Genuine Parenting

            In parshiot of these weeks, we learn of Avraham- the father of all nations.  But, the midrash tells us the story of the relationship he had with his own father. Avraham breaks his fathers idols with a hammer and puts the hammer in the hand of the biggest idol.  When his father came in and asked who did this, Avraham responds, “Can’t you see? The hammer is in the hands of the largest idol. It must have been him.” Terach replies, “But an idol is mere of wood and stone.” Avraham replies, “Then, father, how can you worship them?”  Avraham immediately detected the illogical and even “fake” beliefs of his father. How can he follow the path of his father when he was so inconsistent? 

             While parents are the ultimate teachers, a similar genuineness is essential in a classroom teacher.  Rabbi Yaakov Neuburger shared in shul this past Shabbos that Hagar was in essence Sarah’s student and she lost all respect for Sarah as she saw her, mistakenly, as not genuine.  This is the kiss of death for a teacher- student relationship. 

Anyone who has ever worked with pre-teens or teens know that they smell a fake a mile away.  It is essential to be genuine.  The moment our behavior expresses, “Do as I say and not as I do” we have lost them.  The Gemara in Berachot 28a discusses the importance of being “tocho k’baro”-  one’s outside should be like his inside-  that what a person projects on the outside (the way he acts and seems) should be just like he feels and believes on the inside.  In fact, the Gemara continues, when Rabban Gamliel was the head of the Sanhedrin he proclaimed that any students whose inside was not like his outside could not enter the Beit Midrash to study.  

In a world where we are constantly seeing the term “fake news” - it is clear that being fake is all the rage, but not the way to gain respect. 

            Yes, as parents and teachers we need to be “tocho k’baro,”  but nowhere does it say we need to be perfect inside and out,  just that we need to be the same without pretending.  If we are imperfect inside, then we need to work on ourselves to improve and make it clear to our children that we are working on ourselves. It is good for them to see that their role models make mistakes and realize they are not perfect.   Just like them, we are working on ourselves.  

            As teens, our children are constantly struggling to not be themselves.  They are yearning to be like everyone else.  As the Kotzker Rebbe famously said, “ “If I am I because I am I, and you are you because you are you, then I am I and you are you. But if I am I because you are you and you are you because I am I, then I am not I and you are not you!”   

            Rabbi Ari Hart aptly describes this teenage struggle  in his article “Authenticity in A Fake World”

And yet, I remember being 12 years old, struggling to navigate the typical middle school minefields: friends, fitting in, bullies. I came home to my Mom one day in tears with these problems, who proceeded to give me what I thought at the time was the single worst piece advice I’d ever received: “Just be yourself” Be myself? My self is the problem! I don’t say the right things, I don’t dress the right way, I get hurt when I want to be strong. If I could be someone else, that would solve all these problems!

Being ourselves is hard! Why? We want to be liked. We want affection. We need love. And we learn, from a pretty early age, we learn that certain ways of being in the world can get us that love and care, and other ways won’t. So we shift from being ourselves to being what we think others want us to be.

            University of Georgia professor, Michael Kernis, did a 2000 study on authenticity. He found that people who score high on authenticity ratings are more likely to have effective coping strategies, less self-destructive habits, and more satisfying relationships.  They also have greater self-worth, purpose, confidence, and belief in themselves that they can pursue and achieve goals. 

          Often teens do have a hard time being themselves because they do not see themselves as special. Our job as parents is to help them find that self-worth. This is especially important with children who struggle in school, as we do not want them to feel that school is the only place they can shine.  We encourage them to explore and support their passions while being careful not to introduce our own biases or opinions about their interests. We thereby don’t push our agendas on them. This includes recognizing when we have children who are introverts even though we would like them to be more involved socially. As parents, we often have to consider whether our anxiety about their social life only our anxiety and he/she is perfectly content?  

 Most importantly, we remind them that each one of us was created in the image of G-d with a piece of G-d within us- a neshama.  How much more special can we be? 

            The greatest lesson we can model for our children- as we portray it in the way we live our lives- is as Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Student continued to brainstorm solutions to real-life sixth grade challenges and 7th grade mentors joined them for an advice session. 

Seventh Grade: Our boys are doing a unit on Foul Language, when our girls targeted assertive communication this week.

Eighth Grade: Students did a unit on test-taking skills and got overviews of the 8th grade entrance exams they were taking.