The Pursuit of Happiness

  This past week I had the privilege to be a part of the Yachad Yavneh Shabbaton. What a wonderful experience for both our Yavneh students and the Yachad members (and the Yavneh faculty!)  Additionally, I had the opportunity to give a shiur to the women of the Shomrei Torah community as part of the Rosh Chodesh women’s shiurim series. I was thankful to be asked and it was so nice to see the amount of people who came. 

As we were about to embark on the month of Adar I what better topic than “The Pursuit of Happiness” as we know it says in  Gemara Taanit 29a  מִשֶּׁנִּכְנַס אֲדָר מַרְבִּין בְּשִׂמְחָה  “When the month of Adar begins, one increases rejoicing.”  And, this year we have two Adars- double the happiness! 

The topic of happiness is one that I have discussed in my column before, and when writing of this topic previously I have ALWAYS quoted different pieces of the writing of Dr. Tal Ben Shahar.  Dr. Tal Ben Shahar is the author of the books, Happier, Being Happy and The Pursuit of Perfect.  Dr. Ben Shahar was a professor at Harvard famous for his standing room only course on Happiness based on scientific research and practical strategies to achieve happiness. (He has since returned to Israel).  

Lo and behold, as I was preparing for my shiur, which of course would include some of Ben Shahar’s research, I came across an email in my inbox that Congregation Rinat Yisrael was hosting a book launch of the book An Ode to Joy- Judaism and Happiness in the Thought of Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks and Beyond, a book of essays coedited by Erica Brown and Shira Weiss. My first thought was, of course, why couldn’t I have had this book before I prepared my shiur?!  Oh well!  I then continued reading and saw that the guest speaker would be Dr. Tal Ben Shahar who wrote the forward to the book!!! (For those of you who have been reading my column for some years, you know exactly why I put in so many exclamation points. I am definitely a fan). And, then, I thought again, why couldn’t I have given the shiur after hearing Dr. Ben Shahar in person and getting the book?! 

Ben Shahar began his presentation by discussing what true leadership is. It is not charisma or eloquence.   In fact we know that Hashem chose Moshe who was כבד פה וכבד לשון-  heavy of mouth and heavy of tongue, with some sort of speech impediment. Because, said Ben Shahar, the most important part of being a leader is not the ability to speak, but the ability to listen.  In thinking about the Yachad Shabbaton I realized that the leadership our students demonstrated at the Shabbaton involved their ability to listen to the Yachad members, and to cheer Yachad members on when they were in the circle. Our students’ leadership was not about the attention they received. It was about focusing their attention on others. 

He continued to base the rest of his presentation on the 5 aspects of Happiness according to his research. (I will only focus on one today- more material for future columns!) 

a. Spiritual well-being b. Physical well-being c. Intellectual well-being d. Relational well-being e. Emotional well-being. 

His points regarding relational well-being fit in perfectly with the Shabbat I had just experienced.  Relational well-being is the number one predictor of happiness.  But, it is not simply hanging out with friends.  Both in the introduction to the book and in his presentation that night, Ben Shahar spoke of the Hebrew word נ.ת.נ- to give. It is an unusual word as it is a palindrome- it can be read left to right or right to left.  He quoted research by Ed O’Brien and Sonja Lyubormirsky on happiness which noted that one of the “most powerful ways to increase our own happiness is through giving, because when we give we are given right back.”  And, then he quoted Rabbi Sacks “The best way of encountering G-d is to give.  The very act of giving flows from, or leads to, the understanding that what we give is part of what we were given…Happiness is not made by what we own. It is what we share.” 

And, he added that when we awaken in the morning we say מודה אני not אני מודה- notice the first word is not “I.”  Happiness is not about our own pleasure. Happiness is about giving to others. 

As I had shared in the shiur that Shabbat, Dr. Ben Shahar’s thesis on happiness can be summarized into: 

In order to achieve happiness one’s actions must hold present  benefit- pleasure and future benefit- meaning.  Happiness= present benefit + future benefit. 

In his book Happier he speaks about the “hedonism archetype.”  “A hedonist seeks pleasure and avoids pain. She goes about satisfying her desires, giving little or not thought to future consequences. A fulfilling life, she believes, is reducible to a succession of pleasurable experiences. That something feels good in the moment is sufficient justification for doing it until the next desire replaces it. “ Whereas, a person experiencing true happiness needs to feel as if his/her actions has an effect on the world.  To be clear, as you see above, one’s efforts to live a life of meaning, but also have some “present benefit”= pleasure. But, just pleasure without meaning will never lead to happiness. 

And, thus, the topic of my shiur was the “pursuit of happiness” words from our Declaration of Independence. Note that it does not say “ pursuit of life, pursuit of liberty and pursuit of happiness.” It only says “pursuit” in relation to happiness. While I am not an American history expert, to me it seems that achieving happiness is hard work, and one must actively pursue it. (Ben Shahar spends much time in his book discussing that “here on earth we need to work to be happy.”) 

So, in essence the timing was perfect.  As I sat and listened to Dr. Ben Shahar’s presentation, which connected some of his research to the words of Rabbi Sacks, I was reminded of why these Yachad Shabbatons are so important, and why in the next week alone I am busily planning Sharsheret Pink Day, and our next Chesed Team event.  What does the guidance counselor have to do with Chesed projects in the school? Ah...isn’t it obvious? Events like Sharsheret Pink Day, chesed team events and Yachad Shabbatons provide the meaning that our children need along with the pleasure.  That is why, if your child is a member of the Chesed Team, I always write,  “Looking forward to a fun and fulfilling event.”  

As I left Dr. Ben Shahar’s presentation, I stood on-line waiting to speak to him and for an autograph in his book Happier.  When I approached him I shared that I am a psychologist in a school and I quote him often, utilizing his strategies in our Advisory curriculum, quoting him in my column,  and just the day before I quoted him at least 3 times in a shiur I gave in the Fair Lawn community. He wrote to me,  “Dear Aliza, Thank you for spreading joy and happiness in our world.”  I told him, we are all working on it! 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students had a lesson on netiquette and  how to “not be rude” on-line. 

Seventh Grade:  Students began a new unit in Advisory “Do Not Stand Idly By” focusing on standing up to injustice in the world and among their peers. We started with a political action lesson on how to stand up for Israel when misconceptions regarding the war are rampant. 

Eighth Grade: Students discussed how to deal with disappointments in life and resilience.