The Celebrate Israel Parade, Facebook and Engergizing Our Teens to "Do Something"

My children love the Celebrate Israel Parade. Each year, they excitedly dress in their blue and white and we make our way into the city. I actually must thank my parents for this 2^nd generation enthusiasm for the parade, as this excitement was palpable from the moment I can recall the first march in the parade. (Although I do not believe that my elementary or high schools marched at the time). I also recall the disappointment when the parade started enforcing the “no strollers rule” and I therefore could not march along with my students. I also have noticed the less than enthusiastic marching of some of the high school students and I wondered, “When does that excitement turn into apathy?” Granted, some students do not have full understanding of the importance of the Celebrate Israel Parade. And, true- it is the Sunday before finals and they could use the day for studying. However, this apathy concerns me since teenagers can be passionate when a cause strikes their fancy. If only we could harness this passion and help them direct it towards more meaningful causes.

Last week Mr. David Bratslavsky, Associate for Policy and Planning at the Conference of Presidents, met with our 7^th graders as part of their Advisory program. This year, as you recall, our focus with the seventh graders has been “Prepare Yourself to Change the World” as we reinforced their responsibility to “do something” when they see injustice in the world. “Do Not Stand Idly By” was the theme of this most recent unit, as the students came to understand why they cannot be apathetic bystanders when those around them-whether in another country or in their own classroom- are suffering. Mr. Bratslavsky came to do address them regarding the important role that they can play in preventing a nuclear armed Iran, as our last unit culminated in a political action project on that topic.

Mr. Bratslavsky took a different angle as he quizzed them to see how much they knew about the issues. He than asked them how many students were on Facebook. Most raised their hands. He asked them how many “friends” they had. He then challenged them with a responsibility. He asked that they each post an article or a link to a website that speaks to the issues around Iran. This can be one way that they can make a difference in an almost instantaneous way. I am going to send an e-mail to all the 7^th graders with a link they can use as I remind them of their pledge to Mr. Bratslavsky.

Interestingly enough, a research study recently came out at Harvard which explained the attraction of Facebook and Twitter. Researchers had scanned the brains of subjects when they talked about their lives and opinions and noted that the same area of the brain that lit up when they eat or earn money lit up. The more people with whom they shared their personal thoughts, the greater the activity was in that part of the brain. This explains why people feel pulled towards the social media sites as 80% of postings are people writing about themselves and/or their own opinions. In essence, Mr. Bratslavksy was asking of our young people to utilize generally “self-centered” or “narcissistic” (words the study uses) media to accomplish a “self-less” feat.

When creating the curriculum for the seventh grade Advisory program this year, I came across an organization called “DoSomething.org.” This organization is devoted to helping teens make a difference in the world. “DoSomething.org believes you have the power to make a difference. It is our aim to inspire, support and celebrate a generation of doers: people who see the need to do something, believe in their ability to get it done, and then take actions. At DoSomething.org we provide the tools and resources for you to convert your ideas and energy into positive action.” The website itself is a great tool for teens. They can have an issue of interest and they are given possible ideas of projects they upon which they can embark. The website even has a list of topics and issues from which they can choose. This organization offers two $500 grants a month for community service ideas/projects. And, the website provides a way for teens to share inspiring stories of those who attempt to change the world around them.

How can we harness some of that excitement towards our Yeshiva students? Aria Finger, the COO of DoSomething.org speaks of the importance of letting the teens know they truly can have an impact and believing in them. She then stresses that their passions may not be exactly what you would have chosen, (i.e. more pudding in the lunch program!), but go with it. Finger praises the power of peer pressure. That positive pressure to do what's right sometimes is just what they need to do what they really feel is right in their hearts. There is no greater peer pressure than arriving at the parade and seeing thousands of Jews marching right alongside you. It is worth schlepping into the City each year for our students to feel that positive “peer pressure” of telling the world that we are proud of and stand by Israel.

Where Are Our Teens Getting Their Information?

The Talmud (Berachot 62) tells about Rav Kahana, who wanted to learn the proper way of conducting marital relations, so he went and hid under the bed of his teacher, Rav. When Rav discovered him, as one might imagine, he said to him, “Depart from here – it is improper to do as you have done hiding under the bed!” Rav Kahana answered, “It is a part of the Torah, and I need to learn.” What is the meaning of this surprising and confusing story? Rav Kahana was a scholar and quite wise, and most definitely realized that it is inappropriate to hide under his teacher's bed! Yet, the message of the Gemara is that there is a Jewish and halachic way to do every act in life. More importantly, when Rav Kahana sought knowledge- he only sought advice from a Torah source- not from his friends, or “the internet.”

Do you know that 68% of all TV shows, other than the news, sports and children’s shows, contain sexual content? 75% of network prime-time shows contain either sexual dialogue or sexual behavior. And, teens- ages 13 to 15, rank TV, magazines , movies and music as the top source of information about sexuality for them.


Many of our students can be counted among those statistics. They learn about their physical and emotional development from the media- television, internet and their friends. Often, the information they gain regarding their sexuality is incorrect, glamorized or even scary. This is why I developed the Adolescent Life Workshops for our Middle School students. They have an opportunity to learn and discuss the physiological, emotional and sexual changes they go through during this time with a competent and halachically appropriate source.

This past week, our 8^th graders had two sessions. While, Rabbi Knapp began the series with the boys and I did so with the girls, we did something new this year. We felt that in addition to implementing the curriculum I designed, we wanted the 8^th graders to have the opportunity to ask any questions they wished. We felt that they would benefit from a Question and Answer session with a Torah scholar in the area of relationships and sexuality. We asked the students to anonymously submit any questions on their mind. Rabbi Knapp and I went through the questions and invited Rabbi Shalom Baum, rabbi of Congregation Keter Torah, to address the boys and Mrs. Shoshana Samuels, Yoetzet Halacha at Congregation Rinat Yisrael, to address the girls. The students were engaged and interested and comfortably asked questions. They clearly understood that the Torah sees sexuality as a normal and natural part of life which is even kadosh. Therefore, the Torah puts safeguards in place to ensure that sexuality within the context of a relationship remains special. In addition, they got the message that Torah personalities in our community can understand them and in a non-patronizing, shame-free way are always available to answer their questions. This is a lesson that will remain with them well beyond their school years, as they realize the importance of developing a relationship Torah leaders.

This message is one that they receive from us at home as well. First, when it specifically comes to issues surrounding puberty and sexuality we relay the message to them that no question is shameful or wrong to ask. If we do not know the answer, we will tell them and will get them the answer. (In addition to turning to Torah scholars, in our workshops we encourage them to turn to their parents- a major theme in our sixth grade workshops). We may need to begin the conversation with them, but they need to know they should never hesitate to approach us with anything. Second, if we do notice them watching a TV show or reading a book that contains themes about relationships antithetical to Judaism's view, we need to relay that message loud and clear. “What do you think about the fact that those two characters moved in together before marriage?” “Is it okay for those teenagers to be kissing?” These are all “teachable moments” as we make our values clear to our children.

Daddy's Little Girls Become Strong Women

 

An unknown poet, Heather Belligham,wrote:

Every time I hate something
About my nose
My weight
My face
It's your voice in my head.

To whom is she speaking? Whose voice is the one in her head telling her that her body is not good enough? Perhaps she is speaking to her peers. Or perhaps to the messages she gets from the media. Or, perhaps, she is talking about us- her parents. As parents we have the unbelieveable power to shape those voices in our children's heads. They hear what we tell them loud and clear- even if they pretend they don't. We are the voices that make the biggest impact. Our goal as parents is to change this poem around:

Every time I love something

About my nose
My Weight
My face
It's your voice in my head.

At our standing room only workshop this past week on Body Image we learned how to help our children develop those inner voices of strength. It is the "kol demama daka"- the still, thin voice, as Eliayahu HaNavi learned, (Melachim I 19:12),  where the strength and power lies. Eliyahu saw the powerful wind, smashing mountains, and breaking rocks of an earthquake. But, G-d tells him the power of G-d is not in any of those things- but rather is in a the still thin voice that followed.

We feel that our children are surrounded by powerful and noisy influences that impact on their body image and their attitudes, and we at times feel powerless. Monday's workshop reminded us that if we raise our children with that voice inside of them- that is where the power lies.

 

With Mother’s Day approaching we are reminded of the indelible impact mothers make on their children.    Dr. Sarah Roer asserted on Monday night that mothers serve as important role models, especially to their daughters, on how they feel about their bodies and their attitudes towards foods. Dr. Roer shared with us that over and over again, her clients who struggle with eating disorders point to behaviors, comments or even innuendos they perceived as coming from their mothers as changing how they thought about their bodies. (Other highlights of Dr. Roer’s dynamic presentation were sent in an e-mail to you this week).

Ironically, though, with Mother’s Day approaching I would like to take the focus off of the mothers for a moment and focus on another point stressed by Dr. Roer in her presentation. Fathers also have a significant impact on the body image of their boys and girls. It makes common sense that fathers impact on their sons, but why their daughters?

Research has found that daughters who have healthy relationships with their fathers tend to be more self-reliant, self-confident and successful and less likely to develop eating disorders. Mr. Joe Kelly, the author of Dads and Daughters: How to Inspire, Understand and Support Your Daughter writes a blog on the topic as the “dadman.” He asserts that “as the first man in their lives, fathers set the precedent of how daughters believe men see them. What do they value? Are looks a major issue? Do they see their daughters as a full ‘human’ with thoughts, feelings, interests, and principles—or simply as a girl who should look and act a certain way?”

Fathers need to remember that their daughters are looking to them to understand how they are viewed by males. And, so, he implores fathers, “What do you want her to see when she looks in the mirror? What do you want her to think when she is around boys—and later, men? Talk to her about it. Show her how you feel.”

Mr. Kelly provides some practical tips for fathers:

1. Show respect for real women of substance. Be aware of your attitudes toward women, their appearance, and their achievements. Point out the contributions women make in your community or family.
2. Watch what you say about women’s bodies. Criticizing women’s weight and appearance has become a normal activity - you may not realize the power of what you say to your daughter.
3. Be Your Brother’s Keeper. Challenge your male friends and associates when they show disrespect for women, objectify them, or make sexist remarks.
4. Promote respect for all shapes and sizes. Weightism is rampant today. Take stock of your attitudes toward overweight people. Become aware of your prejudices and work to change them.
5. Examine your own weight, eating, or body image issues. Men are not immune to these concerns, as they are experiencing more and more pressure around appearance today. Make peace with your own body and treat it well.
6. Maintain a diet-free home. Encourage enjoyment of food, moderate exercise, and a healthy, balanced lifestyle. Rules about food only backfire and contribute to eating and weight problems.
   Emphasize inner beauty. Talk about what you value in people and in her. Help her to see that she is more than an image to you.
   
7. Rid your home and work environment of anything that promotes objectifies women. Magazines like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue breed body dissatisfaction and self degradation. Many standard men’s magazines are full of demeaning images of women.
   

Oftentimes, fathers get scared away when their daughters hit adolescence and the hormones rage. It is particularly important to stay close at that time, while at the same time respecting her need for privacy. Fathers can also help their daughters by raising their sons differently. Make it clear to boys that they need to be sensitive to women and that women are more than their bodies.

Although my own father, a”h, passed away some 9 years ago, I often contemplate how my relationship with him most definitely helped shape me as a strong woman. There is more to “Daddy's little girl” than meets the eye. So, on this Mother's Day, while all the fathers pay tribute to the amazing women in their lives they should also pay attention to the “little women” they are raising to be strong and confident.

The "Mommy Wars" and Lessons for Our Teens

Mitt Romney stated that he was getting advice on women's economic issues from his wife Ann. Hilary Rosen from CNN and a Democratic party adviser responded that Ann Romney has “never worked a day in her life.” And so the battle had begun, known as the “mommy wars.” John Guardiano in Spectator.org (as reported in the magazine The Week) stated that this was part of the effort to “demean women who choose not to work outside the home.” They then go on to quote Suzanne Venker in NationalReview.com who asserted that the rearing of children is “the most important job in the world.” And, so the conflict regarding the role of women continues- even amongst members of their own gender.

In the same issue of the magazine The Week I read of Sweden's efforts to “purge gender from the language” making the society “gender neutral.” Most recently, a children's book author wrote a book called Kivi and Monsterhund. Kivi is a child- neither boy nor girl- who wants a dog. The author created a new word “hen” which in Swedish is instead of “han”- he and “hon”- she. So, Kivi wanted a dog for “hen” birthday. The word “hen” has been added to the their national online encyclopedia.

All this discussion regarding gender role demonstrates that even as adults, we struggle with gender roles and gender stereotypes. One of the “jobs” of adolescence is to figure out the role they will play- as an adult, a human being, a Jew and as a man or woman. What is expected of me? Some of the discussions we have had with them in the past in Advisory are:What does it mean to “act like a man?” What words or expectations come to mind? What are the attitudes and behaviors that are expected from men in our society? Some examples they boys come up with are “Real men don’t cry”, “Boys like sports”, “Men are the primary breadwinner:”When girls are asked, what does it mean to “act like a women” some examples they come up with are to be caring, sensitive, concerned about their outer appearance etc.

We then discuss with them that these are what we perceive to be the gender roles assigned to each gender. By these lists we are saying “All men are like this and all woman are like that” That is a stereotype. The students have an understanding of the danger of stereotypes. We learn these gender roles from the media, our families, our culture. Our job as parents is to empower our children to step out of these stereotypes if they choose to do so.

Interestingly enough, my dissertation for my doctorate was on the topic of “Girls Attitudes Towards Math and Science.” Do children expect that boys will do better in math and science? What influences this perception?

As Jews, we do know that the differing roles of men and women is part of G-d's plan. “... in the image of God He created him, male and female He created them. And God blessed them. (Bereishit 1:27-28)” The Midrash describes that initially Adam was created as an androgynous being. Then G-d separated him into two parts- male and female. (As seen in the language of the pasuk- from singular “him” to plural “them”). G-d made him into two separate and different people- each one with talents and characteristics to complement and complete the other. As Rebbetzin Tzipporah Heller stated, “Gender is a pivotal quality in each person's identity. Men and women are fully equal but different -- and that difference is good. With their own unique talents and natures they can give to one another and help each other along the road of life. God, in His infinite wisdom, created humans as two distinct genders in order to enable them to complement and fulfill each other. Each gender should appreciate and use its special strengths. Since the genders are different, it would be counterproductive to force them to conduct themselves identically.”

This is the fine balance of Ann Romney's life and that of the Swedes. On one hand, we want our boys and girls to feel that that they need not be boxed in by society's stereotypes. If a boy wants to go to cooking school- great! If a girl wants to coach basketball- great! On the other hand, there is inherent beauty and kedusha in the different kochot with which G-d created male and female as separate beings.

Parents, Prevention and Body Image

This week, I began the Body Image unit with our sixth grade girls. Despite knowing how vulnerable middle schoolers are to the “body image blues” (as we called them in our workshop), I am always surprised by their insightful comments. We discussed that one's body image is influenced by media, friends and family. That was just enough to hear them begin sharing their personal stories. “My sister is always on a diet- should I be?” “I know what it's like to be worried about how other people think you look. When I was little, I was supposed to wear a patch to school and I refused to!” Believe it or not, there were even comments like “I am happy with the way I look.” At the same time, two young ladies went back and forth arguing whether they were “fat.” While that argument distressed me, it was perfect fodder for what body image is all about.

I recently purchased a book for teen girls published by Girls Inc. called You're Amazing- A No Pressure Guide to Being Your Best Self, by Claire Musko. (Yes, most of the reading material around my house are books for teens!) Each chapter begins with quotes from real- life teens and some results of surveys they have done. “Even today, society values beauty in girls over intelligence.” - 9^th grade girl. “I feel that we are expected to be grown up now. We are supposed to dress like older girls.” - 6^th grade girl. “84% of girl said that girls are under a lot of pressure to dress the right way. 74% of girls said that the most popular girls in school are thin. 69% of girls worry about their appearance. 52% of girls worry about their weight.” She then continues to demonstrate the three influences we mentioned above through quotes. The Media- “Commercials show that guys are only interested in women that are gorgeous and skinny. It makes one think that I must look like that to be accepted or loved.” - Meghan, 16. Friends- “A lot of girls at my school are really skinny and they're the most popular girls. I'm glad I'm not skinny, but I feel jealous a lot of the time because they're so popular and well-liked.” - Melinda, 14. Family- “Some girls go from hearing about their friends' diets at school to hearing about their moms' diets at home.”

Musko states that often we hear that we need to teach girls to “love their body.” This love begins when they are toddlers. Often, girls will respond when they hear that, “Yeah, right!” There are days that they aren't happy with their bodies. So, Musko says, “I am not asking you to always love your body. I am asking you to make peace with it.” That is where the magazine Seventeen came up with “The Seventeen Body Peace Treaty,” (which we are showing our girls in school).

• Remember that the sun will rise tomorrow even if I had one too many slices of pizza or an extra scoop of ice cream tonight.-Never blame my body for the bad day I'm having- Stop joining in when my friends compare and trash their own bodies- Never allow a dirty look from someone else influence how I feel about my appearance- Quit judging a person solely by how his or her body looks- even if it seems harmless- because I'd never want anyone to do that to me- Notice all the amazing things my body is doing for me every moment I walk, talk, think, breathe...- Quiet that negative voice in my head when it starts to say mean things about my body that I'd never tolerate anyone else saying about me- Remind myself that what you see isn't always what you get on TV and in ads- it takes a lot of airbrushing, dieting, money and work to look like that- Remember that even the girl who I'd swap bodies with in a minute has something about her looks that she hates- Respect my body by feeding it well, working up a sweat when it needs, and knowing when to take a break.- Realize that the mirror can reflect only what's on the surface of me,not who I am inside.- Know that I'm already beautiful the way I am.

This topic has further been on my mind as last week I attended a meeting at the Eating Disorders Program at the Adolescent/ Young Adult Centre for Health at Overlook Hospital. While thankfully, most of our children, (they service boys and girls!), will not need their services, it strengthened my resolve to take a proactive preventative approach with our girls, before problems develop. We are trying to do our part in our Advisory programming here at Yavneh.

But, we know that this is an area where partnership between school and home is imperative.

Parents play a crucial role in the development of children’s attitudes towards their bodies and food as they build the foundation from a young age. We need to evaluate, what messages are we sending to them about our attitudes towards food, exercise, and our own bodies, and of course, the messages regarding their bodies. We know that these attitudes begin at a young age, and that these body image issues can be found in boys as well, (as I have previously written in a Parenting Pointers). We therefore invite all parents of boys and girls- grades pre-k- 8- to a Parent Workshop on Monday May 7th on the topic of: How to Raise Our Children With HEALTHY BODY IMAGES AND ATTITUDES TOWARDS FOOD. We will explore practical strategies : What we can do as parents to reinforce those healthy attitudes from a young age? What should we be doing to combat some of the negative messages our children are receiving about their bodies from the world around them? What are some “red flags” that should concern us about our children in these areas? We are proud to present Dr. Sarah Roer, a clincal psychologist, who is an expert in the field of disordered body image and eating and has lectured extensively on the how to raise children with positive body images to parents. (More details to follow within the next few days). Please partner with us and make every effort to be there.

Pesach and Treating Our Children "Uniqually"

            A Morah was discussing the Aseret HaDibrot with her students. After explaining the commandment to honor one's father and  mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" One boy  reponded, "Thou shall not kill." 

            This joke typifies the at time stressful relationships our children have with each other, and we had/have with our own siblings.  At last week's Parsha and Parenting shiur we discussed the importance of sibling relationships  in leading to exile and facilitating redemption of Pesach. In thinking about Chag HaPesach one theme that in my mind weaves through the story is that of sibling relationships.  After all, the actual Slavery began due to the relationship between Yoseph and his brothers. That is how they got there in the first place.

            Pesach most specifically typifies the importance of the family unit. We know the the Korban Pesach had to be eaten according to one's house, along with one's family. Pesach is the holiday that no matter how different our children are- whether one's a chacham, rasha,  tam or a sheaino yodea l'shol- they all sit together at the seder table.  Somehow, this chag is a unifying one. 

            Beginning with Kayin and Hevel, Yitzchak and Yishmael, Yaakov and Eisav and Yoseph and his brothers, Sefer Bereishit is replete with examples of sibling rivalry.  The story of Yoseph is one full of many questions.  We know that Yaakov gave Yoseph the coat of many colors which sparked jealousy among the brothers.  From here the Gemara in Shabbat states, “A person should never show a difference to a son amongst the sons for it was for a weight of two selaim that Yaakov gave to Yoseph more than his other sons that they were jealous of him and the situation continued to develop and our forefathers ended up in Egypt.” 

            What role do we as parents play in perpetuating sibling rivalry? To focus on two points we made at the shiur:  One area of focus is that as parents we will often see jealousy amongst our children. We are then tempted to treat all of them equally, i.e. If I get him new shoes, I need to get her shoes as well.   We should not treat them equally. We should treat them “uniqually” (That is a new word that I inadvertantly coined by a slip of the tongue during my shiur when trying to say uniquely! But, the group liked it and we voted it into our lexicon).  “When I was a little girl, I was taught that being jealous is like eyeing someone else’s gorgeous piece of luggage. You lug it home excitedly, open it up, and realize too late that nothing fits. Besides, half the stuff inside isn’t even your taste.”  What Jack needs is not what Sarah needs. And, by giving all of our children the same, we are in essence cheating them.  So, we answer, “I know you would like new shoes. But, Jack needs new shoes. You don't need new shoes. When you need new shoes, you will get as well.”Likewise, one of our children may need us to sit with him hours each night doing homework, while our daughter is thirsting for that time together, but does not need it. It would be a crime to sit and do homework with your daughter if she can do it independently. Spend time with her a different way.

                  Another point, for those of us who are panicked that our children fight too often, is that Dr. Laurie Kramer of the University of Illinois found that even if siblings fought  as children, if the pleasant times together outweighed the times of altercations, then they would tend to have positive relationships as adults.  It is our job as parents to help them create those positive memories and bonding experiences with each  other.

                  The relationship of Yoseph and his brothers ended positively.  They were now ready to begin the healing.  The “tikkun” of this Sinaat Achim continued in the relationship of Moshe and Aharon- the redeemers of the Jewish people.  We find that when Moshe was chosen to be the leader of the Jewish people, he is concerned about Aharon being slighted and Hashem states, (Shemot 4:14), “Behold Aharon your brother is coming out to meet you, and when he sees you, he will rejoice in his heart.” Only happy for him and without any envy, Aharon serves as his “right hand man.”  And, when Aharon is appointed Kohen Gadol, Moshe has that same happiness for him without any jealousy. 

                  Lack of brotherhood is what brought the Jewish people to Egypt and is often the underpinnings of most exiles.  Ahavat Achim of Moshe and Aharon led to the redemption. Only with true brotherhood could the Jewish people reach Matan Torah. As we know, at Har Sinai they were “like one man with one heart.” Brotherhood is the key to redemption.  May we merit to celebrate our Sedarim next year in Yerushalayim, the city of Brotherhood.

Facebook Parenting

“Goodnight remotes

And Netflix streams,

Androids, apps,

And glowing screens.

Goodnight plugs...

Goodnight beeps

Goodnight everyone who should be asleep

Goodnight popstars

Goodnight Macbook Air

Goodnight gadgets everywhere.”

We all remember reading Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown to our children as we tried to ease them to sleep at night. Those days of simply reading them a good story to get them to sleep are long gone. The above is not from that book (didn't sound familiar?!), but rather from a parody called Goodnight iPad written by Ann Droyd (a pseudonym for David Milgrim). In Goodnight iPad that same bunny cannot fall asleep due to all the electronic devices buzzing all around her.

Milgrim (the author) says, “I love my iPhone and my electronic drums and other music gear, and I love having so much recorded music available so easily. And streaming Netflix. All of it. It’s great.” But, he wanted to remind his audience that sometimes it is important to shut down all the technology to enjoy an old-fashioned book. “I fear that some of the simple and quieter things may get lost, in the same way the night sky gets lost to the lights,” Milgrim says. “Those simple activities like being with friends, reading aloud, and especially time spent outside in nature are critical to building a full life and establishing a sense of balance. The quiet beauty portrayed so poetically in Goodnight Moon is a perfect example. The modern world is just way too intense, even for the most sophisticated amongst us.”

In October 2011, the New York Times in an article called, “A Silicon Valley school that doesn't compute,” speaks of the Waldorf School of the Peninsula. There is not even one computer in the school. 75% of the parents have high-tech backgrounds and work in technology, and yet send their children to such a school. The Waldorf Schools' teaching philosophy focuses on “physical activity and learning through creative, hands-on tasks. Those who endorse this approach say computers inhibit creative thinking, movement, human interaction and attention spans.”A controversial and debatable topic. Yet, the message is similar- let us put the technology to “sleep” for even some time each day so that we can focus on the “human experience” of learning.

In a recent workshop, the 8^th graders were abuzz about Tommy Jordan of North Carolina who discovered that his 15 year old daughter Hannah was complaining on Facebook about her parents treating her like a slave. Jordan was embarrassed by Hannah's lack of respect and took her laptop out and shot it nine times, posting it on youtube “for all those kids who thought it was cool how rebellious you were.” Whether or not you agree with what he called, “Facebook Parenting” the clear message was that he felt that she was abusing her Facebook page and her “technological rights.” Hannah was also hiding that she had a Facebook page and her father, an IT expert, discovered it on his own.

Meghan Daum from the Los Angeles Times views this story as demonstrating that we are raising a generation that “has no shame.” Her father cringed as their private relationship was made public. Hannah, on the other hand, felt no qualms about airing her dirty laundry in public. The difference between what should be kept private and what should be made public may have been intuitive before the Facebook generation. Today's children need to be expressly taught the difference. One thing this story does demonstrate, in my mind, is that this father and daughter were not comfortable communicating with each other face to face, and were doing so instead via Facebook and youtube. If only they had put the technology to sleep, (no shooting necessary), so that they could talk to each other.

We all know the glorious successes our children can and do achieve with the technology in their worlds. And, like Ann Droyd, we are not advocating going cold turkey. We are advocating breaks and another type of “Facebook parenting.” In my mind, “Facebook parenting” does not mean retaliating against your daughter via Facebook. It means, if your child is a Facebook user, you should open an account and become familiar with the system. She needs to “friend” you, and can even show you how to use it. This is the only way you can monitor what she is doing. (Although, don't dare post on her page!) If you are on Facebook this is a way for you to talk about it with her. Communication face to face, not Facebook to Facebook, is the goal.