Sunday, September 8, 2019

Parenting Digital Teens...The Next Steps

            “...we conducted a critical experiment; one which would ultimately provide us with greater insight into our social and behavioral state of health.  For seven weeks our beautiful scenic campus functioned as a laboratory...What if we eliminated screens altogether?... all screen devices were collected...And then we waited. And waited.  And waited.  Almost instantaneously, something remarkable occurred and continued throughout the weeks that followed. The participants in this grand experiment seemed to display a genuine sense of freedom. Rather than rebel, they seemed noticeably at ease, as they were suddenly released from the digital shackles that often hold us captive.”  

            These are not the words from a research study in a university or a segment from a scientific journal recording a grand social psychology experiment. These are the words of Rabbi Larry Rothwachs in his article “Surviving And Thriving Without Screens” as he reports the results of the new technology policy in Camp Morasha over the summer,  where he is the camp rabbi.   Rabbi Rothwachs describes how while they were worried about the “fallout” and reactions of the technology withdrawal and what the children would do to unwind at night, during a rainy day or even a fast day, they were ready to attempt the new policy.  And, then, as Rabbi Rothwachs notes, they interacted with each other, “in ways that, not all that long ago, were considered normal human behaviors. They sat around, at times for long periods at end, and looked up and forward, rather than down and away… But, most importantly, they looked at each other.  Not a passing glance here and there; they really looked at each other. They spoke with one another and interacted with nature and with the world around them, without the constant distraction of chirps, buzzes, beeps and the powerful allure of those glaring screens that so often hijack our attention.”

            Rabbi Rothwachs’ words truly made me think.  No wonder his workshop to our parents last year iParent: A Roadmap for Raising Children in the Digital Era was so well-received, and spurred on a desire among the parents to create unified shut-off times for their children. 
(As a reminder, here is a link to the text of the e-mail that came from the YPAA presidents regarding this important endeavor).

            As I reread Rabbi Rothwachs’ article after Shabbat last night, I considered that what those Morasha campers were experiencing was taking what has begun to be commonly known, even among non- Jews, a “tech Sabbath.”   I first came across this term when I saw a link to a video by Tiffany Shalin on Technology Shabbat.  She describes an entire movement to choose one day to disconnect from technology and reconnect with the people in our lives.  It is an opportunity to stop “phubbing,” or snubbing a person in favor of your phone.  G-d was the first initiator of a Shabbat where He stopped creating and rested.   G-d even paused at the end of each day to take the time to look around and say כי טוב- it was good.   So too when we take a Tech Shabbat we mimic G-d and stop to enjoy and appreciate all that we have created throughout the hectic week. It provides us with the opportunity to rejuvenate, recharge and rewire our frazzled brains.  We, religious Jews, are lucky enough to have this day built into our halachic system.  But, perhaps our teens need extended Tech Sabbaths, which Morasha did for their campers. 

            A recent Common Sense Media (a wonderful resource for parents!) survey reported that teenagers say they prefer texting to talking to friends in person. About 89% of teens have a smartphone, versus only 41 %  in 2012.  50% of teens say they are addicted to their phones.  78%  feel the need to immediately respond to texts and other communications. The majority of those surveyed said that their technology wakes them at night and distracts them from homework.  This information is not at all surprising. 

            Those of us who parent middle schoolers know about this constant “obsession” or even “addiction” when it comes to our children’s devices.  Parenting in this digital age has often been a topic of my weekly blog (just last year, three times -feel free to go back and read  December 9- Parents Unite! Don’t Miss Our December 11th Workshop...Really!, December 30- FOMO, Posting, and Teen Loneliness, January 6- Cellphone Addiction and Teens).   We, as parents and Yavneh faculty, are constantly rethinking and reconsidering how to support and strengthen our children in this area.  I often share the story of the family who with relief shared that their son’s cellphone fell into a lake while hiking. Instead of being upset about the wasted money, they were relieved that there would no longer be any temptations for him and battles between them during homework time. (And, yes, there were no immediate plans for the parents to replace that phone).  In meeting after meeting with parents of struggling students, it comes to light that the phone is a constant distraction. And, research does indicate that cellphones impact on the child’s ability to learn even if they are not using their devices, but they are just sitting next to them. 

 As Chris Anderson, in his article “A Dark Consensus About Screens and Kids Begins to Emerge in Silicon Valley” writes that it is getting to the point where it is almost beyond the ability of parents to control as it is “going straight to the pleasure centers of the developing brain.”  Of course, there is the emotional impact of device usages on the middle schooler, as I quoted research last year in one of my blogs, that eighth-graders who spend 10 or more hours a week on social media are 56 percent more likely to say they’re unhappy than those who devote less time to social media.

Again, all of this is not new information. What is new that we are ready to do something about it. Last year, as you recall, our Parent Digital Safety committee developed suggested guidelines for device usage at home to add strength to this effort with the development of community norms and standards. Click here for guidelines
More importantly, just this past week, we all received the joint statement on device usage from the Bergen county elementary school heads of school. As parents we are grateful to these administrators for boldly uniting and creating this statement. It is clear that we are all struggling with the same issues and need to support each other. Thank you!! 

            Now,  that we have these guidelines from the parent committee and the heads of school...something is still holding us back. What more can we do?   That is the purpose of this coming Wednesday Septemeber 11th’s parent workshop by Janell Burley Hofman at 8:00 pm, for all parents of children grades prek-8.  Ms. Hofman’s reputation precedes her and we have heard from other schools how her presentations are truly life-changing. We had the chance to meet with her to outline our expectations and her recommendations for the presentation. We were already wowed and we know you will be too. But, most importantly, Ms. Hofman has a good handle on what teens are thinking and what works for them.  Her presentation is realistic and keeps the feelings, needs and developmental stage of our middle schoolers in mind.

            Here is a glimpse of what she can teach us about our middle schoolers from her article “The 15 Most Popular Tech Truths From My Conversations With Middle School Students.” This is just a taste of how Ms. Hofman just “gets it.”  Please do make every effort to attend the workshop, and please fill out the short questionnaire in the RSVP e-mail so your needs and issues can be addressed that evening. Looking forward to seeing you there! 

            The 15 Most Popular Tech Truths From My Conversations with Middle School Students
Janell Burley Hofmann, May 13, 2015 journal

Have you ever wondered what middle schoolers have to say about technology? Have you wanted access to their thoughts and feelings and beliefs around the device culture? Do you want to talk to your middle schooler about technology, but aren’t sure where to begin? Well, I’ve been taking notes just for you!  After a full year of travel all over the world talking to kids, tweens, teens, parents, teachers, policy makers, techies, and organizations, I have learned so much. As I begin to break down all of my interactions and process everything I have been taught, I feel the urge to share some of the voices I have gathered along the way. Of course, we talked about so much more, but these are the topics that have come up in my conversations with middle schoolers the most. 

  1. I follow people I don’t know online and they follow me too – even though my accounts are private – I accept them. I don’t know if that’s ok.

2.             I feel like I always have to respond to my friends immediately or they’ll get mad at me.

3.             My phone was broken (taken away, lost) and at first it was hard not to have it, but then it got easy and it felt really good not to be attached to it.

4.             On my social networks or on my YouTube Channel, I often get negative comments, swears and sometimes threat. I don’t know if they are people joking or just being mean, but I still want as many followers as possible.

5.             I see and hear kids younger than me doing way worse stuff online, so I feel like what I do isn’t so bad when I see those kids.

6.             My parents overshare pictures and stories about me online and it makes me uncomfortable.

7.             My classmate secretly takes pictures/videos during class and the teacher doesn’t know, but I want it to stop.

8.             Sometimes it’s hard to concentrate because all I want to do is game.

9.             My parents are addicted to their phones.

10.          I’m always trying to help my friends solve their problems, but I end up getting too involved in all of the drama online.

11.          I’m afraid if I don’t have my phone/device/account, that I’m going to miss something or not know what’s happening with my friends.

12.          It’s hard to know what’s real online. Sometimes I think I’m following one thing and then a bunch of inappropriate pictures or comments show up.

13.          I have seen something online I wished I didn’t see.

14.          My parents aren’t that easy to talk to and so it’s hard to go to them with a problem. I’d rather figure it out myself or with my friends.

15.          I like to be creative online and I wish that didn’t count as screen time.
____________________________________________________________

Advisory Update: 

Sixth Grade: Students learned about the goals of Advisory and got to know each other through a puzzle making activity.  (Please note:  Half of our students did not yet have Advisory and will be having it on Tuesday for the first time). 

Seventh Grade: Students were introduced to the theme of the 7th grade Advisory curriculum “Prepare Yourself To Change The World” through focusing on the fact that kids can in fact make a difference and the importance of self- change and working on self- improvement. (Please note: Only the girls have had Advisory. The boys will have their first session this coming Monday)

Eighth Grade:  Students began with real-life interviews of Yavneh graduates discussing what the 8th grade year is like.  These interviews launched the topics of the first half of their Advisory year. Students also played a getting to know you game to learn more about their fellow advisees and Advisor- Mrs. Rubin.


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