Every Friday night my father, a”h, would bless us. Each child would wait his or her turn for the beracha. In my home, my children receive a beracha every Friday night as well. Now that my son is Israel for the year, he receives his over the phone before Shabbat begins. This Friday night blessing has always been an integral piece of my Shabbat experience. In many homes, the beracha that parents give their children each Friday night is a highlight of the week.
Why am I considering this beracha now? As we know, a piece of this beracha was found in yesterday’s parasha, as Yaakov tells Ephraim and Menashe that their names will be used for blessing for generations to come
וַיְבָ֨רֲכֵ֜ם בַּיּ֣וֹם הַהוּא֘ לֵאמוֹר֒ בְּךָ֗ יְבָרֵ֤ךְ יִשְׂרָאֵל֙ לֵאמֹ֔ר יְשִֽׂמְךָ֣ אֱלֹקים כְּאֶפְרַ֖יִם וְכִמְנַשֶּׁ֑ה
So he blessed them on that day, saying, "With you, Israel will bless, saying, 'May God make you like Ephraim and like Manasseh,' "
And, in truth, that is the case. Every boy on Friday night is blessed that Hashem should make him like Ephraim and Menashe.
In general, parashat Vayechi contains the individual blessings for each of the 12 sons of Yaakov. What is the importance of giving a child a blessing and what can it teach us as parents? What should we be thinking about on Friday night as our children receive these berachot that can make us better parents?
Rabbi Seth Grauer, in his article “Perspectives on Education, Pedagogy and Parenting” states that one of the first references to this custom of blessing one’s children comes from Rabbi Aharon Berachia ben Moshe of Modina, a 17th century kabbalist. He said, “that these blessings will be fulfilled not only for the child being blessed, but for the parent doing the blessing as well.” Somehow, this beracha makes an impact on not only the children, but on us as parents as well.
He then quotes Rabbi Yaakov Tzvi Mecklenberg, a 19th century German commentator on the siddur who “noted that during the week parents can at times (unfortunately) curse their children because of the strife that can occur between them. The blessing on Friday night is a way for parents and children to reconnect.” Hopefully Rabbi Mecklenberg is exaggerating, but I believe that he is crystallizing that the first goal of this beracha is. It forces us as parents to push away all the stress and strife we have had with our children over the week and to simply love them. We take a few minutes to consider how much we cherish them and how much they mean to us. (We should probably have a beracha for our spouses too!)
Grauer then quotes Senator Joe Lieberman from his book The Gift of Rest
“Of all the things that observant Jews do on the Sabbath …I would put blessing your family high on the list. It is a priceless moment of connection that no matter what has happened during the week, the parent feels blessed to have that child… As a parent you know that weeks can go by when you think of your children less as blessings and more as problems to be solved… Stopping to bless your children once a week makes us pause to appreciate how blessed we are to have them in the first place and reminds them of the love we feel for them.”
No matter what has happened that week, if you take a moment to hug your children, kiss their heads and bless them, you send them the message that you will always love them...no matter what.
Dr. Wendy Mogul, in her book Blessing of a B-, stresses the particular impact of this beracha on teens:
“My favorite part” (she writes), “of Shabbat with teens is the traditional blessing of the children… The thirty seconds it takes to say the blessing are intimate, tender, and wildly unlike everyday teen-parent interactions. I’ve never seen a teen resist it. The prayer is beautiful, and particularly touching when said over a teen who is in an undivine state of development…”
Let us delve deeper into additional meanings and impacts this blessing can have on us by beginning with a common question - why like Ephraim and Menashe? Why were they chosen to be the source of blessing? The question becomes even stronger as we see that girls are blessed to be like Sarah, Rivkah, Rachel and Leah. Why do we not bless boys to be like the patriarchs? One popular answer given is that if you look at all the brothers since the beginning of the Tanach, Ephraim and Menashe were the first two brothers who got along. We know that Yaakov flips his hands- puts his right hand on the younger and left hand on the older and yet they are not jealous of each other and do not compete. Unlike Kayin and Hevel, Yitzchak and Yishmael, Yaaov and Eisav and Yoseph and the rest of the brothers- Menashe and Ephraim do not battle, but accept their grandfather’s beracha with love.
If I take a moment to consider the hecticness of the week in my home I think about the everyday noise. “No he did it!” “Why do I have to set the table- it’s her turn?!” “I want to sit in the front seat- why does he get to?” Even in the most harmonious of homes we hear these sounds all week. And, then the calmness of Shabbat sets in. We take a moment to stop and bless our children. One of the utmost wishes that we have is that they should simply get along and there should be peace in the home.
Interestingly enough, how do we make that happen? Not by doing a group hug and blessing them all at once. Rather each child gets his/her individual blessing and attention.
Slovie Jungreis- Wolff, in her article, “Battling Sibling Rivalry” differentiates between sibling disagreements and sibling rivalry. With normal disagreements, the children normally get along, and have fights and conflicts at times.
“Rivalry is defined as a contest, competition, or conflict. We are talking about brothers and sisters who are constantly competing against each other. Life is one big tug of war, each side pulling against the other.
These children are constantly measuring and comparing:
“Hey! Why did she get a bigger piece of cake than me?”
“When I was his age, you never let me stay up so late!”
“Why does he get a playstation for his birthday and you never bought a gift like that for me?”
At times, that rivalry continues into adulthood, as Jungreis notes,
“I should’ve gotten that raise!”
“Why does my sister have such a great life?”
“How did my brother ever get that job? I am so much smarter than him!”
Such individuals never feel at peace. They are forever comparing and don’t know how to be content with what they have.
The root of this rivalry is people seeing life through an “envious lens.” We feed this jealousy when we treat each child the same- give them the exact size slice of cake, buy all the children toys at the same time and overall try to treat them the “same.” This is the error! No one in life is exactly the same. This fosters the contest and it grows “uglier.” When we teach our children that no two people in life are the same- we have our own talents, dislikes and even needs they come to realize they don’t need what their sibling needs. Jungreis gives a parable:
Being jealous is like eyeing someone else’s gorgeous piece of luggage. Nothing inside fits.
When I was a little girl, I was taught that being jealous is like eyeing someone else’s gorgeous piece of luggage. You lug it home excitedly, open it up, and realize too late that nothing fits. Besides, half the stuff inside isn’t even your taste.
Parents should not help children eye the lives of others. Kids should know that every child in the family is appreciated for his or her specific individuality. We also should not encourage the tantrums and discontent by striving to make each situation equal...And part of being a mensch in this world is being able to look at others without malice.
In Bereishit 50:28 if we look at the berachat of Yaakov to his sons it states, “All these are the twelve tribes of Israel... every one according to his blessing he blessed them.” We know that each tribe got his own individual blessing according to his own personality, abilities and future paths. We too can incorporate that in our Friday night blessings, despite the text being set. Rabbi Grauer thereby suggests:
There is a standard form of this bracha, as most of you know, but there is no reason that one cannot improvise and add one’s own blessing either as a weekly standard or a special prayer made to fit the circumstance of the week. Bottom line, each child gets his or her private moment with a parent – or even both parents.
Each child gets a personalized prayer, a hope, an apology perhaps, or maybe an expression of love whispered in their ear, intimately shared as if there were no one else present.
Each child receives a unique kiss in their own way. Those thirty second moments, added up over years of Shabbatot, result in an experience and a bond that many children look back upon fondly.
That experience ties children to their parents and to Shabbat in ways that are profoundly moving. In turn, those moments leave an impact not only on the child but on the parent as well, providing one with perspective on the week and on one’s child.
Adina Soclof, in her article, “Bless Your Children” highlights that one can individualize each child’s beracha by a special hug, gesture, or inside joke that makes it unique for that child.
Taking a moment aside for each child, giving each one his/her blessing, reminds us of the importance as parents to provide each child with his/her own piece of luggage. And, as we bless them we think, “May my children get along and love each other, and always be there for each other.” May they always remember, as my mother is fond of saying, “Family first.”
A second common explanation for why Ephraim and Menashe were chosen is because they grew up in Egypt and were able to stay true to their Jewish heritage even when surrounded by negative influences. As parents of teens we know that our most fervent wish is that our children will be able to stand up to negative peer pressure. Where did Ephraim and Menashe gain this ability to stand up to negative influences? From their father Yoseph.
For those who have been reading my column for some time, you will recognize that this is my opportunity to bring up my favorite Gemara regarding Yoseph, Yaakov and parenting. When Yoseph was in the house of Potiphar, far from home and his family, he faced the difficult situation of the wife of Potiphar. The Gemara in Sotah 36b describes that the wife of Potiphar had him by the coat and “ At that moment his father's image came and appeared to him through the window and said: 'Joseph, your brothers will have their names inscribed upon the stones of the ephod and yours amongst theirs; is it your wish to have your name expunged from amongst theirs and be called an associate of harlots?' Immediately his bow abode in strength.”
Clearly Yoseph's father was far away in Canaan- how could he have seen the image of his father Yaakov in the window? That image of Yaakov that he saw was the voice in his head. Over and over he had heard his father say, “Good boys don't act that way. In our family, our values are...” And, of course, like any teenager, (Yoseph was just 17 when he went to Egypt), he said to his dad, “I know, I know- why do you keep on telling me the same thing?!” And, yet, Yaakov continued sending those messages. That is why, when faced with a challenge to his morality, he heard that voice in his head.
So, when we have our frequent “talks” with our children they say to us, “I know, I know- enough already!” And, yet when they are faced with challenge, whether peer pressure to do the wrong thing or the temptation to engage in any at-risk behavior, or even the temptation to skip their homework, they will hear our voices in their head, and practically see our images before them reminding them of what they should do.
So, when we bless them on Friday night we are thinking “May they have the strength and ability to withstand negative influences and peer pressure. May they be able to hear my values echoing in their ears and stay safe.”
Adina Soclof, focuses on some other ways we as parents can use the blessing to keep us centered and grounded. In addition to some of the points we have outlined above, she notes that it is a perfect time to focus on how grateful we are. As peace has descended on our homes we are truly grateful for all that G-d has given us-both material possessions and spiritual sustenance, and of course, our families. It is also a fitting time to think of others whose material and spiritual needs may not be met, or may not have parents who are equipped to bless them, and send some blessings their way.
The Friday night blessing is our opportunity as parents to remind ourselves of what is important in life, and to relay strengthening messages to our children.
It has been many years since my father, a”h, has blessed me. In fact, we are approaching his 18th yahrzeit this coming יא שבט. But, I can still feel the sensation of his beard on my head as he blessed me and kissed me each Friday night. There is nothing like that feeling that you are loved. Let us remind our children of that each Friday night or as often as we can.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students discussed more of what is considered proper etiquette in a school setting.
Seventh Grade: Students discussed the impact of mindset and grit on resiliency.
Eighth Grade: Students began a unit on the changing relationship with parents that they are facing as adolescents.
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