Super Bowl and Life Lessons For Our Teens- 2024

  Yes, it is my traditional post-Super Bowl column.  (A reminder to those who haven’t read my column before this year, I have been writing lessons to learn from the Super Bowl for some years now the Sunday after the event. Full disclosure- I don’t watch the Super Bowl, but do try to nose around for lessons that can be gleaned).  

First, a thank you to the parents who helped their children be sensitive when it comes to making sure their Super Bowl get-togethers were not hurtful to others, including not posting photos of get-togethers. Thank you! 

This  year, I wanted to focus on a small thing that happened at the game that related to a conversation I had with some students in school this past week.  Teresa Hammond, in her “Mommy Musings” wrote about “Lessons And A Loss.”   She writes about a bit of time in the game to which many probably did not pay attention: 

Personally I know little about Travis Kelce. Google informed me he’s a premium tight end, makes $14 million a season and he was drafted by the Chiefs in 2013. Now he’s the main squeeze of Taylor Swift and football fans, as well as parents across the country, seem to have a lot to say about that…

As a parent and an athlete I was (and still am) appalled. For those who missed it, it came following a fumble by the Chief’s Isiah Pacheco, as Kelce watched from the sidelines. Clearly frustrated and feeling he could’ve done better, Kelce got in the face of longtime Chiefs Coach Andy Reid, as well as attempted to grab him by the arm.

A true seasoned professional, Reid blew him off and eventually Kelce was returned to the field. Brat move, in my humble opinion. One which should have placed him on the bench for the remainder of the game.

Reading on this topic the following morning, I have yet to find a piece written defending Kelce’s behavior. That’s refreshing. There are however numerous articles with speculation: had Reid benched him, he’d have lost his job; a fine would do nothing; refs wouldn’t eject a player for behavior of this nature and of course the had he been a B player versus who he is, this story would have played out drastically different.

Professional athletes, just like celebrities, like it or not are role models. Yes, I understand they too are human, yet they’re humans with many eyes (especially young ones) watching. Challenging a coach in such a manner, I don’t care who you are, is classless and disrespectful. That’s what young eyes saw on Sunday. One of the best in the game was so bold and full of himself that he challenged his coach during live play with no repercussions…

A game I will not soon forget, an outcome I’m still a bit confused by and a player who is at the center of the world’s attention professionally and personally who rather than publicly apologizing for his ill behavior blew it off post-game with, “Oh you saw that? I was just telling him I love him.” 

     So, while I have no idea if Travis Kelce is popular because of his skill or because he is dating Taylor Swift, (I imagine both), what a poor role model for our children watching the Super Bowl. 

Interestingly enough, during this past January break I went to my first live professional hockey game. I have been to hockey games in the yeshiva league, but other than that never. I was shocked to see the players fighting with each other on the ice. I know for those of you who are hockey fans that’s normal behavior, but I had never seen anything like it.  (In my research, I did uncover that there are actually rules in regards to this fighting). Predictably, I turned to my kids and my husband and said, “What poor role models for the children in the audience!”   We try to teach our children about sportsmanship, controlling one’s emotions and respect,  and these players are showing our kids exactly what not to do! And, it’s supported by the rules! 

Where is the sportsmanship we are constantly trying to teach our students.  Dr. Margaux Barnes writes in her article “How To Be A Good Sport” that sportsmanship is:

• Follow the rules of the game. Accept calls and don't argue with officials.

• Have a positive attitude and give your best effort.

• Support your teammates by saying something like, "Good shot" or "Good try." Don’t criticize them if they make a mistake. You wouldn’t want someone blaming you if you miss a shot.

• Treat the other team with respect and don’t tease or bully. Shake hands before and after the game. Help players up if they fall — even if they’re not on your team.

• Take pride in giving your best at each practice and game. Winning is fun but don't rub it in. If you lose, accept the loss without getting upset or blaming others.

Luckily, here at Yavneh our coaches are wonderful role models when it comes to playing fair and respecting others. There is no way that such behavior in the Super Bowl or in the hockey games would be tolerated in a game, recess or physical education class.  (Just to add a shout-out to our physical education team, I have had conversations with every single one of them this year about concerns they have about their students not only being players, but also demonstrating true concern about each and every one of their students).  I do worry at times that during recess, when our students have oversight, but not coaching, they do at times have difficulties being “sportsmanlike.”  We continue to reinforce that being kind is always more important than winning. 

I recently came across an article written by someone named Nicholas Doorlay “How To Be Kind and Competitive” as he writes about becoming a “kindness certified sports’ team.” 

To a lot of athletes, kindness is uncool. This is a problem that not only manifests itself in the macho attitudes and atmospheres of high school sports such as football and basketball, but is also reflected in the fights and bouts we see during NBA, NFL, NHL, and MLB games. Tempers flare, and athletes are competitive people by nature. They’re just out there trying to win; you can’t blame them. It’s as simple as that…When you are in an atmosphere where kindness becomes the norm, you realize that it is indeed possible to be competitive and kind at the same time. For example, at my last track meet, we had 26 high jumpers vying for the top seven spots in order to move on to our section finals. Yet, every athlete out there was 100 percent supportive of the others and cheering everyone on. I was getting tips and pointers from the athletes whom I was competing with, and trying to beat.”  Our children look up to us when it comes to these behaviors and whatever we can do to reinforce kindness on the field is essential. 

I want to add that this "kindness" in sports is not limited to how athletes treat their teammates or their coaches. It also translates to how they treat the students who aren't on the team who may not be as athletic as they are. This past week, in our Sharsheret Pink Day Hoopathon, everyone gets to shoot hoops. One need not be athletic. It was wonderful to see how some of our stars on our teams made sure to not "show off" and to allow each person to have his/her moment to shoot. Those of us who are parents of athletes need to remind our children to be inclusive during recess and gym class, and not only throw to or choose the kids on the team.

This past Friday, our 8th graders were addressed by the YU Maccabees and the Lady Macs basketball teams. One primary theme of the Lady Macs was the importance of making a kiddush Hashem in the way you treat all the members of the other team and how you demonstrate sportsmanship. 

These instances of losing one's cool I described above reminded me of a conversation I had with some students about a situation in class. A teacher asked a student to stop engaging in a particular behavior. The student felt he was not doing that behavior.  He then went on to argue with the teacher in front of the class that he did not do that behavior. I am the first one to want to ensure that a child is not accused of something he/she is not doing. But, what I explained to the students is that answering back and arguing with the teacher will just make things worse. The best bet is to speak to the teacher after class and politely explain that perhaps the teacher misunderstood or “mis-saw” what you were doing. It takes real maturity for a child to hold himself back in a respectful manner, even if he disagrees, and then discuss it maturely after. Teachers truly admire that.   It requires self-restraint and containing one’s emotions- something that Travis Kelce and the hockey players I saw could not do. 

What I wanted to make clear to the students, that it is okay to respectfully disagree. In fact, as Rabbi Jonathan Sacks writes in his article “God Loves Those Who Argue”  that Judaism is actually very supportive of disagreement and arguing. Avraham and Moshe “disagreed” (respectfully) with Hashem Himself! 

Judaism supports arguments where “ it is one in which you give a respectful hearing to views opposed to your own, knowing that your views too will be listened to respectfully…Equally striking is the fact that the Sages continued the tradition and gave it a name: argument for the sake of heaven,[7] defined as debate for the sake of truth as opposed to victory.[8] The result is that Judaism is, perhaps uniquely, a civilisation all of whose canonical texts are anthologies of arguments. Midrash operates on the principle that there are “seventy faces” to Torah and thus that every verse is open to multiple interpretations. The Mishnah is full of paragraphs of the form, “Rabbi X says this while Rabbi Y says that.” The Talmud says in the name of God himself, about the conflicting views of the schools of Hillel and Shammai, that “These and those are the words of the living God.”[9]

A standard edition of Mikraot Gedolot consists of the biblical text surrounded by multiple commentaries and even commentaries on the commentaries. The standard edition of the Babylonian Talmud has the text surrounded by the often conflicting views of Rashi and the Tosafists. Moses Maimonides, writing his masterpiece of Jewish law, the Mishneh Torah, took the almost unprecedented step of presenting only the halakhic conclusion without the accompanying arguments. The ironic but predictable result was that the Mishneh Torah was eventually surrounded by an endless array of commentaries and arguments. In Judaism there is something holy about argument.

  But, the story of Korach is an example of when argument is not for the sake of Heaven, but just to achieve victory.  

“What the entire episode shows is the destructive nature of argument not for the sake of Heaven — that is, argument for the sake of victory. In such a conflict, what is at stake is not truth but power, and the result is that both sides suffer. If you win, I lose. But if I win, I also lose, because in diminishing you, I diminish myself… Argument for the sake of power is a lose-lose scenario. The opposite is the case when the argument is for the sake of truth. If I win, I win. But if I lose I also win — because being defeated by the truth is the only form of defeat that is also a victory.”

We want our students to have good sportsmanship on and off the field- in class, in their homes when they disagree with their parents, and on and off-line with their friends. Control your emotions, be respectful and if you can’t, take a break and come back later to discuss when you can be. 

I guess it’s too bad that Travis Kelce and the pro- hockey players I saw weren’t students at Yavneh Academy. Then they would have perhaps learned in their academic classes, Advisory classes and in their physical education classes how to be good sports. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began a unit on Friendship- what qualities do we look for in a friend?

Seventh Grade:  Students learned more about the myths regarding Israel that are being spread and how to combat those myths. 

Eighth Grade: Post- Super Bowl students discussed ethics in sports. 

The Pursuit of Happiness

  This past week I had the privilege to be a part of the Yachad Yavneh Shabbaton. What a wonderful experience for both our Yavneh students and the Yachad members (and the Yavneh faculty!)  Additionally, I had the opportunity to give a shiur to the women of the Shomrei Torah community as part of the Rosh Chodesh women’s shiurim series. I was thankful to be asked and it was so nice to see the amount of people who came. 

As we were about to embark on the month of Adar I what better topic than “The Pursuit of Happiness” as we know it says in  Gemara Taanit 29a  מִשֶּׁנִּכְנַס אֲדָר מַרְבִּין בְּשִׂמְחָה  “When the month of Adar begins, one increases rejoicing.”  And, this year we have two Adars- double the happiness! 

The topic of happiness is one that I have discussed in my column before, and when writing of this topic previously I have ALWAYS quoted different pieces of the writing of Dr. Tal Ben Shahar.  Dr. Tal Ben Shahar is the author of the books, Happier, Being Happy and The Pursuit of Perfect.  Dr. Ben Shahar was a professor at Harvard famous for his standing room only course on Happiness based on scientific research and practical strategies to achieve happiness. (He has since returned to Israel).  

Lo and behold, as I was preparing for my shiur, which of course would include some of Ben Shahar’s research, I came across an email in my inbox that Congregation Rinat Yisrael was hosting a book launch of the book An Ode to Joy- Judaism and Happiness in the Thought of Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks and Beyond, a book of essays coedited by Erica Brown and Shira Weiss. My first thought was, of course, why couldn’t I have had this book before I prepared my shiur?!  Oh well!  I then continued reading and saw that the guest speaker would be Dr. Tal Ben Shahar who wrote the forward to the book!!! (For those of you who have been reading my column for some years, you know exactly why I put in so many exclamation points. I am definitely a fan). And, then, I thought again, why couldn’t I have given the shiur after hearing Dr. Ben Shahar in person and getting the book?! 

Ben Shahar began his presentation by discussing what true leadership is. It is not charisma or eloquence.   In fact we know that Hashem chose Moshe who was כבד פה וכבד לשון-  heavy of mouth and heavy of tongue, with some sort of speech impediment. Because, said Ben Shahar, the most important part of being a leader is not the ability to speak, but the ability to listen.  In thinking about the Yachad Shabbaton I realized that the leadership our students demonstrated at the Shabbaton involved their ability to listen to the Yachad members, and to cheer Yachad members on when they were in the circle. Our students’ leadership was not about the attention they received. It was about focusing their attention on others. 

He continued to base the rest of his presentation on the 5 aspects of Happiness according to his research. (I will only focus on one today- more material for future columns!) 

a. Spiritual well-being b. Physical well-being c. Intellectual well-being d. Relational well-being e. Emotional well-being. 

His points regarding relational well-being fit in perfectly with the Shabbat I had just experienced.  Relational well-being is the number one predictor of happiness.  But, it is not simply hanging out with friends.  Both in the introduction to the book and in his presentation that night, Ben Shahar spoke of the Hebrew word נ.ת.נ- to give. It is an unusual word as it is a palindrome- it can be read left to right or right to left.  He quoted research by Ed O’Brien and Sonja Lyubormirsky on happiness which noted that one of the “most powerful ways to increase our own happiness is through giving, because when we give we are given right back.”  And, then he quoted Rabbi Sacks “The best way of encountering G-d is to give.  The very act of giving flows from, or leads to, the understanding that what we give is part of what we were given…Happiness is not made by what we own. It is what we share.” 

And, he added that when we awaken in the morning we say מודה אני not אני מודה- notice the first word is not “I.”  Happiness is not about our own pleasure. Happiness is about giving to others. 

As I had shared in the shiur that Shabbat, Dr. Ben Shahar’s thesis on happiness can be summarized into: 

In order to achieve happiness one’s actions must hold present  benefit- pleasure and future benefit- meaning.  Happiness= present benefit + future benefit. 

In his book Happier he speaks about the “hedonism archetype.”  “A hedonist seeks pleasure and avoids pain. She goes about satisfying her desires, giving little or not thought to future consequences. A fulfilling life, she believes, is reducible to a succession of pleasurable experiences. That something feels good in the moment is sufficient justification for doing it until the next desire replaces it. “ Whereas, a person experiencing true happiness needs to feel as if his/her actions has an effect on the world.  To be clear, as you see above, one’s efforts to live a life of meaning, but also have some “present benefit”= pleasure. But, just pleasure without meaning will never lead to happiness. 

And, thus, the topic of my shiur was the “pursuit of happiness” words from our Declaration of Independence. Note that it does not say “ pursuit of life, pursuit of liberty and pursuit of happiness.” It only says “pursuit” in relation to happiness. While I am not an American history expert, to me it seems that achieving happiness is hard work, and one must actively pursue it. (Ben Shahar spends much time in his book discussing that “here on earth we need to work to be happy.”) 

So, in essence the timing was perfect.  As I sat and listened to Dr. Ben Shahar’s presentation, which connected some of his research to the words of Rabbi Sacks, I was reminded of why these Yachad Shabbatons are so important, and why in the next week alone I am busily planning Sharsheret Pink Day, and our next Chesed Team event.  What does the guidance counselor have to do with Chesed projects in the school? Ah...isn’t it obvious? Events like Sharsheret Pink Day, chesed team events and Yachad Shabbatons provide the meaning that our children need along with the pleasure.  That is why, if your child is a member of the Chesed Team, I always write,  “Looking forward to a fun and fulfilling event.”  

As I left Dr. Ben Shahar’s presentation, I stood on-line waiting to speak to him and for an autograph in his book Happier.  When I approached him I shared that I am a psychologist in a school and I quote him often, utilizing his strategies in our Advisory curriculum, quoting him in my column,  and just the day before I quoted him at least 3 times in a shiur I gave in the Fair Lawn community. He wrote to me,  “Dear Aliza, Thank you for spreading joy and happiness in our world.”  I told him, we are all working on it! 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students had a lesson on netiquette and  how to “not be rude” on-line. 

Seventh Grade:  Students began a new unit in Advisory “Do Not Stand Idly By” focusing on standing up to injustice in the world and among their peers. We started with a political action lesson on how to stand up for Israel when misconceptions regarding the war are rampant. 

Eighth Grade: Students discussed how to deal with disappointments in life and resilience.