When my mother sent me this meme I immediately related to each one of the eleven lessons noted in it. It made me think about the lessons that our children need to weather the real-life storms in their lives.
The first type of storms our children will confront is that of “stormy emotions.” In fact, psychologist Dr. G. Stanley Hall, called adolescence a period of “storm and stress” when teens are often moody, in conflict and even engage in risky behaviors. He deemed adolescence a period of lack of control, similar to a storm. Dr. Albert Bandura, in his paper, “The Stormy Decade: Fact or Fiction?” actually cited research that indicated that most adolescents do not see their teenage years as stormy. He feels that in fact parents are often concerned if they have positive relationships with their teens and are constantly bracing themselves for that stormy relationship to develop. (If your teen is not storming- don’t be suspicious! Just be grateful!).
Regardless, the teenage years are definitely times of change physiologically and hormonally. We know that the prefrontal cortex, (the area of the brain that controls reasoning and thinking before acting), is still developing and teens tend to rely on the amygdala (associated with emotions, impulses and instinctive behaviors), to make decisions. And, an intense dependence on peers, and fear of peer rejection can lead to emotional reactions. So, adolescence is indeed full of some “stormy emotions.” (Of course, some degree of storm and stress is normal during this time, but if these behaviors are so extreme it may be time to consult a mental health practitioner).
What I find to be wonderful in working with teens is that they can be very rational and insightful. But, when they are upset, they cannot connect with that rational side. So, what to do when our teens are facing those stormy emotions?
Realize that there is often an underlying issue for the “storm” or tantrum.
We need to remain the calm in the storm. If our child is suffering, we may suffer with them. If they are yelling at us we may yell back. We are then joining our child in the emotional storm. We need to take a break before we rush in to put out the fire. Allow the storm to settle. This way we can avoid snapping at our children, or reacting angrily, which we might regret later. (And, of course, our children learn how to weather storms by seeing how the adults in their lives weather theirs).
Darcy Harbour, in her article “Calm In The Eye of Our Child’s Emotional Storm” talks about the importance of being a lighthouse for our children when they are storming. “Try to be an observer rather than a participant. This requires parents to employ our own emotion regulation skills. Take a deep breath and find our calm. We are the lighthouse and our child is the ship in distress. Let our calming light guide our child through the storm...Shine a light without getting on the boat” In essence we are telling him/her “I am here and you are safe.” We are here to help you find your way.
Validate, validate, validate. Research in fact shows that by simply naming the emotions our children are feeling they will start to feel better. No, “You’re overreacting!” or “Calm down already!” When we tell them to suppress their emotions we are invalidating them. We don’t have to agree with their feelings to validate them. Sometimes just feeling heard helps them move on to “calmer waters.”
We need to avoid blaming our children or ourselves for the storm that has ensued.
Kayla Marnach in “Life Storms Are Going To Happen” notes that like weathermen, if we can predict the storm we can help our children prepare and not only weather it and survive, but thrive.
Look for weather patterns. By knowing what causes difficulty for a child, you can head off potential problems by preparing the child with what is going to happen. Then you can work together to brain “storm” options to lessen the effects.
Be prepared. Just like you need to have an umbrella and galoshes for those rainy times, having a survival packet with you that contains a bottle of water, chewing gum, a fidget toy, even an online meditation app- whatever your child needs to self-regulate.
Choose your view. You can either attempt to run from the storm (deny it’s going to happen), be defiant in the face of it (make unreasonable demands of the child thereby creating more dysregulation), or embrace it, knowing that afterward a rainbow will come (love the child through it).
Some other techniques we can teach our children to help them weather stormy times in their lives are:
Practice optimism- optimism is mostly learned. It does not mean ignoring the reality of a difficult situation, but to view the challenge in a more hopeful way. Optimism is most definitely contagious.
Positive self-talk. Reframe the negative that has happened.
Encourage our children to help others. One might assume that when going through tough times only receiving support from others helps. But, in fact, supporting others and moving outside oneself actually enhances one’s own resilience and helps a person get through adversity.
At times, we need to allow the rain to continue to pour down. In Tara Cousineu’s article “Finding Comfort In An Emotional Storm: The R.A.I.N. Technique” she recommends the importance of R.A.I.N. when we or our teens are feeling overwhelmed.
R.- Recognize. Recognize what is going on in your mind, your body- your emotions and sensations without any judgment. At times we may want to name what is going on “I feel resentful…”
A.- Allow. Allow your feelings to be there despite their being uncomfortable or painful. Do not suppress what you are feeling.
I.- Investigate. Investigate what you are feeling with kindness and care- no accusations. Befriend yourself as you would care for another in an atmosphere of safety and understanding.
N.- Nurture/Nourish. Take care of yourself. And, N can also be non- attachment- take a step back and do not let your emotions hijack your reaction. “RAIN allows you to find refuge from the emotional storm by a very deep inner sense of peace, comfort, and homecoming.”
In this week’s parasha it is a תיבה which saves Noach from “stormy waters.” This word תיבה is found elsewhere in the Torah by the story of baby Moshe as he is placed in a תיבה to also save his life. The תיבה represents Hashem’s protection. As it says in Beraishit 9:16, after Noach brought all into the ark : ויסגור ה’ בעדו, “And, G-d shut him in.” Hashem Himself insulated Noach in the תיבה. Life will indeed be full of stormy times when we need to face turbulence and insecurity. As, I have written before, reminding ourselves that G-d is always with us to care for us is another element which can contribute to our mental health, resilience and hope for the future. As often and as much as we can reinforce and model this message with our children will contribute to their resiliency.
The key to all the skills above, including the spiritual one noted in the previous paragraph, is to practice them when the seas are calm and there is smooth sailing so that when the inevitable storm does arrive we are ready to face and ride the waves.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students began a new unit on Time Management.
Seventh Grade: Students began a training session empathy skills.
Eighth Grade: Students continued with interview skills, including mock interviews.
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