After hearing that Brett Kavanaugh was
sworn into the Supreme Court this Saturday, I contemplated what we as parents
can learn from these weeks of media frenzy. As someone who works with teens,
whether Kavanaugh did or did not do what Christine Blasey Ford said he
did, I immediately thought about how
Kavanaugh was a teenager, just like our children, 35 years ago. What he may
have done as a teenager was following him today.
As I have gotten to know the “tweens” and
“teens” intimately over the years, I often consider how much they have to
grow, mature, change and become who they are meant to be. When I bump
into graduates, who now have families of their own, I am often proud to see how
the little boy who couldn’t stop talking in class is a beloved teacher in a
local school. Or when I receive a hug from the young girl who was the
center of numerous friendship “dramas,” and is now a well- respected member of
her community, especially known for her warmth with others- I glow with pride.
After being in this business for 22 years, when I look into the
eyes of a child struggling behaviorally, academically, socially, or
emotionally, I can imagine the great heights to which he can soar. I wonder, 35 years from now, are our still
developing teens to be held accountable for what they did or who they were when
they were teenagers? We often speak of the under-developed frontal lobe
of the brain of the teenager, and that they often do not have full control of
their impulses.
As we just left the season of Teshuva, we know
that we believe in the person’s ability to change. In fact, The Gemara in
Bava Metzia 58b warns us of not reminding a truly repentant person of his past,
אם היה בעל תשובה לא
יאמר לו זכור מעשיך הראשונים
“If one is a penitent, another may not say to
him: Remember your earlier deeds.” And, the Rambam
says in Hilchot Teshuva 2:4, one path to Teshuva is ומשנה שמו כלומר אני אחר ואיני אותו
האיש to change his name, as if to
say "I am a different person and not the same one who sinned."
It is as if the Baal Teshuva, who regrets and changes, is actually
a different person. Why should we penalize someone for his past- especially
when he was a teen?
On the other hand, I also consider that what teens do to others can impact those
peers forever. I have seen that impact first hand time and time again.
Socially isolating another child in the teenage years can have a life-long
impact on that child, his self-esteem, his future relationships, and his future
success in life. Conversely, a kind, supportive friendship in the teenage
years, can truly be life-changing, and can contribute to the confidence
of the future adult. While I spend time
writing lesson plans to facilitate teens gaining life skills in the middle
school years, I do believe that life
habits, behaviors, and even character traits developed during the teenage years
can be lifelong. What they do as teens
does impact others, and impacts on their own personality development for a lifetime.
We do
constantly remind our students that it is no excuse to say “I’m only a kid.”
Especially in today’s world of social media, our teens need to understand that
what they do makes an impact and lasts forever. A youthful mistake can follow you. What you say and do now can live on many
years later. An inappropriate facebook
post or a mean “prank” in sleepaway camp, can impact high school and college
admissions, and even a future job acceptance. And, even a suspicion of
doing the wrong thing- even if it did not happen, can impact on one’s future.
This speaks volumes about the importance of hanging out with the “right crowd,
” and not finding oneself at the “wrong parties” or in at-risk situations.
Simply being with those who are doing the wrong thing can impact on one’s
reputation. All it takes is one allegation.
As parents, the Kavanaugh hearing is a teachable
moment for us to remind our children that youthful indiscretions will come back
to haunt you. Wrong is wrong, no matter what age you are. And, a stupid
choice in the past cannot be undone. We also need to remind them not to put
themselves in at-risk positions where there is potential for them to be
accused.
These hearings provided another teachable moment
to parents. Dr. Tani Foger, in her article “An Embarrassing And Cringeworthy
But Teachable Moment,” shares that this event was a “golden opportunity” for
parents as it presented us with an opening to talk to our students about
teenage drinking, resisting peer pressure and appropriate boy- girl
interactions. These are all topics we speak about in black and
white in our 7th and 8th grade Advisory and Adolescent Life Classes. Here are
some areas Dr. Foger mentions to highlight with our teens, while using the
Kavanaugh hearings as a springboard for discussion
Talk about the perils of seemingly harmless
behavior that can get out of control.
Discuss the dangers of binge drinking
No always means no! No NEVER means “maybe” or
“yes.”
Don’t get caught up the mob mentality. Just
because a group of kids are acting a certain way, don’t join if you think that
you will be ashamed or will regret your behavior the next day.
Be aware of the private jokes and comments that
you share in a yearbook or on Facebook, Instagram or other social media are a
permanent record, and can come back to haunt you many years from now.
Teens should be reminded not to go off with
anyone who appears to be drinking or drunk.
Girls need to be better prepared for what
they may encounter, even as early as middle school.
In essence, we are all accountable for our
actions, (as you recall that book “on high” we had discussed in a previous
column), while at the same time, we do believe in the ability to change.
Let us take the opportunity to discuss these issues with our children.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade; Students
discussed plans for how they may succeed in sixth grade and identified their
own learning styles and how to apply them.
Seventh Grade: Students began their unit to prepare for their Frost Valley
Leadership Retreat on working in a team and communication skills.
Eighth grade: Goal setting for the year, utilizing S.M.A.R.T. goals and the grit
needed to succeed were highlighted.
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