Digital Parenting- Who Is Responsible?

  “It’s called de-individuation. When people are anonymous, they do things they wouldn’t normally do. The Internet is essentially a giant de-individuator.”  These are the words I quoted in my last week's column by Dr. Judy Van Raalte, a sports psychologist. She highlighted the difference social media has made in sports, and most particularly in the case of Rebecca Marino, a professional tennis player who quit due to being harassed on social media.

I want to focus on that component of "de-individuation," as how many times have we, as adults, said, "I'd rather text/e-mail than call"- as it is often easier to say things on-line than in person. When it comes to cyberbullying, we see this de-individuation taken to the extreme.

We all know the case of Rebecca Ann Sedwick who committed suicide this past September after being taunted through texting and photosharing cellphone applications. The "bullies" were charged with a felony, despite being only 15.

We as parents need to carefully monitor the technology use of our children- whether to protect them from being victimized or from writing something inappropriate to others. We do know that Rebecca's mother claimed to be keeeping careful tabs on her, as she shut down her Facebook page and took her cellphone away, gave her new phone number, and continued to oversee her "digital footprint." Without her mother knowing, Rebecca signed on for new applications- ask.fm, Kik and Voxer. (I don't know about you, but I have no idea what those are without googling them. But, there are most definitely rules that need to be established with our teens if they have those apps). There was clear evidence on her phone that she was in danger. Her mother would have seen others communicating with her, "Why are you still alive? You are ugly." And, Rebecca posting, "How many Advil do you have to take to die?" As parents, we are having a hard time keeping up with the digital lives of our children. Things are changing daily.

The local media has been enaged in a discussion around the controversial bringing of felony charges against the bullies who drove Rebecca to her death. Emily Bazelon in slate.com maintains that charging these girls with a felony is not the answer, "...why aren't we holding the adults around them- their parents- responsible?" Mark O'Mara on CNN.com agrees. "If a teen kills someone while recklessly using the family car, the parents can be legally responsible. Why should using a computer or cellphone provided by the parent be any different? In the Internet era, parents should no longer be allowed to plead ignorance; they need to understand that the technology they give to their children can be used to break the law and inflict harm...Before we lose another child laws should be passed to hold parents responsible if their kids use online tools as weapons."

Believe it or not, there are laws in many states that enforce potential repercussions for parents when their children commit crimes. A study in 2005 investigated whether the public supports parental punishment. 69% of those polled "thought parents of delinquent teens were at least partially responsible." California made it a crime for parents to "fail to exercise reasonable care, supervision, protection and control" over their children. "At least 36 states hold parents responsible to some extent when their children break the law." Colorado, Florida, Louisiana, Missouri and Texas require community service for parents of criminals. Other states go as far as parental incarceration. The Child Access Prevention laws, (found in about 1/4 of states), penalize adults with a either a prison sentence or a fine when firearms fall into the hands of children who are underage. Local governments, like Cincinnati, require "guardians of unsupervised minors to take a parenting class, perform community service and/or pay a fine."

Are we responsible for the misbehaviors of our children? The Midrash in Bereishit Rabba 63:10 states, "For thirteen years, a person must manage his son; from here on, he must say, 'Blessed is He who released me from punishment of this one.'" This is the source for the beracha that is customary to say when a son reaches Bar Mitzvah. What is the meaning of this beracha? Before bar mitzvah, since the father is responsible for his upbringing, he receives punishments for his son's deeds. After bar mitzvah, the son is then obligated to strengthen himself in Torah and Mitzvot, according to the Mishna Berurah, and therefore the father is no longer held culpable for his deeds. But, the Mishna Berurah does add, "Know, that although he is no longer responsible for his upbringing/education (chinuch), the father remains obligated to chastise his son whenever necessary, and if he fails to do this, he is held responsible." So, clearly, according to halacha, there is a concept of being responsible and even punishable for the sins of ones children. Does that change at bar mitzvah age? The Mishna Berurah indicates that one is still responsible. And, for those of us who breathed a sigh of relief when the beracha was recited, realize that new guidelines by British psychologists define the age of 25 as the new end of adolescence! So, clearly today's bnei mitzvah are not ready.

Rabbi Chaim Jachter highlighted the Gemara in Masechet Sukkah 56b, which quotes the following Baraita: "The rabbis taught, it once happened with Miriam bat Bilgah that she abandoned her religion and went to marry a Greek officer. When the Greeks entered the Beit HaMikdash, she kicked her sandal against the alter and said, 'Wolf, wolf, for how long will you deplete Jewish money and not stand by them in poverty.'"

Who was this Miriam bat Bilgah? She was from a famous family of Kohanim. When the Beit HaMikdash returned to its service, the family of Bilgah was penalized for Miriam's act of disrespect to the Mikdash and the altar. "Normally, each Kohein family served in the Holy Temple for a week (once every 24 weeks). At the end of the week, the incoming and outgoing families would divide the Lechem HaPanim (showbread; see VaYikra 24:5-9) between themselves. Usually the incoming family would divide it in the north of the Temple courtyard, while the outgoing family would do so in the south. The Bilgah family always had to divide their share of the Lechem HaPanim on the southern side. Additionally, each family had its own ring affixed to the floor, in which the head of the animal was enclosed to hold it down during slaughter. Each family also had their own niche to store knives. The Bilgah family’s ring and niche were permanently closed, forcing them to borrow these needed items from the other priestly families; because of this, they suffered great embarrassment."

Although there were other explanations as to why this family suffered, it does seem to indicate that the whole family suffered due to the behavior of Miriam. Why? Abaye responds, "a child's words are invariably opinions repeated from what he or she heard at home."

It seems to be an overwhelming (and perhaps unfair), responsibility for parents. How can we guarantee that our children will do the right thing?

We cannot guarantee. But, we can try our best. The famous case of the ben sorer u'moreh- the "wayward son" lists numerous requirements for a son to be guilty and to be called this horrific title. One of these requirements is that the parents must be able to clearly "see" their son and point with their fingers saying the words "beneinu zeh." Rabbi Leff says that parents need to be able to truly see their child and point to what they need. If parents are blind to what is going on with their children, they cannot raise, educate and protect them in today's world.

I maintain that that is our primary responsibility- to truly "see" our children. We cannot afford to be blind to what they are doing or engaged in- whether in real-life or on-line. We need to educate ourselves, screen all their equipment- phones, iPod, iPads, computers etc., and let them know that we know what they are doing. Before we hand over any piece of technology to our children, we need to consider not only whether they are ready, but rather are we as parents equipped and/or ready for the supervision that piece of technology requires. We need to be prepared for the heart to heart talk that goes along with every additional device we give them. We need to make clear how we feel about cyberbullying, and stress our expectations. (We also want them to know that if they ever read or see anything that makes them uncomfortable, they should share it with us). "Don't you trust me?" they might ask. Let's not fall into this trap. We do this all because we care about them. We want to protect them.  

Foul or Fair Play

Jonathan Martin, a player on the Dolphins, left his team this past Thursday claiming an abusive environment. He was repeatedly bullied and teased by his teammates, who called him names. On Thursday, he went to the cafteteria to sit with his teammates and they all got up to sit elsewhere. Sounds like a something one might watch on television on one of those "tween" shows. Believe it or not, this "bullying" did not happen in a middle school lunchroom. It happened among grown men. Some of his teammates stated that the pranks played on Martin were "normal stuff" that goes on in any locker room.

Some articles stressed that despite the fact that in sports there is "traditional" hazing, the treatment to which he was subjected was beyond what's acceptable. Some reporters maintained that it may be tough for Martin to rejoin the Dophins after reporting on his teammates. I'd be curious to hear what your children think. There was one article I came across which called the incident evidence of the "wussification of America." The author maintains that Martin needed to develop a "thicker skin" and that "locker rooms are not safe houses for sensitive people." Ask your teen, what is considered acceptable teasing? Is there such a thing? How about with sports?

I know that when a child comes to me with a sports- related "bullying" incident, I often have to take a step back and even sometimes consult with a faculty member who is more of an athlete than I. What is considered bullying? If the ball is kept away from a student the whole game each time they play, is it bullying? But, what if he isn't a good athlete and they just want to win? Is there ever a case when a child needs to have a "thicker skin"? At the end of the day, I maintain that even on a pro-team, there needs to be limits when someone is feeling victimized. And, whether or not our middle schoolers want to admit it, we are not professional athletes and the the feelings of a child are more important than winning the game. I know that many students, (and even adults), do not relate to that perspective.

Some other questions to ask your child: Do you think that Martin will be able to return to his team? In general, if someone feels victimized and reports to get some help, will there be retaliation? Is that fair? How can we ever expect anyone to come for help if he is fearful of retaliation? As someone who spends much time each year doing anti-bullying training and intervention with students, the biggest issue that I confront is the fear of the victims and the bystanders to come forward as they imagine that the bully and his/her friends will retaliate.

Dr. Joel Haber, an author on bullying and children, discusses the pervasiveness of bullying on the sports fields. "On the playing field in the sports world a fine line exists between competitive play and bullying.  Another way to make this distinction is to talk about the line between fair play and foul play." Dr. Haber created a chart that "provides a clear definition of bullying in the sports world to help team members become more aware of when they are crossing the line in an inappropriate way." See http://respectu.com/assets/BullyingDefinitionsSports.pdf for Dr. Haber's chart. Dr. Haber highlights the three types of bullying as seen in sports:  Physical bullying is the easiest to identify and what most of us know as bullying.  This consists of hitting, slapping, head butting, towel snapping, tripping, physical violence against another’s will, etc.  Verbal bullying includes name calling, unwanted nicknames, making fun of others, taunting, rudeness and threats of violence or harm to another, etc. Relational bullying can be excluding another player, gossiping, “talking trash” meant to hurt another, embarrassment of a player in front of others, etc.

But, some of the above behaviors sound typical in sports. How does one know one has crossed the line from fair to foul? Bullying is when one or more team members (the bully or bullies) target a single other person (the victim) and use behavior that has the intention to hurt that person.  The bully must have power over the victim and have intent to harm the victim. 

Some months ago, in February 2013, another pro-athlete quit her sport due to cyberbullying. Rebecca Marino, a Canadian tennis player who was ranked as 38^th in the world, announced that she would be retiring from professional tennis due to her struggling with online bullying and abuse she was getting from fans that were berating her on social media. Yogi Berra once said, "Baseball is 90% mental and the other half is physical." An athlete's pscyhe is an important component of her success. It used to be, if fans were unhappy with the performanc of an ahtlete, they would grumble amongst each other, (or maybe in the hallways after shul was over). Today, fans have direct access through social media. Dr. Judy Van Raalte, a sports psychologist stresses the difference that social media has made in that, “It’s called de-individuation. When people are anonymous, they do things they wouldn’t normally do. The Internet is essentially a giant de-individuator.”

The New York Times stated, “Marino said what bothered her most were messages sent via Twitter by people angry because they said they had lost money betting on her matches. ‘They’ll say, ‘You gave that match away, you cost me such-and-such amount of money, you should go burn in hell,’ or ‘You should go die,’” Marino said. ‘And, oh my gosh, that is really scary.’‘You know, there’s that saying ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me’ But that’s not true. Names definitely hurt. Words hurt...Some people think I’m too sensitive. I disagree; I’m just being human.”

We can ask our children- is there such a thing as being too sensitive? Do you think that the fans have a right to write whatever they wish as they are the "paying fans" and she get paid lots of money to do what she does? How about on our sports teams? And, how does social media affect our athletics?

What do we as parents and educators do to to stop bullying among our young athletes? We need to advocate for our children, and not just say, "boys will be boys" or "that's the way to get kids to work hard and play hard." We are lucky enough to have coaches who set the tone and do not tolerate beahvior that seems "foul." There are famous coaches who are known for their bullying behaviors. Our coaches stress, through modeling, that we do not bully. As with all bullying, we need to empower the bystanders to do something about it. Although I do admit that I am not that athletic, I do know that most sports are about working as a team. Being a team player means making sure that everyone is part of the team.

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Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade- Students began our Bar/Bat Mitzvah etiquette unit.

Seventh Grade- Students put teamwork and communication skills into practice on their Frost Valley Retreat.

Eighth Grade- After guided self-reflection concerning their strengths, students filled out the Self -Evaluation worksheets on-line, which are utilized in their high school applications. 

Are Tough Teachers Better?

 Who were your most effective teachers? Were they the nurturing teachers or the demanding ones?

This is the topic of Joanne Lipman's article in the Wall Street Journal on September 27, 2013. She called her article, “Why Tough Teachers Get Good Results,” based on her book that she wrote called Strings Attached: One Tough Teacher and the Gift of Great Expectations. Lipman shares the techniques of a music teacher Jerry Kupchynsky as a model of what is missing in education today. She writes, “It's time to revive old-fashioned education. Not just traditional but old-fashioned in the sense that so many of us knew as kids, with strict discipline and unyielding demands. Because here's the thing: It works.”

Ms. Lipman shares how Kupchynsky was unsympathetic, unyielding and “made us rehearse until our fingers almost bled.” What about this uncaring teacher made Ms. Lipman see his instructional methods as ideal? How can she advocate for his techniques when research does indicate that supportive teacher-student relationships improve motivation, learning and achievement? The research furthermore highlights that caring teachers create classroom environments where students are encouraged to take risks and learning is emphasized over performing. Students who feel cared for persist in the face of failure. Mr. Kupchynsky's classroom was clearly not so.

Lipman feels that although she may not agree with the abuse students experienced, she feels that eight principles come from the “tough teacher.” 1. “A little pain is good for you.” - True growth is fostered by constructive and often painful feedback. 2. “Drill, baby, drill” - There is an element of rote learning that is essential for success, (i.e. memorizing one's times tables). 3. “Failure is an option”- when children understand that failure is part of learning, they perform better. 4. “Strict is better than nice”- The number one finding of a team of researchers investigating what makes a teacher successful was that “they were strict.” 5. “Creativity can be learned”- there is no such thing as a born genius, and through hard work one can learn the art of being creative. 6. “Grit trumps talent”- passion and perseverance for long-term goals is the best predictor of success. 7. “Praise makes you weak.” 8. “Stress makes you strong” - the appropriate amount of stress in childhood helps develop resiliency.

Each one of Lipman's points can lead to an entire article on its own. I do wonder, though, whether Mr. Kupchynsky's teaching style truly reflected these beliefs. Do we agree that tough teachers get better results than caring teachers? How about parents? Are tough parents better parents and raise better children than caring parents? Deep down, do some of us feel that “kids nowadays” are spoiled and overpampered and could use some old-fashioned, unyielding teaching?

These differing views on pedagogy remind me of the differences we had always learned between Beit Hillel and Beit Shammai- who often come to mind as we get closer to Chanukah time and lighting candles. Today, when there is a machloket, we generally say the halacha is according to Beit Hillel. The Arizal maintained that in the time of Moshiach, we will “paskin” like Beit Shammai. Why? The Mikdash Melech explains that Beit Hillel represents kindness, (as his halachic rulings are usually more lenient), and Beit Shammai severity. Today, before the arrival of Moshiach, we are not capable of withstanding the severity of Beit Shammai.

I maintain that a caring teacher with high expectations can combine the best of both worlds. In her research, Judith Kleinfeld coined the term “warm demanders.” “Warm demanders exert influence on their students' learning through their relationships. They are not willing to let a child turn in lesser quality work or fail; instead, with compassion, they express their belief that their students can do better and are willing to work with students to improve their work.” They utilize the teaching style called “active demandingness.” This style is the balance of establishing a relationship with the students, while at the same time, holding students accountable. This is the “golden mean” of all middot- neither the extreme of being too demanding nor the extreme of being a “pushover” makes an effective teacher. As it says in Sanhedrin 107b, there should be a combination of compassion and justice, “pushing away with the left hand while bringing closer with the right hand.”

As parents, we are the ultimate teachers of our children and can utilize the “warm demander” model. It is not an easy balance, but hopefully gets “good results.”

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Advisory Updates:

Sixth Grade- Sixth graders worked on organizational skills as they organized their lockers and backpacks utilizing the P.A.C.K. method.  

Seventh Graders- Seventh graders culminated their unit on preparing for teamwork at Frost Valley as they learned the importance of Active Communication skills.

Eighth Graders-  Eighth graders discussed,  through some self-analysis,  that which makes them unique and the skills that they "bring to the table" as part of assessing who they will become as they embark on the next four years of high school. 

You Are A Wonder

 There is a book making its way into the hands of middle schoolers all across the country called Wonder by R.J.Palacio. I first heard of the book last year at a teen conference on Tolerance, but I thank Rabbi Knapp for handing me the book to read. (It is a wonderful book to read with your middle schooler). The book tells the story of Auggie, a boy with facial deformities. It speaks of his first year in school after being home schooled and his journey to acceptance. The book challenges the reader to consider whether we are truly accepting of those who are different, and how difficult it is to stand up to peer pressure and do what is right. Wonder ends with Auggie receiving an award at the end of the year for strength of courage and character. He receives a standing ovation as he accepts the award. The book is called “Wonder” as in the last sentences of the book Auggie's mother says to him, “'Thank you, Auggie,' she answered softly. 'For what?' 'For everything you've given us,' she said. 'For coming into our lives for being you.' She bent down and whispered in my ear. 'You really are a wonder, Auggie. You are a wonder.'” In the appendix of the book, Auggie states, “Everyone in the world should get a standing ovation at least once in their life ...”

The uniqueness of each person is celebrated in Wonder. Augggie's parents had a difficult job convincing a child who felt like an outcast that he was a “wonder.” In reality, as growing teens, all of our children have times in their lives when they feel down about themselves. Whether it is not making the team, or comparing his/her low grade on a test to others, he/she can feel anything but wonderful. As parents, we have the challenge to convince each of our children that they are special in their own ways. We do this by helping our children identify their true talents and encouraging them to develop those talents. “You are not just one of the crowd. You stand out. You are unique.” We provide them with standing ovations as often as we can. BUT... there is a downside...

This concept came to my mind this week as the world mourned the passing of HaRav Ovadiah Yosef, ztl. At Yavneh we attempted to help the children feel the gravity of this loss. I heard someone mention an incredible opportunity that came about at Chacham Ovadiah's funeral, attended by approximately 800,000 people. The Gemara in Berachot 58b mentions that upon seeing 600,000 Jews one says the beracha, “Baruch Ata...Chacham HaRazim” - Blessed are You G-d...who knows all secrets.” The Gemara continues to explain the meaning of this beracha. “For their thoughts are not similar to one another, nor are their appearances similar.” Only G-d has the ability to create and see the individuality in each person- even when in a large crowd. We thereby thank Hashem for creating us with that which makes each of us special- for the wonder he created in each one of us.

As teachers, this is one challenge we face each day- to see each one of our students as an individual. This is particularly challenging when it comes to the more quiet students, as they can easily blend into the background if we do not make the effort to get to know their uniqueness and their wonder. And, of course, through differentiating our instruction we support the individual learning styles and personalities of every child.

This beracha also demonstrates the downside to which I referred above. While we stress the unique aspects of all children, there is something incredible about being part of that large group of people. We say a beracha on seeing that wonder as well. (Interestingly enough, research indicates that being part of a community greater than oneself contributes to positive self-image as well). Going overboard in providing our children with a healthy dose of self-esteem can often lead to a dangerous self-centeredness. There is value in reminding our children that they are “one of the crowd” and part of the community. There is great good to be achieved when we reach out to work together, help each other and ignore our differences. Rabbi Zalman Lent, rabbi in Dublin, Ireland shares, “But there is also something powerful in belonging to a mass of humanity – a group, a nation, a people. So on the one hand we cherish the differences of the individual – we even praise G-d for that, but on the other hand we can see the great good that can be achieved when we work together as a group, masking over our differences. We need to be counted as individuals, serving G-d on our own individual levels and in ways that are meaningful to us; but equally we need to recognize that we are part of a whole — small cogs linked together in an incredible human network – the largest social network in history.”

Likewise, with our children we at times need to remind them that, “You are special, but don't let that go to your head.” We look out for each other. We help others and do not simply help ourselves. At times, we need to challenge them to stop and think not of how special they are, but rather how they can reach out to others.

Another downside can be that our children begin to believe that they must be special. It is not okay to just be “average” or “normal.” The tremendous pressure they put on themselves to maintain uniqueness can lead to competition and feelings of inadequacy- exactly the opposite of what we as parents had intended when we reinforced how special they were.

The beracha “Chacham HaRazim” reminds of the importance balance of seeing the wonder of the individual while reinforcing the wonder of the klal. The wonder that Auggie was could not be accomplished without his individual strength of character and the community that supported him.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade- Our sixth graders learned some of the skills necessary for effective discussions in Advisory.

Seventh Grade- In preparation for teamwork at Frost Valley, students learned the skills of Assertive Communication and how to disagree utilizing “I statements” instead of accusatory “You statements.”

Eighth Grade- Our eighth graders continued with practical guidance in the application process and began learning interviewing skills.

Parenting for a New Generation

 As a child, the parshiot found in Sefer Bereishit were the highlight of the year. What could be better than floods, rainbows, tents with four doors, angels going visiting or going up and down ladders? But, as we relearn Sefer Bereishit as teens we realize, “ Hey, there are some other stories that our teachers conveniently left out when we learned these parshiot for the first time.” One such story is found in this week's parasha, Parashat Noach. After the flood, in Bereishit 9:20-21 it states, "Noach debased himself and planted a vineyard. He drank of the wine and became drunk." Aside from the apparent incest that follows, it is clear why our Morot skipped this story. How could Noach the Tzaddik stoop to such a level?

Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, a psychologist known for his work in the area of addiction, says that this story comes to teach us something about parenting. “The commentaries say that Noach knew how much he could drink safely without the wine affecting him, but that was before the flood. What Noach did not consider is that the world had undergone a radical change, and it was not the same world he had known. In a new world, old rules may not apply. What was tolerable in the old world may not be tolerable in the new world.”

Dr. Twerski continues that the world has radically changed from the time we were children. The world has become more “polluted” and therefore the old rules are not adequate. The freedoms that our parents gave us to come and go unsupervised cannot be granted to today's teens. “Parenting by instinct is not acceptable,” he adds. In today's world, parenting is like “trying to go up a down escalator.” The lesson of Noach is that when the world has changed, we cannot afford to continue "business as usual."

Behaviors, interactions and even clothing that were considered inappropriate and vulgar 30 years ago are now celebrated and sensationalized. Realities and life experiences to which we weren't exposed until we were in our college years, our “tweens” can have easy access to today. And, as today's parents, we have less control over boundaries that are set for our children. The world has changed and we need to adapt our parenting accordingly. First, we need to educate ourselves about the challenges that our children are facing, as we may not even be aware of all the dangers they confront.

As parents, we additionally need to work harder at parenting, by attending parenting lectures/shiurim, (coming to Yavneh parenting programs!), reading parenting books, and consciously planning our parenting strategies. Most parenting is done by modeling. We must work diligently on refinement of our own personalities in order to resist the noxious effects of today's “hedonistic world.” We need to be more obvious and frank about our values with our children. Ethics and morals we may have absorbed as children by osmosis, our children of today need to be directly taught. (On the school-end, this is just what programs such as our Advisory program at Yavneh are all about).

(In addition, on a most basic level, this story of Noach and his drunkenness reminds us as parents of emerging teens of the dangers of substance use, (including alcohol!), and the models we are to our children by how we utilize alcohol in our lives.)

One might feel dejected about the current demands of parenting that have been placed upon us. Dr. Twerski reminds us that, “ we are assured that 'ha'bo litaheir misayein oto - one who tries to purify himself will receive [Divine] help.' Hashem helps us overcome all challenges, and thus no challenge is insurmountable.”

Advisory Update:

6^th Grade- Our sixth graders started Advisory this past week. Advisors and students have been learning about each other and developing a relationship.

7^th Grade- Our seventh graders have begun their preparation for their Frost Valley Leadership Conference. This week, they discussed qualities that are essential for teamwork and leadership and how one attains those character traits.

8^th Grade- Our 8^th graders began their unit on Applying to High School. This past week, they discussed how one chooses a high school? What qualities are they looking for? What determines their decision? What kind of person do they each want to become in the next four years? How do parents and children share this decision? They also began to look at the actual applications and what is needed to practically fill them out. 

Saying "I'm Sorry" and Taking Responsibility

 “This is my confession... I will take responsibility for what I have done.” What are the chances of hearing those words on a video featured in media this week during Aseret Yimei Teshuva? These are not the words of a rabbi urging his congregation to Teshuva. This was a headline newsstory. The moment I saw it I thought, “This is a perfect topic for Advisory and for Aseret Yimei Teshuva.” What could be better than combining a Torah lesson with a social/emotional skill? In this week's 8^th grade Advisory we were able to do so.

The lesson began by showing the students a segment of that video clip that has had been viewed on Youtube 1.9 million times in the past week. The clip can be found in many places, but originally appeared on the website “because I said I would.” You can view the video at http://becauseisaidiwould.com/saveyourvictim/ . The video features Matthew Cordle who killed Vincent Canzani in a hit and run while drunk driving in June. Since then, he had not come forward until posting this video of himself on the website confessing to killing Canzani. The website becauseisaidiwould.com was started by Alex Sheen in memory of his father. It is focused on having people “make commitments for themselves and their goals using index cards” called “promise cards” that say on them “because I said I would.” In his video, Matthew Cordle was holding up a promise card that said on it “I will take responsibility for what I've done.” Cordle was arraigned two days ago.

Some of the questions we wanted the students to consider were: Why do you think Cordle confessed? Was it because he knew he would be caught? Was it self-interest as he thought that juries may feel bad for him and then give him a lighter sentence? Why did he wait so long to come forward? Was it difficult for him to live with the guilt? Do you think his confession was sincere? Why did he confess on a website and not just call the family directly and turn himself in? If you confess only because you are afraid of punishment does it count? Cordle's blood-alcohol content was 0.19 percent following the crash, more than double the level of intoxication for Ohio. Cordle says he made a mistake. This mistake took another man’s life. Can he ever undo what he has done? Does a confession do that? Does confessing that he did wrong erase all that he did? Mr. Canzani's ex-wife calls Cordle “an honest man”- do you think he is an honest man? One article about him uses the word “hero.” Is he?

I wanted the students to consider how difficult it is to admit one has done wrong and all the reasons why one would do so- some selfish reasons as well. We also asked them to contemplate what it takes to be brave enough to do so. In their own lives, when they do admit they have done wrong, does the transgression disappear?

We were then able to bring this discussion around to how it applied to them as Jews. Do you think that Jews believe that if you admit something, and regret, and promise not to do it again you are cleared from it? They were asked to think about what a gift Teshuva is that it allows us to start with a clean slate. However, the Teshuva must be sincere. What if Teshuva is not sincere- i.e. you are only doing it because you are afraid of punishment- does it work? The Rambam Hilchot Teshuva 4: 1 specifically notes, “There are 24 deeds that hold back Teshuva...One who says, 'I will sin and then, repent.' Included in this category is one who says, 'I will sin and Yom Kippur will atone [for me].'” So, if one sins counting on the fact that if he will confess all will forgive, will that repentance work? (Although we did not bring it up in Advisory, thinking about Anthony Weiner and Elliot Spitzer, we can realize that admitting you are sorry does not always allow you to erase that which you have done. This is an interesting conversation to have with our older children).

As parents, we can teach and model what it truly means to admit one is wrong. Teshuva provides the perfect template for that admission. The steps are consistent with what any therapist might learn in a workshop on learning to take responsibility for one's actions. Dr. Michele Borba in her book Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me, highlights the five steps to giving a sincere apology. I am going to focus on the three main steps: According to her they are: “1. Think about what you did wrong 2. Say what you are sorry for. 3. Tell how you are going to make things better.”

It suspiciously sounds as if Dr. Borba got her steps from the steps of Teshuva. First, one must recognize that one has done something wrong- הכרת החטא. That is often the hardest step as we are often in denial regarding our misbehaviors. Most children say, “It was not me!” or “It was his fault!” We need to help them stop the “blame game.” Then one must regret one's deed and disown his/her behavior-עזיבת החטא/ חרטה. The next step is confessing aloud- וודוי. And, then ensuring that one will never do the behavior again- קבלה על העתיד. A great way to react when a child blames another for an event is to respond, “What can we do to make sure this won't happen again?” (Interestingly enough, assuming Cordle was sincere, he actually did go through the above steps of Teshuva).

When we learn about Teshuva with our children we point out that we can apply the lessons of Teshuva to our everyday lives, at any age and with our interactions with peers. These steps are not simply for the Aseret Yimei Teshuva. We know that these steps are difficult for us as adults. By asking our children the right guiding questions we can train our children from a young age to effectively admit they are wrong, take responsibility for their actions, and thereby become better people.

Matthew Cordle promised to take responsibility for his actions. We ended the session with our 8^th graders by presenting the students with their own Promise Cards. We asked them to each pick a goal to change something or to do something differently this year to make themselves better people. By making a “promise” to themselves, we empower our children to take responsibility for their growth and their actions on the path to self-improvement.

Self-control Strategies For Success

You can probably hear that familiar voice in your head. The conversation is a yearly one. “What can I/you do differently so that I/you can have a more successful year?” This might be a conversation you have with your child at the end of the summer before school begins. (Yes. He makes it clear that he has no desire to have this conversation!) Or, it might be a conversation you have with yourself (or your child), as Rosh Hashana and the Yamim Noraim approach. This year, as the beginning of the school year and the Yamim Noraim practically coincide, we are reminded of how both the beginning of school and the beginning of the Jewish year are opportunities to start fresh.

Each year we speak to our students about spending some time thinking about how they can do things differently this year. Much of what they highlight is wishing that they had more self- control. If only I was able to watch less TV or text less or spend less time playing games, and to study more in advance with less procrastinating. Or if I could resist the temptation of my friend in class who distracts me. Or perhaps they wish they could stop some of their bad habits when it comes to studying – if only I could be more organized so I wouldn't lose my papers. If only I could use my planner better. If I had more self-control and could resist temptation, then I could be a more successful student.

This theme fits in perfectly with the theme of Teshuva as we embark upon Rosh Hashana.. If only I could have more self-control and resist temptation, then I could overcome my bad habits and become a better person.

Rabbi Dovid Gottleib, in his article “Strategic Teshuva” stresses that in order to overcome temptation one must ask oneself the following questions “When do I fail like this? What is in the environment? What else has happened that day? Under which specific circumstances do I fail? And, what can I do to change those circumstances?” He calls this technique of changing the circumstances in which we fail “Strategic Teshuva.”

When attempting to change habits or even sinful behaviors we need to identify the triggers for those behaviors. Is the trigger for misbehaving in class sitting next to the chatty classmate? Is the laziness I sometimes feel when it comes to becoming better triggered by surrounding myself with computer games? Is the trigger for my angry outbursts my exhaustion leading to a lack of patience or even the time of day I leave for work which is guaranteed to be a time of traffic?

It is difficult to change behaviors if the triggers still exist, therefore our goal is avoid the triggers. Change the environment (i.e. move your seat in class). Surround yourself with people that are moving towards doing better.

If one cannot change the environment, one should add something to the environment to strengthen oneself, to make it easier for him/her to do the right thing. Set an alarm to go off when you have had enough computer time. Call your friend, (hands-free, of course), who you know will calm you down during traffic. Switch your minyan to a minyan where people tend to have more kavana for tefillah.

“The key is to control the environment by avoiding some things and creatively adding others so that it will be easier to do the right thing.” Rabbi Gottleib adds that some may see this “strategic Teshuva” as a cop-out. It seems as if we are running away from our problems and not overcoming our temptations- just avoiding them. He responds that our first responsibility is for our actions. And, “often we can only overcome the desire if we have a respite from the wrong actions. As long as the bad habits and midot are active it is very difficult to gain control.” By avoiding the temptations our ultimate goal is to be immune to temptations and to exert more self-control. The first step to complete Teshuva is Strategic Teshuva.

When contemplating how to improve ourselves or our children as people, or how to help them become better students, we first need to help them identify their temptations. When meeting with a student, the first question I ask him is, “What do you think is standing in your way?” Until they identify those obstacles change is not possible.

There is one more element we can add to the chances of success in resisting temptation. Dr. Peter Gollwitzer speaks of “implentation intention.” If a person makes specific plans to achieve a goal he has set, those intentions increase the chances of his achieving the goal if he also is able to foresee obstacles to that goal- the temptations. If there is a temptation a person is trying to resist, one should first form an implementation intention by thinking specifically about the temptation and about the situation where he is most likely to encounter that temptation. Then, one must resolve to stick to one's goal even in the face of temptation, and make a specific plan to stick to the goal. The example given is with a group of women who were dieting. Those who were able to foresee the foods that would be tempting to them, imagine where they will encounter such food, and assert in their minds that they will still stick to their diets, were more prone to stick to their diets when encountering the tempting foods.

When working with teens, I often like to use images from sports as examples. (Although, I often need to consult with the student before making the analogy, as I am not known for my sports knowledge!). In sports, when the coach calls the team into the huddle to draw up the play, he is attempting to help them envision what the the other team may do, and what they can do to preempt them. Visualization is a technique often used by athletes where they imagine their competitive scenario and “see” the outcome in the most positive manner possible. It can help improve outcomes. As parents, we coach our children to draw up “X's” and “O's” to plan strategies for victory.   

At this Rosh Hashana, when we make New Year's resolutions to resist temptation to sin, we need to utilize some “Strategic Teshuva” while we envision possible temptations and triggers, and craft an environment for success. Likewise, when we sit with our children to assist them in resisting the temptations in their lives, let us help them set their goals, identify their temptations and triggers that might stand in their way, and then plan practical strategies for avoiding those triggers. Only then can we lead them towards success in school and, more importantly, towards effective Teshuva and growth.

Shana Tova.