This past week, during our Election Day Faculty Inservice Day, our middle school teachers had a choice of various workshops providing practical strategies they can use for students in their classrooms. I had the privilege of delivering one on Anxiety in the Classroom. One of the many issues we discussed was what students with anxiety wish their teachers knew. Based on a book by Kyle Schwartz called I Wish My Teacher Knew one strategy I recommended was that like Schwartz, teachers should hand out post-its to students every so often in class asking students to write something they wish their teachers knew. Some of the post-its in Schwartz’s book (and in the video I showed) of students with anxiety said things like:
“When I wasn’t participating it didn’t mean I didn’t care”
“It wasn’t just an excuse- I was suffering”
“I wish it was easier to have absences excused. I would rather stay home than cry in class”
“I wasn’t procrastinating- I couldn’t”
“Please don’t cold call me- it is a nightmare.”
One piece we focused on in my workshop was that oftentimes anxiety looks like other difficulties. It could look like:
Inattention and restlessness.
Being sick or out of school. (Nurse visits ).
Disruptive behavior.
Learning difficulties.
Not doing work or lack of motivation.
Avoiding group work or social situations.
Seeking validation or excessive questioning.
As teachers, we need to dig deeper to get a sense of whether the child is dealing with any of these issues, or with anxiety (or both).
Unfortunately, one thing often standing in our way is that we often make assumptions. As Sophie Riegel, in her article about her own experience with anxiety, “Making Assumptions You never know what is going on in someone else's mind”
From the outside, I look like a typical teenager. I hang out with my friends, I play sports, I go out to dinner with my family, and I go to school. Honestly, if you didn’t know me, you wouldn’t even know that I have an anxiety disorder. That’s the thing about people. We have no idea what is going on in someone else’s mind. We only know what we can see, and from what I understand, I can’t see your thoughts…This is what people do all day, every day. We see the facts and we make assumptions. We assume and assume but we are really just making up stories about each other. And the problem is, we can’t help it. No one teaches us to do anything else. In English classes, for example, we are told to infer how a character in a story is feeling. That’s making an assumption. Or if we are on a date, we are told to “read the room” before making a move. This is a good and appropriate strategy for this situation, but we are still making assumptions.
Take me for example. You may look at me and assume that I am happy because I am smiling, but in reality, I may be smiling so people stop asking me if I am OK. Or I might be smiling because I had one moment of silence in my mind and I am just trying to savor the moment.
So how can we not assume? Well, the most important thing to do is to be curious. Ask questions. Ask “how are you feeling?” instead of assuming that someone is feeling a certain way. Ask “What can I do to be helpful?” instead of assuming that what you are doing is helpful. Try to keep in mind that you never know what is going on in someone else’s mind.
We discussed the importance of “compassionate curiosity.” As Amanda Morin writes in her article How to Show Empathy to Your Students With Compassionate Curiosity it is essential for teachers to act as non-judgmental investigators -the step before responding with empathy.
Acknowledge there’s a lot you don’t know.
Ask caring questions.
Listen and observe.
Imagine the student’s experience.
Believe that every student wants to be known.
Be patient.
The easiest way to practice compassionate curiosity is to ask them what is wrong.
I shared that each student comes to school with an invisible backpack. We have no idea what weight they are carrying on their shoulders. But, it is our obligation to help them carry that weight.
So, when a student doesn’t do her homework, instead of asking “Why didn’t you do your homework?!?” You might ask, “What makes it hard to do your homework? What can we do to make it easier for you? Tell me more about why you weren’t able to do it?”
The first example of this compassionate curiosity was found in Hashem’s reaction to Adam and Chava’s sin. After their sin in Bereishit 3:9 it says,
טוַיִּקְרָ֛א ה אֱלֹקים אֶל־הָֽאָדָ֑ם וַיֹּ֥אמֶר ל֖וֹ אַיֶּֽכָּה:
And the Lord God called to man, and He said to him, "Where are you?"
Of course, Hashem knew exactly where Adam was and what he had done. But, there as the first teacher, G-d modeled for us compassionate curiosity. Ask first to find out more before you judge.
When I discussed the “invisible backpack” it reminded me of an expression in Yiddish יעדער מענטש האָט זיך זײַן פּעקל (first time quoting Yiddish in my column!)Every person has his own bundle (that he carries). Everyone has their own “peckel”- their own heavy package/bundle to carry. Everyone has his or her own bundle of troubles to carry and overcome. So, while we may not visibly see everyone’s package- they all have one. Even those who appear to have “perfect” lives have burdens to carry that we know nothing about.
In Devarim 22:4 there is a mitzvah:
לֹא־תִרְאֶה֩ אֶת־חֲמ֨וֹר אָחִ֜יךָ א֤וֹ שׁוֹרוֹ֙ נֹפְלִ֣ים בַּדֶּ֔רֶךְ וְהִתְעַלַּמְתָּ֖ מֵהֶ֑ם הָקֵ֥ם תָּקִ֖ים עִמּֽוֹ׃ {ס}
If you see your fellow Israelite’s donkey or ox fallen on the road, do not ignore it; you must raise it together.
This past week, our 7th grade began their unit on Empathy which culminates in a visit to the Hackensack Homeless Shelter. A social worker from the shelter spoke to the children about what the shelter is like and gave them an opportunity to ask questions. We ran out of time-as there were so many questions. Our students can easily understand the burden that the homeless are carrying on their shoulders- it is obvious- not at all invisible. That is a fulfillment of the pasuk in Devarim- you can see your fellow’s burden. In some ways, it is easier to have compassion when the burden they carry is obvious. (Note: We did and will discuss how many who are homeless are struggling with issues that cannot be easily seen or detected. That is why getting them not just financial help, but also emotional and physiological assistance, which may not be obvious, is more important).
Yes, we will discuss with the students, it is easier to care for another when you can physically see he/she is struggling. But, what if you cannot see it? It is your responsibility to have "compassionate curiosity” and uncover what you can do to help. That applies to our daily interactions with our peers, family members and even our teachers. And, of course, it means that as teachers and peers we need to give another the benefit of the doubt and assume something is standing in their way that we know nothing about.
I have written about empathy in this column numerous times and about how we incorporate it in Advisory. But, it struck me again as I read an article this past Shabbat, that we need to do a better job in teaching empathy for those who have “invisible peckels” - when their suffering is not obvious. In the magazine Family First in the article “Hidden in Plain Sight”, Rivki Silver, presents scenarios where people have invisible disabilities or difficulties and they are consequently judged easily. For example:
Beneath the Surface
What you see:
It’s Shabbos afternoon, and a group of mothers get together with their little ones. After one little boy pushes a little girl one too many times, her mom turns to this boy’s mother, and says, point-blank, “You need to parent your child.”
“Sorry,” mutters his mortified mother.
What you don’t see:
This boy’s mother was in the middle of having him evaluated. He was ultimately diagnosed with an extreme case of ADHD as well as anxiety. “The head of neurology saw my kid and said ‘Wow!’ ” the mom recalls.
Beneath the Surface
What you see:
A grandmother takes her granddaughter out for a manicure, hoping for some quality bonding time. But instead of smiling and chitchatting while picking out colors she wants, the girl is asking nonstop questions like, “I don’t know, should I have come? Should I not have come? Should I have stayed home? Should I have done this?” Her grandmother is at a loss — this was supposed to be such a nice outing. Can’t they just enjoy themselves?
What you don’t see:
This girl has a diagnosis of autism and anxiety. While all these conditions make life challenging, right now it’s her anxiety that’s preventing her from enjoying herself.
It is easy for us to have empathy when someone is in a wheelchair or we know someone has an obvious disability. Dr. Benjamin Miller notes instead of judging the poor parenting of the parent or the terrible behavior of the child consider,
React with empathy
“Understand that there are always things going on behind the scenes that you don’t know about. And if you think you know what’s going on — you don’t, by the way — but if you think you do, do your best to help out. Approach with empathy, from a perspective of ‘How do I support him and maybe give him a little chizuk?’
Maybe that child or parent has a “peckel” I know nothing about. How would it feel if I had to carry such a burden? Maybe there is something I can do to help him/her carry that peckel so it is not so heavy and unbearable rather than making assumptions or judging.
We should never make assumptions… or better yet, maybe there is one assumption we are allowed to make about our children, (as teachers and parents). That assumption is that they do really want to do the right thing. They do want to please. Something is standing in their way and we need to help them find it and eliminate it. As I shared one of my favorite quotes by Dr. Ross Greene with the teachers on Election Day- “Students do well if they can.” So, if they are not, clearly they cannot and we need to figure out what is standing in their way.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students continued discussing some "etiquette" and appropriate behaviors as part of their “Hey Dude, That’s Rude” unit.
Seventh Grade” Students debriefed the Frost Valley trip– focusing on what they gained and learned, and began their next unit Operation Respect on empathy.
Eighth Grade: Students discussed what visit days to prospective high schools are like and what to look for when there.
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