With the election upon us our Social Studies teachers have been working hard to ensure that our children are educated and up to date on the issues. Those of you who already know me know that I am always on the lookout for “teachable moments.” Teachable moments can appear anywhere- from a TV show, a book, a life situation, or even current events. This upcoming election is full of teachable moments. One such moment is a discussion about how to agree to disagree. Elections do bring up true disagreement, which can often be disrespectful and caustic.
What a “teachable moment” to talk about the art of disagreeing with grace! We do want our children to assert themselves and not give in if they disagree. But, we do want them to disagree respectfully. Adolescence is a time that we want them to assert themselves and present their views in a calm and reasonable manner.
The first rule of disagreement is that we never engage in a disagreement when either party is upset. Set a time for discussion once everyone has cooled down.
Face to face- no social media or texting. Short messages can be easily misconstrued. The agitation and upset can often escalate as one person waits for the other to respond, in the meanwhile imagining all the horrific things that may be happening. And, one way we often deal with an argument is by ignoring the text from the other who is upset. That just escalates the situation. People often text or post when they are multitasking and when they are not truly focused and may write something they don’t mean. Face to face disagreements are essential as people often use social media or texting to avoid facing the real issue. We also know the importance of empathy and understanding the other's position. A face to face conversation is the only way to truly get a sense of what the other is feeling.
Face to face means looking at the person. This is not always comfortable, but a skill that can be practiced.
Watch tone of voice and body language. Often we think our words are non-confrontational, but our tone or body language are.
LISTEN! Do not interrupt when others are speaking. Often we think we know what the person is going to say before he/she says it and we interrupt. We can practice active listening with our children.
In our 7th Grade Advisory program we teach them the steps of Active Listening:
Look at the other person.
Focus all your attention towards what the person is saying.
Indicate you are listening by saying things like “uh huh,” “really?” or “yes” in the right places.
Don't interrupt, correct mistakes, give advice or tell your own story.
Give the person time to speak. When there's silence for a moment, don't immediately fill the space.
Repeat/ restate what you have heard ex. “So, your problem is that I never clean my room?”
Validate what they said- letting them know you get what they are saying. ex. “That must have been really awful.”
6. Do make it clear that you understand what the other person is feeling and maybe even point out aspects of their argument with which you agree. Avoid saying he/she is wrong, but instead say that you agree to disagree.
7. Know when to end the conversation.
The key to all these skills is to practice them, when not in the state of disagreement, so that they are more natural when needed. And, of course, as I always note, to model them ourselves.
Danielle Greenbaum Davis, in her article “What The Talmud Can Teach Us About How To Argue With Each Other” that the Jewish people have a manual for how to “rationally, practically and productively disagree with one another...It’s called the Talmud...Each page has one thing in common:All feature polite, meticulous and creative styles of argument...The Talmud is filled with interlocutors who find themselves on opposing sides of a debate. Yet these opponents don’t work as enemies or make ad hominem attacks; they come off as collegial sparring partners, testing ideas for weaknesses and inconsistencies, aiming not to win but to find truth.”
Greenbaum continues that in today’s society when someone says or tweets something that to others does not make sense, the others pounce on it, condemn it and immediately dismiss it. In the Talmud, no matter how farfetched the idea, the “arguers of the Talmud look inward, wondering whether they might be missing something.”
The prime example of a disagreement in the Talmud is that of Hillel and Shammai. The Mishna in Avot 5:17 states:
כָּל מַחֲלֹקֶת שֶׁהִיא לְשֵׁם שָׁמַיִם, סוֹפָהּ לְהִתְקַיֵּם. וְשֶׁאֵינָהּ לְשֵׁם שָׁמַיִם, אֵין סוֹפָהּ לְהִתְקַיֵּם. אֵיזוֹ הִיא מַחֲלֹקֶת שֶׁהִיא לְשֵׁם שָׁמַיִם, זוֹ מַחֲלֹקֶת הִלֵּל וְשַׁמַּאי. וְשֶׁאֵינָהּ לְשֵׁם שָׁמַיִם, זוֹ מַחֲלֹקֶת קֹרַח וְכָל עֲדָתוֹ
Every dispute that is for the sake of Heaven, will in the end endure; But one that is not for the sake of Heaven, will not endure. Which is the controversy that is for the sake of Heaven? Such was the controversy of Hillel and Shammai. And which is the controversy that is not for the sake of Heaven? Such was the controversy of Korah and all his congregation.
The machloket of Hillel and Shammai was a model for us all. It was truly for “Heaven’s sake”- nothing to do with ego or personal self-interest, as Korach’s did. If we are truly able to hear the other side and listen, then that may indicate that our disagreement is “for the sake of Heaven.” In fact, while there was machlokot between them the Gemara in Yevamot 14b stresses that they got along well and they married into one another’s family-
לא נמנעו ב"ש מלישא נשים מבית הלל ולא ב"ה מבית שמאי ללמדך
שחיבה וריעות נוהגים זה בזה לקיים מה שנאמר (זכריה ח, יט) האמת והשלום אהבו
Despite the fact that these halakhot entail important ramifications depending on whether or not these women were married or fit for marriage, or whether their offspring are fit for marriage, Beit Shammai did not refrain from marrying women from Beit Hillel, nor did Beit Hillel refrain from marrying women from Beit Shammai. This serves to teach you that they practiced affection and camaraderie between them, to fulfill that which is stated: “Love truth and peace” (Zechariah 8:19)
This indicated that they each had nothing against the other and they respected each other.
The Gemara Eurvin 13b speaks again about another disagreement between Beit Hillel and Beit Shammai,
אָמַר רַבִּי אַבָּא אָמַר שְׁמוּאֵל: שָׁלֹשׁ שָׁנִים נֶחְלְקוּ בֵּית שַׁמַּאי וּבֵית הִלֵּל, הַלָּלוּ אוֹמְרִים: הֲלָכָה כְּמוֹתֵנוּ, וְהַלָּלוּ אוֹמְרִים: הֲלָכָה כְּמוֹתֵנוּ. יָצְאָה בַּת קוֹל וְאָמְרָה: אֵלּוּ וָאֵלּוּ דִּבְרֵי אֱלֹהִים חַיִּים הֵן, וַהֲלָכָה כְּבֵית הִלֵּל.
Rabbi Abba said that Shmuel said: For three years Beit Shammai and Beit Hillel disagreed. These said: The halakha is in accordance with our opinion, and these said: The halakha is in accordance with our opinion. Ultimately, a Divine Voice emerged and proclaimed: Both these and those are the words of the living God. However, the halakha is in accordance with the opinion of Beit Hillel.
The Gemara then continues to ask:
The Gemara asks: Since both these and those are the words of the living God, why were Beit Hillel privileged to have the halakha established in accordance with their opinion? The reason is that they were agreeable and forbearing, showing restraint when affronted, and when they taught the halakha they would teach both their own statements and the statements of Beit Shammai. Moreover, when they formulated their teachings and cited a dispute, they prioritized the statements of Beit Shammai to their own statements, in deference to Beit Shammai.
Beit Hillel’s opinions were chosen as they showed even more respect towards the one with whom they disagreed. Even when they were challenged by Beit Shammai they maintained that respect, and even taught their own students Beit Shammai’s opinions first!
We too need to raise our children that there is “divine” in all opinions, and respect all opponents. We can and should disagree, but it should never get to the point where we belittle the other. And, when our children study Talmud- therein lies another teachable moment- to discuss with them the nature of respectful and “divine” disagreement which can apply to all arenas of their lives.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students highlighted “time monsters” in their lives and things that distract from managing their time.
Seventh Grade: Students discussed how we often “judge a book by its cover” and judge others.
Eighth Grade: Students wrapped up their lesson on interviewing skills.
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