth and eighth graders will have their workshops next week, so stay tuned for more details in next week's column).

One “warning” he discussed with the students was the dangers of giving one's password to another. He couched this warning in humor as he turned to the girls and said, “And, girls, I know how it goes. I have a teenage girl at home. One week you're someone's BFF and the next week you are not even talking to each other. You give your password to someone who's you're friend one day, but the next day, when she is angry, she can use that password for revenge.” The girls laughed knowingly and said, “That's so true!”

The drama of middle school friendships among girls varies with each child, and is not as stressful for all our girls. But, for many of our young ladies it is. As our sixth grade parents will recall, last week's Advisory topic for girls was about “when friends fight” and how to manage those instances of girl fighting. Some of those fights are really “relational bullying” where friendship is actually used as a weapon. The way girls gain power, says Rachel Simmons, (author of Odd Girl Out- The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls), is by forming close friendships. By gossiping, sharing secrets, and even just shooting a “look” at another girl they can become aggressive. The silent treatment and body language are two other common weapons girls use.

And, then there are the cliques. Girls form these groups to feel included, but inadvertantly may cause others to feel excluded. It is also essential to have a “best friend.” Simmons highlights that girls send the message “I have power over you , because I could take my friendship away.” It is difficult to call a friend out on bullying behavior because she is a friend. Worse still, girls are afraid to tell a friend who hurt them how they feel as they are worried they will lose the friendship.

Lest we feel totally dejected, relationships are positive as well. Simmons points out that “Relationships are one of girls’ most important classrooms. Relationships are where girls learn the skills to express their needs, accommodate others, and take healthy risks, among other lessons.” These relationships are rehearsals for adult relationships and loyalty. Girls also need and benefit from their friends as they turn to them for support and comfort.

What can we do as parents when we see our daughter caught in the relational web?
  1. As always, empathize and listen (even when the soap opera to which you are listening sounds ridiculous!) Ask guiding questions “Why do you think she said that?” “What would you do differently if you could do it again?” Help guide her to find solutions.
  2. We relay to her that although one must treat everyone with respect, it is okay not be friends with everyone, especially someone who does not treat you well or does not treat others well. Perhaps one should question whether this friendship is positive if she leaves with hurt feelings too often.
  3. Let her know that it is also okay to be angry. No one deserved to be treated like she was.
  4. Don't over-react. The more calm we are, the less the drama takes hold.
  5. Talk to the school. If your daughter interacts with this girl in school, and the problem is not a passing one, enlist our help.
  6. Dr. Irene Levine, author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup WithYour Best Friend, recommends that you strike the phrase “best friend” from your vocabulary. Girls have a dream of a lifelong friend, which is unrealistic, rare and sets them up for disappointment.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            
    I do find that most definitely when girls are in the sixth grade they are still willing to share all their friendship woes with their parents. As parents we should take advantage of that willingness.  I tend to see a change in 7th and 8th grade as the girls are in general more inclined to try to solve their problems independently. That is normal, but does necessitate our antennaes being up more often. We may not know why our daughter is suddenly unhappy, and not getting the calls from that BFF anymore. But, that is our chance to tread lightly, but ask. We cannot help unless we ask. We also cannot detect whether a friendship has actually become toxic or even dangerous for our daugther unless we ask. 

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