"Godly" Parenting

“As a father has compassion on his sons so too should You have mercy on us.” כְּרַחֵם אָב עַל בָּנִים כֵּן תְּרַחֵם ה’ עָלֵֽינוּ- are words we find in the daily Selichot we just began saying last night.    As we get closer to Rosh Hashana and we attempt to achieve that forgiveness and fresh start we consider that Hashem is really our “father” and we are His children.   In many ways, our relationship with Hashem is similar to our relationship with our own children. If we tap into our parenting experiences we can perhaps understand our relationship with God better.  And, likewise, if we consider our relationship with God, perhaps it can help uncover a new perspective on our relationship with our own children. Through highlighting two aspects of our parenting experiences that can be gleaned from Hashem’s parenting style, may we also receive some inspiration for a meaningful Rosh Hashana and relationship with Him. 

Our Teens Still Need Us

“אֲנִ֤י לְדוֹדִי֙ וְדוֹדִ֣י לִ֔י”  “I am to my beloved as my beloved is to me.”  Since we are young children we are taught that the word אלול is an acronym for that פסוק in שיר השירים ו:ג. These words typify the love relationship between Hashem and Bnai Yisrael.  This pasuk is found elsewhere in שיר השירים in ב: טז but in the opposite order דּוֹדִ֥י לִי֙ וַֽאֲנִ֣י ל֔וֹ.  The Lubavitcher Rebbe pointed out that the difference between these two pesukim typifies two ways we relate to Hashem.  At times, it is Hashem who “initiates” the relationship and even if we are hesitant and disconnected He makes His presence in our lives known to us-  דּוֹדִ֥י לִי֙.   And, at other times, we take the initiative and reach out to Him even when He appears distant from us.

This relationship with Hashem typifies the relationship we, parents of teens, have with our children. At times, they want to distance themselves from us and do not seek a relationship with us. At times, (usually really late at night when we are half asleep), they want our attention.  Sometimes they want to take a walk with us Shabbos afternoon. Sometimes, they do not want to be seen with us in public.  Their friends become the center of their world, but they still need us.  They may be more argumentative and push us away, but still want us to test them for their exam the next day. 

When our children send us the message to leave them be and step away, some parents react by smothering them and overparenting.  Other parents do the opposite- they take a step back and out of overseeing their kids’ lives.  As parents,  we are at times tempted to give up and surrender.  While every word and even action of our teen may be saying they want to push us away, they long for us to hang on and be there for them no matter what. Giving them space to be independent does not mean leaving them.  They need our guidance and advice and we need to be available for whenever they are ready to reach out to us and initiate that connection.  This also means not punishing them for times they have rejected us by saying things like, “You didn’t want me to help you yesterday and were rude to me. No way am I helping you now!”  We are always there for them no matter what- always present, even if they may not need us as much as they used to.  Just as Hashem is always waiting for us, even if we at times reject Him, so too we as parents are always patiently waiting for our children. 

How?  We need to make it easy for them to come to us when they are ready.  Not being critical, being a listening ear and trying to influence them rather than control them are ways to be there for our teens.  While they might be out of control, we need to be the calming force.  Let them know that whatever they do you will always be there for them. No topic is off-limits if they want to speak to you.  Be ready whenever they are. As I alluded to above, that might be late at night, or on the way to the mall in the car. 

Giving Teens What They Need

It says in Devarim 8:5: 

וְיָֽדַעְתָּ֖ עִם־לְבָבֶ֑ךָ כִּ֗י כַּֽאֲשֶׁ֨ר יְיַסֵּ֥ר אִישׁ֙ אֶת־בְּנ֔וֹ ה' אֱלֹקיךָ מְיַסְּרֶֽךָּ:

You shall know in your heart, that just as a man chastises his son, so does the Lord, your God, chastise you.

Just like a parent, at times God does not give us something we want, because He loves us.  Like a parent, God cares more about our growth and what is good for us in the long-term than making us happy in the short- term.  In her article “God And Parents” Riva Pomerantz quotes a friend, “God doesn’t always give me what I want. But He always give ms what I need.”  As parents, we can think of the many times we do not give children what they want because we want what is best for them.  This concept hits home after hearing Janell Burley Hofman speak as she asserted that as we limit our children when it comes to technology we need to tell them that we are doing so because we love them.  Our children might want every social media app without limit- but it is not good for them. They may want a full bag of candy- but it is not good for them. 

            Pomerantz asserts, “While I have always connected with the idea of God being my Father, His essence has become so much more wondrous to me since I became a parent.  God created the parent-child paradigm to serve as a basis for His relationship with His children, and that is a tangible touchstone for me.   If I, as a parent, take care to give my children what they need- instead of what they want- surely I can accept that God, my Father, treats me in the same way. And when I cannot accept that God does what’s best for me, I am like the petulant child, throwing a tantrum after not getting her way.”

            She goes on to say that unlike a parent, who makes decisions based on parenting books read or gut, “God’s decisions are perfect, crafted in His infinite wisdom...It affords me the certainty that God is doing the absolute very best thing- not only for me but for everyone involved.”  God is unlimited by the barriers of space-time, intelligence and ability and takes all into account when making decisions. 

            Just as a child may not fully comprehend his parent’s decisions, we may not fully understand God’s choices for us.  We need to accept that God always makes the best decisions for us and meets our needs. He may not give us what we want.. But then again, we do not always know what we want.  “So the next time we feel like throwing a tantrum, we can look, instead, towards our loving Father, and try to accept that His Will is for our best.  God’s ‘parenting’ is never contaminated with the pride, self-interest, inexperience, or poor decision- making that human parents struggle with. His love and goodness forever guide us, as we navigate the intricate, wondrous tapestry of life.”  This realization can also give us more strength as parents to stay strong when our children tantrum for that which is not good for them. 

            During this Yamim Noraim season, as we turn to Hashem אבינו מלכנו may we receive the right balance of compassion from our Father that we need, and may we have the strength to parent our own children in His image. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students received success tips from last year’s sixth graders and considered what areas they want to focus on as they enter sixth grade. 

Seventh Grade:  Students considered how changing the world this year begins with focusing on self- change. The girls did a mini-lesson on how girls interact with each other and social exclusion.

Eighth Grade: Coming from last week’s corn maze trip students considered how the maze represents when we confront “dead-ends” in life and how we face life challenges.