You Just Don't Understand! Teens and Perspective Taking

This past week, our 7^th graders experienced a program on the situation in Gaza brought to us by the Federation Shaliach, Mr. Avinoam Segal. The program included a presentation by Mr. Segal on the background of the Gaza conflict and the challenges it presents to Israel. The students were then split into six groups and were asked to take on the role of the group they were assigned. The groups were- IDF leaders, American Jewish leadership, U.S. Congress, a family in Sderot, a Gazan family and the Egyptian government. The students were then asked, “Imagine that you were, (for example), a Gazan family...What should we tell our political leaders, Hamas, about how we want our state to be?...How can we ever make peace with the Israelis?” (The different roles to play were created by a committee of administrators from the local Yeshivot, including Rabbi Penn, who brought this program to my attention). The exercise forced the students to take the perspective of the group they were assigned, no matter how different from their own, and attempt to make decisions the way that group would.

The primary goal of the program was to give them an understanding of the situation in Gaza and to launch our next unit in Advisory “Do Not Stand Idly By”- the obligation to do something when we see injustice in the world. Our students will spend the next month discussing this obligation and the reasons why people tend to remain bystanders and not get involved. They will focus on the importance of not being bystanders when it comes to global issues and when it comes to day to day issues, like bullying in the hallways or cheating. This unit will culminate with a political action project on behalf of Israel relating to Gaza.

However, as I was experiencing Wednesday's program, I realized that there was another goal. The program encouraged “perspective taking”- “when an observer tries to understand, in a nonjudgmental way, the thoughts, motives, and/or feelings of a target, as well as why they think and/or feel the way they do.” (The group I led focused on the perspective of the Egyptian government. One question we had to tackle was in light of the new Egyptian government, “Should Israel keep the peace treaty with Egypt?” At first all the students said, “Why should Israel? The new Egyptian government is not friendly!” However, we had an Israeli child in our group who said, “But, we want peace. We should keep the treaty as long as we can.” Another exercise in perspective taking. How many of our American children can imagine the perspective that an Israeli child can of the need for peace?)

In the article “Building better work places through individual perspective taking: A fresh look at a fundamental human process,” (where the aforementioned definition was found), Parker, Atkins and Axtell focus on the power perspective taking has on improving the workplace. Perspective taking is known to improve communication, enhance interpersonal problem-solving ability and lower interpersonal aggression and conflict. We know that these skills are need for successful friendships, marriages, workplace interactions and family lives. Many children who are not successful at friendships are found to have difficulty with perspective taking. And, for many of us, perspective taking it is not easy.

The authors state that perspective taking is an intentional and goal-directed process, and is not automatic or subconscious in any way. Therefore, it is an endeavor which requires effort. In fact, we know that there are specific regions of the brain that are recruited for this task. How good one is at this perspective taking clearly correlates with how much effort one puts into it. They maintain that perspective taking is different from empathy in that with empathy one can identify the emotions of the other, but will not necessarily understand why he/she feels that way. In addition, perspective taking demands that one accepts the perspective of the other as a legitimate one- without necessarily agreeing with that perspective. Additionally, perspective taking needs to be dynamic, as the views of the other may change, and therefore there needs to be updating and revising.

For those of us who have had an argument and have attempted to take the perspective of the other, we can testify it is not a simple task. A key component in conflict resolution is the ability to create solutions that meet the needs of all parties. The only way to do so is to first understand the perspective of the other party. This creates a win-win situation and avoids one party dominating the other. Couples in conflict tend to have little perspective taking.

For those of us with teenagers, much conflict in our lives is found at home with our children. In our 8^th grade Advisory program this week we began a unit on perspective taking with one's parents. We ask them to imagine what is like to be a parent and to think about your perspective. We also help them learn how to communicate their perspectives with you so that you can understand them better.

Ellen Galinsky, author of Mind in the Making , highlights the importance of perspective taking in our children. “We worry about school readiness in the U.S. Because we know that far too many children aren't ready for school. We tend to think that the solution is to increase what young children know- numbers, letters, concepts and content. But now think about those children who go to school and can't understand what their teachers want or expect. Studies show that these children are not ready for school either... We worry about children who bully or cyberbully...those children who get into fights because they aren't able to read the behaviors of others; they misinterpret what's going on...The children I have been talking about need to improve their skill in perspective taking.”

In our 6^th grade Advisory curriculum, we will be soon engaging in a lesson on how to “figure out” what your teacher expects from you- an essential skill to being a successful student and having a successful interpersonal career. Through attempting to see the teacher's perspective the student can identify the more subtle behaviors that “please” teachers.

As parents, what can we do to encourage perspective taking? We need to talk about the thinking and feelings of others. (What do you think Sara was thinking when she said that to you?) Talking about our own thoughts with our children is also helpful. (When I rushed you out the door I was worried that I would be late to work again). We can discuss perspectives in reading, movies and television shows. (Hermoine must have been thinking that she would never see Harry again- that is why...)

Ms. Galinsky stresses that perspective taking is not enough as many of our very successful con-men are excellent perspective takers. These skills needs to be couched in morality, (her word), and Daat Torah, (my words). At school and home we transmit social/emotional skills through the lens of the Torah. 

Differentiating the "Avot" Way

 As the secular New Year begins we also celebrate another beginning- the beginning of Sefer Shemot in Keriat HaTorah. We celebrated the culmination of Sefer Bereishit in our Parsha and Parenting class last week. For those who were unable to be there, we highlighted new and unique perspectives on some parenting strategies we could learn from G-d- the ultimate Parent, and then from the Avot and Imahot. The Torah purposefully does not portray our patriarchs as flawless, thereby allowing for us to better relate to their experiences and learn from them.

I want to highlight one element of our shiur last week which particularly relates to us today in 2013. The interactions of Yitzchak with his sons Eisav and Yaakov are quite puzzling. Didn't Yitzchak realize what Eisav had become and the evil path he had chosen? Didn't he realize that Yitzchak was the righteous one and through him the Jewish people would continue? How “clueless” could he have been to love Eisav more than Yitzchak and choose to give the blessing to Eisav? As I shared with those who attended, Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch, in his commentary on the Torah and in an article he wrote, provided an unbelievably progressive answer to this difficulty. Upon reading his article today, one might have imagined that he lived in 2013 instead of the 1800's.

Rav Hirsch stresses that the above story is difficult to explain. Eisav and Yaakov were born from the same womb, raised in the same home, and yet the two grow up to be as different and disparate as possible. He finds a hint in the pasuk in Bereishit 25: 27, “ויגדלו הנערים" “And, the boys grew up.” Rashi on the pasuk comments, “While they were boys, the differences in their behavior were not recognizable. No one paid any attention to the differences in their tendencies. Then, when they reached the age of thirteen, the one devoted himself to the house of study and the other to idolatry. They may be compared to a myrtle and a thistle that grew up intertwined. Only when they were fully grown did the one spread its fragrance and the other bared its thorns. As long as they were children they went to the same school, but once they were grown the one moved into the house of study and the other into the house of idolatry.”

Rav Hirsch takes this Rashi and continues, “They tell us that Jacob and Esau alike could have been preserved for their Divinely-ordained destiny as descendants of Abraham if their parents would have noticed the difference between them at an early age. They could then have reared and educated both lads for the same goal by following a different approach in each case, taking into the account the fact that these two brothers were basically different from one another. Because, unfortunately, an identical approach was followed in the rearing and education of these two boys, even through they were two totally different personalities, Jacob and Esau in manhood developed attitudes toward life that were fundamentally opposed to each other.” Rav Hirsch speaks of the modern concept of differentiated instruction. As it says in Mishlei 22:6, "חֲנֹ֣ךְ לַ֭נַּעַר עַל־פִּ֣י דַרְכּ֑וֹ גַּ֥ם כִּֽי־יַ֝זְקִ֗ין לֹֽא־יָס֥וּר מִמֶּֽנָּה" "Train a child according to his way; when he matures, he will not deviate from it." As teachers, we design our lessons so some students can learn visually, others auditorily etc. , and we keep the personalities of children in mind. As parents, we need to differentiate as well.

Rav Hirsch continues to describe that as a child Eisav's tendency was to use his physical skills and his mental agility, and he had no interest in the sedentary and cerebral life of Yaakov, (and Yitzchak). And, yet Eisav was educated without utilizing his tendencies and developed “a loathing for the Abrahamite tradition.” All that he thought entailed following that tradition was “completely foreign to his personality...The type of education he received could have only one effect: to make him yearn for the moment when he would be free to escape from the confines of the Abrahamite house of study...” I have written in the past about the “off the derech” phenomenon and why children raised in religious homes choose to leave the fold. Among the many possible reasons, Rav Hirsch highlights a common one.

Had Yitzchak and Rivka raised Eisav by showing him that traits such as physical and mental agility could be used in the service of Hashem, he would have grown to understand that his talents could play an important role and his traits would have been refined in that service.

Rav Hirsch then goes on to point out that before Yaakov's death he brings all his sons together to bless them. They all received different berachot- all differentiated. The Midrash Tanchuma 16 stresses, “But you must not think that because he assigned to Judah the strength of a lion, to Benjamin the ferocity of a wolf... that Jacob did not give them all an equal share in his blessing. For this reason it is written he blessed them each separately according to their individual personalities, but each of these separate blessings was a blessing intended to benefit all of them together.” And, we do note that Yaakov is the only patriarch who had all his sons follow the ways of Hashem.

Differentiation is not only the job of the school educator. It is a parent's job as well. We need to differentiate rules, consequences for misdeeds, and parenting styles. It is a challenge to assess what each child needs and to reinforce that treating each child equally is actually not fair. Or, as we coined a new word in a Parsha and Parenting shiur last year, as parents we do not want to treat our children equally, we want to treat them “uniqually.”

What Are Our Chlidren Seeing At The Movies?

 There's an old joke that Jewish people have Chinese and go the movies on Christmas Day. At Yavneh, our middle schoolers will have a Yom Iyun and a chesed opportunity. But, since we do have only a half day of school, perhaps some families will opt to go to the movies. The search for family movies is not an easy one.

Many of our teens are not going to the movies with us anymore, but are being dropped off at the theater with their friends. The decision of when a child is old enough to go to the movies alone with friends depends on the child. But, assume your child is old enough- how can we ensure that they are watching movies that we deem appropriate? I have heard from numerous parents that they are setting strict guidelines as to what movies their children are allowed to watch, and yet their children might say, “I am the only one who isn't allowed to see that movie!” Often our children claim that we are the only “evil” parents who restrict them, and we find that claim to be untrue.

Why are we so firm about the movies our children are allowed to see? The pasuk in Bamidbar 15:39 states,  "לא תתורו אחרי לבבכם ואחרי עיניכם "Do not stray after your heart and after your eyes” . Rashi states that “The heart and the eyes are spies for the body. The eye sees, the heart desires and the body commits the sin.” That which we view with our eyes makes an indelible imprint on our life view.

Modern psychological research has substantiated the assertion of Rashi in Bamidbar 15:39. We all know of the plethora of research concerning the impact of watching violence on TV, movies or games on violent tendencies in children.

Most recently, in studies in both the United States and Europe, teens who have high exposure to scenes of alcohol drinking in movies are twice as likely to experiment with drinking and to binge drink. The same was found with smoking. Studies at the Dartmouth- Hitchcock Cotton Cancer Center in New Hampshire found that the more children were exposed to smoking in movies, the more likely they were to try smoking. If they got rid of the exposure in movies, the risk went down by 18%. Based on this study, there are those who are trying to get an “R” rating for movies with smoking.

Another intuitive area impacted by movie watching is the teen's attitude towards sexuality. A Dartmouth University study showed the kids who watched movies with more sexual content are more likely to have sex at younger ages and demonstrate increased risk taking when it comes to sexuality. In addition to promoting sexual behavior, it is also desensitizing our teens to the promiscuity and risque relationships that have become commonplace in today's society. When I run my “Adolescent Life” workshops with the middle schoolers we discuss with the 8^th graders, (in separate gendered settings), what is their view of what a relationship should be? We then highlight how much of what we perceive relationships to be is based on what we see on television and movies, and not at all realistic. What does the media tell us relationships should be like and how does that differ from Judaism's view? I worry that our young people are growing up with images of relationships that can only set them up for failure.

(Similar findings can be found with reality shows. The Girls Scouts Research Institute recently conducted a survey that girls who watched reality shows were more inclined to focus on their appearance. Such a focus puts undue pressure on girls who are already feeling insecure about how they look. Those who watched the shows also stated that “the shows are reflective of real life and that the antics, such as lying and being mean, are normal, acceptable and ultimately the best methods for excelling in life. Some alarming results: 73% of teens believed that the shows demonstrated that fighting is a normal part of a romantic relationship. 70% said the shows make people think it's okay to treat others badly. 78% said that gossiping between girls is normal. And 63% said it's hard to trust other girls).

What can we as parents do? Clearly, the movies our teens watch affect their social, emotional, and spiritual development. We cannot preview every movie before our children watch them. But, we can visit invaluable sites like: www.parentpreviews.com and www.commonsensemedia.org. These are just two websites that rate movies based on for what age is this movie appropriate? They discuss language, sexuality, violence, sex, positive role models, consumerism, drinking/drugs/smoking and positive messages. Such ratings are essential- especially for PG13 movies. With information in hand, we can make decisions for our children. We need to do the homework to oversee that our children are being exposed to media that “ teaches responsible, and ethical behavior.”

If all of us, as parents, are checking these websites before we allow our children to watch a particular movie, we will all be in this together. We are then not the evil ones when we see a concerning review on these websites and do not allow them to watch that movie. Let us help each other as parents and support each other.

Just to provide examples, there were two PG13 movies that a number of our teenagers were going to see and see their ratings on commonsensemedia.org. (I have to admit, that I have never seen these movies- so I am taking the concerned tone from parents who have shared their concerns about these movies with me). One movie “Pitch Perfect”- “Parents need to know that Pitch Perfect -- a winning musical comedy about a fiercely independent college student -- will give teens (and adults) plenty to like. Expect some strong language ("s--t," "b-i-t-c-h," "d--k," and one use of "f--k"), drug references, and underage drinking (though it's not heavily emphasized). There's also some kissing and lots of sexual innuendo and some sexual discussion, plus several jokes about a lesbian character's attraction to other women in the group. Although the young women portrayed here are, for the most part, strong and confident, sometimes a shaming word, "slut," is used to refer to them.”

Another- “Fun Size” Parents need to know that because Fun Size is from Nickelodeon Studios and features Victoriousstar Victoria Justice and her on-screen little brother, many parents and kids might assume that it's OK for young kids and tweens... The humor, innuendo, and violence -- however comedic they might be -- are inappropriate for Nickelodeon's TV audiences, though far less raunchy than R-rated comedies like Superbad and The Sitter. On the bright side, the movie does encourage teens to look beyond the superficial when it comes to romantic partners and to appreciate and look after your family and close friends. Expect some language ("s--t" and more), underage drinking, implied teen hook-ups, and some scuffles and threats.”

But, we do realize that we cannot always protect them. We need to talk to them about our values regarding sexuality, drinking and all of the above. If they have seen a movie with objectionable elements, we need to have a values talk after the movie. Let them think about what they have just seen and why it doesn't mesh with our values. We need to talk to them before going out with friends and set the guidelines, (i.e. we need to know where they are going, what they are doing, who they are going with- and even put it in writing, if need be). We need to have the names and phone numbers of all the parents of their friends. We also need to tell them that we have the right to pop by and check on them.

Rabbi Mordechai Willig, on the above words and Rashi in Bamidbar points out that in the pasuk, the Torah places the heart before the eyes, but Rashi reverses the order saying “ The eyes see and the heart desires.” Why? Rabbi Willig answers:

“Perhaps the heart does two things- one prior to seeing and a second, after. First, the heart strays. As a result, the eyes stray, as natural curiosity takes over. This is then consistent with the order in the pasuk, as "The eyes follow the heart" (Medrash Tehillim 14:1).

Much of the expanded range of vision presented by natural curiosity is benign. Nonetheless, inevitably one's lust is aroused by what the eye sees, and at that point, the heart desires. Occasionally, a person cannot control these desires, and the body sins, as Rashi explains.”

What Rabbi Willig points out is that the impact of what one sees might be changed by one's heart – one's attitude, values etc. As parents, we need to strengthen the hearts of our children daily with the values and ethics of our family and religion. If we raise children with strong “hearts” hopefully they will know themselves when there is something they should not be seeing. That is our goal- for them to know what is right when we are not with them to cover their eyes. As Common Sense Media says on their website, “We can't cover their eyes, but we can teach them to see.”

This Past Week- Lessons in Empathy

 As we celebrate the last day of Chanukah and create memories with our children, we experience mixed emotions as we hear more details of the terrible tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut. As parents, there is nothing more terrifying. By now, you have received some information from the school about how to discuss this tragedy with your children. The most essential aspect is to validate their feelings, assure them that things like this rarely happen and describe what their school has done to keep them safe- as they all know the lock-down drills that we have been having in school. As parents and teachers we are doing all we can to keep them safe from danger.

When we discuss the holiday of Chanukah with teens, it is interesting to note that many of them have never considered the danger that children were in during the Chanukah story. We tend to focus on the victory of the Maccabees and the Chanukah oil, without focusing on the years of oppression that impacted on even the children. For example, the game of dreidel. This game developed when the Jews were forbidden to teach Torah, and moved Torah teaching to the caves. When the Greek soldiers would pass by, the children would quickly put away their Torah books and break out the dreidels. Most of our children know this story. How many of them have stopped to think how terrifying it must have been to be a child in those days?

Then there is the story of Chana and her seven sons. Again, a story that our children have been told since they were small. We focus upon how Chanukah, unlike Purim, was an effort to destroy our religion. The decrees of Purim were more physical and that of Chanukah were more spiritual. Perhaps only as parents could we stop and think about the horror of the thousands of children whose physical lives were in danger על קידוש ה.

When I speak with teenagers about the story of Chanukah, I highlight those aspects, encouraging them to imagine what it was like to be a teenager in those days. Aside from leading them to a better understanding of the miracle of Chanukah, it encourages them to develop their skill of empathy. This is the ability to “stand in the shoes” of another, rather than simply sympathizing with them from afar.

Empathy is needed for the development of all prosocial behaviors and has been associated with self-esteem, positive relationships and imaginative thinking- needed for creativity and humor. And, of course, low levels of empathy have been associated with aggressive behaviors, delinquency and poor social interactions. (There has already been a plethora of articles written about the lack of empathy in the perpetrator of the horror in Newtown). Empathy is therefore the mainstay of our 7^th Grade Advisory curriculum.

As our 7^th grade parents already know, this past week, our 7^th graders visited the Hackensack Homeless Shelter and had the opportunity to converse with the residents and deliver warmth packages of hats, gloves and scarves. This visit was the culmination of over a month of preparation in their Advisory classes in a unit called “Operation Respect.” In their classes they discussed what empathy is, and practiced the skills needed for empathy so that they could in fact put themselves in the shoes of another. More important than learning the skill of empathy is the ability to have empathy that motivates us to perform empathic behaviors.

During the week of Chanukah, when much focus is placed upon, “What will I be getting this week?” students were asked to focus on another person rather than on themselves. What does it feel like to be homeless? Could I imagine the pain they must be going through? Now that I feel their pain- what am I going to do differently? I will quote what I wrote to the 7^th grade parents last week:

 “The students have been preparing for this visit for the past month, and
yet they tentatively walked off the buses excited and feeling
simultaneously nervous.  Moments later, when the first "guest," (as
residents of the shelter are called), entered the room our students
sprung into action.  The students had split into groups of 2-3
students and each group approached one of the guests, handed him/her a
warmth package and began to converse.  We had discussed in their
training in Advisory some possible topics of conversation and the
students confidently asked guests, "What sports teams do you root
for?" "What's the last movie you've seen?" or "Where did you grow up?"

Before we left,  Mrs. Julia Orlando, director of the Shelter,
addressed the students. She said that more important than the guests
receiving the hats, gloves and scarves was the feeling they had that
someone actually cared enough to have a conversation with them.
Especially during this time of year, when they have no homes and many
have no family  they have no hope. We have restored some of that hope
to them.

Students shared how inspiring the visit was for them. I was inspired
by watching our children.  This is the first time we have done this
visit during Chanukah. I think this was the perfect opportunity to
relay to our students that it feels wonderful to receive the many
gifts they tend to get this week, but it feels even more wonderful to
give.”

In discussing their visit upon their return, students emphatically stated that this experience in empathy will cause them to act differently, (at least for a time!). They will appreciate what they have more. They will remember how lucky they are to have a family and to have hope for the future.

Chanukah can be a lesson in empathy. (How lucky are they to live in a time period where teenagers are free to learn Torah without fear! Will I now view my Torah learning differently?). A visit to a homeless shelter can be a lesson in empathy. (Let us appreciate what we have! Will I now express my thanks more often?). Even a tragedy in the news can be a lesson in empathy. (Hug your family members tight and don't forget to say, “I love you.”). Our students have learned empathy is worthless if it does not inspire us on to action. 

The Power of the Upstander

The news this week focused on the tragic story of Ki Suk Han, a 58 year old man who was pushed to death on the subway tracks in New York City. The past few days have been filled with discussion about whether the man could have been saved by the 18 people who were standing on the platform. Chris Cuomo, ABC 20/20 anchor, wrote on Twitter: 'Man pushed onto subway tracks. Some wave at train to stop, others take pics of man. No one goes to help him? What am I missing?'

It is not our place to imagine what is like to be the witnesses to such a terrible event. However, imagining the role of the bystanders is a discussion we have with our students. We discuss the story of Kitty Genovese in 1964. Ms. Genovese was stabbed twice about 100 feet from her apartment and her screams were heard by several neighbors. 38 neighbors came to their windows and not one offered assistance. No one even called the police. Some even saw the perpetrator return as she lay dying and stabbed her several more times. Finally, someone called the police. This story led to an area of research in social psychology called the bystander effect or “Genovese syndrome.” Why do people witness injustice and do nothing to help?

There are various possibilities we discuss with our students. One idea is that the bystanders may be afraid that some harm may come to them if they intervene. Research also indicates that the more bystanders there are the less prone bystanders are to intervene. We call this “diffusion of responsibility” as each person assumes that someone else will do something. Another possibility is that bystanders are looking around and noticing the reactions of others around them trying to ascertain if they should intervene. We commonly call this peer pressure.

Students can all relate to situations like this. Have you ever been on the playground and noticed someone being teased and not do anything? Why? Do the above reasons apply to why we as bystanders do not take steps to intervene? Are we sometimes worried about the negative ramifications of getting involved? The focus of our training when it comes to issues of bullying is to stress the important role the bystander can play. It is the bystander that has the power to ensure that injustice is stopped. In the periodic Quality Circles that we run in our Advisory program we focus on what we are doing in Yavneh to ensure that we as bystanders create an environment where everyone feels safe.

We highlight with the students that the power of the bystander is a Jewish ideal. This is the essence of the mitzvah in Vayikra 19:16 as it states, “לא תעמוד על דם רעך" “You shall not stand idly by when the blood of your fellow man is being shed.” We even do an activity with them

What Would You Do In This Case?

This is a true story of an event that happened years ago. What would you do if you were confronted with this situation?

Years ago, in a country in the Middle East, a young man who grew up in a wealthy home was walking in the fields. He grew up with everything he could ever have wished for- servants serving him night and day, the finest cuisine and no need to work a day in his life.

As he walked the fields, he noticed a poor group of people working hard to build some buildings. It was hot, as the Middle East can be, and they were sweating hard. No water, just some dry bread was their food. One of them attempted to slow down for a moment, and their boss took at a whip and literally beat him senseless.

This young man could not believe his eyes. Never did he see such cruelty. But, really- was it his business? It did not affect him in any way? Did he want to get involved in something that had nothing to do with him? Who needs the headache? It wasn’t even someone he knew or even cared about. And, if he does get involved- maybe he might suffer the consequences. And, no one else seemed to care that these workers were being beaten- why should he? And, if he steps in, life might get worse for the worker or even the other workers.

And, so he thought for only a split second- as if something came over him- and he confronted the boss and attacked him. He would never stand by and allow such injustice to happen again.

He then realized that someone might prosecute him for what he had done. So, he ran away.

Who is this story really about? What would you have done in this case?

The need for the bystander to intervene is the story of Moshe when he went out to the fields and killed the Mitzri beating the Jew- despite the risks.

This is  also the message of the Maccabees.   When  the Syrian Greeks "bullied" the Jews, the Maccabees stated "מי לה' אלי"- "Whoever is for Hashem, come with me.”  Have the power to resist the peer pressure.  Don't just stand there and allow injustice to happen. Stand up for that which you believe. 

 

What can we do to help our children become bystanders who make a difference?

1. We teach our children what they can do as bystanders. They need not confront the perpetrator directly. They can tell an adult. They can befriend the victim. They can distract the bully. These are all techniques we teach them.
2. If our children tell us of a story of a child being victimized we need to stress the importance of their getting involved and doing something to stop it. This is a theme that we can stress in other teachable moments (i.e. the subway story above).
3. Being an active bystander does not only apply to cases of bullying. It also applies to any time they see wrong being done. (If I know there is rampant cheating in a class, should I say anything?)

Our goal is for our children to not just be bystanders but to be “upstanders” who stand up for what they believe in.

The Lottery- Do Good Things Come to Those Who Wait?

 Now that Cindy and Mark Hill of Dearborn, Missouri have come forward to claim their Powerball winnings, I guess it is final- we didn't win. The other big winners from Arizona, as of press time, have yet to come forward. I wonder what they are waiting for. Some months ago I heard on the news of a man who waited months to come forward with his ticket. The news anchor said, “That is what we call delayed gratification!” His comment got me thinking. Winning the lottery is the antithesis of delayed gratification.

Fox News had a roundtable on the topic The Lottery- The death of delayed gratification. People don't want to work hard for their money anymore, they asserted. Rather than start a business and work hard for years to build it up, they want to win the lottery.

In the book Drive: 9 Ways to Motivate Your Kids to Achieve by Janine Walker Caffrey, she highlights this reality amongst today's children. She calls one chapter in her book “Resist the quick fixes of the lottery, game shows and reality tv.” Teens watch American Idol and “assume that everyone who was successful in the business had a big break and fail to realize that making it in the music industry requires a lot of hard work and perseverance.” The same with the show Extreme Home Makeover. They watch people, (although well-deserving), being handed their homes on a silver platter. They then get the message “wait for someone to give them things instead of understanding their own power to make things happen.” And, then there is the lottery. We purchase our tickets and speak about what we would buy if we win. “If only we could win the lottery!” If your child hears that message repeatedly, she really will make the assumption that the way to material goods is the lottery, Caffrey maintains. She will understand that she cannot attain these wonderful things unless she wins them. In other words, she is helpless to alter her financial status except through some lucky kind of windfall.

This belief that people are helpless to change their status without luck has a detrimental effect. “People who believe they are helpless to change their situation do not have any motivation to make things change. Reality TV and lotteries have created a sense of ... helplessness.” Caffrey also states that lotteries also create feelings of entitlement. “Children are inundated with images of people getting things just because they want them.” A student can purchase papers and answers online. A person can lose weight if he takes a pill. We need to teach children to patiently wait for want they want and work for it.



This sense of entitlement is pervasive in our world of technology. The fast pace of technology has robbed our children of patience and perseverance. David Greenfield, the founder of the Center for Internet and Technology Addiction, compares e-mail to playing a slot machine, (or playing the lottery). “The hit when you get a good e-mail is like the hit of winning money. It provides instant gratification. Today's teens demand instant gratification. Everything must be immediate and now! Movies on-demand, instant messages, instant music downloads- all is accelerated. “Because many things have come easy... they aren't always willing to pay their dues. Some educators and employers worry that their work ethic isn't as strong as that of previous generations and that they are willing to cut corners and even cheat in school to get what they want now.” Weight gain has also been tied to the inability to delay gratification, as with greater self- control, one can better resist unhealthy foods. (I often consider the halachot of meat and milk and notice that they enforce the need for waiting to eat something one might really want. So, after eating meat, even though that chocolate bar looks delicious, I must exercise self- control. Even saying berachot before eating forces one to stop and think a few moments before eating- not just stuffing oneself immediately with the food of choice. And, of course, the laws of Kashrut in general force us to say, “No” to ourselves, even when a food is very tempting. And, in the other realms of physical need, the laws of Taharat HaMishpacha, serve the role of delaying gratification).



The need for instant gratification underlies most addictions, whether to drugs, gambling or even internet addictions. In his article, “Gotta Have It Now, Right Now,” Ronald J. Alsop quotes an English professor named Harold Schweizer who stressed the importance of waiting – as it can be “regenerative and restful, as well as a time for inspiration and fresh ideas.” In his classes, he has incorporated pauses and waiting times.



How do we encourage this ability to delay gratification in our children?

1. We make them earn their privileges (i.e. cellphones).
   
2. We praise them when we see they are practicing self- control and are able to wait for what they want.
   
3. We encourage them to take the time to think before they answer or discuss.
   
4. Those who attended my Tu B'Shevat parsha and parenting shiur last year might remember the famous Mischel marshmallow study where children were told they could eat a marshmallow right away or wait (delay gratification) 15 minutes and could then get two. Children who were able to wait showed increased success in school and overall in life. They recently redid that study to consider what made some children delay while others needed instant gratification? They found that children from stable families, where parents generally delivered what they said they would, were more prone to wait. “Beliefs about the reliability of others' behavior inform children's decisions about whether to wait for a better reward.” A child's ability to delay gratification depends upon his assessment of the reliability of the adults and world around him. Our job as parents is to send the message to our children that if they wait, they will get what we said they would. We will deliver. They can depend on us.
   

Hurricane Sandy Resolutions

In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy there are numerous “teachable moments” to share with our children. Mr. Charlie Harary, in his article “Hurricane Sandy: The Aftermath” shares numerous lessons to be learned. He also makes four resolutions:

1. Every day, notice one thing in my “normal” life and be grateful for it.
2. Dare to be great. Every day, set one goal beyond my perceived limitations and go for it. Push to see how much potential I really have.
3. Each day, hug each kid, tight. Pick a family member to call to say I love you.
4. The next time I have an opportunity to give, I will just give.

This is an impactful exercise to practice with our children. “What did I learn from the past weeks of Hurricane Sandy? What will I now do differently?”

With the Thankgiving season approaching, Mr. Harary's first resolution hits home. He shares a story, which will resonate with those of us who have grandparents who are Holocaust survivors.

“I remember when I was 16 years old. I was home one Saturday night with nothing to do, moping around, feeling sorry for myself when my grandparents came over.

'What's the matter?' my grandmother asked.

'I'm having a bad night, my plans unraveled and I have nothing to do,' I kvetched.

My grandmother, who at my age was in Auschwitz, commented, 'Boy, what I would have given to have nothing to do when I was your age.'

Enough said. Checkmate. Perspective gained.”

We spend so much time yearning for objects we do not even need, when life is normal. We do not appreciate what we have until it is lost. Each morning can and should be filled with the realization that we should be grateful for the normal, everyday things. When we awaken, we first say “Modeh Ani”- thanking Hashem for giving us life. Do we ever stop for a moment to be grateful for that “normal” waking up? When we teach our children the Beracha of “Asher Yatzer” to say when they leave the bathroom, (as thanks to G-d who created their body with their “plumbing” working correctly), that is exactly what we mean. Only those who, G-d forbid, lose that ability realize the importance of thanking G-d for the ability to go to the bathroom.  Even when saying 100 berachot a day, we can focus our attention and think about how grateful we are. In Hebrew, gratitude is “hakarat hatov'” - recognizing the good. It is a challenge to recognize the good we already have.   “Every day, notice one thing in my 'normal' life and be grateful for it.”

Another resolution I would make, stemming from our Sandy experiences, is related to a column I wrote last year about a day to “disconnect.” When we lost power at my home, we all gathered together in the same room with mattresses on the floor and read stories by flashlight. We spent more time together in the next week- undistracted by television, e-mail, phones and the other distractions in our lives. This was “quality time.” Aimee Lee Ball, in her New York Times article “Hurricane Sandy Reveals a Life Unplugged” concurred that, “But the storm provided a rare glimpse of life lived offline. It drove some children crazy, while others managed to embrace the experience of a digital slowdown. It also produced some unexpected ammunition for parents already eager to curb the digital obsessions of their children.” (She contined to add that Michelle Obama shared that her technology rule during the week for her children is no TV, cellphones or computers during the week except for homework.) “It's like coming off of drugs. There's a 48 hour withdrawal until they're not asking about the TV every other minute. The storm offered a nostaligic return to childhood amusements that don't require batteries.” (Although, it is interesting to note that Hurricane Sandy and its aftermath were the most instagrammed news event ever, with more than 800,000 pictures posted). Hurricane Sandy reminded me to resolve, “Every day, make some time to disconnect and be with my children and family.”