As
someone who works with teens when I enter a shul I often make note of the
teenagers and how they are davening. When a teen is in shul and davening
beautifully, even if I do not even know the teen, I “kvell” as I know this is
no simple feat. I am proud of the young lady herself, connecting with Hashem.
And, I am proud of her parents, her school, her camp and her role models,
(often peers!), who all played a hand in getting her there. And, then I
consider all the teens hanging in the lobby and I wonder, “What is the secret
to this ‘davener’? And, how can we bottle it so we can share it with all our
children?” What happened to the first grader eager to accompany his
parent to shul? Where has the excitement
of being that chazzanit in class gone? How
about the elation of getting that first siddur?
This
is a question that Jewish educators- teachers and parents- have been asking for
years. As we approach Yom Kippur, a day when we spend much of it in prayer, I
reconsider this age-old question.
As
Rabbi Hershel Billet aptly wrote in Jewish Action responding to
Rabbi Jay Goldmintz’s article “Why Aren’t Our Kids In Shul?” “ Rabbi
Goldmintz accurately describes the possible causes of our kids’ disinterest:
hormones, length of the service, lack of comprehension of the prayer book,
irrelevance of the service, poor parental role models, etc. In addition, most
teenagers do not confront the human condition with all of its ferocity and
helplessness as responsible adults must. Some teenagers have not yet developed
the sophistication to relate to prayer as a useful medium on a practical and
philosophical level. For this generation, if only one could pray on Facebook
or Twitter or send God an e-mail, things might be easier.”
Rather than bemoan how adolescence can be a difficult time for
children to latch on to prayer, let us focus on what can be done- as I have
seen many “prayerful” teenagers in my day- who love to daven and inspire the
adults around them. It is achievable. While I hope that most schools have begun
targeting this issue (as has Yavneh) with new tefillah opportunties, tefillah
workshops and even training for teachers, I would like to focus on the
homefront- what can we do as parents?
As
we know, adolescence is a time of significant developmental change. In Moshe
Dreilich’s article “Creating a Meaningful Tefillah Experience Through the Lens
of Adolescent Development” he notes that the study of Perriello and Scarlett
notes there are two types of prayer - young prayer, where the young child
wishes that God fulfill all his wishes, and then mature prayer of the
adolescent, which is no longer a demand of God, but a conversation with
God. Adolescence is often a turbulent
time, and teens can use prayer as an opportunity to seek out a closeness with
God to support them. Teens do yearn for a relationship with God.
In
order to develop a relationship with Hashem, we first have to recognize His
involvement in our lives. The
theme at Yavneh Academy this year is Vision- To See the Good- as we will be
entering the year 2020. Rabbi Lavi Greenspan addressed the middle school
students on Tzom Gedaliah to share his
life story as he lost his vision at the age of 26. Rabbi Greenspan shared that
while he cannot see, he has the ability to see Hashem in everything that
happens in his life. Each day he even sits and makes a list of what Hashem has
given him that day. (I have often mentioned to students the idea of
keeping a diary where they record how Hashem has helped them that day). Actively discussing how we can see God’s hand
in our own lives with our children is one way to have them see Him daily. Small things… like your missing the bus was
frustrating, but then because since you missed the bus, you were still in
Teaneck when you realized you left your important file at home that you needed
for the meeting, and then you were able to go home and get it. The Hand of
Hashem in your life!
Rabbi Goldmintz,
mentioned above, has spent much of his career focused on making tefillah
meaningful for students. In that Jewish Action article, he
stressed the importance of teens becoming shul-goers for life. Even if they are
not yet finding the connection to davening, we need to keep them “in the game”
and realize that while the connection to prayer may be a process, in “our
family, we go to shul.” He does stress the development of the
parent-child relationship which can be fostered in “shul-going.” He notes that the walking to shul together is
a perfect time for that quality time with our teens that we crave. Many adults
recall with fondness those walks to shul. “A former shul rabbi once told me,
‘When I talk to people in preparation for delivering their parents’ eulogies,
many mention that walking to shul with the parent was among the most meaningful
time spent together.’”
There is also the same
benefit in sharing the actual shul experience with our children. As with
most things in life children learn much from the adults around them. If they see us pray with a spiritual
connection to God, with warmth, passion and “heart” then we serve as positive
role models for them as to how to form that relationship with God through
tefillah. Rabbi Joshua Kahn, in his article “Teenagers and Tefillah: An
Approach To Tefillah Education In High School” shares the research on prayer
which indicates that “if children perceive their parents have a strong positive
religious connection they are more likely to develop their own connection to
tefillah.” My girls know that in shul when the congregation is singing or
saying things out loud, I always join in loudly as well. When they were
younger they may have been embarrassed. Now, as teens, they join in as well.
We can also be role
models for them by actively discussing with them our connection to
Tefillah. What prayer means something special to you? When did you turn
to prayer in a time of trouble? Why do you view prayer as an opportunity
instead of a burden? And, in order to do all of this, as Rabbi Ron
Yitzchak Eisenman also wrote in response to Rabbi Goldmintz’s article “Perhaps
instead of asking why kids do not come to shul, we should be asking ourselves,
‘Why are we coming to shul?’ Even if we are physically in shul,
are we emotionally in shul? How many of us can claim that we stay focused on
the davening? How many of us can claim that when we leave shul we feel
spiritually rejuvenated? How many of us
look forward to shul on Shabbat as the highlight of the week?” We,
as parental role models, need to work on our own connection to tefillah
as well. Tefillah is called “Avodah she’balev” - a service of the heart-
and we need to work on our own hearts’ connection. Last year, I went out and bought myself the
Metzudah machzorim, with linear translations. While I still keep the machzorim
my grandparents bought for me in shul and use them for various tefillot, my
children clearly saw that I was working on making my own tefillah more
meaningful.
Rabbi
Goldmintz, in his article “How To Be A Spiritual Role Model To Your
Children,” notes that to be a spiritual role model for your family it is
not enough to be involved in spiritual acts. You need to draw your
children’s attention to the fact that you are engaged in the act, by telling
them what you are doing in words. He also notes that these acts need to be done
over and over again in order for them to be impactful. And, then, of course,
the children themselves need to practice and engage in those spiritual acts as
well. And, Rabbi Goldmintz ends with one more important caveat “some
inherent system of reward that energizes a child and tells him or her that this
activity is worth doing.” It could simply be the self- satisfaction or the
praise that we shower on them. We most
definitely should praise our children for a beautiful davening.
This
year, as Yom Kippur comes to a close and we hear that shofar, before thinking
about the food preparation, we need to turn to our teens who sat with us in
shul and give them a huge hug and share how proud we were of their davening and
what an honor it was to sit next to them in shul.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students
reviewed tips on how to succeed in middle school from last year’s sixth graders
and identified areas they want to work on. Our Thursday’s group began
discussing real-life challenges faced by sixth graders (as they viewed these
scenarios acted out by teachers) and some practical solutions.
Seventh Grade: As our seventh graders get closer to their Frost Valley
Leadership Retreat, students began a unit on teamwork, communication and
compromise with beginning to focus on what is needed for good teamwork and
communication.
Eighth Grade: Students focused on the importance of grit and how to set SMART goals, as they set actual goals for the year and recorded them in the website futureme.org which will automatically send them their goals in June so they can see what they achieved.
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