I recall the first day of school looking into the faces of our new sixth graders thinking, “How will I ever learn their names when I cannot even see their faces?” Thank G-d, I have been getting to know them underneath those masks.
Before I returned to school I purchased a number of clear masks thinking I would need them so that I could connect with the students. I actually haven’t even worn them.
But, mask-wearing has most definitely changed our regular everyday communication. It is harder to communicate and speaking with someone requires our full attention. Facial expressions are an integral part of communication. In fact, research done before Covid-19 on patients’ perceptions of doctors with and without masks indicates that patients had more negative perceptions of doctors when they wore masks. How does mask wearing affect our emotional recognition and social interaction?
Dustin York, in “How To Build Rapport...While Wearing A Mask” highlights his acronym P.A.V.E.- strategies needed for better communication while wearing face masks. Pause- since it is hard to see when we are pausing, we should accentuate our pauses so listeners know when they can jump in. Accentuate- Use different intonation. Volume- speak up. Emotion- make your voice more expressive.
Like many Covid-19 experiences, wearing masks has taught me a thing or two about communication skills we implement during this mask-wearing time that we can carry over into our general social skills as well. One such skill is active listening- when listening to another if we nod our heads and even say sentences like, “I got you,” “Really?” or by paraphrasing what they said, “So, you mean..” “I hear that you are saying…” they feel heard. Active listening is a skill we should always use, but absolutely necessary when wearing a mask.
Another communication skill to carry over to post-covid life is having to verbalize some things that before mask wearing were evident from our facial expressions. We need to state our emotions out loud. We cannot assume someone will read between the lines and get what we are saying, and then in turn be upset when he/she does not. Just say it! At times, the best way to know how someone is feeling if we cannot tell is to ask them to tell us.
The paying attention to the tone of voice of the speaker in order to ascertain emotional content is also another lesson that we can glean from this time period. And, of course, as the speaker, making the effort to make our tone of voice clear for the listener.
Most importantly, eye contact has become essential. Eyes are truly “windows to the soul.” They are the key to emotional connectedness. When people are upset they might furrow their eyes, and when happy they open them up wider. They might crinkle when laughing or roll them when they are annoyed or showing contempt. When concerned their eyes widen. One can tell when someone is faking happiness by looking at his/her eyes. Drs. Sebastiaan Mothot and and Stefan Van der Stigchel demonstrated that the size of a person's pupils can tell us about their emotions and intentions. Our pupils dilate when we are aroused. When we are interested in something our pupils dilate. When we are simply faking being interested our pupils will not dilate. There is an actual pupillary response that corresponds to our expectations and emotions. Additionally, "Eye contact, although it occurs over a gap of yards, is not a metaphor," psychiatrists Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, and Richard Lannon write in "A General Theory Of Love." "When we meet the gaze of another, two nervous systems achieve a palpable and intimate apposition."
A 2018 study found that when we make eye contact with another we are more likely to “engage in selfless, altruistic behavior.” We are also more likely to remember the details of our interaction with the other and to deem the other more positively. And, a Wall Street Journal Article, “Just Look Me In The Eye Already” states that an adult makes eye contact only 30-60% of the time in a conversation, but emotional connection is only made when the eye contact is made 60-70% of the conversation.
Clearly during this time the ability to read the language of the eyes is essential. But, this is a skill that we need to carry over to social skills post-covid. And, of course, making eye contact is plain old polite.
Teens especially are not particularly fond of making eye contact. They are self-conscious and generally look down at their phones so are not used to eye contact.
And, as we know, technology has changed the way teens make eye contact. It is not unusual to see a group of teens sitting together all looking at their phones and not at each other. In the age of technology we feel too vulnerable and awkward when making eye contact and often retreat to our phones to make contact with others. Connecting with others through social media is superficial. Communicating by digital means alone is not a way to develop a deep relationship or keep it going. We are raising a generation of teens who are more comfortable communicating via phone than in person.
And, just the mere presence of a phone, even if we are not looking at the screen, lowers the quality of the in-person conversation. The study, published in the journal Environment and Behavior, confirms the findings of a 2013 lab-based study in a real-world setting. It suggests you don't have to be actively checking your phone for it to divide your attention. If subjects held a phone on the table or in their hand during the conversation, they rated the conversation to be “less fulfilling” compared to conversations that took place without the phones present. There were less “feelings of interpersonal connectedness” and less “empathetic concern.”
"Mobile phones hold symbolic meaning in advanced technological societies," a research team led by Shalini Misra of Virginia Tech University writes. "In their presence, people have the constant urge to seek out information, check for communication, and direct their thoughts to other people and worlds. Even without active use, the presence of mobile technologies has the potential to divert individuals from face-to-face exchanges, thereby undermining the character and depth of these connections. Individuals are more likely to miss subtle cues, facial expressions, and changes in the tone of their conversation partner's voice, and have less eye contact."
And, there seems to be some long-term effects of technology use on a teen’s ability to read non-verbal emotional cues. Dr. Patricia Greenfield invited teens to spend five days at an overnight camp without any technology. Compared to a control group who had all their technology with them, the children at the camp were better at reading non-verbal emotional cues.
How do we teach our children to have eye contact which is an important component of emotional connectedness and an essential part of having manners? First demonstrate how important it is by demonstrating when they are trying to speak to you how it feels to have your eyes wandering. Explain that not only is it polite to look someone in the eye , but it does demonstrate empathy- they are truly hearing them. Then they should practice for short amounts of time at first. Have them look in between someone’s eyebrows to start. Tell them to see the color of a person’s eyes when they speak for however amount of time they can.
The impact of technology on the ability to make eye contact affects us as adults as well. In this age of multitasking, it has become the norm to have a conversation with no eye contact at all. Carolyn Gregorie in her article “How Technology is Killing Eye Contact,” says it aptly:
"All too often we're like cornered animals with our eyes darting from device to human and back to device," Daniel Sieberg, author of "The Digital Diet: The Four-Step Plan To Break Your Tech Addiction And Regain Balance In Your Life," tells The Huffington Post. "Eye contact can be especially meaningful in today's world of constant partial attention and it conveys a sentiment that the person you're with matters. Taking that extra time when possible can really yield benefits with face-to-face interaction."
However, most of us have become accustomed to conversations where digital devices interrupt eye contact: You're in a conversation with an acquaintance whose gaze is directed down at a screen while you're speaking, a friend jumps into the dinner conversation without looking up from the text she's composing, or you catch yourself nodding along to your daughter's story while reading an email. These interactions aren't just what previous generations would have considered rude: They're also undermining our ability to connect with the people in our lives.
We adults struggle with eye contact as well, but we are reminded of the importance of eye contact as parents and transmitting that importance to our children at all times- even after covid. Eye contact is essential for a true connection with our children. “Look at me when I am speaking to you,” we might say to our children. We want to see that they are truly listening. We can feel their emotions more and in turn they can feel ours. They can see the love in our eyes when they are looking at us. We too, as parents, are finding that in this age of technology we are spending less time making eye contact with our children. We too are engaged in digital multitasking.
The one on one time we spend with our children when we look into their eyes is desperately needed. Cindy Webb in her article, “The Importance of Making Eye Contact With Your Children,” speaks about three important steps to making a connection with your child- even when they are teens. 1. Physical Touch 2. Eye Contact 3. Focused Attention. We still need to hug them and kiss them goodbye. We should make dates with them to have focused attention- where we are fully present. Eye contact represents that focus- that only they are the center of our world. Christine Carter, Ph.D., author of Raising Happiness, 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents, writes, “It is the bull’s eye- the sweet spot of parenting. Sure, kids need time to just hang around with us while we check our email or cook dinner and they read or do their homework. But they also need us to focus on them a little bit each day, be totally present with them.” We need to make good eye contact as they tell us about their day. No yelling up the steps, but waiting to speak so we can see their eyes.
The Gemara Avodah Zarah 28b states: , דשורייני דעינא באובנתא דליבא תלו “The muscles of the eye are connected to the heart.” Our eyes have a deep connection to our emotions. No wonder eye contact is essential for developing connections with other and most importantly with our children. Wearing masks is just another opportunity to focus on that eye contact and connection.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students began a segment on how to determine appropriate behavior in class with teachers.
Seventh Grade: Students focused on resiliency and how we have the choice how to perceive situations.
Eighth Grade: Students began the 2nd half of our Advisory curriculum focusing on life after Yavneh- skills they will need for high school life.
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