Last year, March 7, 2019, was the date I wrote a column on the topic of Purim. In fact the topic was “The Daily Masks We Wear” - referring to psychological masks our teens wear throughout the year. In the article I considered the benefits and drawbacks of those “masks” for our teens. Little did I know then that a week later we would be out of school and we would still be wearing very real masks a year later. The word mask has taken on a whole other meaning.
A group of 8th graders came to me over a month ago to speak to me about a problem they felt some of the students in their class had. They felt their peers about whom they were concerned weren’t able to be themselves and felt peer pressure to act like everyone else and to not stand out. These young ladies felt strongly that it is important for people to stand up for what they believe in and be themselves. What can we do to help teens feel that they can be their “authentic” selves? (My term, not theirs).
It reminded me of a paragraph from my last year’s column: But, then there are the “metaphorical masks.” Teens are searching for independence, while at the same time searching for their identities. “Who am I?”, they wonder. They also are desperate to belong. Some teens try on different identities while growing up, thus wearing different masks. Some are so desperate to be accepted, they wear a mask to make themselves seem like everyone else. And, of course, they are terrified of others thinking they are not good enough...The more uncertain a teen feels the more he may feel the need to wear the mask. The more respected and safer he feels, the more he is able to be his authentic self. It is our job as the adults in their lives to help them feel respected and safe so they can remove their masks.
This year, I want to focus more on what we can do to help our children be authentic and proud to be who they truly are.
In this past week’s parasha we learned about the Aron. In Shemot 25:11 it states: Shemot 25:11
יאוְצִפִּיתָ֤ אֹתוֹ֙ זָהָ֣ב טָה֔וֹר מִבַּ֥יִת וּמִח֖וּץ תְּצַפֶּ֑נּוּ וְעָשִׂ֧יתָ עָלָ֛יו זֵ֥ר זָהָ֖ב סָבִֽיב:
11And you shall overlay it with pure gold; from inside and from outside you shall overlay it, and you shall make upon it a golden crown all around.
The Ark was gold on the inside and on the outside. The Gemara Yoma 72b states:
מִבַּיִת וּמִחוּץ תְּצַפֶּנּוּ אָמַר רָבָא כׇּל תַּלְמִיד חָכָם שֶׁאֵין תּוֹכוֹ כְּבָרוֹ אֵינוֹ תַּלְמִיד חָכָם
The verse states concerning the Ark: “From within and from without you shall cover it” (Exodus 25:11). Rava said: This alludes to the idea that any Torah scholar whose inside is not like his outside, i.e., whose outward expression of righteousness is insincere, is not to be considered a Torah scholar. And, in fact, in Gemara Berachot 28a noted that Rabban Gamliel would not let anyone into his Beit Midrash who was not תּוֹכוֹ כְּבָרוֹ.
So, how do we help our children find their inner selves so that they can be proud to share it with others?
First, as the adults in their lives, we need to see who they really are. Ruth Charney, in her book Teaching Children to Care describes how important it is for children to be seen. She begins by saying that it is obvious why younger children need to be seen- so that we can make sure they are safe and don’t wander off. “But I have also found that...thirteen year olds need to be seen...They need encouragement and validation that comes from our best attention to their efforts. They need the safety that comes from the belief that their teachers see them, knows them. Mutual trust grows from this security. When all children feel seen, they are released to work...what a profound gift it is to be seen.” When teens do not feel seen, when they feel invisible, they feel like they do not matter. When they feel that we are noticing who they really are, they feel like they count, and they are more prone to show all who they really are.
The aron symbolized the importance of being תּוֹכוֹ כְּבָרוֹ- sincerely outside what you truly are inside. Authentic. Interestingly enough, it does not say a person should be perfect inside and out, says Rabbi Shaul Rosenblatt in his article “The Power of Imperfection.” “It just says that they should be the same - no pretending, no covering up. If there are imperfections on the inside, a Jewish sage will not pretend to others that they are not there. He will accept them and strive to improve them.” And, it is quite impactful when a role model, like a parent or a teacher, admits when he/she makes a mistake and models for a child how it is okay to be imperfect. We need not wear a mask and pretend that we are perfect. That relieves so much pressure from our children- the pressure to cover up who they really are.
Our children need self-esteem to reveal who they really are. We know that the lower a person’s self-esteem the more susceptible he/she is to peer pressure and not being able to stand up for what he/she truly believes. When a person’s self-esteem is low the need for validation from others increases- especially validation from peers.
Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, z”tl, great scholar and psychiatrist who passed away a few weeks ago was famous for his works on self-esteem. In his book Ten Steps To Being Your Best he speaks about raising children with self- esteem. He tells a story which presents one tip to raising a child with self-esteem:
Parents took their six-year-old son to a restaurant. After taking the parents' orders, the waitress turned to the child, "And what will you have?"
The child responded, "Two hot dogs with lots of mustard and a coke."
The mother smiled to the waitress and said, "You can bring him roast beef with mashed potatoes and vegetables."
The waitress returned with the parents' orders, and in front of the child she set two hot dogs and a coke. The mother was horrified, but the child grinned from ear to ear and said, "Look, Mommy! She thinks I'm real."
Parents must give their children an opportunity to feel that they are real, and that they are people, very much a part of the family, but distinct entities in their own right. Children should be permitted to make age-appropriate decisions. Their feelings should be respected...Respecting a child's feelings means realizing that a child has the right to have feelings. There are some feelings that we consider objectionable, and it is only if we recognize that the child has these feelings that we can help him cope with them and redirect them, wherever possible, to constructive channels.
One way Twerski suggests to raise children with self-esteem is raising them to make decisions. But, he adds...
Parenting for self-esteem is somewhat like walking a tightrope. There is not too much room for deviation in either direction. If children are not allowed to exercise their decision-making skills because the parents do everything for them, they may never develop self-confidence. If children receive no guidance and teaching, they may grow up without a sense of responsibility and dignity.
Queen Esther typified a woman who masked her true identity. She was unable to share who she truly was inside. She hid her assertiveness and strength until she had no choice. Rav Aharon Lichtenstein, ztl, in his article “If you Remain Silent At This Time: Concern For The Jewish People” writes of two Esthers. Esther 1 was “powerless and completely lacking in independence of thought or action.” She was like Mordechai’s daughter and did whatever he said. Esther 1 is hidden, “But what is her identity? What is her character? What philosophy drives her?” We know nothing.
Esther 2, at the 2nd half of the megilla, on the other hand, is assertive, and takes on Achashveirosh and Haman. “Those latent character traits which until now have lain dormant burst to the surface. Deeply hidden resources that have been concealed in the recesses of the soul reveal themselves when the will prevails, and prove themselves capable of overturning worlds, annulling decrees and changing the fate of an entire nation.” Esther reveals who she truly is inside. Esther connects with her self-esteem and is no longer passive.
Rav Lichtenstein asserts, ‘“We are all, to some degree, Esther. Each of us, for whatever reason, has doubts as to his or her abilities. We, too, are hesitant: ‘What, I’m going to achieve all that? I’m going to save Am Yisrael? I’m going to put a stop to assimilation? I’m just a youngster; I can achieve only a little: a little bit in my neighborhood, a little bit in a youth group, a little bit in the family. But to start a revolution? To determine the future of a nation? To avert an evil decree? Little me?’”
Only when Esther realized her true abilities, was she able to be תּוֹכה כְּבָרה- truly authentic and stand up for what she believed in despite what others around her thought.
May we celebrate together without masks (literally and figuratively) as we raise our children to unmask and show their authentic selves.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students did a lesson on netiquette and discussed the social impact of group costumes.
Seventh Grade: Students learned about mindful self-compassion and discussed the impact of group costumes.
Eighth Grade: Students continued a unit on cheating.
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