Resiliency- The Secret to Being a "Survivor"

If you grew up in the 80’s, the word “Survivor” means a band from the 80’s famous for their “Eye of the Tiger.” For those who are growing up in this decade, “Survivor” is a reality show where contestants are stranded in the wilderness and compete for prizes. For me, the word “Survivor” conjures up images of my grandparents who were Holocaust survivors. The word survivor conjures up the unfathomable strength and resiliency needed to continue on and begin life anew

Being the generations growing up in the world of Survivor the band or Survivor the reality show, we and our children can’t really comprehend what it means to be the survivors that my grandparents were. G-d forbid, would we have had the strength of character and the resiliency to be the survivors they were? They faced incredible challenges and losses, and yet bounced back

However, our children need those resiliency skills, as they will inevitably face challenges in life and will need the resiliency skills to be “survivors” as we ll. Whether failing a test or breaking up with a boyfriend, life is full of small disappointments, (which don’t feel so small as they are happening). And, unfortunately, many face bigger losses in life. I often speak to children who are truly survivors as they weather difficult life circumstances with grace and fortitude.

A more recent story of survival to which our children can better relate is that of Adrienne Haslet-Davis. She is a survivor of the Boston Marathon bombing. She is a professional dancer and ballroom dancing instructor who has been dancing her whole life. Adrienne was walking around the area with her husband, who had just came back from Afghanistan. The bomb went off four feet from where they where. She needed to have her foot amputated. When she woke up from surgery her family knew how painful it would be to tell her. Dancing was her whole life. But, Adrienne asserted, “I will absolutely dance again and do whatever it takes to get there.” In fact, the show Dancing with the Stars plans to feature her recovery and will have her perform live on the show.

What is the secret to being a survivor? It is the difference, as we demonstrate to the students in Advisory, ( in the unit we call “When Life Gives You Lemons”), between an egg and a bouncy ball. The bouncy ball – the harder you bounce it the quicker it bounces back. The egg- the harder you throw it, the quicker it shatters. There are two types of people in life. Raw eggs - who shatter when faced with an obstacle. And, then the bouncy ball people who can face obstacles and bounce back. The key is resiliency.

What are the steps and skills needed for resiliency? Two weeks ago, our 7^th graders met a real-life example of resiliency as Mr. Yitzy Haber came to speak about his life experiences. Some of you may know Yitzy as he is one of the “shnitzel guys” who runs the “ruach” at Bar Mitzvahs. You may see him in the middle wearing a florescent suit and doing something crazy with the boys to get them into the simcha. I met Yitzy for the first time when I invited him to Yavneh a few years ago to teach the boys simcha dancing. A few days after he left, someone forwarded me an article about his life. (You can read this article at http://www.aish.com/sp/so/A_Leg_to_Stand_On.html).

Yitzy was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 11 and at the age of 13 had his leg amputated and has a prosthetic leg. Incredible, I thought. The man makes a living from dancing with boys at smachot all on a prosthetic leg. This is a prime example of “when life gives you lemons... make lemonade”- perfect for our unit in Advisory. (For those of you who know me, you know that I look at everything in life in terms of how I can fit it into Advisory!) So, I invited him in to speak with the students, thinking he'd share how he made it through tough times. I did not expect to be laughing along with the students at most of his presentation. He has an incredible way of creating humor out of dark situations. And, there the students saw how he coped with difficult situations- through utilizing humor- a wonderful strategy. Our 7^th graders will spend the next month learning the skills and strategies for resiliency and bouncing back.

What can we as parents do to raise resilient children? There are four basic areas of strengths needed for resiliency. First, children need to know that they have relationships that are dependable and people to whom they can reach out when they have troubles. Second, they need the coping skills to not be overwhelmed by their emotions when upset. Third, they need to have the competence and confidence to problem solve. Fourth, they need an optimistic and hopeful outlook on life.

There are various ways to strengthen those four components. As parents, we play a significant role. 1. Relationships- the relationship with ones parents is the most important one for a child. It was easy to have communicative relationship when they were younger. Now that they are teens, they are distancing themselves and even challenging our authority. We need to put more effort into strengthening the relationship. No matter what they do or say we relay the message that we are always there for them in challenging times. Children also need to learn the skills of reaching out to others in their lives. For example, when a child is having a hard time in a class, we encourage him to reach out to the teacher instead of doing it for him.

2. We can teach our children from a young age some positive coping skills to utilize when they are upset. Most importantly is the focus on positive self-talk and reminding oneself of positive messages when in trouble. “I can do okay. I have done so in the past, and I will do so again.” Directly ask your child what would he say to a friend who was in the same difficult situation? He should then say the same to himself. Things like a sense of humor, the ability to distract oneself, activities that tend to be soothing are all ways we can model and teach to our children coping skills. We need to help them learn how to deal with stress most simply by helping them discover activities or strategies that help them feel better when they are stressed.

3. When children feel that things simply happen to us and are beyond our control, they cannot achieve true competence. When they feel that they can control and make things happen in their lives, they achieve competence. Through fostering independence, assertiveness, perseverance and problem solving skills we help our children feel competent. We do this through authoritative and not authoritarian parenting. Authoritative parenting is when we set reasonable limits and use fair consequences while at the same providing some freedom with guidance. Authoritarian parents are overly harsh and rely on control. Therefore children only learn how to obey. This parenting style does not foster self-discipline and the ability to make good choices.

4. Optimism is not in-born. Children can learn the skill of optimistic thinking. As I mentioned in a previous column, optimism is not an illogical and unrealistic positive attitude. For example, if Sam is not a particularly skilled soccer player, as a pessimist he would think, “The coach hates me. I'll never be good enough for him. And, besides, I'm really not an athlete.” As an optimist he might say, “True, I'm not as athletic as some other kids, but with lots of practice and maybe a few more inches by next year, I can be a valuable member of the team.” As parents, we can gently challenge their negative thoughts and provide a positive one instead. The more we model optimistic thinking the better.

Being resilient parents helps us raise children with resiliency. Our children learn how to “make lemonade” from us. 

Instagram- Facebook for Tweens? Keeping Our Teens Safe

One month ago, just miles away, in Ridgewood, New Jersey, a sexting scandal made the news. School officials had heard that nude pictures of two girls were circulating amongst the students. The girls had used an app called Snapchat to send pictures to two boys. This app is meant to delete images moments after they are received. The boys, however, quickly captured these pictures and posted them on Instagram. The photos are now there for eternity. Middle and high school students were then given a deadline. Whoever had these photos on their devices had until Monday to delete them or face criminal charges. (This was the case in a similar situation in Clifton where a girl was charged with distribution of child pornography for posting images of herself. Such a charge could mean 17 years in prison and registration as a sex offender). Parents could face legal consequences as well if images were found on home computers beyond the deadline.

Instagram should be familiar to most parents. In fact, many of our sixth graders have Instagram accounts, despite Instagram stating it is for 13 years of age and older. (It is easy for someone younger to create a profile). Instagram is an app that can be downloaded to take pictures, add special effects and then share the on different social media sites. Instagram is like “Facebook for tweens.”

What are some of the dangers of Instagram? The picture is out there for all to see – even predators. Profiles are public by default. The must be set to private. If our children have accounts we need to make sure they are set to private.

Children can also come across inappropriate pictures- nudity etc. Instagram relies on its users to report posts of sexual nature, and does not monitor the pictures that are circulated. And, even if a perpetrator is caught and his account is blocked, he can easily a new username and continue posting inappropriate photos.

There is an option that allows people to share exactly where the photo was taken- geotag. It must be disabled. In fact, there is a PhotoMap option where if photos are tagged with a location, the viewer can find the location on a map. It is therefore imperative that the photos are private, as only approved viewers can see that map.

Then, of course, there is “cyberbullying.” In one Middle School, a student was posting pictures with the text “I only post your photo if you are ugly.” Viewers of photos can leave comments. One can imagine some of the comments left by those intending on bullying others. Cyberbullying is seen by hundreds of people instantaneously. Perpetrators can bully another without having to look the victim in the face.

Unfortunately, as with all texting and internet use, there is the possibility of children utilizing these technologies on Shabbat and holidays. We hope that none of our children are involved in this Chilul Shabbat, but we need to be ever vigilant as parents.

As parents, we need to be “in the know” and stay vigilant. I know it's uncomfortable for those of us who are digital immigrants to monitor all that our children are doing. We need to try. As with all technology, we have rules for technology use, incorporate security software, (there are programs out there for Instagram monitoring), we monitor them closely and keep lines of communication open. We also need to be aware of the apps our children are downloading.

We remind our children that everything they post on-line is permanent. When we tell them to only post appropriate pictures, an appropriate picture is one you would feel comfortable being shown to your entire school with your teachers in the room.

What should they do if they come across an inappropriate picture or text- on Instagram or on-line? They should not delete it and should quickly show it to you. First, there are ways to block and report a user. There may be a need to contact authorities and the evidence is essential. Most students who delete inappropriate photos or language do so because they are afraid their parents will be angry at them. It is essential that we make it clear to our teens that no matter what, we will always protect them.

This past week in 6^th Grade Advisory, we began a unit on cell phone safety, sexting and cyberbullying. The unit was designed with the input of sixth grade students. I owe much thanks to Chloe Schreiber and Eliana Fried for co-designing the lessons with me! Chloe and Eliana shared with me some of the issues being faced by their peers, and guided me in what aspects we needed to cover. We then trained sixth grade student to co-lead the lessons with their Advisors. We asked the students to think seriously about many of the issues I mentioned above. We shared practical tips on how to face the challenges that come along with having access to technology. (Not all issues regarding technology have to do with issues above. For example, we will discuss how technology may distract them from their homework and may cause grades to suffer). We had them think about some of the rules you have set for them regarding technology use and to consider if and why they are important to their safety. The lessons will end with a technology use pledge which their peers will have them sign regarding safety rules we have discussed. We find that since many of our students are first getting cell phones in sixth grade, they often get overwhelmed by the excitement of having a device, and do not use them wisely.

As our 8^th graders get close to graduation, (they know how many days are left!), we are spending time in Advisory on lessons that relate to challenges they will face in high school. This past Thursday, some graduates of ours from Frisch came to run discussion groups with them about those challenges. No matter what high school a child has chosen issues like peer pressure, time management, workload, parties, friendships etc. are all more intense in high school. The high school leaders spoke about how they dealt with the pressures and gave our students the opportunity to ask questions. It was wonderful to see our graduates return to Yavneh. They make us proud!

As I followed the investigation to catch the Boston bombers, it struck me how the use of technology made the investigation possible. Hundreds of people were videoing the moment of the bombing from their phones, providing important leads to investigators. When I was in Middle School, we didn't even have cordless phones! Today's teens are faced with a world of opportunities and challenges we could never have imagined when I was their age. Armed with the messages relayed at home and at school, we hope our children are prepared for all that is out there.

Parenting Pointers- Do Not Stand Idly By

The weeks after Pesach are traditionally full of days of commemoration. Our middle schoolers are of an age when days like Yom HaShoah, Yom HaZikaron and Yom Haatzmaut can begin to be understood. They have entered, according to Piaget, the developmental stage of Formal Operations where they can begin to abstract, hypothesize, and ponder concepts such as evil and justice. They are beginning to enter Kohlberg's Conventional stage of moral development where they are moving beyond “what's in it for me” and and learning to look out into the society around them to make moral decisions.

On February 1, we commemorated the tragedy of the Shuttle Columbia carrying the first Israeli astronaut Ilan Ramon. At the time, a PBS documentary called “Space Shuttle Columbia- Mission of Hope” aired and focused on the life of Ilan Ramon and the shuttle. After I saw this film, I ordered it thinking that it would be perfect to show to our students in Advisory near Yom HaShoah. Why? What does Ilan Ramon have to do with Yom HaShoah?

Ilan Ramon was the son of a Holocaust survivor. His mother was a survivor of Auschwitz. The film shows Ilan displaying items he has chosen to take with him up into space. He takes with him a picture drawn in Theresinstadt called “Moon Landscape” by a 14 year old boy named Peter Ginz who perished there. He also brought a mezuzah. But, the focus of the film is the miniature Torah he brought with him given to him by Joachim “Yoya” Joseph- also a survivor . “Yoya” was the head scientist of the project that was selected to be sent into space.

Upon visiting Yoya months before the trip, Ilan noticed a miniature Aron Kodesh and asked what it was. Yoya shared that in Bergen Belsen, separated from his parents, Rabbi Shmuel Dasberg approached him and told him he was going to make him a Bar Mitzvah. He taught him to layn and brought out the mini Torah at the “service.” Rabbi Dasberg was doubtful that he would make it out so he told Yoya to keep the Torah and to promise him that he “will tell the story” of this Bar Mitzvah and what they went through. Ilan was touched by the story and asked to take the Torah on the shuttle. Yoya agreed. From the shuttle, holding the Torah in his hands, Ilan stated, "This Torah scroll was given by a rabbi to a young, scared, thin, thirteen year old boy in Bergen Belsen. It represents more than anything the ability of the Jewish people to survive. It represents their ability to go from black days, from periods of darkness, to reach periods of hope and faith in the future." The Torah did not survive the explosion of the space shuttle. Yoya, however, stated, “ I have finally fulfilled my promise to the rabbi- more than I thought was possible.” (We did speak to the students about relating to the contrast between their Bar/Bat Mitzvah celebrations today and his. It spoke volumes to them about the true meaning of become a Bar/Bat Mitzvah).

The film ended that Ilan did indeed fulfill his last mission. His mission, according to the film, was to show the continuation of life, that there can be hope and the Jewish people can survive. My own grandparents, Holocaust survivors, could never have imagined a Jew representing a Jewish state in space. We then challenged our own students to consider, “What is your mission in the year 2013 after the Holocaust?” We thereby empowered them to think about making an impact as Jews.

Our 7^th graders have been learning about the impact that they can make in the world as well in the past weeks. This past Friday Congressman Scott Garrett visited Yavneh Academy and met with our 7^th grade students. Congressman Garrett addressed them and they then made a powerful presentation. They presented him with a piece of art- a rose crafted by an Israeli artist Yaron Bob. Mr. Bob sculpts roses and other art from actual Kassam rockets that landed in Israel, “symbolizing the perseverance of the people of Israel. They have thereby transformed objects of war into expressions of peace.” Proceeds of this project go to build more bombshelters in Israel to protect its citizens. Watch this two powerful, short videos which depict their project and their mission

:http://www.rocketsintoroses.com/slideshow.html,http://www.rocketsintoroses.com/videos/cbn_video.html.

 

They had been spending the past month focused on the Advisory unit "Do Not Stand Idly By" where they focused on their obligation to not be bystanders, but rather "upstanders," when they see injustice. This skill relates to interactions in their school, (i.e bullying), community and the world at large. We focused on the power of political action and the impact that even they as teenagers could make. They had learned about the scud attacks from Gaza into Israel and this meeting with Congressman Garret was their way of being upstanders. They spent a ½ hour asking questions of Congressman Garrett regarding the attacks and various other questions such as gun control, healthcare, and Iran. Our 7^th graders were incredible as Congressman Garret engaged them in conversation, and they were able to reply respectfully with confidence. This visit with the congressman and the presentation of this beautiful rose to be displyed in his office, were ways that the students could practically implement that which they had learned in Advisory, and fulfill their mission. (Please note: You received a flyer and order form via e-mail about the Flowers for Shavuot fundraiser the 7^th graders are running to pay for the rose they presented to the congressman and to donate to the organization supporting victims of scud attacks).

Our students learned this week that it is not enough to mourn about the Holocaust. It is not enough to be saddened on Yom HaZikaron. It is not enough to celebrate on Yom Haatzmaut and revel in the miracle of Medinat Yisrael. We have the obligation and the mission to not "stand idly by" and play a role in the future of the Jewish people.

Pesach and Helping Our Children Reach Their "Potentials"

The hero of the Pesach story is clearly Moshe. Interestingly enough, the beginning of Moshe's life is surrounded by anonymity. In describing the marriage of Moshe's parents, the Torah does not record their names. Rather, it says, "A man from the house of Levi went and took a daughter of Levi" (Shemot, 2:1).  Why doesn't the Torah identify who these two people are?  Perhaps the Torah specifically did not want to mention Moshe's lineage in order to show that in Judaism one does not have to come from a special lineage to be a leader. Rav Zalman Sorotzkin in his Oznayim Le Torah similarly says that every Jewish child that is born has the possibility of becoming a leader of his people. Every child has “potential.”

When are Amram and Yocheved identified as being the parents of Moshe? Only once he was an adult and he accomplished great feats. Rabbi Moshe Feinstein explained that when parents have a talented and/or gifted child they often assume that he will excel due to his inborn “potential.” As parents, we know that that is not true. A child could use his G-d given talents for the wrong. We need to raise a child to go on the correct path. Even Moshe, who we know according to the Gemara in Sotah 12a, was at birth worthy of prophesy, born circumcised and when he was born the room filled with light- even Moshe's future was not guaranteed.

This message is reflected in the Haggadah with the Four Sons. All children are born with “potential,” and depending on how they are raised in combination with their temperaments, they choose different paths. Metaphorically, Chametz and Matzah are the same ingredients. One is allowed to rise, and one does not. In potential, they are the same. It is the path that is chosen for them that makes all the difference.

The message for us and our children is that of positive self-esteem. We are all born with the ability to achieve. We can all be Moshe. Everyone has the ability.

However, some teens may find this dishonest. They know it is our job as parents to tell them they can do anything. (Yeah, Mom. You have to say I'm smart! You're my mom!) But, the reality is that there as some things they cannot do, (i.e. the chances of a petite woman as myself being a championship basketball player are slim!). The answer is in another piece of literature that involves Moshe Rabbeinu. I can still recall being told the story of Reb Zusha as a seventh grader. It made such an impact. The chasidic tale tells of Reb Zusha. “He was known for the simplicity of his lifestyle and his inspiring humility. He once told his disciples, 'When I die and face my judgment I do not fear the angels will ask me whey I was not as spiritual as Moshe. I will simply tell them Moshe was a soul so much greater than my own. Nor do I fear they will ask me why I was not as kind as Avraham. If they do, I will tell them that Avraham was unique in his capacity to do chesed. How can you expect so much of me? Nor do I fear they will ask me why I did not compose songs to G-d as David. If they do, I will say, ' How can you compare me to the 'sweet singer of Israel''? But, what I do fear if that they will ask me, “Zusha, why were you not Zusha?” and for this I will have no answer.”

All that Hashem asks of us is that we utilize the gifts, talents and life circumstances He has given us to do our best in being the best we can be. This is another encouraging message to relay to our children when faced with struggle. Did you try your best? It is also an important value to share. Never settle for mediocrity. When you work on a project, or attempt any sort of endeavor, are you just “trying to get by”? Most importantly, when it comes to being a better Jew- are you just trying to get by or are you trying the best you can?

You may know that when our students in the Middle School celebrate their Bar/Bat Mitzvahs in school I meet with them and ask them to identify a Mitzvah or Midda they would like to improve now that they are accepting the yoke of Mitzvot upon themselves. We want our students to think seriously about the fact that in Judaism we constantly work at achieving our “potentials” and at becoming the “Me” we were meant to be.

Peer Pressure and the Exodus

The Jews were redeemed from Egypt because they stood up to “peer pressure”! It says in Vayikra Rabba 32:5 that they were redeemed due to the fact that they did not change their names, their clothing and their language. Despite the corrupt influences all around them, they maintained their Jewish identities and did what was right.

We know that most decisions of our teens are influenced by their peers. In fact, research at Temple University attempted to ascertain why teens who are generally good make bad decisions when they are with their friends. Participants, (young teens, college students and adults), in the study were asked to play a video game that simulated driving and asked them to make decisions about slowing down at yellow lights or speeding up while in a a brain scanner. Half of the time they were told that friends were watching them play in the other room. Young teens ran about 40% more yellow lights and had 60% more crashes when they knew friends were watching. “The regions of the brain associated with reward showed greater activity when they were playing in view of their friends. It was as if the presence of friends, even in the next room, prompted the brain's reward system to drown out any warning signals about the risk , tipping the balance toward the reward. The presence of peers activated the reward circuitry in the brain of adolescents that it didn't do in the case of adults,” said Laurence Steinberg the author of the study. This effect of peer pressure was even felt when friends were in the other room- without any coercion!

We, therefore, in our Advisory program have had three programs this past week that focused on the negative and positive influences of peer pressure.

Reflections

Our 6^th graders experienced the Reflections program. Reflections is a Teen Improvisational Theater program run out of the Bergen County Division of Family Guidance. Actors from local high schools are trained to do “improv” on social/emotional topics to present to younger students by Mrs. Staci Block, their director. Together with Mrs. Block we planned this year’s program to cover the topic of Peer Pressure, as the students are in the middle of a unit in Advisory on Friendship and Relationships. Students were able to volunteer to act, and interact with the actors as they acted out two scenarios- a child feeling peer pressure to misbehave in class and a child feeling peer pressure at his own house to go against his parents’ house rules. Our own Elie Fried, Max Krantz, Eliana Suldan and Adam Varnai played the roles of teachers, parents and students in the improvisational scenarios- without any practice! Our sixth graders were able to relate to the scenarios and were able to identify with pressures they often feel to do the wrong thing. We discussed the strength it takes to stand up to peer pressure and how to effectively do so. Reflections allows students are able to get the message in a humorous and creative way.

Rockets into Roses

Our 7^th graders are in the middle of a unit in their Advisory program called, “Do Not Stand Idly By”- the importance of acting when one sees injustice – whether in one’s school or even at the world at large. We have discussed how to do what what is right in spite of peer pressure to do the wrong thing. Students have learned that Political Action is one way they can act when they see injustice. As part of this unit, the students learned about the rocket attacks from Gaza into cities in Israel, as presented by Mr. Avinoam Segal, the Shaliach from the Federation. Since that program students have been learning the skills of what it takes to be an “upstander” instead of a bystander when one sees wrong happening. This unit is culminating in the students taking what they learned and putting it into practice. They will partner with an organization called United for Israel that sponsors the Rockets into Roses program, as presented by Mrs. Nomi Haberman. Yaron Bob, an Israeli artist, creates metal art sculptures and jewelry out of Kassam rockets that have landed in Israel. He crafts beautiful roses with the message perseverance and transforms objects of war into objects of peace. Please see the following links for a taste of their project:

 http://www.rocketsintoroses.com/slideshow.html ;

 http://www.rocketsintoroses.com/videos/cbn_video.html

All proceeds from the sales go to building shelters and supporting those who have suffered attacks. The seventh graders will be raising money to purchase a rose to present to a local politician along with letters they have written about the need for America to understand the daily fear Israelis feel regarding potential attacks and to request their standing by Israel. Stay tuned as we update you about the project in the coming weeks.

JCC – Teen Leadership Conference- Middle School

Fourteen of our 7^th and 8^th graders were privileged to attend the JCC Teen Leadership Conference for Middle School students on Friday March 1^st. The topic of the conference, coordinated by the JCC and the Bergen Family Center, was Tolerance and Standing Up to Bullying. The entire conference was planned and implemented by a committee of middle schools students from eight schools. Two of our own 8^th graders, Dina Jawetz and Jessica Orski, played a significant role in planning the conference. The topics addressed at the conference through hands-on interactive workshops were cyberbullying, the emotional effects of bullying and bullying intervention. The effect of peer pressure on bullying and the importance of being “upstanders” were also highlighted. Students also had the opportunity to question a panel of adults who were once bullied. It was a unique opportunity to interact with students from other schools and put our heads together to target this problem. The slogan of the conference was “Be the change.” Students came away knowing that they have a responsibility to go back to their schools and represent all that they learned by “being the change they wish to see in the world.”

It says in the Haggadah, “B'chol dor v'dor, chayav adam lirot, et atzmo kilu hu yatza mimitzrayim” “In every generation a person is obligated to see himself as if he himself left Egypt.” Through focusing on peer pressure and its challenges our students are emulating the yotzei Mitzrayim who stood up to the “peer pressure” that surrounded them.

On This Purim, Is Your Wine Glass Half Full or Half Empty?

Just when you think you have lost the game, and there is no hope, as the other team is “shmearing” you 24 to 2, you hit a homer. And, then the next player, and then the next player- both home runs. Your team's luck continues and no one strikes out for the rest of the game! Then the other team is up, and you strike out one player after another. Your team wins! It's a miracle!

Just when you think the villain is going to triumph, and the end is near, suddenly salvation appears. It's a miracle! The sheer simcha on the holiday of Purim is unparalleled in any other Jewish holiday, (despite there being a mitzvah of “V'samachta b'chagecha” on Sukkot). We had great salvations on Pesach too- but the happiness and joy felt on that holiday is not the same. Why?

It is this sudden change of events- from the depths of despair of Haman's evil plan to the extreme victory of the Jews which creates this joy. It is the “V'nahafoch hu”- and it all turned around, and in the blink of an eye Hashem can change the future.

Purim represents the concept of never giving up hope as everything can turn out right in the end. On Purim, according to the Gemara Megilla 7b, we are to get to the point where we do not know the difference between “cursed be Haman” and “blessed be Mordechai.” This is to remind us that evil is often a passing phenomenon, and although it looks like it is gaining power, appearances can be deceiving. “V'nahafoch hu”- it all is the opposite of what it appears.

Purim is the holiday of hope and optimism. We know that the research on optimism indicates that people who are optimistic and hopeful are indeed happier, experience less stress, are more successful, healthier and even do better in school and sports. It makes perfect sense that Purim is the joyful holiday.

Dr. Martin Seligman is well- known for his research on optimism. He states the difference between people who give up when “the going gets tough” and those who persevere is the difference in how people explain bad and good events. He is famous for his “learned optimism” which clearly indicates that one is not born an optimist or pessimist, but it can be learned and taught. An “optimistic explanatory style” (the half-full syndrome) is essential for this outlook. The pessimist explains bad things that happen as permanent and pervasive in every area of his life. He says that his failures are due to some lacking in himself and not just due to situational factors. For example, when the baseball player strikes out he says it is because he has no skill, which can never change, and he is not good at any sports. When good things happen to the pessimist, he tends to describe them as temporary and only related to this particular area. For example, when the baseball player hits a home run, he says- it was a fluke and will never happen again. The optimist, on the other hand, explains a negative situation as temporary and narrowly focused to that event. He describes positive situations as permanent and pervasive. He sees his successes as due to something positive about himself and failures due to situational factors.

How does one teach optimism? By consciously thinking what an optimist would think intuitively. With practice, a pessimist can change those negative patterns of thinking. This is not permanent. Things can change for the better- “V'nahafoch hu.”

How can we as parents help our children be more optimistic and have that V'nahafoch hu thinking (I new psychological term!) ? The teenager years are particularly a time which is prone to pessimism as teens are changing “hormonally” and tend to be more irritable. Pessimistic teens tend to be more aggressive, depressed and are more likely to use alcohol and other drugs. Cindy Jett highlights some effective strategies:

1. We can help them develop a positive explanatory style. When confronted with a challenge assist them in seeing that it is not a reflection of their own personal worth and could be situational and temporary. When they have successes focus on what they did to achieve that success. It wasn't simple good luck.
2. Challenge catastrophic thinking- This type of thinking is when we imagine a catastrophic outcome. Words like “never,” “always”, “everyone” and “no one” are key signals for this type of thinking. “No one wants to be my friend.” Help them develop a more balanced view.
3. Encourage gratitude- This is a great way to teach them to see the glass “half full.” When we focus on gratitude we are training ourselves to focus on the positive. We can even share with each other what we are grateful for on a weekly basis- and not just on Thanksgiving.
4. Teach your child to be proactive- Since pessimists feel they are powerless to change their situations they do not even bother trying. This leads to helplessness and even depression. When our children share with us a situation that is making them unhappy help them brainstorm practical things they can do to make a change.
5. Model optimism- Children tend to develop the explanatory style of their parents. We need to work on being more hopeful. Watch out for how you explain negative events. When the kugel comes out burnt say, “The oven temperature was too high.” Rather than, “I am a terrible cook.”
6. Prepare for setbacks- As adults we know that most new experiences in life have bumps. Teens do not yet have the experience to know that. So, for example, before entering high school we may prepare them (without scaring them!) with some of the challenges of freshmen year. When they do suffer a setback, be realistic and help them stick to the facts, identify their strengths, (perhaps in other areas), and offer some explanations so they don't catastrophize. Stress the ability for improvement and what can change. Set goals for the future.

Being hopeful does not mean that one lives in the clouds and is not in touch with reality. Hope provides us with a mindset we can set up strategies to achieve our goals, and that increases the chances that we will actually achieve those goals.

In our Seventh Grade Advisory curriculum we spend on entire unit on “When Life Gives You Lemons- How to Face Adversity,” and we train the students in this power of hope and positive thinking. As believing Jews, we are able to be even more hopeful than the average person as we have “bitachon” - trust in G-d, as it says in Berachot 10a,“Afilu cherev chada munachat al tzavaro shel adam al yimnah atzmo min harachamim” “Even if a sharp sword is placed on a man's neck, he should not deprive himself from the quality of mercy.” Hashem does step in and creates a “V'nahafoch hu” situation.

The Sefer Otzrot HaTorah states that when we are faced with challenge the Yetzer Hara makes every effort to get a person to diminish his bitachon. (Is that our inner voice telling us to be pessimistic?!) The Baal Shem Tov says that that is specifically the time we should work on strengthening our bitachon. Bitachon may be more powerful than Tefilla. It says in Tehillim 32:10 “V'habotecah b'Hashem chesed yesovevenu” “He who trusts in Hashem, kindness surrounds him.” (Is that self-fulfilling prophecy? If I think things will go wrong, they will. But, if I think things will go right, they do).

On this Purim day, may we take the joyful lessons of hope that Purim provides and apply them to our daily lives. 

The "Har-bowl" and Parenting

How can any self-respecting psychologist, sitting at her computer the week after the Super Bowl, contemplating her “Super Bowl” column, pass up on the Harbaugh brothers story? For those who did not follow, John Harbaugh, head coach of the Baltimore Ravens, and Jim Harbaugh, head coach of the San Francisco 49ers, were the first siblings in history to face each other at the Super Bowl - otherwise known as the "Har-bowl."  When asked about the potential rivalry, each sibling denied it. Jim said, “That's my brother on the other side. I love him and I care about him very much.” And, we all watched the anticipated interaction between the brothers at the end of the game. There was a handshake, and John stated that , “I told him I loved him, you know, good game, and he said 'Congratulations,' you know, 'I'm proud of you.'” (There has been some post-game discussion about why they did not hug).

We have heard much in recent years about the Manning brothers and their close relationship. How about Venus and Serena Williams? They seem to get along well. What is their secret? One would actually imagine that since they were involved in the same sport, the competition would be intense. It goes against what one might intuitively think about sibling rivalry- allow each to specialize and excel in different areas to lessen the competition.

There has been some research on sibling athletes in the British Journal of Sports Medicine. One aspect of the study indicates that in actuality, two siblings being trained by the same coach is actually good for their athletic success. “Interestingly, good friends trained by the same coach will not see the same results as blood relatives in that environment. 'Siblings tend to look upon each other as competitors differently than how they look at other competitors,' says sports psychologist Christopher Carr, who consulted with American athletes at the Beijing Games. 'It actually has a way of relieving some of the externalized pressure. And in a way, they can be happier for a sibling's victory, as opposed to a stranger's, even when it's at the cost of their own success.'”

The Harbaughs', Mannings' and Williams' parents were able to raise children who while competing were able at the same time to be happy for each other. Again, what is their secret?

As parents, there are some ways we can encourage this bond. We need to give them positive opportunities to play with each other. We are so busy arranging “play dates” for every free moment of their time, that we forget the importance of children staying home and playing with their siblings. There are many a Shabbat when I am happy that I did not make plans for my children, as they have the opportunity to enjoy each other. The same with family trips. I want them to have shared experiences which are so important for life-long bonds.

But, it is essential for the time they spend “playing” together that their positive interactions outnumber their negative interactions- the research on ratios. One research study on interactions between siblings indicates that it is important to find things they can do together that they both enjoy, even if there is a gap in age or not much in common. As parents, if we can find a little time each day for them to share a positive experience it is life-changing. The key is that the positive experiences should outweigh the negative ones. Therefore, we also need to limit the time they spend together when we know they will fight.

When they are fighting- particularly for teens- we need to try not to intervene. When they are younger, we model for and train them in the steps of conflict resolution. Often, we just cannot win when we intervene, as someone will be seen as the “favorite.”

We also can encourage more kindness to each other when we catch their positive interactions and comment on them. “I really appreciated the way you helped your sister carry her bag...”

Children need to feel a part of something greater than themselves. Family is the place where they will always belong. Family traditions, rituals, and practices that only someone who grew up in your house would do are great ways to reinforce this sense of belonging. So, in our home, for example, we might sing a tune to Shalom Aleichem that no one else does. Additionally, children easily pick up the message, “In our home, family is important. We may not always get along, but we are always there for each other.” We cannot choose our siblings as we do friends- that is what makes this relationship unique. The relationship with our siblings has the longest duration of any relationship. Siblings have a shared history. We need to remember that friendships (and Super Bowl rings) come and go, but sibling relationships are permanent.