Choose Life!

  My daughter who is studying in Israel for the year had the privilege of joining a trip to Poland the week before Pesach.  For those of us who have joined such a trip we know how impactful and life-changing it can be.  She was able to go back to Israel before returning to the United States, and there is nothing like going to the Kotel after returning from Poland, asserting with pride that we rebuilt and the Nazis did not win.  That is the emotion that I often feel when experiencing Yom Hoshoah one week and then Yom Haatzmaut the following week. 

I told my daughter that when I went to Poland during my year in Israel, seeing the ghettos and the concentration camps was incredibly emotional and poignant, allowing me to feel the lives of my grandparents and their families and what they went through. But, somehow, seeing the life that was before the Holocaust,  like visiting Yeshivat Chochmei Lublin of Rabbi Meir Shapiro or the shul of the Rama, the city of Gur- the home of the Sfat Emet and the homes with the mezuzot, was equally moving.  I felt inspired and challenged to carry on the Jewish life, the teaching and the transmission of Judaism. 

I recently attended a shiur before Pesach by Dr. Danielle Bloom and she referenced a book called People Love Dead Jews by Dara Horn.  Quite a title!  I have only begun reading the book, but the beginning already struck me.  She asks “What, I asked, was the point of caring so much how people died, if one cared so little about how they lived?”  Horn is a professor of Jewish history and literature and said that her efforts are in “making sure to tell the stories of how Jews had lived and what they had lived for, rather than how they had died.”  One example with which Horn begins her book is how Anne Frank’s diary has sold more than 30 million copies world-wide and her house hosts over a million visitors a year.  And yet, when one employee tried to wear his kippa to work, he was told he could not as they needed to stay “neutral.”  (After four months the museum gave in and allowed him to wear his kippa).  And, in fact, she continues “several direct references to Jewish practice were edited away” from the original publication of the diary.  An instance of caring about how Anne Frank died as a Jew, but not about how she lived. 

And, so when I visited the shul of the Rama who wrote a gloss on the Shulchan Aruch, and saw the seat in which he sat, I celebrated how he lived, and how the people of his shul and community lived as Jews. I left there inspired to continue their legacy. 

As we celebrate Yom Haatzmaut this week, we are in essence celebrating the ability to live the Jewish life that my grandparents and their family lived pre-war- without fear, with independence and with pride.  

In my home, as we cooked and prepared for Pesach, we watched the Dee funerals and the interviews of the people who visited the Dee family.  We felt the deep sadness as the Dees are part of our “family.”  One aspect that struck us all was the ability of Rabbi Dee to not focus on the death of his wife and children, but rather on how they lived. He asked us all in his eulogy and would ask all those who paid shiva calls to learn something or do something different with the way we live our lives. The residents of the Efrat community, along with their rabbi, have put together a graphic based on Rabbi Dee’s words at his wife Lucy’s funeral.  They call them  "Lucy's 7 F's" “an incredible guiding tool that she and Leo used to check in with each other and ensure that they were living directed and purposeful lives.”

And, so rather than focusing on their deaths, we can focus on how they lived. 

Last week the 7th and 8th graders at Yavneh were privileged to hear a presentation by Rabbi Yehuda Segal’s grandmother about her experience in the Holocaust. Hearing Mrs. Sunny Segal’s story first-hand was an incredible opportunity for our students.  Mrs. Rubin highlighted at the end of the presentation that Sunny is a nickname.  In essence the pure “sunshine” that came from her optimism and belief in God made as much of an impact on the students as did her story.  It was not just all about how her relatives died. It was about how she has continued living.  

And, it is therefore no coincidence that the organization Stand With Us came to speak to our 7th graders this past week to launch their next unit in Advisory “Do Not Stand Idly By,” focusing on Israel advocacy.  Even as teens,  after experiencing Yom Hashoah we have an obligation  to not only dwell on the losses, but to consider how we plan on living to make a difference.  And, this year we were joined by a Stand With Us high school intern who shared how even as teenagers they can make a difference. 

It says in Devarim 30:19

הַעִדֹ֨תִי בָכֶ֣ם הַיּוֹם֮ אֶת־הַשָּׁמַ֣יִם וְאֶת־הָאָ֒רֶץ֒ הַחַיִּ֤ים וְהַמָּ֙וֶת֙ נָתַ֣תִּי לְפָנֶ֔יךָ הַבְּרָכָ֖ה וְהַקְּלָלָ֑ה וּבָֽחַרְתָּ֙ בַּחַיִּ֔ים לְמַ֥עַן תִּֽחְיֶ֖ה אַתָּ֥ה וְזַרְעֶֽךָ׃

I call heaven and earth to witness against you this day: I have put before you life and death, blessing and curse. Choose life—if you and your offspring would live—

This is a strange mitzvah-ובחרת בחיים - of course someone would choose life! Who would choose death? 

Hashem is telling Bnai Yisrael in this pasuk that you need to make a choice- a conscious decision each day to live- to think about how you are living and to live to make a difference.  This is the message that we relay to our students in the weeks of Yom Hashoah, Yom Hazikaron and Yom Haatzmaut. Are you choosing to live a meaningful life?  Are you making a difference in this world? Whether through strengthening one’s shemirat hamitzvot,  Israel advocacy, being kind to others, doing chesed- are you choosing to live a productive life?  Everyone can make a difference- even teenagers. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students focused on bullying and other hurtful behaviors when it comes to cellphone use. 

Seventh Grade: Students discussed the obligation to stand up to racism in the world and bullying in their own classrooms. Stand With Us also did a presentation for the students on media bias and what they can do to stand up for Israel.

Eighth Grade:  Students focused on the dangers of vaping and juuling as part of the Substance Abuse unit. 

Dayeinu- A Lesson for Life!

  Towards the end of Maggid in the haggadah Jews all across the world, even those who may not be observant, cheerfully sing the same old tune to “Dayeinu.” When one thinks about it, Dayeinu is really a puzzling song. Is it true that if Hashem had dried the Yam Suf and not killed our enemies it would have been enough?! (They would have still found us and killed us!)   Is it true that if Hashem had brought us to Har Sinai and not given us the Torah that would have been enough?!  (What would be the point of being at Har Sinai if not to get the Torah?)  The point of the song is a sort of itemized list of all the components of what Hashem has done for us. We appreciate every aspect, and do not take even one item for granted. 

The same holds true for relationships with others. That type of gratitude is what creates relationships- noticing every single little thing that is done. Jonathan Bennett, in his article “The Haggadah- Lessons In Gratitude” speaks of how parents need to use this technique with their children:

A child's self-esteem is not promoted by general compliments. The child dismisses, "Oh, that's a beautiful picture you drew," as a stock reply, not real praise. If you want her to feel good about your compliment, be specific: "I like the red color you drew the flowers with; it's so bright. And that butterfly with the blue and green dots is the happiest butterfly I ever saw." Children, who are experts at discerning what's genuine, know that real appreciation hones in on the details.

That explains why right before Dayeinu there is a disagreement between R. Yosi HaGelili, R. Eliezer and R. Akiva about how many aspects were there to the 10 plagues and how many miracles happened at the Red Sea. Why does it matter? The more details, the more we can thank Hashem more specifically for all He has done. 

As Dr. Erica Brown quotes Dr. Solomon Schimmel, “One interpretation of the structure of this poem is that when we reflect on a benefit that G-d (or by extension, another person) has done for us, we should break it into its multiple components, meditating on each element.”

The same need for focusing on the specifics when expressing gratitude is essential in all relationships- even husbands and wives. Another area where this gratitude is necessary I consider now due to two events that I attended in the past week.

This past week I attended two sessions that coincidentally touched on the same topics. On Thursday evening I attended a session as part of Prizmah’s Mental Health Summit which brought together guidance staff, learning support staff and various administrators.  That session was by John D’Auria who was to focus on the importance of “emotions for deep learning.”  While D’Auria spent part of the session on this topic, another area upon which he focused was the importance of gratitude towards our teachers. While this gratitude would logically come from students and even parents, he stressed that we as administrators need to work on relaying the gratitude as well. In my focus group’s debrief of his presentation, we shared how our schools are or should be working on relaying this gratitude from students, parents and administrators,  and some practical ideas.

I then attended an afternoon Community Conversation of  the Yeshiva University YUnite Shabbat on the topic of “Cultivating Future Mechanchim: Challenges and Solutions.”  On the panel was our very own Rabbi Knapp (who did a wonderful job!), Rabbi Michael Taubes and Rabbi Yehuda Chanales, who is the director of Yeshiva University’s Chinuch Incubator, working on a plan to encourage more college students to go into Jewish Education. All three presenters shared why less college students are going into Jewish education than ever before. Aside from financial reasons, another primary reason identified was the lack of gratitude expressed towards teachers.  This dearth of gratitude was consistently expressed by all three presenters. 

In speaking about Dayeinu Dr. Erica Brown wrote,” Imagine for a moment a thank-you note where instead of the usual clichés you had a note in the form of Dayenu, outlining several details of appreciation. Had the person done only one it would have been enough.

Now imagine receiving such a note — highly personal, thoughtful and unique. It might be the thank-you note you actually save.” Dayeinu is “a template for true thanks.” 

And, that is why since my own children have been in pre-K they have all written thank you notes to their teachers (even when I had to do the writing!) and they had to write something specific that they learned in that class that made an impact on them. And, that is why, during Covid in the middle school we had all our middle schoolers write thank you notes to teachers.  This is the template they have to use:

THANK YOU FOR BEING MY TEACHER!

Dear _________________________________,

Thank you for being my teacher this year.  I am so grateful for ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I will always remember these two things that I learned with you:

1.

2.

With gratitude,

_________________________________

We have been doing it each year since, and I cannot describe how much it means to the teachers.  Most importantly it gives them the sense that they made a difference.  

Why do we need to wait until the end of the year to send thank you notes?  Just the other day, my daughter’s college guidance counselor met with her…which happens to be her job. But, my daughter came home and shared that the meeting was so helpful.  So, I dropped her a thank you email, with the specifics of what was helpful. Why do we need to wait until the last week of school?  Here at Yavneh, a teacher took the time to meet with a 7th grade student the other day during her only break of the day. I took a moment and sent her a thank you email for meeting with that student and shared the specifics of how her manner was so encouraging. 

I left the Prizmah workshop and the Shabbat panel re-inspired to express thanks to the teachers of my own children and to the teachers here at Yavneh. I thank them for all the “Dayeinus”- the specifics of the  hours upon hours they spend thinking about our children and caring not just about the content and the skills the children learn, but also about the children themselves. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade;Students learned the skills of being B.R.A.V.E. L.E.A.D.E.R.S. in combating bullying as upstanders. 

Seventh Grade:  Students learned the skills of Reframing and Radical Acceptance. Some groups had the chance to discuss on-line gossip and Sendit. 

Eighth Grade; As part of the substance abuse lesson students focused on the dangers of alcohol. 

The Joy of Adar- It's Not Over Yet!

  While I am a last minute person, even I have noticed the Passover products filling the aisle in Shoprite.  Yes, Pesach is approaching.  And yet, Adar is not over yet, and neither is the  simcha of Adar until Rosh Chodesh on Thursday.  Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks, z”tl, in his article “The Therapeutic Joy Of Purim” asks- why a whole month? The story of the salvation of Purim really focused on the 13th to the 15th of Adar.  He then asks, and why is the emotion joy? It should be relief. 

It lasts the whole month because it is not “expressive joy” that one would feel on the day something good happens (the 13th/14th/15th).  Rather, Rabbi Sacks calls the joy of Adar a unique type of joy- “therapeutic joy.”  To combat the trauma and the terror they needed therapeutic, all-encompassing joy. The way to “defeat fear is by therapeutic joy. You conquer terror by collective celebration…Precisely because the threat was so serious you refuse to be serious… Humor is the Jewish way of defeating hate. What you can laugh at you cannot be held captive by.”

As our 8th grade is about to present their Holocaust presentations this week, Rabbi Sacks continued explanation hits home. Rabbi Sacks gives an example of a Holocaust survivor who approached him after he wrote a book  Celebrating Life.  The man commented on a quote that Rabbi Sacks had used based on the comedy Life is Beautiful about the Holocaust that “a sense of humor keeps you sane.”  The survivor shared that he had made a pact with a friend that each day they would look for something amusing and they would share with each other and laugh.  They knew that if they could not keep their spirits up they would die, and a sense of humor would save them. 

While that Holocaust survivor intuited the power of humor, there is much research substantiating their strategy. We all know the benefits of humor and laughter. Research indicates that laughter can help those who suffer with chronic pain. A Swiss research team found that people who  laughed at comedy films had increased pain tolerance.  Humor activates the release of endorphins- minimizing emotional pain, and relieves muscular tension- affecting physical pain.  

Humor helps people deal better with stress overall and improves one’s mood. Research with humor therapy’s impact on the elderly indicates a decrease in pain, perception of loneliness and increase in happiness and life satisfaction.  Laughter enhances intake of oxygen and stimulates organs such as the heart and lungs and muscles overall.  It fires up and then cools down your stress response, and then increases and then decreases heart rate and blood pressure, which leads to a relaxed feeling.  Humor can improve your immune system, and your self-esteem. 

In our 7th Grade Advisory unit “When Life Gives You Lemons” among the many techniques we discuss with the students to utilize when facing stressful or upsetting situations, we speak about in the moment, sometimes we just need to use the technique of distraction until the feelings or events pass. An acronym A.C.C.E.P.T.S. expressed the different techniques, among them humor! :

A.= Activities- engage in activities that require thought and concentration (hobby, schoolwork etc.)

C.= Contributing- focus on someone or something else other than yourself- volunteer, do a good deed. 

C.= Comparisons- Look at your situation in comparison to something worse. Remember times when you felt worse and you were okay.

E.= Emotions- Do something that will create a competing emotion LIKE HUMOR - if sad, watch a funny movie. 

P. = Pushing away- Push away your negative thoughts. Imagine they are like a piece of paper and crumple them up and throw them out!

T.= Thoughts- When your emotions take over, try to focus your thoughts. Count to 10, read a book etc.

S.= Sensations- Find safe physical sensations to distract you from negative emotions. Squeeze a stress toy, eat something sour. 

While we targeted many ideas, we did focus on the impact of humor and how it truly can help. Joy can be therapeutic. 

So, as I notice the Pesach products in Shoprite, I am thinking that perhaps the best way to overcome the pre-Pesach stress is through extending the simcha of Adar a few more weeks until I kasher my kitchen!  Is that okay? 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Sixth graders began a new unit on Social Exclusion and other forms of bullying. This week they focused on the power of the bystander. 

Seventh Grade: Students  had a visit from Mrs. Shifra Srolovitz, a Child Life Specialist who trained them to decorate stuffed animals with encouraging messages for ill children. Some classes focused on the dangers of gambling- timed to come right before March Madness.  And, they focused on noting the stressors in their lives and how they deal with them.

Eighth Grade: Students began their unit on Substance Abuse prevention focusing first on the dangers of alcohol and the impact on the Jewish community.