Responsive Parenting

Recently, I attended a conference called “The Responsive Classroom.”  To quote from their p.r. material, “It is a way of teaching that creates a safe, challenging and joyful classroom and schoolwide climate for all children. Teachers who use the Responsive Classroom approach understand that all of children’s needs- academic, social, emotional and physical- are important.  The teacher creates an environment that responds to all of those needs so that your child can do his or her best learning.”   

            Whenever I attend a conference for “work” I always have my parent hat on as well. (And, am always looking for material for my next column!)  What could I learn from the Responsive Classroom to help me create a Responsive Family?  

The application of  the term “responsive” to parenting is not new.  The World Health Organization published a report in 2006 that “While children need food, sanitation and access to health services to survive and develop optimally, a warm and affectionate relationship with an adult caregiver who is responsive to the child's needs is equally important.” Research indicated that responsive parenting is associated with social competence, fewer behavioral problems, increased intelligence and cognitive growth, higher school achievement, higher self-esteem and fewer emotional problems.  

            What is responsive parenting, according to this research?  Responsive parents “Observe their children, notice and interpret their cues, and take prompt action.  They respond to their child with love, consistency, empathy, kindness and humanity.  They question and seek to understand their own responses to their children and the familial and cultural background that informs them.  Responsive parents help their children to learn more about their responses to their own emotions, and to other people.  These parents acknowledge that all children are individual unique human beings who need to be responded to in individual unique ways.”

            Much of what was found in this research was elaborated in the Responsive Classroom program. Here are some basic ideas found in Responsive Classrooms that I think all parents can apply to their home situations:  

1. POSITIVE COMMUNITY:

a.             There is a positive sense of belonging and significance.  As noted in Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs- After basic physiological and security needs are met human behavior is then motivated by seeking a  sense of belonging.

b.            Common practices and traditions. In the classroom these would be daily activities. In my home, I like to think they are things like how we say Shema before we go to sleep, or our weekly Havdalah songs we sing.

c.             Sense of safety- We want our children to know that mistake making is good. We thereby support a growth mindset. As teachers do in the classroom, if we encourage our children to get involved with with low-risk situations, we can then highlight some mistakes and brainstorm together what can be done differently.

d.            Joy and engagement.  Being together should be joyful. However, there needs to be a  sense of purpose in what we are doing in addition to simply enjoying.

2.  ENGAGING ACADEMICS:

a.            Active and Interactive.  Students should be doing more talking than being taught.  Children should be engaged in more doing than listening.

b.            Use energizers to encourage more activity.  These are activities that might seem silly to the students, but shake things up and get them energized in the middle of class. Sometimes we need to take a break during the daily grind at home as well to re-energize.

c.             Appropriately challenging and purposeful. As parents, we can demand from each of our children different expectations based on their skill level.

d.            Connect with student interests and their strengths.  As parents, we too can connect with each child in our family differently.

e.            Allow students some autonomy and control.  When responsive teachers give students simple choices their motivation increases.  So, too we can as parents. “Would you like to wash the dishes or take out the garbage?”  

3.  EFFECTIVELY MANAGED CLASSROOM

a.            Laying foundation for positive behavior- In a responsive classroom teachers ask the students what their hopes and dreams are for the school year. From there they create rules with the students. The teachers model what the rules look like. Rules are stated positively.  As parents we can do the same.  We sit with our children and create the rules together- incorporating their input as well.  Rules are always stated in the positive, “We put away the dishes”  rather than “Don’t leave a dirty dish on the table.”

b.            Prevention-  We work harder on reinforcing  positive behavior rather than constantly reprimanding. We use reminding language - remind them proactively beforehand of a rule.  For example, “We are about to go to the bowling alley. Let’s remember what we said about buying snacks.”  We use redirecting language.  When we want to redirect them after broken a rule, we ask them to stop, go back and do it again.

c.              Responding to misbehavior- We can respond by  loss of privilege. For example, “If you can’t put your phone down when I ask you, you lose phone privilege for the evening.”  Reparations- you break it you fix it- is another technique.  For example, “If you made the mess in the basement, you clean it up.”  Positive time out- Even with teens (although we don’t call it time out) it is  time to regain control.

d.             Solving chronic problems- Chronic behavior infractions are dealt with by creating a contract with a child in a problem solving conference one on one with the child.  If the issue is class-wide and the teacher would have have a class meeting. The same would stand for a family.

4. DISCIPLINE-

The responsive classroom encourages teachers to consider, “What do you think, feel or imagine when you hear this word?” Most of us have fearful or negative feelings when it comes to discipline.  

a.            Discipline should rather relay faith in their abilities and give them the chance to try again. Avoid sarcasm.

b.            Rather than saying, “Can you sit down?” say simply, “Sit down.” Focus on the action you need.  Keep it brief.

c.             Be mindful of different developmental levels in classroom, and in your family- some need more time.

d.             We model positive behavior for our children.

Often, as parents we are so overextended and harried that we are “reactive” rather than “responsive.”  When we react  we are at a disadvantage as we react from the gut and our emotions take control.  The most primitive part of our brains is activated.  When we respond we take the time to be thoughtful and more logical.  We consider what we heard or saw and evaluate the best action to take.  We suspend judgment and preconceived notions.

 In essence, every one of us is a classroom teacher each day in our homes.  In Devarim 6:7 we are commanded, “ושננתם לבניך”  “And you shall teach it to your children.”  We are our children’s first and primary teachers.  We, however, do not always have the ability to attend a full day workshop to sharpen our skills as teachers to run “Responsive Families.”

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade-  Sixth graders experienced a mock Bar/Bat Mitzvah to finish off their lessons on Bar/Bat Mitzvah etiquette.

Seventh Grade-  Seventh graders visited the Hackensack Homeless shelter as a culmination of their unit Operation Respect on empathy. They spent the past session seeing how they can apply what they learned to how they treat others in their own lives.

Eighth Grade-  “Why do good?” was a question the students explored with the help of Mr. Dennis Prager video of the same title. After just finishing their list of extra-curricular activities and volunteer experiences for high school, they stopped to consider, what would the world be like without goodness?