Some of my favorite students over the years have been what I lovingly call “square pegs.” They are the students who just don’t fit into those round holes. They do not conform with the general population and often struggle trying to fit in. Actually, I often find that those “square pegs” may be content the way they are and it is the adults in their lives- whether us or their parents- who worry about getting them to fit in. What if your son isn’t into athletics and is more interested in reading, music or art? What if your daughter really just doesn’t care about how she looks when her classmates do? The question is, should we encourage these children to conform and try to fit in? Will life then be easier for them?
Some children might feel proud of their individuality. Those who are more vulnerable may suffer from the pressure they put on themselves to fit in and view themselves as “misfits.” Often, as parents, we place additional pressure on our children worried about their future- “How will he/she get into high school?” “Who will want to room with her in camp?” The first part is taking a step back and not worrying about the future. We do want to make sure our children feel understood. We want to help them pursue their passions. And, when we have to help them acquire skills or interests they don’t have, just so that they will succeed in school and in life we need to be careful. Debbie Roer in her book Differently Wired writes and worries that , “our kids may begin believing they’re not okay.” We also need to consider when we are working to bring our children more into the mainstream, “Whose need is it?” Is it more important to me that my child fit in and he is content the way he is?
One way to better understand these “square peg” children is by understanding the concept of “goodness of fit.” When a child’s character traits fit well into the environment and the people in the environment that is considered “goodness of fit.” When the child’s temperament and abilities meet the demands and expectations of the environment that is a good fit. Oftentimes, children are not a good fit with their family, for example. They may come from a family where the parents are quite social and they are introverts.
If we can help create a goodness of fit, we can help raise their self-esteem, avoid conflict, build a better relationship with our children. We first need to understand our child’s temperament and how that might be different from our own. When we are then presenting her with situations we need to consider how well that situation may fit with her temperament. And, when she must engage in an activity that does not fit with her temperament, what can we do to be more understanding, not show frustration and anticipate her needs by helping her ease into the situation? There are going to be times in life when she will encounter situations that are not good fits for her. How can she manage? What can she do to persist and get through it?
But, there is a difference between belonging and fitting in. Bene Brown, in her book The Gifts of Imperfection
“One of the biggest surprises in this research was learning that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing and in fact, fitting in gets in the way of belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”
"In fact, fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in, I've discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely—it's showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are—love of gourd painting, intense fear of public speaking and all. Many of us suffer from this split between who we are and who we present to the world in order to be accepted. But we're not letting ourselves be known, and this kind of incongruent living is soul-sucking."
Children often feel that they must fit in at all costs- and that is the only way to belong. They are bombarded by media that reinforces that message. You need to wear the right clothes, hang out with the right kids etc. Dr. Brown demonstrates the pressure to fit in is “Shame-based” telling children that they are not good enough.
Dr. Karen Pace, in her article, “Help kids learn the difference between ‘fitting in’ and ‘belonging’” quotes Dr. Brown’s research and highlights focus groups Dr. Brown ran with eighth graders. They shared, in her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead, some quotes that just say it all:
Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere you really want to be, but they don’t care one way or the other.
Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.
I get to be me if I belong. I have to be like you to fit in.
Interestingly enough, children often begin to feel this “not fitting in” sensation as in middle school. Jeni Marinucci, in her article “Not Fitting In At School: How To Help Your Child” quotes psychologist Paulo Pires notes that this timing is not coincidental. “‘From nine until eleven- what we call middle childhood- kids start to gain awareness of similarities and differences within peer groups, and hierarchies begin to develop. This puts some kids in the “cool” group while others float on the periphery.’ Pires’ colleague, Shonna John, adds that... This stage of development is completely normal, but it’s not easy for those left out. Some kids are naturally into activities considered popular, which at this age tend to be athletics, but not everyone can be a sports star. Where does that leave the bookworm, theatre aficionado or computer whiz?”
Belonging begins by giving your child permission to be who he is. And, overall, the ability to be comfortable in his own skin.
But, he also needs to know when there are times to fit in. There are times when it is in your best interest to not share one’s true opinions or personality. There are rules of manners and etiquette that our children need to learn as well. There are children who do benefit from social skills groups to help them “fit in” better at times. But, no matter what, we love them for who they are.
Above all, our children do need to know that if a group of friends makes you feel as if you are always trying to fit in and never truly belong, they probably are not the right friends for you.
The Gemara Sanhedrin 38a speaks of the creation of Adam HaRishon:
“The mishna teaches: And this serves to tell of the greatness of the Holy One, Blessed be He, as when a person stamps several coins with one seal, they are all similar to each other. But the supreme King of kings, the Holy One, Blessed be He, stamped all people with the seal of Adam the first man, as all are his offspring, and not one of them is similar to another.”
Hashem did create us all with similarities to Adam, and there are some behaviors we engage in that are common to us all. At times we need to fit in. But, let us remind our children that Hashem created every single one of us to be different and to be individuals. We are all unique and let us not give up that which makes us different in order to fit in. And, as Sara Radcliffe states in her article “Square Pegs,” “Being one’s best self always involves being one’s true self. Hashem makes no mistakes.”
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Using the steps of empathy- how can teachers and students ensure to provide each other with mutual respect?
Seventh Grade: Students focused on the power of upbeat thinking.
Eighth Grade: Using the skills of empathy how can parents and children get along better?
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