Empathy- A skill for life

          You are never going to believe this…but the brothers never actually sold Yoseph to be a slave!! Now, you are probably thinking, “We just read in parashat Vayeishev yesterday in 37:28:

 וַֽיִּמְשְׁכוּ֙ וַיַּֽעֲל֤וּ אֶת־יוֹסֵף֙ מִן־הַבּ֔וֹר וַיִּמְכְּר֧וּ אֶת־יוֹסֵ֛ף לַיִּשְׁמְעֵאלִ֖ים בְּעֶשְׂרִ֣ים כָּ֑סֶף וַיָּבִ֥יאוּ אֶת־יוֹסֵ֖ף מִצְרָֽיְמָה׃ ‘… they pulled Joseph up out of the pit. They sold Joseph for twenty pieces of silver to the Ishmaelites, who brought Joseph to Egypt.’!!  How can you say that?! It clearly says they sold him!” Or, you might say, doesn’t it say in the play Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (definitely a proof!)  that the brothers approach the Yishmaelim passing by: “Could you use a slave, you hairy bunch of Ishmaelites? Young, strong, well-behaved, going cheap and reads and writes!” 🙂

Okay… the play is probably not a proof. But, the pasuk does seem to say it clearly…until I read the Rashbam. 

ויעברו אנשים מדינים - ובתוך שהיו יושבים לאכול לחם ורחוקים היו קצת מן הבור לבלתי אכול על הדם וממתינים היו לישמעאלים שראו וקודם שבאו הישמעאלים עברו אנשים מדינים אחרים דרך שם וראוהו בבור ומשכוהו ומכרוהו המדיינים לישמעאלים. ויש לומר: שהאחים לא ידעו

ויעברו אנשים מדינים, while the brothers had been sitting down to consume their meal, having distanced themselves somewhat from the pit into which they had thrown Joseph in order not to be guilty of “eating while spilling blood,” they were waiting for the Ishmaelites whom they had seen in the distance, to arrive. During this period the Midianites, coming from a different direction had passed there, saw Joseph in the pit, pulled him up, and proceeded to sell him to the Ishmaelites. One may assume that the brothers had no knowledge of this. 

Now, if we look back in the pasukim again, starting 2 pasukim before:

וַיֵּשְׁבוּ֮ לֶֽאֱכׇל־לֶ֒חֶם֒ וַיִּשְׂא֤וּ עֵֽינֵיהֶם֙ וַיִּרְא֔וּ וְהִנֵּה֙ אֹרְחַ֣ת יִשְׁמְעֵאלִ֔ים בָּאָ֖ה מִגִּלְעָ֑ד וּגְמַלֵּיהֶ֣ם נֹֽשְׂאִ֗ים נְכֹאת֙ וּצְרִ֣י וָלֹ֔ט הוֹלְכִ֖ים לְהוֹרִ֥יד מִצְרָֽיְמָה׃

Then they sat down to a meal. Looking up, they saw a caravan of Ishmaelites coming from Gilead, their camels bearing gum, balm, and ladanum to be taken to Egypt.

The brothers move away from the pit to eat. And, then they saw the caravan of Yishmaelim and then they came up with a new idea…

לְכ֞וּ וְנִמְכְּרֶ֣נּוּ לַיִּשְׁמְעֵאלִ֗ים וְיָדֵ֙נוּ֙ אַל־תְּהִי־ב֔וֹ כִּֽי־אָחִ֥ינוּ בְשָׂרֵ֖נוּ ה֑וּא וַֽיִּשְׁמְע֖וּ אֶחָֽיו׃

Come, let us sell him to the Ishmaelites, but let us not do away with him ourselves. After all, he is our brother, our own flesh.” His brothers agreed.

Here the brothers clearly come up with a plan to sell him to the Yishmaelim instead of letting him die in the pit. But, something happens before they can proceed with that plan. 

וַיַּֽעַבְרוּ֩ אֲנָשִׁ֨ים מִדְיָנִ֜ים סֹֽחֲרִ֗ים וַֽיִּמְשְׁכוּ֙ וַיַּֽעֲל֤וּ אֶת־יוֹסֵף֙ מִן־הַבּ֔וֹר וַיִּמְכְּר֧וּ אֶת־יוֹסֵ֛ף לַיִּשְׁמְעֵאלִ֖ים בְּעֶשְׂרִ֣ים כָּ֑סֶף וַיָּבִ֥יאוּ אֶת־יוֹסֵ֖ף מִצְרָֽיְמָה׃

When Midianite traders passed by, they pulled Joseph up out of the pit. They sold Joseph for twenty pieces of silver to the Ishmaelites, who brought Joseph to Egypt

We know the rule we have always learned in figuring out the pronoun “doing a verb”  in Tanach. When there is a pronoun like the word “they” and no obvious subject doing an act we look to see who is mentioned right before and that is the one who did the act. Who “pulled Joseph out of the pit”? Who “sold Joseph for twenty pieces of silver to the Ishmaelites…” Look in the pasuk- it is the Midyanim! The brothers intended to sell Yoseph, but while they were eating lunch the Midyanim got there first and sold him! The Midyanim heard someone screaming from a pit and decided to sell him. The brothers had intended to sell him, but they never actually did. 

Rabbi David Fohrman points out that this is the clear pshat of the pasuk. Otherwise וַיַּֽעַבְרוּ֩ אֲנָשִׁ֨ים מִדְיָנִ֜ים סֹֽחֲרִ֗ים would be extraneous information. What is it doing here? In essence, as Rabbi Fohrman says, the selling of Yoseph by the brothers is the “great crime that never happened!” “The brothers’ plan, in the end is actually executed by not the brothers, but by the Midianites… And, what of the brothers? Well, while all this is happening, they’re completely oblivious, totally unaware of what’s going on. They’re still over on the next hill eating lunch. They think they have plenty of time, so they continue to their leisurely meal. No reason to rush anywhere. “ And, this explains why Reuven was panic-stricken when he goes back to the pit and sees Yoseph is gone and tears his clothes in mourning. And, he says to his brothers and says, “The boy is gone!” (According to this opinion, Reuven had not left his brothers and was with them the whole time). 

So, then what is the brothers’ sin if they didn’t sell him? Cleary they tortured him, they intended to harm him and they deceived their father- all not good. But,  Rabbi Fohrman points out that later when they think they are getting in trouble by the second in command to Pharaoh (whom they did not yet know was Yoseph), they admitted what they were guilty for, when they were trying to figure out why they were going through this tough time:

וַיֹּאמְר֞וּ אִ֣ישׁ אֶל־אָחִ֗יו אֲבָל֮ אֲשֵׁמִ֣ים ׀ אֲנַ֘חְנוּ֮ עַל־אָחִ֒ינוּ֒ אֲשֶׁ֨ר רָאִ֜ינוּ צָרַ֥ת נַפְשׁ֛וֹ בְּהִתְחַֽנְנ֥וֹ אֵלֵ֖ינוּ וְלֹ֣א שָׁמָ֑עְנוּ עַל־כֵּן֙ בָּ֣אָה אֵלֵ֔ינוּ הַצָּרָ֖ה הַזֹּֽאת׃

They said to one another, “Alas, we are being punished on account of our brother, because we looked on at his anguish, yet paid no heed as he pleaded with us. That is why this distress has come upon us.”

What was their sin, says Rabbi Fohrman? Lack of empathy.  (When one originally reads the brothers’ words one is thinking that they are in denial. Why didn’t they say “because we sold our brother”? According to the Rashbam, their words make sense). As Rabbi Fohrman notes “When your brother is in anguish, you mustn't be silent.  Even if you don’t know how to make things right, even if the only thing you can do is let out an anguished cry of your own, in empathetic solidarity with your vanished brother, that’s what you should do.”

Empathy is the essence of the mitzvah of  וְאָֽהַבְתָּ֥ לְרֵעֲךָ֖ כָּמ֑וֹךָ  (Vayikra 19:18). It is the ability to love your friend as if he were you. In essence, it is the ability to imagine you were that person (as if he were you) and  feel with the other person- empathy. The brothers were unable to feel with Yoseph. That was their crime.

 This past week as part of their unit in Advisory called Operation Respect- focusing on the skills of empathy-  we took the 7th graders to the homeless shelter in Hackensack.  The students learned the steps of empathy:

1. Identify the situation that the other person is going through.

2. Identify what he or she is feeling.

3. Pretend you are that person. Now, think: Why is he or she feeling that way?  What thoughts are going through his/her head?

4. For that moment, feel with  the other person. Feel the emotions he/she is feeling.  

We show them a video by Dr. Brene Brown “Dr. Brene Brown on Empathy” which crystallizes the difference between sympathy and empathy. The character going through a tough time is in a pit/deep hole (interesting connection to the Yoseph story!). With sympathy, when a person is in a pit you yell down “It’ll be okay.” But, with empathy you climb down into the pit with the person proclaiming “I know what it’s like down here and you are not alone.”  Dr. Brown highlights the four more steps of empathy:

1. Perspective taking.

2. Staying out of judgment.

3. Recognizing emotion in other people.

4. Communicating that recognition.  

We even have our students trace their shoes and then switch papers with a neighbor and step into the tracing of their neighbor’s shoes. We then discuss how to “walk a mile in another’s shoes.” What does it feel like to be him/her? 

As parents we can help teach empathy to our children by first modeling empathy with the way we interact with them.  Instead of distracting them when they are upset, or telling them their upset is for no reason, climb down there with them and tell them “I know what you’re feeling and you are not alone.” Only after they feel heard and that you are with them can the brainstorming of solutions begin. 

And, as parents, whenever we can, help our children feel empathetic to others by asking them the guiding questions. “How do you think that person is feeling and thinking?” “Imagine you are that person, what thoughts are going through your mind?”

When we begin discussing the plight of the homeless as part of this unit it is easy for the students to feel sympathy for residents of the shelter. But, feeling empathy is harder.  We begin the unit by reminding the students of hurricanes Ian and Ida which impacted our neighborhoods  and caused some in our own communities to not be able to live in our own homes. We speak about how expensive it is to live in today’s world- especially in the Jewish world- and how minimum wage is simply not enough to support a family.  We remind them that while some who are homeless are physically or mentally ill, not all are.  We educate them about organizations like Tomchei Shabbos and Project Ezrah- and the wonderful community of which we are a part to help those who might be struggling with financial pressures.  The students come to a realization of how lucky we are to be a part of the Jewish community. We are all one big family and support each other. They end this unit with true empathy.  So, when they visit the homeless shelter they see real people, with real struggles  who are just like you and me.  They left this unit with a true understanding of  וְאָֽהַבְתָּ֥ לְרֵעֲךָ֖ כָּמ֑וֹךָ.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students continued discussing bar/bat mitzvah etiquette.

Seventh Grade: Students focused on how we often jump to judge others before truly understanding them.  

Eighth Grade: Students began a unit on the changing (positive!)  relationship between teens and their parents. 

A Parent's Forgiveness

          There was much coverage in the news these past weeks of President Biden pardoning his son Hunter.  Leaving politics and the legalities aside (I am not an expert in either),  I look at this current event through the eyes of the parents' role or how this will fit into this week’s column…like I do most things!  

I recently came across an article by Sarah Yocheved Rigler “Why I Applaud Biden’s Pardon Of His Son.”  Rigler says she applauds the pardon because of “Avshalom’s pillar.”  Avshsalom’s pillar is a burial monument in the Kidron valley right outside of the Old City of Yerushalayim. It has been passed down in tradition that that is the burial place of Avshalom, the son who attempted to overthrow his father King David’s kingdom.  The rebellion of Avshalom is described in Shmuel II and he even tried to kill his father. The general Yoav took it into his own hands and killed Avshalom.

 King Dovid was devastated, as it says in Shmuel II 19:1

אוַיִּרְגַּ֣ז הַמֶּ֗לֶךְ וַיַּ֛עַל עַל־עֲלִיַּ֥ת הַשַּׁ֖עַר וַיֵּ֑בְךְּ וְכֹ֣ה | אָמַ֣ר בְּלֶכְתּ֗וֹ בְּנִ֚י אַבְשָׁלוֹם֙ בְּנִ֣י בְנִ֣י אַבְשָׁל֔וֹם מִֽי־יִתֵּ֚ן מוּתִי֙ אֲנִ֣י תַחְתֶּ֔יךָ אַבְשָׁל֖וֹם בְּנִ֥י בְנִֽי:

And the king trembled, and he went up to the upper chamber of the gate, and wept; and thus he said, as he went, "O' my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! Would I have died in your stead, O' Absalom my son, my son!"

In fact, in my 8th grade Navi class on Sefer Melachim I, we learned that after King Dovid’s passing,  Yoav is finally put to death by King Shlomo as a punishment for killing Avshalom. King Dovid never truly recovered from the death of his son Avshalom

In pasuk 5 King Dovid continues: 

הוְהַמֶּ֙לֶךְ֙ לָאַ֣ט אֶת־פָּנָ֔יו וַיִּזְעַ֥ק הַמֶּ֖לֶךְ ק֣וֹל גָּד֑וֹל בְּנִי֙ אַבְשָׁל֔וֹם אַבְשָׁל֖וֹם בְּנִ֥י בְנִֽי:

And the king covered his face, and the king cried with loud voice: 'O' my son Absalom, O' Absalom, my son, my son!"

In the two pesukim of crying about his son’s death, King Dovid says the word בני eight times. 

Rigler then refers to a Gemara:

According to the Talmudic sages, the first seven repetitions of “B’ni” lifted Absalom’s soul out of the seven levels of hell, while the eighth “B’ni, my son” brought Absalom’s soul into Paradise. King David thus granted his murderous son a royal pardon.

She then notes that Rabbi Chaim Shmuelevitz, the head of the Mir Yeshiva, used to pray the day before Yom Kippur at Avshalom’s pillar. Not at the kotel or any one of the numerous holy places in Yerushalayim. When Rabbi Shmuelevitz was asked why he chose to daven there. He responded that if King Dovid, who was only human, could forgive his “rebellious and murderous son, how much more should G-d forgive the Jewish people…He would say, ‘You, G-d, are greater than King David.  And, we, the Jewish people, are not as bad as Avshalom.’”

Rigler then ends her article by adding that in 2024, we the Jewish people are still engaged in infighting, and when she turns to G-d to ask for the return of the hostages and peace she is “almost embarrassed” as we are violating what Hashem wants from us- unity. And, then she paraphrases Rabbi Shmuelevitz

 “God, Your mercy and compassion are greater than President Biden’s. If Biden can pardon his child just because he is his child, so please pardon Your children because we are Your children, and return the hostages alive to their families and protect our soldiers.”

This pardon of the Bidens struck me as a parenting message. Similar to what I wrote some years ago around Pesach Sheini: 

As parents, no matter how our children behaved one day, no matter what grade they got on their tests, or no matter how rude they were at the dinner table, we relay to them the message, “No matter what you do, you will ALWAYS get a second chance.”  I will never write you off as impossible or incorrigible.  The secure feeling that a child gets from that message ensures that he will share his worries and trouble with you before things get out of hand. Children who are worried that their parents have given up on them give up on their relationship with their parents.  “You may have skipped your homework five times in a row.  While I need to possibly implement some consequences, and sit with you every night to make sure you are doing your work, you can always redeem yourself.  I believe in you.”  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students began their lesson on Bar/Bat Mitzvah etiquette.

Seventh Grade: Students continued with the skills of empathy and not jumping to conclusions about others. 

Eighth Grade: “Why Be Good?” was the question our eighth graders tackled this week. 

Because Everyone Belongs

  This past Shabbos my family and I had the privilege of being invited to be guests Friday night at a Yachad Shabbaton in Teaneck.  I always enjoy my time with Yachad and look forward to seeing “old friends” from Yachad Shabbatons with Yavneh, from the Yachad members who volunteered weekly with our students organizing the Yavneh Lost and Found, and seeing those who have been with us at our Chesed Team Chanukah parties and other Chesed Team events.  It is also a huge source of nachat for me as I see Yavneh graduates who have become advisors and are working for Yachad. (And, as a parent, seeing my son who is a Yachad coordinator running some of the programming was a huge source of pride!) 

For those who have ever attended a Yachad Shabbaton, or perhaps an NCSY Shabbaton, you would know that there is something called “circle time” where everyone brings their chairs into a circle after the meal and they sing songs before bentching. Many schools and camps have adopted this practice as well. Some of the songs are Shabbos songs and some of them are the participatory “camp-like” songs. I enjoy the yearly “Pizza-man,” “Introduce yourself,” “Down by the bay” songs, just to name a few.  A Yachad Shabbaton is just not complete without them. 

There is one song/cheer that has changed over my years of attending shabbatonim.  When someone gets up to start a new song, or say a Dvar Torah, people cheer “You look so beautiful, as usual,  inside and outside and all around…” The song used to end “especially your hair, and everything you wear, your shoes, and everything you choose etc. “  But, the past few years it ends, “especially your Neshama.” The first time I heard it struck me… what a perfect ending for a Yachad song!

At Yachad, all that matters is the neshama that everyone has inside. It doesn’t matter, how cool you are, what you’re wearing, whether you are in honors classes, or if you made the basketball team. It doesn’t matter if you are popular, or you aced your standardized testing or even got into the high school of your choice. All that matters is your neshama- the beautiful soul that Hashem has granted each and every one of us.  Every Yachad member truly feels that he/she has an incredible neshama because of the way they are treated at Yachad. They are treated as if there is no one better! 

And, that is why I encourage our students at Yavneh to get involved in organizations like Yachad. Because that feeling that you have an incredible neshama and no one is better rubs off on the volunteers and advisors, and frankly on the teachers who attend,  as well.  You leave a Shabbaton or a Yachad event feeling that EVERYONE deserves to be treated with respect, honor and love, as the Yachad motto aptly expresses, “because everyone belongs.” Not only is it good for the Yachad members when our students volunteer, but it is good for our children as well. One cannot help but leave a Yachad event feeling that he/she matters and can make a difference. While boosting the self- esteem of the Yachad members,  the volunteer’s self-esteem is boosted as well. It’s not just the research on the self-esteem boost that chesed causes that I quoted in last week’s column. It’s about that at Yachad our volunteer students enter an environment where no one is judged. Everyone is accepted. And, everyone is amazing. 

This past week we began an Advisory lesson in the 8th grade we call a “Quality Circle.” A quality circle is based on BRAVE- part of a bullying prevention program created by Dr. Rona Novick,  for which Yavneh was part of the research study when it was first created. Dr. Novick described how  automotive companies sit and evaluate as a team each car as each one is produced. So too, we at Yavneh,  as a group, evaluate how we are doing at Yavneh with our product- which is an atmosphere where people are respected.  Are we doing that? Are we creating a good "product”? The crux of the lesson is to have the students discuss how we are treating each other and have we created an atmosphere where all feel respected (like Yachad has!)? 

Each time we do a Quality Circle I base it on a trigger- something in either current events or in the media that relates to the topic.  This time the beginning of the lesson was a discussion about a new movie that came out recently called “White Bird” which is a sequel to the movie/book “Wonder.” The movie focuses on the boy Julian who was one of the children who picked on Auggie in Wonder.  In this movie he was expelled from his school due to his treatment of Auggie and was in a new school just beginning to navigate the social situation. His grandmother, played by Helen Mirren, has a frank conversation with him about the lessons he needed to learn from the way he treated Auggie. She does so by sharing her Holocaust survival story. To simply summarize, when she was a teen, a handicapped boy in her school, whom everyone made fun of- including her- was the one who saved her life when the Nazis popped by her school to collect all the Jewish children.  (I highly recommend watching the movie which is available to watch on Amazon Prime etc. There are some Nazi scenes, so not appropriate for younger children). 

The grandmother says to Julian in the movie,  “You forget many things in life, but you never forget kindness. Because when kindness can cost you your life it becomes like a miracle.” Kindness can truly save your life- literally and emotionally.  In addition, the grandmother points out to Julian what she (as a Jew) and the handicapped boy had in common, “We had both seen how much hate people are capable of and the courage it took to be kind.”  It is quite courageous to treat everyone you meet with respect.  R.J. Palacio, the author of the books that led to both movies “Wonder” and “White Bird” notes another commonality that the grandmother was trying to highlight between Julian’s picking on Auggie (in Wonder) and her Holocaust survival story: 

“... but also what they (Auggie, the handicapped boy and the grandmother- as a Jew) actually had in common was that they were judged for things that were beyond [their] control.”   The key to being kind is not being judgemental and being accepting or rather honoring everyone for whom he/she is. 

That is the success of Yachad. No judging. No one acts condescending or cliquey to another.  Everyone belongs! 

We are in the middle of our “Hey Dude- That’s Rude” unit with our sixth graders on manners and etiquette. The highlight of this unit is the bar/bat mitzvah behavior lesson.  One topic we highlight is the importance of being inclusive at such events. Look around the room. Notice who has no one to sit with or has a hard time joining the dancing. Invite that person in “because everyone belongs.” 

In the next few weeks we read of the story of Yoseph and his brothers. The pasuk in Bereishit 37:2, which we will read in two weeks, describes Yoseph

 וְה֣וּא נַ֗עַר אֶת־בְּנֵ֥י בִלְהָ֛ה וְאֶת־בְּנֵ֥י זִלְפָּ֖ה נְשֵׁ֣י אָבִ֑יו וַיָּבֵ֥א יוֹסֵ֛ף אֶת־דִּבָּתָ֥ם רָעָ֖ה אֶל־אֲבִיהֶֽם׃…

…as a helper to the sons of his father’s wives Bilhah and Zilpah. And Joseph brought bad reports of them to their father.

The Midrash Tanchuma Veyeishev 7 describes a special quality of Yoseph that these words are stressing:

וּמָה אָמַר לוֹ. רַבָּנָן אָמְרֵי, אָמַר לְאָבִיו, שֶׁהֵן נוֹהֲגִין בִּבְנֵי בִלְהָה וְזִלְפָּה מִנְהַג עֲבָדִים וְקוֹרִין אוֹתָן עֲבָדִים, וַאֲנִי נוֹהֵג בָּהֶן מִנְהַג אַחֲוָה, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: וְהוּא נַעַר אֶת בְּנֵי בִלְהָה וְאֶת בְּנֵי זִלְפָּה וְגוֹ'.,

What did he tell Jacob? Our rabbis maintain that he told his father: They treat the children of Bilhah and Zilpah as though they were servants. They call them servants, but I act toward them as one does to a brother, as it is said: Even with the sons of Bilhah and with the sons of Zilpah (ibid., v. 2). 

Yoseph was upset with the way the sons of Leah were treating the sons of Bilha and Zilpa. They were condescending. They thought they were better. Yoseph, on the other hand, treated them with respect “because everyone belongs.”  This is definitely a lesson to point out at the Shabbos table when you discuss the Yoseph story. 

Let us remember as parents to model this sense of “everyone belongs” to our children as well in the way we treat everyone we meet. Our children need to get the direct message from us that “in our home, we are inclusive and we treat everyone with respect.”  Every day can be a Yachad Shabbaton- in the Yavneh lunchroom, on the bus, during recess, in shul on Shabbos, at a bar mitzvah.  And, of course, let us encourage our children to get involved in organizations like Yachad where they remind us that everyone has a beautiful neshama,  as Mordechai Shapiro aptly sings (some lyrics in his song “B’Yachad” below):

I like to be with friends

And to connect with them

I like to feel that I belong 

We aren't quite the same

But really that's okay

I know that we can get along

'Cause both you and I

See the same blue sky

We're under one star

Let's bridge the distances

Forget our differences

Wherever we are

I like when people see

The good I have in me

We all can give in our own way 

Let's spread the love around

Our differences don't count

Let's make the world a better place

 We can all sing

We can all sing

We can all sing B'yachad, yachad

We're creating B'yachad

It's a special harmony

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began their “Hey Dude- That’s Rude” unit focusing this week on basic manners.

Seventh Grade:  Students focused this week on the skills of empathy. 

Eighth Grade:  Students considered what their talents are and how that related to the extra-curricular activities they got involved in in their time at Yavneh. 

Keep Kind In Mind- During Conferences And Every Day!

       This past week’s parasha is what I would call the parasha of chesed. The word chesed is mentioned 4 times and the stories therein involve chesed.  We know from last week’s parasha that Avraham was known for his chesed, and his tent always being open to all.  When Eliezer went out to look for a wife for Yitzchak he looked for a young lady who would not only offer water for him to drink, but for his camels as well- a woman of חסד. Beyond that, at the start of the parasha Avraham does the ultimate act of חסד של אמת, when he buries his wife Sarah. 

It is not a coincidence that a recent research study came across my desk this week. A research study of more than 4000 subjects conducted in Tel Aviv University lead by Natalia Kononov on the influence of personality factors on the perceptions of attractiveness reported that “people who were thought of as kind, helpful or generous- were rated better-looking by others.”  For example, in one study the subjects were told that a candidate  does volunteer work and the other group was told the person did not.  They were then introduced to the person and asked to rate how attractive they thought he/she was. All of those who were told the person did volunteer work rated the person more attractive than those who were told he did not. The candidates described as kind scored about 10% higher than those who had been described as funny and 7% higher than those who were described as smart.  The results were the same for men and women. Kononov said “Beauty really isn’t just skin deep- being a better person can make you look better too.”  

It is no wonder that Rivka, known for her deeds of chesed, was described in Bereishit 24:16  as וְהַנַּֽעֲרָ֗ה טֹבַ֤ת מַרְאֶה֙ מְאֹ֔ד- The maiden was of very beautiful appearance.

Despite the fact that being kind affects your outward appearance to others,  doing chesed is not a surface act and is not simple. As Rabbi Dr. Mordechai Schiffman writes in his article “Smart Chesed.” It is not just about feeling like doing good and doing it. He quotes psychologist Dr. Nancy Eisenberg who says “ First, we need to be able to perceive the needs of another by interpreting the situation and making inferences about what they are thinking or feeling.  Then, we need to evaluate the most beneficial course of action.  Finally, we have to formulate and carry out a plan to help.  In short, she contends, prosocial behavior requires perception, reasoning, problem solving, and decision-making.”   Doing good involves thinking. He then continues to quote Rav Soloveitchik who points out that the fact that she gave water was’t chesed. It is what she did with the water in the jug after he drank from it. Bringing it back to her house would expose her family to the germs of a stranger. The second option was to spill out the water, but that would insult Eliezer. So, she problem-solved and used her thinking skills and gave the water to the camels.  Chesed is about thinking through what the other needs. It is a cerebral endeavor.

And, therefore, it is no surprise that we here at Yavneh focus so much on involving our students in Chesed and kindness.  Just this past week alone, we had a Chesed Team event for Yad Leah.  We also had our first Kindness Raffle on Friday, where students and teachers who are nominated as doing a kindness for another are submitted to win a prize at a raffle. And, our Lost and Found committee, dedicated to returning lost items to students, got to work. There used to be a sign hanging in the gym with Yavneh’s mantra:   Stimulating the mind, Nourishing the Soul. I would like to maintain that by encouraging kindness and chesed we are both stimulating the mind and nourishing the soul. 

People often wonder, “Why is the director of guidance involved in overseeing chesed activities in the middle school?” Aside from enabling me to get to know the kids better, there are numerous benefits for the children (aside from looking prettier or more handsome 🙂) - higher self-esteem, an opportunity to foster leadership skills, to create friendships and being kind improves happiness from the “helper’s high” ! Research also indicates lower levels of stress, improved physical and mental health- all of which I have mentioned in this column before. 

As you “attend” parent teacher conferences today, let us praise our children for all they have accomplished in school. For some, there will be a lot of praise for their academic achievement.  But, let's also remember what Rabbi Joseph Telushkin said in a presentation to the Norfolk Academy he gave in 2019.  He said often children earn praise from their parents for academic achievement, sports, artistic talent and even their physical appearances.  But, he said, “I would have parents reserve their highest praise of their children for kind acts. Goodness is the very thing to brag about. We need to think in these terms and express it.”  Let us remember to praise our children when we finish conferences today for those kindnesses as well. 

One more item regarding parent teacher conferences, related to a column I wrote earlier in the year on making an effort to write “Nachat notes” to our children and their teachers. At the time I read an article, which I decided to save for today, by Emuna Braverman called “Nachas Night With The Teachers.”  She recommends calling parent-teacher conferences “Nachas Night” (or day, in our case)- which a teacher in her child’s school did. She reminds us- both teachers and parents- to not only focus on the criticism, but to remember to also focus on the nachat. Both we as teachers and parents, even when sharing an area that needs improvement, need to focus on the desire to see the good in our children. Parents sometimes ask me whether it is important to come to conferences if their children are doing exceptionally well in school. I reply “Of course! Don’t you and your children deserve to hear the nachat first-hand?!” 

Good luck today at “nachat day” conferences.  As we approach Thanksgiving, let us remember to be thankful for all the wonderful children we have- no matter what their grades are.  And, let’s not forget to praise our children for being kind…always. 

6th Grade Advisory:  Students experienced the “Middle School Adjustment Seminar” where they viewed real-life sixth grade scenarios acted out by Yavneh teachers and discussed practical strategies and solutions. 

7th Grade Advisory:  Students debriefed their Frost Valley experience and what they learned and gained over the three days and began their next unit “Operation Respect” on empathy and preparing for their visit to the homeless shelter. 

8th Grade Advisory:  Students spoke about gratitude and practical ways  to apply it to your life as we approach Thanksgiving.