Nice Guys Finish First

            We are gearing up for our first Chesed Team event of the year and the first year of the Bergen County Chesed League!  As you received the e-mails this past week, you might have wondered, what does the job of director of guidance have to do with Chesed?  Why am I coordinating this effort?  Aside from the fact that it is a wonderful way to connect with the students, my goal is to partner with you in raising resilient and happy children. Contributing to the world with chesed is the way to make that happen! Sounds counterintuitive. You would think that the more we give to our children the happier they will be. Well, research indicates just the opposite.  The more they give the happier they will be.  We do not make our children happier by making them receivers of kindness. They become happier by making them givers of kindness. As Dr. Christine Carter, professor at UC Berkley,  notes, "Adolescents who identify their primary motive as helping others are three times happier than those who lack such altruistic motivation. Similarly, teens who are giving are also happier and more active, involved, excited, and engaged than their less engaged counterparts."  A study at the University of British Columbia took children ages 9-11 and had half of them record three acts of kindness each week that they performed.  The other group kept track of three pleasant places they visited during the week.  When children performed acts of kindness their happiness increased more. 

            Evolution indicates “survival of the fittest”- the stronger overtakes the weak.  However, this clearly does not apply to humans. Nice guys do not finish last, as David Brooks indicates in his New York Times commentary “Nice Guys Finish First.”  Even from a selfish perspective, it is in our best interest to give to and be kind to others, so that others will want to work with us.  I can share story upon story of children with whom no one wants to work in class because they appear unkind and selfish.  But, it is not only a conscious decision to be kind so as to gain that reputation, but we are genetically predisposed to kindness. Children at the young age of 12 months already try to be helpful when someone else is struggling.  

            There are a number of benefits to performing chesed, which demonstrate that nice guys do in fact finish first: 

            Acts of kindness boost self-esteem.   We know that teenagers often struggle with low self-esteem. These teenage years are therefore prime time for engaging in acts of chesed. Dr. Joe Austerman in the article “Research shows Acts of Kindness can Boost Self-Esteem in Adolescents” notes  “Having them engage with people actually builds a sense of self-competency.  They do better academically, they tend to develop a better peer support system and it feeds forward as an adult. They tend to accomplish more as adults when they’re doing prosocial behaviors as kids.”  Interestingly enough, engaging in kind acts increases popularity and peer acceptance, which lead to higher feelings of self-esteem and inclusion.  And, when teens are happier and feel more well-liked, they exhibit less bullying behaviors towards others.  These teens who volunteer are more socially competent. 

            Helping others feels good. Dacher Keltner in “Born To Be Good”  describes that when we help another activity is triggered in the caudate nucleus and anterior cingulate cortex regions of the brain, the parts involved in pleasure and reward. Helping others biologically creates pleasure. 

There has also been seen to be a reduction in anxiety and depression in those who perform kind acts. "Since depression, anxiety and stress involve a high degree of focus on the self, focussing on the needs of others literally helps shift our thinking. Having a positive effect on someone else can increase our self-esteem and give our life a greater sense of purpose,” states Dr. Sonja Lybomirsky of University of California.   Teens who engage in chesed have lower suicide risks. In the article “Can Random Acts of Kindness Increase Well-Being” Erika Stoerkel lists many physiological and emotional benefits to engaging in kindness.  When doing chesed there is an increase in oxytocin- one of the “happy hormones” which contribute to feelings of happiness.  It has been found to help lower blood pressure, improve overall heart health, increase self-esteem and optimism.  When engaged in kindness your brain produces more serotonin, which is commonly known as the “feel-good” chemical that provides healing and calming feelings. This release contributes to heightened self-worth, positivity and even more energy.   This is commonly called the “Helper’s High.” 

 Endorphins are also produced which decreases pain. Additionally, when involved in chesed research shows that people have 23% less cortisol (stress hormone). A study in the University of British Columbia showed that when anxious subjects performed at least six acts of kindness a week there was a significant increase in their positive mood and decrease in their anxiety.  As noted above, one’s blood pressure can even be lowered from acts of kindness, as oxytocin releases a chemical called nitric oxide, which dilates the blood vessels, reducing blood pressure.  Acts of kindness towards others improves the immune system as well. 

Engaging in chesed is linked to academic success.  Teens who volunteer for chesed are less likely to fail a subject in school and abuse substances.  These students also tend to be more engaged in class.  Due to the emotional benefits mentioned above, because they are less worried they can concentrate more on their studies.  Studies indicate children are also more creative as they engage in kind acts.   They look forward to coming to school and have higher rates of attendance. 

We, as parents, are struggling with the narcissism of the “selfie generation.” And, it is not all in our minds. Studies do indicate that today’s teens are more narcissistic than previous generations. Jean Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University does note that teens today score higher on the measure the Narcissism Personality Inventory measuring  “vanity, superiority and self-sufficiency.” When doing chesed teens develop more empathy and learn to see the world through the eyes of others, and therefore are less likely to think “it is all about me.”  Doing acts of kindness increases a sense of gratitude- they appreciate all they have that others do not. 

            The Gemara in Sukkah 49b states

יכול אף ירא שמים כן ת"ל (תהלים קג, יז) וחסד ה' מעולם ועד עולם על יראיו

One might have thought that even a God-fearing individual does not always encounter the opportunity to perform acts of kindness. Therefore, the verse states: “But the kindness of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear Him” (Psalms 103:17).

Rabbi Binyamin Zimmerman in his article,  “Bein Adam Le-chavero: Ethics of Interpersonal Conduct” notes that the Gemara links chesed with יראה- fear/awe of G-d. What do kindness and fear have to do with each other?   

Rav Shlomo Wolbe (Alei Shor I, page 91) explains that after deeper analysis it becomes clear that there is a shared foundation that lies at the root of these two attributes, chesed and yira.  They both center on the following question:  Where does a person focus his eyes?  What does one notice?  They challenge a person to decide whether he or she is aware that he or she is not the only one in this world and act accordingly.  As he writes:

There is one root in the soul to both of these attributes.  There are those who see beyond themselves, and there are others who do not see anything beyond themselves.  The one who sees only himself is only able to feel that which he is lacking, and therefore he lives only for his own benefit.  One who doesn’t notice others is incapable of seeing a person in need, nor will he take note of his Creator.

There lies the similarity. One who is self-absorbed and only focuses on oneself cannot do chesed. Likewise, such a person is incapable of recognizing G-d.  Both chesed and יראה are “attributes that may only be embraced by those who see beyond themselves.”  It is easy to attend a chesed event and spend some time in a nursing home.  What true chesed is is having the ability to truly put oneself in the shoes of the other.  This is the chesed we referred to earlier- which combats the narcissism of today’s society. And, while we approach Rosh Hashana, it is meaningful to consider that we and our children too can only recognize G-d if we can see beyond ourselves. 

  

            And, so chesed leads to self-esteem, happiness, academic success, popularity, inclusion, empathy, physical health and even leads us on the path to recognizing G-d.  No wonder we formed a chesed team!  All these benefits...nice guys do finish first in all of the areas that are important. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students continued their puzzle making getting to know you activity.

Seventh Grade:  Students learned about Austin Gutwein’s efforts to change the world and how they can too. 

Eighth Grade:  Students uncovered their learning styles and how they can serve as guidance for them in setting up their study habits.