Although
we have only had about 10 days of school, as noted in my previous column, our
students have already begun setting goals for themselves. What if
they cannot achieve the grades that they seek? What if they fail at achieving
what they perceive as academic success? As we leave Yom Kippur and
approach Sukkot we, adults, feel the same way. All those things we promised we
would do better...now we actually have to do them. That can seem a bit
intimidating. What if we can’t do it all? What if we fail?
`Both
Judaism and psychology can provide the key to maintaining confidence, and
not becoming dejected by failure. When one thinks about it, the transition from
the Yamin Noraim to Sukkot is going from the most somber and introspective days
of the year to the happiest one- when there is an actual mitzvah of “ושמחת בחגך”- to be happy. What is the connection
between these totally different time periods?
The answer can be found in a better understanding of the happiest day in
Sukkot- the day of the Simchat Beit Hashoeva- “The water drawing celebration”
In the time of the Beit Hamikdash, there was a glorious celebration when
the kohanim poured water next to the mizbeach and there was dancing, song and
the whole Jewish people came out to celebrate. The
mishna (Sukkah 51a) states, “Mi sheloh ra'ah Simchat Beit Hashoevah loh
ra'ah simcha miyamav, ”Whovever has not seen the Simchat Beit Hashoeveh
celebration never saw true simcha in his life.”
But, Rav Kook, as noted in by Rabbi Chanan Morrison, points
out that the name of the celebration is strange. Why is called the celebration
of “drawing water”? In fact, we know that at the celebration there was pouring
of water- not drawing the water. The water was drawn the day before from the
Shiloach pool. It should have been called “Simchat Beit Hnisuch” - the
pouring. This points out that the main event was not the pouring, but the
actual preparing before the event- the drawing of the water- that is what the
people were celebrating. This seems to be counter- intuitive. Rav Kook points out that this teaches us an
important lesson. Every person’s actions
can be divided into two parts- the means and the ends. The ends are the final
goals- the final dreams and what we want to achieve. The means are the
daily steps and small actions that we need to do to get there- the effort. Most people only place importance on the
ends- and fail to see the importance in the effort and the work it takes to get
there. We need to celebrate the effort.
That is the message of the joyful holiday following Yamim
Noraim. Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are when we establish our goals for the
year- but those goals take hard work each day and effort. There is also
value to that hard work. If one only
focuses on the goal, if one does not achieve that goal then you are devastated. It is the journey to the goal that is
important- that journey needs to be celebrated even if we fail to achieve our
goals. As it says in Masechet Avot 5:23, לפום צערא עגרא-
According to the effort is the reward.
Dr.
Carole Dweck, famous for her book Mindset, reveals a truth that when
kept it in mind can change one’s perspective on success. Dweck believes
that most people have a misunderstanding of what intelligence truly is. This
misunderstanding is integrally connected to how we as parents and teachers
praise our children. In reality, intelligence is not fixed, but can be
enhanced through learning. We often
praise our children “You’re so smart!” or “You’re an amazing math student!” This simply sets them up for negative
feelings about themselves as they are more fearful of “messing up,” more prone
to giving up and not working hard, and less confident in the long-term.
On the other hand, praising children for their effort- their
perseverance, strategies, improvement, leads to greater self- confidence. “You worked so hard. You took amazing notes
with bullet points, and then tested yourself using your flashcards.” And, even
when they don’t achieve the grade, they still get praise for their effort, “
You worked so hard on this. I am so proud of your effort. Let’s see what we can
do together to figure out what you do not understand.”
Dweck
studied the effects of praise over and over with children in different settings
and of different ethnicities. In one study, some children were told, “You
must be smart at these problems” and the other group were told “You must have
worked hard at these problems.” Students who were praised for intelligence
blamed problems they got wrong on their intelligence, while the group praised
for effort attributed those wrong problems to effort...and felt they could do
better the next time. When children were given a choice to choose a task, those
in the intelligence praise group only chose activities they knew they could do
well. Those in the “process praise” group chose tasks from which they
thought they could learn. Dweck
emphatically found, “Praising students’ intelligence give them a short burst of
pride, followed by a long string of negative consequences…Students praised for
effort made more reference to skills, knowledge, and areas they could change
through effort and learning...Process praise keeps students focused, not on
something called ability that they may or may not have and that magically
creates success or failure, but on processes they can all engage in to learn.”
Most importantly, Dweck stressed that effort is as important as talent.
Dr. Angela Duckworth, in her theory
about the importance of grit, adds to Dweck’s theory by also stressing the
essential nature of effort. “Grit entails working strenuously toward
challenges, maintaining effort and interest over years despite failure,
adversity and plateaus in progress. The gritty individual approaches
achievement as a marathon; his or her advantage is stamina. Whereas
disappointment or boredom signals to other that it is time to change trajectory
and cut losses, the gritty individual stays the course.” Effort and the ability
to not give up creates the champion.
So, as we
begin a new year in school and in life- we may not always achieve those
religious and academic goals we have set for ourselves, but may we always
remind our children and ourselves that it is the effort that counts, and as
long as we try our best we have succeeded.
As parents, we play an integral role in reinforcing the importance of
effort with our children by the way we challenge and praise them.
Advisory Update:
The Advisory groups who met during this short week:
Sixth Grade: Students discussed the skills of a good discussion.
They also got copies of our last year’s sixth graders tips for success in
middle school. They had the chance to contemplate and discuss what they thought
the keys to success in middle school are.
Seventh Grade: Our boys began Advisory this week and left the first lesson
with the understanding of their role in changing the world around them and
their ability to change themselves.
Eighth Grade: In the footsteps of our Amazing Maize Maze activity last
Friday, our students discussed a video of the book Who Moved My Cheese
by Spencer Johnson. It is a story about four characters trying to get
through a maze, (the maze of life), that’s truly a parable about changing one’s
beliefs and perspectives and overcoming fear to achieve success.
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