Happy Yom Kippur?!

In last week’s column, we discussed how to help our children have a happier new year.  As we approach Yom Kippur this evening, many of us have a feeling of worry or even anxiety about how to achieve true Teshuva and G-d’s forgiveness and regarding our fate this coming year. How can we reconcile that feeling of fear with the happiness I discussed in my column last week?

In fact, I was privileged to give a shiur to our faculty members this past week and the topic was  משנכנס תשרי מרבין בשמחה “When the month of Tishrei begins, one increases rejoicing?!” Yes, the reader might notice that this quote is incorrect and the correct quote from .תענית כט is:

 מִשֶּׁנִּכְנַס אֲדָר מַרְבִּין בְּשִׂמְחָה.

Yes, I did take some poetic license- as my quote is found nowhere-  and I substituted Tishrei for Adar, but no, I did not make a mistake.  I am going to prove that משנכנס תשרי מרבין בשמחה- the month Tishrei, including Yom Kippur, is a month of happiness.  (I will choose some quick highlights of the shiur!) 

We generally think of Purim and Adar as the happiest times of year. Interestingly enough,  the Zohar points out that there is some connection between the  ימים נוראים themselves and Purim, as Yom Kippur is also called  יום כפורים- a day like Purim. Interestingly enough, there are two other commonalities between Purim and Yom Kippur- 

1.  In  the davening of both Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur we use  the word “ובכן”, “and so…” Avudraham points out that the word “ ובכן” was also used by Queen Esther as she prepared to go to go before King Achashverosh in Megillat Esther, 4:15-16: Then Esther said to reply to Mordechai: “Go assemble all the Jews that are to be found in Shushan, and fast for me; do not eat or drink for three days, night or day: And I, with my maids will fast also, and so (u’vchen)וּבְכֵ֞ן אָב֤וֹא אֶל־הַמֶּ֙לֶךְ֙ אֲשֶׁ֣ר לֹֽא־כַדָּ֔ת וְכַאֲשֶׁ֥ר אָבַ֖דְתִּי אָבָֽדְתִּי׃

I will go to the king, though it is against the law: and if I perish, I perish.” As we stand            before Hashem, the Supreme king of kings, we begin with the same word that Esther used before standing before the human king, Achashveirosh.

2. Also, both Purim and the teshuva season of Yom Kippur both have a  גורל- a lottery. Purim has Haman’s lottery and Yom Kippur has the lottery choosing which goat is  שעיר לעזאזל  (pushed over a cliff as an atonement) and  שעיר לה   (sacrificed in the Beit HaMikdash)

 What is the connection between the happiest day of the year, and this most solemn time of the year? 

  . Teshuva has the same power of  ונהפוך הוא as typified in the megilla- the ability to turn it all around for the better, no matter how forgone things seem, which is a source of joy. 

Rabbi Immanuel Bernstein points out that the time period from  Elul (when the “teshuva season” begins) through Yom Kippur in particular is meant to represent Teshuva from joy and not fear.  He proves this from Rashi in Devarim 9:17.  Moshe went up to G-d twice after the sin of the golden calf. The first time, was from the 18th of Tammuz until the 29th of Av. Rashi there says that “G-d was reconciled with Israel.”  But, then for some reason he goes up another time and stays there for another 40 days- from the 1st of Elul until Yom Kippur. And, that time,

 בּוֹ בַיּוֹם נִתְרַצָּה הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא לְיִשְׂרָאֵל בְּשִׂמְחָה On that very day, the Holy One, blessed is He, was joyfully reconciled with Israel, It was only on Yom Kippur when He forgave the Jewish people with joy. 

It is quite possible for a person to repent his sins, to the point that Hashem will not punish him, and yet still not reach a stage where he has reestablished any meaningful relationship with Him.

This corresponds to the middle set of forty days, where Hashem was reconciled toward Israel, but not yet truly happy with them. The focus of this type of teshuvah is more on “getting out of trouble” than it is on repairing one’s connection with the Divine. This is a reasonable depiction of a typical act of teshuvah done during the year.

The period beginning with Elul represents aiming toward something higher. It corresponds to the final set of days on Mount Sinai, which culminated in Hashem being “reconciled with us with joy,” and ready to resume His loving relationship with His people. Indeed, it was only after Yom Kippur that we were told to build the Mishkan, which is a demonstration of Hashem’s love through His Divine presence dwelling among us.

So, now that I have proven that Yom Kippur and the Teshuva season of Elul and Tishrei are times of joy, what are some practical ways we can not focus on the depression and fear and find that joy?  In my shiur, I highlighted four different psychological theories that allow us to find joy in Teshuva. I will focus on one this year. (And, save the rest for future years!) 

Growth Mindset And Teshuva: Dr. Carol Dweck in her book Mindset- The New Psychology of Success speaks about the difference between a growth mindset-   the ability to reframe perceived failures as opportunities to learn and grow versus the fixed mindset- the belief that your basic qualities, like your intelligence or talent, are static traits that cannot change or improve.  

And, so a person with a fixed mindset finds the season of Teshuva as depressing, sad and scary- I can never improve. I am constantly failing.  A person with a growth mindset believes that there is always a chance to improve and to grow- it’s never too late.  Here are some quotes from Dr. Dweck’s book explaining further why that is.

 “The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives.” And, so one does not feel disappointed or like a loser when one sins- we can always improve. 

“ …In the growth mindset, failure can be a painful experience. But it doesn’t define you. It’s a problem to be faced, dealt with, and learned from.”  So, just because I sinned in the past doesn’t mean I am evil, a sinner. 

“In the fixed mindset, everything is about the outcome. If you fail—or if you’re not the best—it’s all been wasted. The growth mindset allows people to value what they’re doing regardless of the outcome . They’re tackling problems, charting new courses, working on important issues. Maybe they haven’t found the cure for cancer, but the search was deeply meaningful.”  Even though I am constantly trying and not there yet- no need to give up and feel terrible about myself. 

 “The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives.” Often when we get to this Teshuva time of year we feel upset and dejected- I couldn’t do it last year- I couldn’t stick to it this year- why even bother! But, someone with a growth mindset believes in stick -to itive ness- and there is always a chance. 

“Becoming is better than being…The fixed mindset does not allow people the luxury of becoming. They have to already be.” It is okay to still be on the journey of Teshuva- as long as you are trying. 

 “Is there something in your past that you think measured you? A test score? A dishonest or callous action? Being fired from a job? Being rejected? Focus on that thing. Feel all the emotions that go with it. Now put it in a growth-mindset perspective. Look honestly at your role in it, but understand that it doesn’t define your intelligence or personality. Instead, ask: What did I (or can I ) learn from that experience? How can I use it as a basis for growth? Carry that with you instead.” We don’t feel depressed because of mistakes or sin. We need to see how failure can help us grow. 

 “When do you feel smart: when you're flawless or when you're learning?.. For them it’s not about immediate perfection. It’s about learning something over time: confronting a challenge and making progress.” That is what Teshuva is all about- it is a process, it is not easy and it need not be immediate.

 “Another way people with the fixed mindset try to repair their self-esteem after a failure is by assigning blame or making excuses.”  That is another reason why the time for Teshuva is so hard- we blame ourselves, we make excuses. Just admit failure is okay- no need to blame.

Dr. Dweck also speaks about the power of yet: “[I]f you get a failing grade, you think, I’m nothing, I’m nowhere. But if you get the grade ‘Not Yet’, you understand that you’re on a learning curve. It gives you a path into the future.” This attitude- the power of yet, allows us to remain more positive when attempting to do Teshuva.

The power of yet is seen in אבות ה:כג . It is the effort and the hard work,  not the achieving perfection that is the reward. בֶּן הֵא הֵא אוֹמֵר, לְפוּם צַעֲרָא אַגְרָא:Ben He He said: According to the labor is the reward. The reward stems from the effort, not the results.

Rabbi Dr. Yosef Lynn writes in his article. “Yet- A Jewish Perspective on Growth Mindset” As you navigate your own growth journey, remember: the path isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress. Every challenge you face is an opportunity to choose: Will you see this as evidence of your limitations, or as a chance to expand your capabilities? And the next time you catch yourself saying “I can’t,” try adding that transformational word: “yet.” In that simple addition, you’ll find not just a change in language, but a change in possibility—and perhaps, a return to one of Judaism’s most fundamental truths: we are all works in progress, beautifully and eternally unfinished.

And, so, as we approach Yom Kippur in just a few hours, and engage in the process of Teshuva during this time of year, and every day, if we implement Dr. Dweck’s growth mindset and strategies we will hopefully, experience as Rav Kooks says in Orot HaTeshuva 16:3,  “ …the great happiness that a person should sense in himself, with great satisfaction, as a result of … when the spirit of sanctity and purity of repentance rests upon him…”

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Sixth graders looked at the Success Guide consisting of tips for success from last year’s sixth graders and chose some strategies they wanted to work on, and sealed them in an envelope to be opened at the end of the year.

Seventh Grade: Students discussed how the theme of their Advisory this year “Prepare Yourself To Change The World” can be applied to this season of the Yamim Noraim- starting with “self-change.” 

Eighth Grade: Students learned about the importance of grit and S.M.A.R.T. goals, and set some goals for the year which they scheduled to be emailed to them the day of graduation - to see how many of their goals they achieved. 

 

Happier New Year!

             In June, as the students waved goodbye and were off to their summer adventures, our faculty embarked on our own new adventure- on the Redhawks Read- Faculty Edition. Teachers were offered a selection of personal growth books suggested by administrators who also led discussion groups before starting the book and after reading the book over the summer, during the faculty in-service days last week.  I chose to lead my session utilizing the book Happier by Dr. Tal Ben Shahar and had the privilege of about 25 faculty members joining me. 

Why did I choose that book? I chose it so that faculty members could 1.  Work on improving their own happiness and 2. Work on improving the happiness of their students. (Both equally important!) 

I was introduced to the work of  Dr. Ben Shahar some years ago in 2011 when I was working on a shiur on Chanukah and parenting and hakarat hatov- recognizing the good. I began with a basic quote from Ben Shahar: In research done by Robert Emerson and Michael McCullough, those who kept a daily gratitude journal – writing down at least five things for which they were grateful- enjoyed higher levels of emotional and physical well-being. 

I then began reading his books, learning more from him. I then used his material to prepare for another shiur on Happiness. And, thus, the topic of my shiur was the “pursuit of happiness” words from our Declaration of Independence. How fitting as we celebrate 250 years of our country!  Note that it does not say “pursuit of life, pursuit of liberty and pursuit of happiness.” It only says “pursuit” in relation to happiness. While I am not an American history expert, to me it seems that achieving happiness is hard work, and one must actively pursue it. (Ben Shahar spends much time in his book discussing that “here on earth we need to work to be happy.”) 

Lo and behold, as I was preparing for my shiur, which of course would include some of Ben Shahar’s research, I came across an email in my inbox that Congregation Rinat Yisrael was hosting a book launch of the book An Ode to Joy- Judaism and Happiness in the Thought of Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks and Beyond, a book of essays coedited by Erica Brown and Shira Weiss.  I then continued reading and saw that the guest speaker would be Dr. Tal Ben Shahar who wrote the forward to the book!!! .

As I left Dr. Ben Shahar’s presentation, I stood on-line waiting to speak to him and for an autograph on his book Happier.  When I approached him I shared that I am a psychologist in a school and I quote him often, utilizing his strategies in our Advisory curriculum, quoting him in my column,  and just the day before I quoted him at least 3 times in a shiur I gave in the Fair Lawn community. He wrote to me,  “Dear Aliza, Thank you for spreading joy and happiness in our world.”  I told him, we are all working on it! 

So, as we begin the school year, what can we as parents and educators do to bring more joy and happiness to our children- particularly when it comes to school? 

Ben-Shahar uses the imagery of four types of burgers to illustrate four different models of how people pursue happiness. 

1. The Junk Food Burger: It tastes great now, but hurts us later. That’s the Hedonist, chasing immediate pleasure without long-term direction.

2. The Cardboard Burger: Tastes terrible now, but it is healthy. That’s the Rat Racer, constantly suffering in the present for some future payoff.

3. The Worst Burger: Tastes bad and is unhealthy. That’s the Nihilist, who has given up present joy and future hope.

4. The Ideal Burger: Tastes delicious and is good for you. That’s the Happy Archetype—activities that give us present pleasure AND future meaning.

Ben Shahar says that unfortunately, many schools and parents unintentionally train students to become "rat racers"—people who sacrifice present enjoyment for the sake of future rewards (to achieve perfect grades, be in all honors classes, get into high school etc.) And, if that happens school then becomes a place dominated by anxiety, fear of failure and stress. Students then think that doing well on a test is true happiness. 

The solution to this problem is to ensure that we balance present benefit (enjoyment of the process), with future benefit (long- term growth and success). And, so we need to not only focus on tangible grades, but also on the passion and enjoyment of learning. When external rewards are the focus, intrinsic motivation fades. And, so we at Yavneh try to focus on not only what is necessary to learn but to also partner that with a process that is enjoyable to learn.  

As parents, we too need to focus on the excitement and enjoyment of learning with our children. Do we ask them questions about what they are learning just for the sake of discussing and noting how interesting we think what they are learning is, or do we only test them before an exam? We can even directly ask them each day, “Share something that you learned today,” and react with interest and follow-up questions. 

And Ben Shahar shared, “Instead of asking children 'What do you want to be when you grow up?'—which focuses on future status—we should ask 'What brings you joy right now?' and 'What do you love learning about?' The former conditions them to live for the future; the latter invites them to inhabit the present."  He also adds “Teachers and parents who model their own passion for learning, rather than acting as all-knowing authority figures, show children that education is an ongoing source of fulfillment, not a test to be passed."

In Avot 1:3 it states:

 אַל תִּהְיוּ כַעֲבָדִים הַמְשַׁמְּשִׁין אֶת הָרַב עַל מְנָת לְקַבֵּל פְּרָס, אֶלָּא הֱווּ כַעֲבָדִים הַמְשַׁמְּשִׁין אֶת הָרַב שֶׁלֹּא עַל מְנָת לְקַבֵּל פְּרָס

Do not be like servants who serve the master in the expectation of receiving a reward, but be like servants who serve the master without the expectation of receiving a reward…”

Ben Shahar warns against turning education into a "Rat Race" where learning is merely a transaction to get grades, high school admission, or status. Pirkei Avot offers the same advice against outcome-only living: if you study or act only for the "reward" ( פְּרָס), the process loses its sanctity and joy.  That is another way to look at the term תורה לשמה- learning for its own sake. When a child gets a test back we don’t run to ask “What grade did you get?” But rather, “What is the most interesting thing you discovered?” 

Ben Shahar also highlights the importance of not eliminating all struggle or difficulty. We need to focus on a growth mindset,  (Dr. Carol Dweck’s concept- which we have discussed often in this column)- where we frame setbacks and obstacles as opportunities for learning which leads to true self-esteem and satisfaction. This leads to building resilience and emotional well-being.

As parents, we too need to reframe setbacks as essential learning opportunities rather than proof of deficiencies. How do we react when our children come back with grades lower than we expected even after they have put in effort? And, as  parents we need to be sure not to step in and “do work”  for our children when they are struggling. Or, we can help them come up with a solution themselves. In a podcast I heard Dr. Ben Shahar say: 

In addition to willpower, you need way power. Way power is, 'Yes, I can, and here is how I'm going to do it. If that doesn't work, here is how I'm going to do it.' This is plan C, if that doesn't work." 

As it says in Megillah 6b:

אִם יֹאמַר לְךָ אָדָם: יָגַעְתִּי וְלֹא מָצָאתִי — אַל תַּאֲמֵן. לֹא יָגַעְתִּי וּמָצָאתִי — אַל תַּאֲמֵן. יָגַעְתִּי וּמָצָאתִי — תַּאֲמֵן

If a person says to you: I have labored and not found success, do not believe him. Similarly, if he says to you: I have not labored but nevertheless I have found success, do not believe him. If, however, he says to you: I have labored and I have found success, believe him.

Struggle is not proof of inadequacy. The work/labor is the source of growth. We need to praise productive struggles instead of stepping in and doing the work for them. 

One way to achieve the enjoyment of learning is what Ben Shahar shares from psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi who speaks about entering a state of “flow.” Flow is “a state of deep immersion where skill level matches the difficulty of the challenge.” If a task is too difficult it causes anxiety and if it is too easy it causes boredom. As educators we attempt to create assignments and instruction that hit the “sweet spot” between being too comfortable and too anxious.  

As educators we also try to include what Ben Shahar calls MPS (Meaning, Pleasure, Strengths) in the design of our lessons. Meaning- what brings a sense of purpose or importance to the students? Pleasure- what activities or topics do students enjoy? Strengths- what are the students’ natural talents and abilities.  Yes, students will at times need to learn things that they do not enjoy, but teachers do try to include pleasure as much as they can. And, relevance to their lives brings meaning. As Ben Shahar says, “When they study and they ask or are asked, 'So how is that relevant to your life? Where does it meet you?” brings meaning.  

As Shlomo HaMelech says  in Mishlei 22:6- חֲנֹ֣ךְ לַ֖נַּעַר עַל־פִּ֣י דַרְכּ֑וֹ גַּ֥ם כִּֽי־יַ֜זְקִ֗ין לֹֽא־יָס֥וּר מִמֶּֽנָּה -Teach a child according to his way; even when he grows old, he will not turn away from it.  We need to discover what each child’s דרך is - his/her unique talents and capabilities and not force them into standard molds. 

 As parents, we need to help our children focus on their talents and abilities, and find opportunities for meaning,  (our Chesed Team is a great outlet for meaning!) in their academics and besides their academics.  Helping others not only brings meaning, but also improves one’s mood.  As Ben Shahar notes, “...help others, suddenly I shift from being helpless to helpful, and that we know is closely associated with the shift from hopeless to hopeful."  

As Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch says in  Nineteen Letters, Letter 11, "You are given strength not to hold it tight within yourself, but to pass it on... The more you give, the more you grow in your own inner capacity.” 

And, of course, before I end, let’s remember the quote from above that I used in the shiur in 2011: In research done by Robert Emerson and Michael McCullough, those who kept a daily gratitude journal – writing down at least five things for which they were grateful- enjoyed higher levels of emotional and physical well-being.  Asking our children daily to share something for which they are grateful will increase their happiness. 

As we begin the new school year and approach Rosh Hashana, may we help our children focus on intellectual challenge in their learning, along with present pleasure and meaning in order to experience a Happier New Year! 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students were introduced to the goals of Advisory and the theme of the sixth grade curriculum:  “Do You Want To Succeed In Middle School?...Here’s How.” They got to know their Advisor and engaged in a getting to know you activity. 

Seventh Grade: Students were introduced to the theme of 7th grade Advisory- “Prepare Yourself To Change The World,” and heard about the various projects they would engage in this year to put social emotional strategies into action. 

Eighth Grade:  Students were introduced to the theme of 8th grade Advisory- “Preparing For Life After Yavneh” and their Advisors and did a getting to know you activity.