Although we have only had 14 days of school, as noted in the Advisory update in my previous column, our students have already begun setting goals for themselves. What if they cannot achieve the goals that they seek? What if they fail at achieving what they perceive as success? As we left Yom Kippur and celebrate Sukkot we, adults, feel the same way. All those things we promised we would do better...now we actually have to do them. That can seem a bit intimidating. What if we can’t do it all? What if we fail?
We discussed in the last two columns how we can and must focus on happiness with our children (and ourselves) when starting a new school year and when encountering the Teshuva process of Elul and Tishrei.
Just to continue adding to our “happier new year” when one thinks about it, we can learn more about the key to happiness from the chag of Sukkot where there is an actual mitzvah of “ושמחת בחגך”- to be happy. And, why particularly after the season of Teshuva? The answer can be found in a better understanding of the happiest days in the Jewish calendar which happened daily on Sukkot- the days of the ceremonies of the Simchat Beit Hashoeva- “The water drawing celebration” (literally: happiness of the house of the water-drawing). In the time of the Beit Hamikdash, there were daily glorious celebrations when the kohanim poured water next to the mizbeach (alter) and there was dancing, song and the whole Jewish people came out to celebrate. The mishna (Sukkah 51a) states,
“מִי שֶׁלֹּא רָאָה שִׂמְחַת בֵּית הַשּׁוֹאֵבָה, לֹא רָאָה שִׂמְחָה מִיָּמָיו”
”Whovever has not seen the Simchat Beit Hashoeveh celebration, never saw true happiness in his life.”
But, Rav Kook, as noted by Rabbi Chanan Morrison, points out that the name of the celebration is strange. Why is it called the celebration of “drawing water”? In fact, we know that at the celebration there was pouring of water- not drawing the water. The water was drawn the day before from the Shiloach pool. It should have been called “Simchat Beit Hanisuch” - the pouring. This points out that the main event was not the pouring, but the actual preparing before the event- the drawing of the water- that is what the people were celebrating. This seems to be counter- intuitive. Rav Kook points out that this teaches us an important lesson. Every person’s actions can be divided into two parts- the means and the ends. The ends are the final goals- the final dreams and what we want to achieve. The means are the daily steps and small actions that we need to do to get there- the effort. Most people only place importance on the ends- and fail to see the importance in the effort and the work it takes to get there. We need to celebrate the effort.
That is the message of the joyful holiday following Yamim Noraim. Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are when we establish our goals for the year- but those goals take hard work each day and effort. There is also value to that hard work. If one only focuses on the goal, if one does not achieve that goal then you are devastated. It is the journey to the goal that is important- that journey needs to be celebrated even if we fail to achieve our goals. As we quoted from Masechet Avot 5:23 last week, לפום צערא עגרא- According to the effort is the reward.
The same Dr. Carole Dweck that we also referenced last week, reveals a truth that when kept in mind can change one’s perspective on success. Dweck believes that most people have a misunderstanding of what intelligence truly is. This misunderstanding is integrally connected to how we as parents and teachers praise our children. In reality, intelligence is not fixed, but can be enhanced through learning. (Remember the power of “yet” we spoke about last week). We often praise our children “You’re so smart!” or “You’re an amazing math student!” This simply sets them up for negative feelings about themselves as they are more fearful of “messing up,” more prone to giving up and not working hard, and less confident in the long-term. On the other hand, praising children for their effort- their perseverance, strategies, and improvement, leads to greater self- confidence. “You worked so hard. You took amazing notes with bullet points, and then tested yourself using your flashcards.” And, even when they don’t achieve the grade, they still get praise for their effort, “You worked so hard on this. I am so proud of your effort. Let’s see what we can do together to figure out what you do not understand.”
Dweck studied the effects of praise over and over with children in different settings and of different ethnicities. In one study, some children were told, “You must be smart at these problems” and the other group were told “You must have worked hard at these problems.” Students who were praised for intelligence blamed problems they got wrong on their intelligence, while the group praised for effort attributed those wrong problems to effort...and felt they could do better the next time. When children were given a choice to choose a task, those in the intelligence praise group only chose activities they knew they could do well. Those in the “process praise” group chose tasks from which they thought they could learn. Dweck emphatically found, “Praising students’ intelligence give them a short burst of pride, followed by a long string of negative consequences…Students praised for effort made more reference to skills, knowledge, and areas they could change through effort and learning...Process praise keeps students focused, not on something called ability that they may or may not have and that magically creates success or failure, but on processes they can all engage in to learn.” Most importantly, Dweck stressed that effort is as important as talent.
Dr. Angela Duckworth, in her theory about the importance of grit, adds to Dweck’s theory by also stressing the essential nature of effort. “Grit entails working strenuously toward challenges, maintaining effort and interest over years despite failure, adversity and plateaus in progress. The gritty individual approaches achievement as a marathon; his or her advantage is stamina. Whereas disappointment or boredom signals to others that it is time to change trajectory and cut losses, the gritty individual stays the course.” Effort and the ability to not give up creates the champion.
So, as we celebrate the joyous chag HaSukkot- the chag of simcha, and celebrate Simchat Torah, may we perpetuate that simcha throughout the year. How? As we recall that we may not always achieve those religious and academic goals we have set for ourselves, but we must always remind our children and ourselves that it is the effort that counts, and as long as we try our best we have succeeded. As parents, we play an integral role in reinforcing the importance of effort with our children by the way we challenge and praise them.
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