Parents cannot ignore the daily sexual harassment updates in the news. We cannot hear the revelations each day without wondering and worrying.
Recently, Mrs. Aviva Najman, had sent me an e-mail sharing that she had seen a documentary called "The Mask You Live In,” which discusses the development of boys in American culture today. This video spoke much about how we are not doing enough for our boys to help them grow into well-adjusted, resilient adults. In addition, it spoke about the culture of harassment that is fairly common in today’s American society.
What is it about boys in today’s society, and consequently, what can we as parents do?
In the video, it speaks of the stereotypical expectations placed upon boys today. They are told to “Man up. Don’t cry. Be aggressive. Be angry, but not sad.” These messages lead to men who cannot express how they are feeling. They are more prone to not have relationships or friends where they can truly share their innermost worries, pain and emotions. These boys lack empathy. This “mask” leads to internalizing pain and to more acting out and depression.
Boys at the ages of 15-19 have 5 times the rate of suicide than girls in that age range. This is the time period when you are a “mama’s boy” if you show emotion. This is just when they face the most intense pressure to hide, as they are told that “when they are in the most in pain they can’t reach out because then they will not be a real boy... They live in an emotional mask that prevents them from expressing true feelings.” We, as parents, socialize our boys in this manner without even realizing. We need to ask our boys how they feel more often, and say, “It is okay to cry.”
In my family, we used to laugh that my father, a”h, was a big crier. No matter what event, he was the first one to shed the tears. The older I get, the more I appreciate the importance of that quality. I hope I am raising my boys to cry when needed.
There are three myths that go along with this mask in society today. The first is that boys must be athletic. This discourages boys who have other interests, like art, music or academics, from pursuing them. Boys feel this tremendous pressure to prove themselves athletically. All of us who have had a young boy know that intense pressure.
The second myth is that having money is manly. When boys in America today are asked what they want to be when they grow up they say, “Rich.”
And, then there is the third myth that leads to what we are seeing in the news today. “Sexual conquest is associated with masculinity.” This begins in preschool, as Dr. Judy Chu notes in the video. Even then, the boys created a “be mean to girls club.” If we are raising boys that they cannot have intimate friendships and relationships with empathy then they begin to think that intimacy has to be sexual. The male role models in the media are the superheros- aggressive, violent and “perpetual adolescents” who degrade women. The hip hop culture reinforces these three myths- including aggression against women. Violent video games perpetuate this aggressive, less empathic culture. This does not even include how the internet has opened up an explicit world of pornography where women are objectified and brutality is used against women. Society is a place where “men are always supposed to be on the prowl.” There is the “great set-up…We raise them to reject the feminine side (i.e. emotions), and then we wonder why they disrespect women.”
(As you know, we recently hosted the Bostoner Rebbe here in our school. When he enters the room, one sees a man in Chasidic garb, and one might wonder what can our Modern Orthodox children relate to in this man? As our children respectfully listened to his words of encouragement and “chizuk” I realized that they were being introduced to what a true role model is as we were sending this message to the children that this is the type of person worthy of admiration).
Then the culture perpetuates the notion that you never “rat out” a brother. There is a code of silence that exists no matter what wrong he is doing. I cannot betray him or I will be marginalized. No wonder so much harassment is condoned.
We need to be raising our boys by expanding what it means to be a man.
In our Advisory curriculum, for years we have been doing lessons with both the seventh grade girls and boys lessons on sexual harassment. I actually read the New Jersey state law against sexual harassment so they see exactly what is included- a joke that makes you uncomfortable, a cartoon hanging on a wall, or a text. How do girls want to be treated? What does it mean to be treated like an “object”? What is the difference between flirting and hurting- when does it cross the line? Why don’t victims tend to come forward? What if the perpetrator is a person of power- a teacher, a coach, a division head? How does halacha and the Jewish view of relationships protect us from harassment? We also do a lesson with them on “Sntiching,” and why we are often hesitant to stop injustice from happening when a friend is involved. We also do a lesson with our students on “who is a hero”- who is that we look up to? Are celebrities role models? What if they do something against my values, do I still admire them? We thereby highlight the difference between celebrities and role models.
This year, in response to what is happening in the news, we did a lesson with our 8th grade discussing current events, (in a developmentally appropriate manner), and how events like this can even happen to teens. We spoke again about the importance of teens reaching out to their parents when they are worried.
One topic we discussed was the harassment that happens on-line. Teens are very hesitant to share this information, as they worry that their parents will see all the rest of their communications, and take away their devices. (Which brings us again to the issue of their technology use. PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO RSVP AND TO JOIN US AT TOMORROW EVENING’S WORKSHOP AT 8:00 PM ON “YOUR CHILD IN A DIGITAL WORLD”!)
It says in Masechet Avot 2:6:
וּבְמָקוֹם שֶׁאֵין אֲנָשִׁים, הִשְׁתַּדֵּל לִהְיוֹת אִישׁ:
In a place where there is no man, strive to be a man.
When I hear the expression “be a man” I think of this mishna. I also think of Shemot 2:12 when Moshe grew up and went to see his enslaved brothers and,
יבוַיִּ֤פֶן כֹּה֙ וָכֹ֔ה וַיַּ֖רְא כִּ֣י אֵ֣ין אִ֑ישׁ וַיַּךְ֙ אֶת־הַמִּצְרִ֔י וַיִּטְמְנֵ֖הוּ בַּחֽוֹל:
12He turned this way and that way, and he saw that there was no man; so he struck the Egyptian and hid him in the sand.
Moshe was a real man. When he saw there was no man, i.e. no one around to do the right thing, he had to be the man. And, one can see the empathy here- as it says in the pasuk before וַיַּ֖רְא בְּסִבְלֹתָ֑ם “He looked at their burdens” - as Rashi says
וירא בסבלתם: נתן עיניו ולבו להיות מיצר עליהם
And looked at their burdens: He directed his eyes and his heart to be distressed over them.
That was true empathy- the ability to feel their pain. That is true manhood. As we discuss current events with our children, and remind them about how to stay safe, I hope we also remind our boys about what it means to be a man.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Sixth graders begin on unit on Manners and Etiquette and discussed some basic rules of polite behavior they may not have realized exist.
Seventh Grade: Tackled the topic of the need of the homeless and realizing that we all face tough times, as part of their empathy unit.
Eighth Grade: Eighth graders began to uncover what their interests are and what makes them unique. They thought about how that relates to how they present themselves to their future high schools.
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