Our sixth graders are ending off a unit in Advisory that we affectionately call “Hey Dude, That’s Rude!” where we cover topics of respectful interactions and etiquette when it comes to interactions with peers, behavior at bar/bat mitzvahs and teacher- student interactions. The last lesson in this unit confronts netiquette. As I often spend time in my office speaking to students about situations where they have been victimized by rudeness or meanness online, I felt it was important to incorporate real-life scenarios so students can feel heard and so that situations that need to be addressed can be. I, therefore, sent out a survey to our middle schoolers before break asking them for real-life examples of a situation when they know someone used their device to hurt someone else.
These were the instructions:
As you know, we work in both Advisory and tech class to talk about avoiding behavior that hurts others when it comes to using our technology whether through texting, whatsapp, snapchat, e-mails etc.
I want to have some real-life situations to use in sixth grade Advisory when we talk about these things to use as examples of things NOT to do and how hurtful it was to another person when someone did that.
I have lots of examples of my own that students have shared with me, but I would love more.
Please do respond here with some real situations when someone was hurt by someone else using their device. DO NOT USE NAMES OF THE PEOPLE INVOLVED!!
If I get a lot of responses, I probably won't be able to use all of them, but I will try to use as many as I can.
And, I will probably change the situations somewhat so no one will guess who the situations are about.
Thank you!
And, the google form had a fill in the blank for them to do:
Here is a story of a situation when someone used a device in a way that was hurtful to someone else.
These are some of the scenarios that the students submitted:
A girl in my grade posted photos of herself with all the girls in my class...except for me and one other girl. I felt really left out.
People got together, hung out, and posted a picture of themselves on social media. A close friend saw the picture and was devastated that they weren't included. This teaches us to always be careful with what you post. .
One time I was playing a game and there was someone in the game who called me a noob (someone bad at the game) because I didn't have a skin or a customized character. They also called me poor because to get the items to customize my character, you needed to pay money. This got me really upset and I didn’t play the game for a while after that.
Kathleen impersonated someone else online by changing the name on her contacts, and claimed she was Cheryl. (When she really wasn’t). She reached out to Cheryl’s friend Charlene and told her, “I hate you.” Charlene thought it was really Cheryl writing that, but it wasn’t. Kathleen thought it was just a prank and it almost broke up a friendship.
A kid named Simeon Chuwawa was in a groupchat with other six graders and they were sending texts saying that he was ugly, not cool, has no friends and it hurt his feelings
A bunch of girls I thought I was friends with did a group costume for Purim and left me out. That wouldn’t have been so bad, but then they posted it everywhere - which made me feel terrible!
Someone took a picture of me and made me look weird and sent it around.
A lot of times in our grade whatsapp chat, there are a lot of hurtful comments regarding what people look like.
A group of girls hung out and posted tiktoks, and made people feel bad.
Chelsea was making a slideshow for Navi and Carol saw it. Carol thought it was a terrible slideshow. She took pictures of it and sent it to Errill, Hope, and Geraldine. But she accidentally also included Chelsea in the text group chat! Carol and the other girls were all making fun of it and Chelsea felt extremely bad.
A class chat was created with everyone in the class except for one person in the class. The chat name was in mockery of the student who was left out. Ultimately the student left out heard about the chat and was very hurt.
A group of kids in my grade had a chat. My friend Carlos kept on trying to include me, but one boy kept on kicking me off.
My friend (or someone I thought was my friend) made up a rumor about me and spread it online.
I told my good friend a secret which I trusted her with and she sent it to a friend who sent it to lots of people. It was mortifying!
During Bar Mitzvah and Bat Mitzvah season, many times there would be kids who had more private parties with few kids. With Yavneh’s restrictions, many kids who would have expected to be invited weren’t. This is okay, as long as no one knows about it. But with Snapchat, Instagram and Tik Tok, these apps included posts from these parties, which led to people getting mad at each other and possibly ruining friendships because of a little Snapchat story.
The Advisors had some guiding questions to discuss each scenario and help the students think about some questions like: (in addition to the general discussions)
Do you find that people are often rude on these large group chats? What do you do when you see someone posting something mean- do you stand up for that person? Do you leave the chat?
Maybe if you are going to do something exclusive- does publicizing make it worse?
What kind of tiktoks do kids make that make others feel bad?
Do you sometimes do something rude online without even realizing?
Why are rumors so much more damaging online?
Why is it considered rude to reveal something someone told you in confidence? Why is it worse online?
Does it matter if someone posts and you weren’t the only one not there?
While we are still in the middle of this lesson, and I can share more when we are done, the discussion has truly hit home.
I think about this lesson specifically today, on Super bowl Sunday- a day that I typically worry about students feeling left out. I guess one positive result from not being able to have super bowl parties with those outside of our families, is that no one is feeling left out, unincluded and not invited. Those of you who have been reading my columns for years know that I have discussed (and I quote) the social pressure it places on children to feel included. How terrible it feels for a child to have nowhere to go when it appears that all his/her friends have been invited... Every year there is someone not invited to a super bowl party. Every year there is someone worried that he will not be invited. Every year there is someone embarrassed to admit he hasn’t been invited. Every year someone is excluded and sitting on the sidelines.
This feeling of exclusion is exacerbated by social media and all the postings. And, this is a topic I have written about many times and we cover in Advisory as well.
I want to focus on scenario #6 that was submitted in the survey- A bunch of girls I thought I was friends with did a group costume for Purim and left me out. That wouldn’t have been so bad, but then they posted it everywhere - which made me feel terrible!
Group costumes- another source of feeling left out. While it is not even Rosh Chodesh Adar yet, I have already come across girls worried about who they will dress up with, knowing that there are groups forming and they are feeling left out. That is why I felt the urge to write this column this week.
As parents we know that at times our children will face disappointment and will feel left out. We will listen, empathize, and hug them. We may share similar situations that we have experienced and normalize it for them. We might even discuss other friendship options- if they are ready to hear those. We might explore solutions with them. We might even reach out to the school for help. And, we know that raising resilient children who can handle feeling left out is important.
But, it is also important to raise children who are “includers.” An includer is someone who has an awareness of those who feel left out and makes an effort to include them. Includers
Reach out to the “outsider”
Are accepting of others
Want others to feel a part of things
Are nonjudgmental
Believe everyone is equally important and valued
Includers have a great talent and their “specialty in relationship building is with the“invisible people” and people who others ignore. You instinctively know what to say and how to include those who others ignore and leave out.” An includer even at times has the ability to see the person who might be physically in the middle of the group but is still feeling left out. An includer always makes the circle wider so all can be included.
Dr. Donald Clifton, states that an includer “stretches the circle wider.”You want to include people and make them feel part of the group. In direct contrast to those who are drawn only to exclusive groups, you actively avoid those groups that exclude others. You want to expand the group so that as many people as possible can benefit from its support. You hate the sight of someone on the outside looking in. You want to draw them in so that they can feel the warmth of the group. You are an instinctively accepting person....We are all equally important. Thus, no one should be ignored. Each of us should be included. It is the least we all deserve.
So, when our children leave the house to bar/ bat mitzvah, while it might seem hokey, we should say, “Have fun. Look for someone to include.” (Be an includer!).
It is not enough to raise our children not to be bullies or to not exclude others purposefully. We need to raise includers. We can do this by actively asking them, “Are there any kids in your class who are left out? Anyone you think we should invite to join?” Thus the first step to being an includer is to be a “noticer.” Usually children are not leaving out others because they are being mean. Usually it is because no one notices. Notice the one who is standing alone at recess. Notice the one who doesn’t seem to have a lot of friends.
Nicole on the website coffeandcarpool.com notes the difference between being kind and being an includer. Being kind is simple. It is “It’s a smile, helping someone without being asked and it’s a general lack of meanness.” But, being an includer is more than kindness. It’s pausing what you’re doing and actively looking around for someone who is alone. It’s preemptively searching for someone who is silently asking for help. And then it’s going out of your way, and sometimes out of your comfort zone, to include them in what you’re doing. Being an includer is bringing people together. Includers pause what they are doing and invite others to join.
This anonymous Nicole says that each day when she drops her children off at school she reminds them to be “includers.” I may not be able to change the whole world by making it a kinder place. But I improve my small corner of the world by teaching our kids to change one other kid’s world.
I know that covid has exacerbated some of the feelings of being left out that some of our students feel. With the cold weather, it isn’t possible to invite “just one more” to a backyard distanced get-together. And, those who often feel excluded feel even more excluded, and they cannot just easily invite someone over.
Speaking of “just one more,” let’s get back to our Purim inclusiveness. Last year we started our “just one more” Mishloach Manot campaign.
As a reminder...As children we learned that the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 128:1 states that Elul is an acronym for “Ani l'dodi v'dodi li” - I am to my beloved as my beloved is to me- depicting our relationship with Hashem which we work on in Elul. (Yes, I know we begin Adar at the end of this week!) But, the Shulchan Aruch also states that it stands for “u'mishloach manot ish l'reaehu u’matanot l’evyonim”-Sending gifts from a person to his friend and presents to the poor”(Esther 9:22). What does Purim have to do with Elul? It is not about Purim, but rather sharing that the way to work on our relationship with Hashem is through working on our relationships with others. I imagine that the people of Shushan did not only give Mishloach Manot to their particular friends. What would it be like if we delivered a package this Purim to someone who could use a friend? What if we were to encourage our children to do so as well? What if we were to focus on the skill of empathy and encourage our children to imagine what it feels like to receive no packages on Purim day? Let’s be includers.
And, then there are the costumes. What is the purpose of the costumes to begin with? There are a number of explanations, but Rabbi Epharim Greenblatt says that based on a halacha in Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim 694:3, on Purim we mask our identity so that the poor who need to go around collecting money should not be embarrassed. Costumes are one way we show concern for others and help them maintain their dignity. Can we be includers when it comes to costumes as well?
The theme of Purim is unity. “There is a certain people who are scattered and separate..” says Haman. When they were disunited Haman had power over them. And, to combat the evil plan of Haman Esther urges Mordechai to “Go , assemble and gather the Jews.” Only through unity and through being includers will the salvation come.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students focused on netiquette.
Seventh Grade: Students uncovered the power of self-talk in combatting stress.
Eighth Grade: Students discussed preparing for the admissions news this coming Tuesday and how to cope with both good and disappointing news.
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