This week I had the privilege of studying with my daughters for their Chumash and Navi tests. This privilege was not bequeathed upon me because I worked hard for my Masters in Jewish Education and have spent many years teaching Tanach. I was granted this honor because I’m a mom- as simple as that.
Those of you who know me or have been reading my column for some years know that I am constantly on alert for material for my weekly column. While studying both Chumash and Navi the same theme appeared and I took that as I sign that that topic was meant to be part of this week’s column.
One daughter was learning Melachim I 1:5. These pesukim tell the story of Adoniyahu’s attempt to usurp the kingship from his half brother Shlomo in Dovid HaMelech’s old age. It describes Adoniyahu as “Mitnaseh” “exalted himself.” And, it says in Pasuk 6, “And his father had not angered him all his days saying,’Why have you done so?’” The Radak pasuk 5 describes how Adoniyahu thought he should be king because he was better looking than his brothers “and he said in his heart that his father loved him more than his other brothers because he never rebuked him and never angered him and therefore he said, ‘I will be king.’” It struck me that this is a child who somehow grew up spoiled, leading to his rebellion.
Later in the week, I encountered Shemot 32:31 where Moshe Rabbeinu approaches Hashem after the Cheit HaEgel- sin of the golden calf, begging for forgiveness. Rashi on the words, “a god of gold” quotes a Gemara in Berachot 32a that Moshe is saying to Hashem, “It was You who caused them to sin, for you lavished upon them gold and whatever they desired. What should they have done so as not sin? It is like a parable of a king who gave his son to eat and drink, dressed him up, hung a coin purse on his neck, and stationed him at the entrance of a brothel. What can the son do so as not to sin?” In essence, Moshe is telling Hashem, “You spoiled them- that is why they sinned.”
Two sources related to over-indulging our children. Now, either I was getting a message relaying the topic of my weekly column or telling me that my own children are spoiled and I need to do something about it!
As parents, we often consider whether we are spoiling our kids. They no longer have to walk miles in the snow to school like we did in the “olden days” (or at least our parents had to). They don’t have after-school jobs or need to pay their way. If they have a test we will clean their rooms for them so they can focus on studying. Am I the only parent spoiling my children? Or are all American children spoiled?
An article in The New Yorker 2012 article “Spoiled Rotten- Why Do Kids Rule the Roost?”, by Elizabeth Kolbert attempts to answer these questions. In 2004, Caroline Izuierdo, an anthropologist at the University of California, lived for some months with the Matsigenka tribe in the Peruvian Amazon. She particularly note the behavior of a six year old girl who made herself useful (without being asked) by sweeping the sand off the sleeping mats twice a day, stacking the kapashi leaves for transport, and fishing for crustaceans- and cleaning, boiling and serving them.
She compared this behavior to those of children in the anthropological study she was doing at home in Los Angeles. No children in the L.A. families did chores without being asked. “Often, the kids had to be begged to attempt the simplest tasks; often they still refused. In one fairly typical encounter, a father asked his eight year old son five times to please go take a bath or a shower. After the fifth plea went unheeded, the father picked the boy up and carried him into the bathroom. A few minutes later, the kid, still unwashed, wandered into another room to play a video game… In another representative encounter, an eighter year old girl sat down at the dining table. Finding that no silverware had been laid out for her, she demanded, ‘How am I supposed to eat?’ Although she clearly knew where the silverware was kept, her father got up to get it for her.” In another incident, a boy who could clearly tie his own shoes demanded his father do it for him.
In comparing the girl from the Matsigenka tribe to the children in Los Angeles, and the significant difference in childhood responsibility, we need to ask, why is it that the six year old girl helps her parents so much and in LA it is the parents who are helping their children? American children may be the most indulged in history. They have been given too much “stuff” and have been “granted unprecedented authority.” Instead of children striving for their parents approval, parents seek approval from their children. ⅔ of American parents believe their children are spoiled. This spoiling trend may explain why adult children seem to have a prolonged “adultescence,” as stated by Sally Koslow in her book Slouching Toward Adulthood: Observations From The Not-So- Empty Nest. She says that our children live in “a broad savannah of entitlement that we’ve watered, landscaped, and hired gardeners to maintain.”
So, what do we need to do to “unspoil” our children?
1. In other cultures they believe “ignoring children is good for them.” We practice too much “helicopter parenting” where we hover over them at all times.
2. At times, we just need to say, “No” which we don’t say often enough. Limits- including the music they listen to, their technology use, the food they eat, and even the friends with whom they associate (which needs to be more subtly implemented as they get older).
3. We must never excuse their rude behavior.
4. We need to follow through on discipline. We often say there will be some consequence, but we do not carry out the consequence.
5. We should allow them to be self-sufficient. Reinforce their independence.
6. We cannot be afraid to disappoint.
7. Let them work for what they want.
6.They need to help out more at home and do more chores, as the Kolbert’s article highlights. In a Braun research study only 28% of parents regularly assign chores to their children, even though 82% said they grew up doing chores.
Why do we resist having our children do more chores? As Kolbert notes, when she first asked her son to take out the garbage he did not close the lid tightly, which attracted a bear and she spent the next morning collecting refuse. Sometimes we just don’t have the time to have our children help. It is easier to do it ourselves. We are also fearful of damaging our relationships with them. We don't want to constantly nag them. We at times feel guilty asking them to help, as they are so busy with their work and extracurricular activities.
Children who do chores have higher self-esteem, are more responsible, are better able to deal with frustration and delay gratification. Data collected over 25 years by Marty Rossman of University of Mississippi determined that starting chores at the age 3 or 4 lead to the subjects’ success in their mid-20s. Those children who started chores at a young age understood the importance of contributing to their families, had a greater sense of empathy, were better adjusted, had better relationships with friends and family and were more successful in their careers as adults. “The best predictor of young adults’ success in their mid-20’s was that they participated in household tasks when they were three or four.”
The good news is we are in good company. Both Dovid HaMelech and Hakadosh Baruch Hu “spoiled” their children (k’vayachol) (as some interpret the pesukim). It is never too late to “unspoil” our children. (I’ll let you know how it goes in my house!)
Advisory Update
Sixth Grade: Students learned how google classroom is an important tool for time management.
Seventh Grade: Students finished a unit on communication skills and teamwork by focusing on effective listening.
Eighth Grade- Some groups focused on interview skills this week, while others experienced a lesson on sexual harassment and teens as related to current events.
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