Second Chances

            Friday was Pesach Sheini. While it is not a holiday we typically celebrate, (although Ms. Terry always gives out some matzah!), I believe that Pesach Sheini holds a significant message for us as parents.
     
        Pesach Sheini is the 14th day of Iyar when those who were either impure due to contact with a dead body or lived too far away from the Beit HaMikdash to make it in time to bring the Korban Pesach were given another opportunity to bring the korban. In essence Hashem told them that although they missed the Korban Pesach He would give them a second Pesach- a second chance! Symbolically speaking, no matter how far the Jews are from Hashem, both in their spirituality (i.e. being impure) and in their actual physical location, Hashem will give them another chance.

In essence, the same concept holds true with Teshuva- repentance. No matter what we have done, or what terrible sin we have committed, if we do true, sincere teshuva, Hashem will give us a second chance.  And, while teshuva is most focused upon during the time of the yamim noraim, we can do teshuva every day of our lives. 

I recently read an article by Rabbi Daniel Glatstein who points to a machloket in Kiddushin 36a between Rabi Yehudah and Rabi Meir (whose yahrzeit is said to be on Pesach Sheini).  They argue about if the Jewish people are “'בנים אתם לה”- Hashem’s children, can they lose this status if they sin?  Rabi Yehudah says yes. Rabi Meir says no matter how far the person has drifted he will always be a child of G-d. He is always welcomed back home- which is the message of Pesach Sheini.  (Interesting to note, there is a mystical practice that when someone loses something he says “Elaka d’Meir Aneini.”  Rabbi Glatstein explains that “It is Rabi Meir who insists that on a spiritual level, there is no such thing as becoming completely lost….Therefore, in Rabi Meir’s world, lost items can always be found- just as we can always be found.” 

Hashem, Avinu Malkeinu, models for us a prime example of “Second- chance parenting.”   I recently found this quote online. I do not know who said it, but it says it all:

And, when you think about it, we, the Jewish people, behaved pretty poorly throughout different times in history. And, yet, Hashem always gave us another chance and believed in us. 

As parents, no matter how our children behaved one day, no matter what grade they got on their tests, or no matter how rude they were at the dinner table, we relay to them the message, “No matter what you do, you will ALWAYS get a second chance.”  I will never write you off as impossible or incorrigible.  The secure feeling that a child gets from that message ensures that he will share his worries and trouble with you before things get out of hand. Children who are worried that their parents have given up on them give up on their relationship with their parents.  “You may have skipped your homework five times in a row.  While I need to possibly implement some consequences, and sit with you every night to make sure you are doing your work, you can always redeem yourself.  I believe in you.”  And, most importantly, I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU. 

(I recently read a book by Rabbi Uri Zohar, a”h, called Breakthrough:  How to Reach Our Struggling Kids. It is about how parents need to maintain a connection with children who may have strayed from the path of Judaism. He writes, “Hashem never gives up on  us. ‘If I ascend to the heavens, You are there; and if I lie down in a deep grave, behold, You are there’ says Dovid HaMelech (Tehillim 139:8). Hashem is with us when we plummet to the lowest depths.”   Rabbi Yakov Horowitz,  who has the website Bright Beginnings, asserts as well, when asked how to react to a child who has left Judaism,  What should you tell your children? I have a simple answer for you. Tell your children that you love them all unconditionally; always and forever. And that means giving each of them what they need when they need it. Period. Exclamation point.  (I am a huge Rabbi Horowitz fan and subscribe to his 1 minute videos on parenting. He is an excellent resource). )

Another practical way we can give our children a second chance after they have done something wrong is by asking them the question, “What could you have done differently?” as Alyssa Miller says in her article “How a Second Chance Question Can Make Us Better Moms.”   Miller describes how this phrase, which allows the children to redo the scenario again with a better outcome, literally has changed her life.  Previously, she describes, when seeing her children fighting over the scooter, for example, she would have done something like this: 

1. Calm them down. 2. Ask what happened. 3. Ask them to stop talking at the same time. 4. Calm them down, again. 5. Ask one kid what happened. 6. Listen while kid #2 hops around desperate to tell their side of the story. 7. Decide who should have the scooter. 8. Listen to protests. 9. Send them back out to play, operating on a very weak truce. 

Now, she explains, she simply says, “I see you are upset with one another. What could you have done differently.”  She then hears them say what she would have said in a lecture.  And then says, “Great answer! You know how to handle the situation. Now get going!”  “Honestly? It’s like magic. Even my 4 year old knows where he’s gone wrong, and how he could do things differently. And since the question is entirely self focused, my children spend their brainpower fixing what is actually in their power to fix, instead of blaming or trying to control one another. I know it almost sounds “too simple” to work, but trust me and try it. It’s kind of awesome.”   We give them a “do over” and we tell them that we believe in their ability to choose the right path after thinking it through again. 

But, not only should our children get second chances. Parents get second chances too!  I love the way Miller shares how she gives herself as a parent second chances. 

“I am a wreck. It’s the end of the day and the kids are finally in bed. I was grumpy, impatient, grumpy, annoyed, grumpy, tired, grumpy, frustrated and…grumpy.

Closing the doors to their rooms after kissing them goodnight was akin to dragging myself across the finish line of a 100 mile ultra marathon. Except harder.

I could have lamented about how miserable I was at being a mom. I could have listed all the things I did wrong. I could have berated myself for not living up to my ideals.

Instead? I asked myself a simple question, “What could I have done differently?”

After I’ve sufficiently answered, I continue the conversation with myself, “Great! Now go do that tomorrow.”

When I ask that question, I know that those thoughts are the only ones that matter. I am better able to recognize guilt, condemnation and other unhelpful thoughts and replace them with positive actions I can take the next day.”

 

We can all relate to that grumpy parenting!  We need to give ourselves second chances.  And, if we admit to our children what we could have done differently, they will see us as human and will learn how to give themselves second chances as well.  For it is not enough for us as parents to give them a second chance. They too need to learn how to forgive themselves and realize they always have a “do over” in our eyes. 

When we make a mistake as a parent we model for them how to get that second chance. First we need to be honest and acknowledge what we should have done differently.   We then ask for forgiveness. Then, we make some tangible changes.  Second chances often mean attempting to actually repair a harm that has been done. 

We also thereby teach our children to be “forgivers”  when they see us say, “I’m sorry” and ask for forgiveness.   There is always a chance for their friends and other adults in their lives  to have a second chance and to right a wrong.  (Just to add, that there are clearly circumstances when a friend has gotten too many second chances, and there are times when a friendship may not be the best for the child).  Even good people make bad choices. And, we can even practice with our children how to graciously share with another that he/she is forgiven.  

As educators, we too do try to remind ourselves that no matter what happened with a child the day before, children all get second chances, and each day is a fresh start and a new opportunity. And, likewise, we too can admit when we have acted mistakenly and ask a student for forgiveness. 

But, how about “You never get a second chance to make a first impression?”  We know the stories about the teenager who posted something on instagram and then did not receive a college acceptance. We do speak to our students about their digital footprints, and once something is out there, even if we change our minds after and realize that we want a second chance, it is often impossible to get one.  And, while we do believe people change, it is not easy to change one’s reputation. 

I have been working in schools with teens for 27 years now, and I can share with you story upon story about bumping into a graduate or a parent of a graduate who when he/she was a student he/she struggled behaviorally.  This young adult (or even full-grown adult, married, with family), now has overcome his/her challenges and is a huge success in life and more importantly a huge “mensch.”   All he needed was a second chance.  All she needed was someone who believed in her ability to do better tomorrow- to get a do over.  All they needed was a “Pesach Sheini” - a second chance!   

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students discussed qualities of a true friend

Seventh Grade:  Students discussed in their Do Not Stand Idly By unit the BDS movement. 

Eighth Grade:  Students began a piece of their “Saying Goodbye To Yavneh” unit as their wrote compliments about their classmates which will be created into inscriptions they will receive in the sefarim they receive from the YPAA at the graduation dinner. 

Five Magic Words

  In 2018 we were privileged to host Chava Willig Levy, a”h, who passed away a few weeks ago, as a presenter at our summer faculty meeting.  I had heard her at that year’s Mikvah Dinner and I knew we needed to bring her to Yavneh for some pre-school year inspiration. When I heard of her passing I felt sadness and felt the need to share her message. 

Chava Willig Levy contracted polio at the age of 2, only four months after the polio vaccine was discovered, but not yet well-known and available.  She was attached to an iron lung for months, but remained permanently paralyzed from the neck down.  Levy not only lived but earned her bachelor’s degree summa cum laude from Yeshiva University in French literature and her master’s degree in counseling psychology from Columbia University. She was a writer, lecturer, and an advocate for people with disabilities. She married and had two children.  

Chava’s autobiography is called Life Not With Standing and is quite inspirational. 

The book tells of her numerous surgeries and hospitalizations as a child due to her polio, how she is confined to a wheelchair for life, and her struggles with getting married.  Chava’s book was full of humor and wisdom.  She wrote of a summer camp experience in a camp for “handicapped children.” She fell flat on her face in front of the whole lunchroom. Instead of rushing to pick her up, the director of the camp approached her and asked, “Tell me, how would you like to be helped up?”  For the first time in her life, she was asked to take control and decide how she would get up.  She cannot help falling, but she is the one who determines how she will rise again.  

This is an important message for our children- as they will fall and they need to learn how to get up. 

Chava’s story reminds me of what Rabbi Yitzy Haber shared with the 7th graders to launch the unit in Advisory “When Life Gives You Lemons- Coping With Adversity In Life.” In a humorous way, Yitzy speaks of his battle with cancer as a young boy,  and how humor was his way of coping.  He shares a story about how after his surgery to have his leg amputated he needed to learn how to walk with an amputated leg.  Yitzy was so excited to finally walk.  The physical therapist said to him, “Okay, I am going to teach you how to fall.” Yitzy was puzzled.  “I came here to learn how to walk!”  The therapist replied, “First you need to learn how to fall. You need to learn to fall the right way, in order to get up again.” The metaphor is powerful.  All people fall.  All people face hardship.  It is how you get up that makes the difference.  

Not only do our children need to learn how to get up, they also need to learn how to fall.  With the right resilience skills they can fall without terrible results. 

We will assist them and support them, but they cannot rely on us to do it for them and to bail them out.  They are the only ones who can get themselves up again.  We, as parents, need to teach them the skills to fall with grace and allow them the independence to do so.  

Our children need to learn how to get up as well.  

 Shlomo HaMelech states in Mishlei 24:16,

“A righteous person falls seven times and gets up.”  These failures apply to all areas of life, including spiritual growth.  Rav Hutner said on these words, “The fool thinks the righteous person gets up despite his falls; the wise person understands that he can only ‘get up’ and grow because he falls.  You have fallen numerous times, and you will fall again numerous times. That is not, G-d forbid, a negative prediction, but a fact of life. But there is a concept of ‘losing a battle yet winning the war’. You can fall to your evil inclination time and time again. But as long as you are resilient and dust yourself off and continue to fight, you have not been defeated, and you’ll ultimately prevail and win the war.” 

In her book, The Blessing Of A Skinned Knee, Dr. Wendy Mogel stresses the importance of allowing our children to struggle and fail.  If we overprotect them from feeling pain, they are also protected from growth.  If they are insulated they are incapable of dealing with any adversity and become “teacups” that “chip like a teacup” when confronting difficulty. 

‘

When Chava spoke to our faculty at the inservice day the topic of her presentation was “Five Magic Words,” She applies those magic words to parenting and as educators, we need to apply those words to our interactions with our students, parents, and colleagues. Those five magic words were “Thank you for telling me.”   As she said, “My grandmother used to say, "Little children, little problems; big children, big problems." When my kids were preschoolers, I already saw that she was onto something. Worries  about diaper rash paled in comparison to tensions that had emerged since my cherubic  children acquired the gift of speech. 

How I dreaded those back-and-forth battles of words and wills! Each one reminded me of  an exhausting ping-pong match, a match I inevitably lost. Then one day, almost by  accident, five little words slipped out of my mouth. Like magic, my potential ping-pong  match evaporated before it began.” 

Chava explained that we often attempt to distract, dismiss or dissolve what others are trying to tell us (especially our teens).  These five magic words can improve relationships with our teens, spouses and even total strangers. They reinforce the teller to tell what is on their mind again in the future, as you compliment him/her for telling you this time. In fact, the week after Chava spoke Rabbi Knapp shared with the faculty that he had used those magic words a few times that week and they “worked wonders.”  

Thank you for telling me. Who would have imagined the power of those words?!

Chava wrote an article called “The Bad News About Barney.”  Barney the dinosaur is the topic of her article. While as parents of middle schoolers you may not have watched that show for some time, she maintains that the show is “dangerous.” Writes Chava: What's so dangerous about Barney? In a word, denial: the refusal to recognize the existence of unpleasant realities. For along with his steady diet of giggles and unconditional love, Barney offers our children a one-dimensional world where everyone must be happy and everything must be resolved right away.

"Using denial as a primary coping strategy," confirms Lisa Korman, M.D. a child psychiatrist in New York City, "means that, unlike PBS's luminaries such as Sesame Street and Mr. Roger's Neighbourhood, Barney and Friends does not help children learn to tolerate sorrow, pain, frustration and failure.

She continues to give examples. When the character Kathy is upset because she has no siblings, Barney responds “You have parents and a grandmother. They love you very much. That’s a great family.”  Or when another character says, “I am having a bad day,” he responds “Now that we are together your day will be better.”   She quotes Jeanette Hainer, “"Children can't learn to walk without falling. If you always carried them to prevent the inevitable scrape, both their muscles and their social skills would be severely underdeveloped. Similarly, sugarcoating painful moments can diminish a child's ego strength." There we are again. The importance of falling. 

And, that is where the five magic words come in.  Chava gives an example of what Barney should do. When Kathy is afraid of going to the doctor, he should say, “Thank you for telling me.” And, then continue with “What scares you the most…” 

Chava Willig Levy was a role model for us all. יהי זכרה ברוך.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students focused on the the obligation to be upstanders

Seventh Grade: Students began their unit on Do Not Stand Idly By by focusing how they can stand up for Israel. They discussed the bias against Israel that often exists. 

Eighth Grade; Students focused on the dangers of marijuana as part of their substance abuse unit.