We are in the month of Shevat and quickly approaching Tu B’Shevat. Before that date, the date of the 11th of Shevat is one that is noted by family each year, as it is the yahrzeit of my father, a”h. It will be his 21st yahrzeit this year. About 9 years after his passing I gave a shiur on the Shabbat of his yahrzeit, and connected it to Tu B’Shevat and to the lessons we learned from my father. The theme was - כִּ֤י הָֽאָדָם֙ עֵ֣ץ הַשָּׂדֶ֔ה “For man is the tree of the field” Devarim 20:19- concepts we learn from trees that can help us in our development and growth. (In its context, the phrase is actually a question, not a statement as I have taken some liberty in making it into a statement. It actually discusses that when in battle we are not to destroy the trees, and the pasuk is noting that trees are not like people and do not deserve to be destroyed). Twelve years after that shiur I still feel deeply the impact my father made on me as a Jew and as a parent. I will not share the entire shiur today, but I will quickly go over some pieces that I think speak to parenting today.
In Shemot 9:32 when discussing the results of the plague of - ברד - hail- it says:
וְהַֽחִטָּ֥ה וְהַכֻּסֶּ֖מֶת לֹ֣א נֻכּ֑וּ כִּ֥י אֲפִילֹ֖ת הֵֽנָּה
but the wheat and the spelt were not struck, for they were still pliant
In the Gemara Taanit 20b it states:
מִיָּד נִכְנַס רַבִּי אֶלְעָזָר בְּרַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן, וְדָרַשׁ: לְעוֹלָם יְהֵא אָדָם רַךְ כְּקָנֶה וְאַל יְהֵא קָשֶׁה כְּאֶרֶז.
Immediately, Rabbi Elazar, son of Rabbi Shimon, entered the study hall and taught: A person should always be soft (pliant) like a reed and he should not be stiff (unyielding) like a cedar,
While we as parents need to have set rules, we also need to be flexible- pliant like a reed. This flexibility shows itself in how we discipline as parents. Parenting which is stiff and unyielding is not effective nor positive for our children.
The reed teaches us to be parents who use Flexible/ Authoritative parenting. Authoritative parents are caring and emotionally available, yet firm, fair, and reasonable. They set appropriate limits, and provide structure and reasonable expectations. Children with authoritative parents are usually competent, confident, independent, cooperative, and at ease in social situations. Let us not confuse authoritative parenting which is flexible with authoritarian parenting (like a cedar!) which is a strict style of parenting that places high expectations on children. Authoritarian parents set rigid rules with no explanation, and expect their children to obey them without question or face severe punishment.
Our parenting style needs to be flexible as it might need to change at different times. We need to match your parenting styles to our child's developmental stage. What worked for your child as a second grader probably won’t work for your adolescent. And, what worked for your older child may not work for your younger one.
Additionally, we need to be flexible and have different reactions and plans for our children as not all “problems” were created equal. One of my favorite parenting books is Surviving your Adolescents by Dr. Thomas Phelan. Dr. Phelan speaks about “Your Teens Have Their MBAs!”
Take just a minute to make sure you have your perspective on something else: how serious are the different types of problems your adolescents come up with? If you stop to think about it, not all problems are created equal.
Many things that adolescents do- or don’t do- fall into the “MBA” category. That means they are “Minor But Aggravating.” It’s very important for parents to keep in mind that their level of aggravation about a problem is not always a measure of the seriousness of that problem. Just because you get ferociously angry about something, in other words, doesn't mean it is a sign of a major character flaw, mental illness or sociopathic tendencies in their offspring. It may be just one irritating part of normal adolescence…. Another MBA? That messy room. What a pit! Your stomach writhes in agony every time you look at it…What’s the solution? It may be to close the door and don’t look. Or leave the door open and close your eyes as you go past. A sloppy bedroom is aggravating, but it isn’t really a major problem…”
And, so, we need to remember that we cannot pick every battle and therefore we need to choose which ones we are going to be flexible about.
Modeling flexibility as parents helps us raise flexible children. Good parenting is teaching our children how to be flexible. Ironically, we can make our children stronger by helping them be more flexible. We call this resiliency- the ability to “bounce back” as the reed does- from setbacks, failure and being able to deal with stress and difficulties in life. It also helps them develop flexible thinking. They then view problems from several different perspectives. They can come up with a variety of factors that might have contributed to a problem. This type of flexibility increases the likelihood that they will be able to come up with a solution since they will generate a number of different ways to handle a situation, so if their first solution doesn’t work they can move to Plan B.
Rav Nachman Bar Yitzchak said, “Why is Torah likened to a tree? As it is written ,’It is a tree of life to those who hold fast to it,’ (Prov. 3:18) To teach you that a small piece of wood can kindle a large one, so too do students of Torah sharpen their teachers.” We, their parents, are their primary teachers. The main resource for learning how to raise our children is our children themselves. They sharpen our parenting skills as they show us their temperaments and what they need. We can learn so much from how they react to our parenting techniques about whether we want to implement that technique again or whether we should be more flexible. I came across a book called Growing with MY Children by Sarah Shapiro. I have not read it – but the title struck me as it relays the message that as we parent there is much we can do to grow along with our children. Our children’s growing forces us to grow in our parenting. They also force us to be more flexible in our expectations and in our plans.
As we sadly recall that today is the 100th day since October 7th, and keep all those in captivity and in battle in our Tefillot, I want to end with one other lesson from a tree we can apply to these difficult times.
I came across an article called “Tu Beshvat- A Time for Hidden Beginnings” by Chana Siegelman. While written a number of years ago it still holds true. Why do we not celebrate the New Year of the trees- Tu B’Shevat around Pesach time when the trees are in their “full green glory crowned with ripe radiant fruit?” We actually celebrate it when the trees are bare and all is dark and cold and full of mud. But, we need to keep in mind, “When everything looks dead, dark and murky, life, light and glory is hiding just below the surface…The time when nothing seems to be happening on the outside; is the beginning of the richest inner life.”
That is the Jewish outlook on life. She points out that the Jewish day starts at night- when it is dark. It is the faith in the better tomorrow that gives us strength throughout all the tough times throughout history. In fact, gardening itself is an act of emunah. We believe that there will be a productive, better future, even though all we see now is mud and seeds. She then quotes Rabbi Yehuda Halevi that he says that the seed actually decomposes before it becomes a plant. Just like often with the Jewish people, that we “decompose” and may be shattered before good times arrive. It is always darkest before the dawn. And, when things are rough for ourselves as a nation or as individuals, we need to remind ourselves that good things are “just around the corner.”
Tu B’Shevat teaches us that if we keep our emunah and not give into our feelings of despair we will remain hopeful that בסוף יהיה טוב.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students discussed their first report card coming up- how to self-monitor, what to expect and how to partner with their parents if improvement is needed.
Seventh Grade: Students discussed social exclusion/bullying with “friends” and during sports.
Eighth Grade: Students further discussed the (positive!) changing relationship with parents as they grow into adolescence.
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