Better Versus Bitter

“After a setback you can be either bitter or better. The only difference between those two words is the 'I'- I have the choice to grow or to sink under hardship.” These are words that we present to our seventh graders as part of our Resiliency Unit in Advisory. Our students know this unit as “When life gives you lemons...” In this unit, we speak with the students about what they need to cope when they confront “tough times.” Tough times may be a poor grade on a test, a fight with a friend or an illness of a loved one. Students learn that resiliency or the lack thereof is the reason why some people crumble under adversity while others bounce back. But, no matter what the adversity, students learn the cognitive skills needed to bounce back.
This week's parasha reminded me of the “bitter” versus “better” quote above. As we read in Parashat Beshalach, after the splitting of the Red Sea the Jews “could not drink the waters of Marah because they were bitter” (15:23). Hashem instructs them to cast at tree into the water which sweetened the water. The Midrash in Shemot Rabba 50:3 states that the words “they were bitter” refer to Bnai Yisrael, not the waters. The waters themselves were actually fine, but the attitude of the people was bitter and pessimistic. If they had approached the water with a “sweeter” more optimistic attitude, perhaps the waters would have tasted sweet. In fact, the Torah Sheleima explains this Midrash saying, “For one who keeps something bitter like wormwood in his mouth- all sweet things he puts in his mouth seem bitter.” In life, we often confront “bitter” situations. If we approach them with an upbeat attitude and optimism we can prevail.
In Advisory the students learn about the importance of upbeat and optimistic thinking. They learn the skills of positive self-talk. The words we use with the student are “self-talk is talking to yourself and telling yourself you can do it, it will be okay, you have succeeded before and you will succeed again. It is sort of what you would tell a friend when he/she is faced with trouble, but instead, you tell the same thing to yourself.” These are skills that we can reinforce with our children as we ask of them “what messages are you telling yourself?” If the Jews had utilized some of this self-talk they would have optimistically said, “Hashem has taken care of us in the past. He will take care of us now and ensure that we have water.”
Interestingly enough, the Midrash adds that the bark of the tree that Moshe used was itself extremely bitter. The message to Bnai Yisrael was that often from bitter sweet can emerge. Situations that may appear bitter to us may eventually lead to something good in our future. At the time, it is often impossible for us to keep that in mind and hope that it was all for the best.
On Shabbat it was the 9^th Yahrzeit of my father, Rabbi Steven Dworken, a”h. One quality that my father had was to be realistic while at the same time optimistic. He challenged us to be less dramatic and more pragmatic. His children, wife, congregants and the many rabbis he mentored recall how that when one had a problem, after speaking with Rabbi Dworken, one knew it would be okay. And, it most often was.
This past Thursday we spent the day of the petirah of Beth Isaacs, a”h, thinking about the bitterness with which life often presents us. As the administrative and mental health team, we planned for her class and her colleagues and how to help them cope. We attended the funeral ourselves, and as the sadness overwhelmed us, we thought of her precious children and family and how they will cope. It is our prayer that they will find within themselves the strength to “bounce back.”