Memorial Day And Memory

            As we commemorate Memorial Day and remember all the heroes of our nation,   I consider that the Jewish people are the “People of Memory.”  As Lesli Koppelman Ross writes in her article, “The Importance of Remembering,” “It is memory that has allowed us to last through thousands of years of history. Our religion and our people are founded on the collective memory of revelation at Sinai. Scripture throughout commands us to remember: Remember the Sabbath day (Exodus 20:8), observe the Sabbath as a reminder of the Creation (Exodus 20:11) and of the Exodus (Deuteronomy 5:15); remember, continually, the Exodus; remember what the evil Amalek did… All those memories define us and help us keep focused on the goal of our national mission. As the Baal Shem Tov (the founder of [Hasidism]) taught, “Forgetfulness leads to exile while remembrance is the secret of redemption.”

            In fact, as Mendel Kalmenson points out in his article “History Or Memory?”, in Hebrew, there is no word for “history,” as the word “הסטוריה” is clearly straight from the English, which was from the Greek.  He points out that the absence of the word in the Hebrew language indicates that there is no such thing as “history” in Judaism, rather there is זכרון- remembering, found numerous places in Tanach and Jewish thought. “ It goes far beyond semantics, cutting straight to the core of Judaism’s perception of the past.  You see, “history” is his-story, not mine. The first two letters of “memory,” however, spell me. Memory is a part of me, and history, apart from me Without me there is no memory.  Put differently: History is made up of objective facts, and memory of subjective experience.”

            And, so, Kalmenson continues, that Judaism in not interested in recalling dry facts, but rather in “reliving” experiences.  That is why there is so much reenactment in Judaism. We don’t just commemorate, we remember. We don’t just recount someone else’s story, we relive our own. Some noted examples, the seder, sitting in the sukkah, sitting on the floor on Tisha B’av or staying up all night on Shavuot.  Kalmenson continues to explain that revelation of at Har Sinai itself substantiates this “memory.” We were all present at Har Sinai- all present and future souls.  This is different from other religions where G- d only reveals Himself to the prophet, upon whom they must trust to relay exactly what he heard. G-d was not simply the G-d of our fathers, but rather the G-d that we each heard from ourselves.  In Judaism every person- to the lowliest servant- heard G-d. And, G-d addressed each one of them, “Anochi Hashem Elokecha” - and not elokeichem.  As each one of us lived the event at Har Sinai, “it turned our nation’s most seminal event into a living memory as opposed to a lifeless history.”

            The last mitzvah Hashem gave to Moshe was the mitzvah that each person should write his own sefer Torah, which was to recreate the personal Divine giving over the Torah to each Jew . And, the last conversation Moshe had with Bnai Yisrael was instructing them of the mitzvah of Hakhel- when all people, even infants, would come to hear parts of the Torah read on Sukkot.  Hakhel was to reenact Kabbalat HaTorah. And, so the Torah becomes a living experience. It was not someone else’s history or story, but their own.

            Clearly, memory, (not history), plays an integral role in the perpetuation of Judaism. It plays an important role in parenting as well.  Sarah Chana Radcliffe, in her article “ Say It With Cheesecake”  speaks of the unusual focus on cheesecake on Shavuot while we should really focusing on the Torah we received.  She notes “The custom to eat delicious dairy, which keeps our attention focused on the seemingly mundane, physical aspect of our existence, allows us to understand a higher spiritual concept. Clearly, our teachers wanted us to enjoy learning our lessons.”  Radcliffe notes that our rabbis knew what psychologists just recently confirmed- that emotional memory enhances learning. The more intense an emotion is when learning, the more one is prone to recall what is learned. 

            The same is true with parenting as well, states Radcliffe.  If we want our children to recall rules or values we put into place, we need to create positive emotional experiences around the learning.  She uses the example of asking our children hundreds of times to stop leaving their shoes in the front hall and use the shoe rack.  We need to create an emotionally charged lesson for the correct behavior to be imprinted in their memory. The example she then bring is: Let’s say your son’s favorite food is cheesecake. If you place a slice of cheesecake in a container on the shoe rack, and tape the instructions to the container, “1. Place the container on the floor. 2. Put your shoes in the spot where the container was. 3.  Take the container to the kitchen table, open it, and eat.  Enjoy!”  This enjoyment will be ingrained in his brain,  and after a few more  similar emotionally charged lessons he will remember to put his shoes in the shoe rack.  Why not a negative emotionally charged moment- i.e. screaming at him? That actually reduces learning ability, and negatively impacts on the relationship.

            Similarly, embarrassing a child to get him to toe the line, won’t work either.  Embarrassment has an interesting effect on memory, notes Melissa Dahl in her book Cringeworthy.  Psychologist James Danckert notes that we relive past embarrassments.  With other emotions, like boredom for example, we can recall feeling that way, but the feeling does not come back with the memory.  But, with embarrassing situations, when you recall it, often “you get embarrassed all over again.” There is the sort of memory to which Rabbi Kalmenson referred- reliving the moment, but not positively in this case.   We, therefore, need to be all the more careful when it comes to embarrassing our children. Those memories never fade.

            Memory does affect our own parenting strategies and techniques in other ways.  According to the journal Psychological Science the difference between parents who are able to keep it cool when their children are involved in frustration causing behaviors and those who lost it is the difference in their working memory.  “Parents with less developed working memory are more likely to lash out at their children in moments of frustration.” Working memory is the memory system that pulls up and temporarily stores the memories necessary to complete a task. When parents are able to quickly pull up past experiences and reflect upon them, they are more easily able to stay calm in aggravating situations. Memory enables us as parents to keep calm and carry on.

             And, of course, childhood memories impact on a child’s development, even if he/she cannot actively recall the event.  We as parents can influence the type of memories our children will have.  Kitty Black, in her article “Can Parents Influence Childhood Memories” cites that children who are raised in the Maori culture have earlier and more detailed childhood memories. This is because the practice of telling children stories about their past.  Parents who converse with their children often are more likely to have children who have memories with rich detail.  These conversations should highlight their feelings about an event and not just the details. Asking them questions about the event also forces them to tell the story, which adds to the permanence of  that memory.  There are also implicit memories which are imprinted in our brains, even if we cannot actively recall them. Even implicit memories can impact on our development- positive or negative. 

             How can we determine the the memories our children retain will be positive?  Memories tend to showcase a critical childhood relationship, says Black, and typically between a parent and child. “Experiences were remembered more frequently than toys, and the most ordinary interactions were remembered more frequently.  Daily occurrences that highlighted a special relationship were more likely to make the cut than a one- off big ticket item or trip.  It doesn’t matter what you provide to your children as long as you give them pieces of your heart and your time.  That’s what they’ll remember.” They may not remember all the details, but they will remember that they are loved.  

            One last piece of research on memory this Memorial Day.  In past blogs we’ve discussed putting away technology when “making memories” whether on family trip or other experiences.  There has been research on “digital dementia” that impacts even teenagers today, indicating that those who rely heavily on technology may actually suffer “a deterioration in cognitive abilities such as short term memory dysfunction.” In the article “Digital Dementia: The Memory Problem Plaguing Teens And Young Adults,” Dr. Carolyn Brockington said that one reason they suffer from poor memory due to technology use is they do not feel the need to memorize information anymore due to overuse of technology.  “We’re not relying on our brains to sort or retrieve the information when we need it.” The less you use your short term memory, the more difficulty you will have with it.   High smartphone use has also been linked to “reluctance to spend energy on thinking” or “cognitive miserliness.” 

            Memory clearly impacts on our connection to Judaism,  development and even our parenting styles. On this Memorial Day may we remember to parent with memory in mind.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade;  Students went over the finals- what they are, their purpose, how to best prepare and the actual schedule,  and planned a tentative study schedule.

Seventh Grade; Students coordinated our amazing BIG- Buy Israeli Goods weekend to fight BDS and to not stand idly by.

Eighth Grade;  In preparation for our 8th grade dinner, students wrote  “compliments” about their classmates which will be made into labels that will be in the sefer they receive from the school.  

Thoughts About Fortnite For Our Children

There has been much talk in the news of late of Boston Red Sox pitcher, David Price, and his not being able to play due to carpal tunnel syndrome.  At the root of this condition, according to some, has been Price’s obsession with Fortnite- the online multiplayer game, which apparently had become quite popular among baseball players.  While Price and some other medical practitioners maintain that Fortnite is not the cause, he has stopped playing to quiet all the talk.

As someone who works with middle schoolers, the news struck a chord as many of our students are “addicted” to Fortnite as well.  Since this game was released last September the game has been downloaded more than 40 million times.  What is Fortnite?  “It’s a mass online brawl where 100 players leap out of a plane on to a small island and then fight each other until only one is left. Hidden around the island are weapons and items, including crossbows, rifles and grenade launchers, and players must arm themselves while exploring the landscape and buildings. It’s also possible to collect resources that allow you to build structures where you can hide or defend yourself. As the match progresses, the playable area of land is continually reduced, so participants are forced closer and closer together. The last survivor is the winner.”

Although, as we see with Price, many players are adults, due to its cartoonish quality, one might imagine that many players are children- even as young as six.

             I do feel bad pointing this out as I know  how much our children are enjoying this game, but we know that most research studies point to the fact that playing violent video games does correlate with “real-life aggressive behaviors and less pro-social behavior.” And, there is also the potential of the addictive nature of this game, (ask your children how many hours a day they spend playing).  Aside from the unhealthy nature of any addictive behavior, the amount of time taken away from sleep and homework is not healthy as well. There is also a social component as it is played in teams which also reinforces its use.  And, of course, it is free, which adds to its use among children.  Psychologist, Dr. Catherine Hallisey stresses, “There is the issue of opportunity cost where time spent playing an online game is taken from other activities which have been shown to increase happiness such as in-person play, social interaction, physical activity, time spent in nature... A 2012 study used brain scans to show that playing violent video games has the potential to desensitise gamers to real-life violence and suffering.  When that is combined with the still-developing frontal lobe of adolescents, the negative potential is increased. The US Army uses these types of games to recruit soldiers [and] to train them."

A British school went as far to issue a warning in their school newsletter about Fortnite.  “We have been notified about a number of concerns relating to a free online game called Fortnite, mainly played on game consoles.  Concerns relate to its lack of security, enabling others to hack into home computers and its format leading to children becoming addicted leading to unhealthy increases in screen time. We encourage you to investigate these concerns if it is being played by your child.”

Additionally, the game has an online chat feature, which could expose children to inappropriate language from strangers. There are parents who claim that their children’s personalities have changed since playing the game and are more agitated than usual.  

Experts would state that as it comes to any issue ‘This is about parents taking power back from the video games and setting boundaries. It’s about teaching self-control.”

As I spoke about the substance addiction evening that I attended a few weeks ago in a previous column, there is also such a condition known as “internet gaming disorder”- being addicted to video games. (This condition is often tied to ADHD and depression). In brain scans, those with IGD  have brains that look like brains of those who are addicted to drugs or gambling, according the Child Mind Institute.  The signs of true addiction include: craving something, needing more of something to get the same "high," and withdrawal when a user can't have it. People who are addicted to something ignore signs that the substance or activity is damaging their lives. They may lose friends. They may stop doing schoolwork. They even stop taking pleasure in the substance or activity itself. “ What is the difference between a true addiction and simple “problematic use?” If kids are having problems keeping up with schoolwork, chores, and activities, help them get back on track with some limits. If kids truly cannot control themselves -- they sneak their phones, feel bad about their behavior, lose friends, or stop other activities including schoolwork -- they may be showing signs similar to addiction. In either case, establishing and reinforcing a balanced approach to media may help.

            As we know, it often comes down to setting limits. As we approach Shavuot we realize that this the beauty of the Torah- it sets limits.  In Shemot 32:16 it describes the לוחות upon which were written the Ten Commandments.

טז) וְהַלֻּחֹת מַעֲשֵׂה אֱלֹקים הֵמָּה וְהַמִּכְתָּב מִכְתַּב אֱלֹקים הוּא חָרוּת עַל הַלֻּחֹת

"And the tablets are the work of Elokim, and the writing is the writing of Elokim, carved onto the tablets."

Midrash Rabba 41:17 on these words states:

"Rabbi Yehudah said: Al tikri charut - Do not read charut/carved, ela chairut- rather read chairut/freedom."

  At times, we may feel that Torah is a burden, but we are not truly free without the Torah. Without mitzvot we are enslaved to our Yetzer hara, desires and animal instincts. In essence, the “burden” liberates us. Hashem wants the path to pleasure to be difficult or else we’d be out of control.  If we could eat anything we wanted we would become gluttons.  If we could have relations with anyone we wanted it would destroy the moral fabric of our homes.  So, too, our children need limits to free them from the addictive nature of gaming, and other addictive behaviors. 

Advisory Update;

Sixth Grade; Students focused on the cellphone dangers that include bullying, sexting, and particularly instagram use.

Seventh Grade; Students began learning about the bystander effect and why people tend to do nothing when they see injustice or danger happening to another.

Eighth Grade: Students viewed the movie the Wave which talks about the impact of peer pressure in the context of Nazi Germany and their own lives.

Substance Abuse In The Jewish Community- Where Have We Been?

This past Sunday evening I joined hundreds of fellow Bergen County residents at a standing room only event to raise awareness of the addiction and substance abuse in our community.  I salute the Formans, who came forward with their family’s story and spearheaded this effort.  Rabbi Larry Rothwachs through his important article in The Link and his stirring presentation Sunday evening, has challenged our community to speak about this issue facing OUR children- all of them.

As I sat in the audience, I sadly thought “There’s nothing new here- why don’t people know?  Why are people still surprised? Why do we still need to do this? ” In 1999, Kirsten Danis, in an article in the New York Post already wrote, “Addiction: Secret Shame of Orthodox Jews.” In that article, she mentions the formation of the organization MASK- Mothers Aligned Saving Kids to run support meetings and referrals for Jewish “Kids in trouble.” The group’s founder states, “People just did not know what to do. We don’t sweep it under the carpet anymore.” This was 1999. Nothing new here.

Around the same time,  about 20 years ago, when I was working in a yeshiva high school, the principals of local BJE high schools joined together to discuss the substance abuse problem in our yeshiva high schools.  They decided that no school could do substance abuse programming alone, as no one wants to be identified as the “drug school.”  So, they agreed that their guidance staff would meet together to create a substance abuse awareness week in all of our schools at the same time.  These schools were in Long Island, Brooklyn, Manhattan, New Jersey.  We, as guidance staff, met together and created workshops and programs for students and parents, and were proud of this initiative. 

This was just the beginning.  As the years progressed high schools implemented social/emotional curricula- including substance abuse workshops and programs.  (As colleagues, we then decided that sharing resources as mental health professionals in schools was so vital that we would form a group we called the Yeshiva Counseling Network.  We still do meet to share ideas, resources and training).  Even in our 8th grade we do a substance abuse unit with our students. 

In 2008, Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, a specialist in addiction, wrote, “We live in a society that is awash in drug use. Drugs are everywhere- even in Torah institutions...Children from the nest families may use drugs.”

At that time, (in 2008), our Yeshiva Counseling Network guidance group joined forces with the Orthodox Union to form a Safe Schools pact to assert the importance of creating and maintaining a substance free environment through proactive student education, parent education and partnership, and  appropriate responses to substance use.  This was spurred on by an incident at the time where police raided a party of Orthodox Jewish teens hosted by an 18 year old student where there was drug and alcohol use. 42 teens were arrested, some as young as 14.  At the time, 30 yeshivot, (including the school where I worked), signed on to this pact. Education and prevention meant proactive programming.  To appropriately respond to substance use, the pact stated that when there is concern about a child’s use, he will be evaluated by a certified substance abuse counselor. If intervention or treatment is recommended, as long as the child and the parents agree to abide by the entire plan, the child will “remain in good standing throughout the process.”  This contract was sent home with the tuition contract and no student is allowed to register or attend school without the signatures of the parent and child. We also created the role we called the “Faculty Point Person” who would be contacted if there is a concern about a child when it comes to substance use and oversees the screening.  This protects the confidentiality of the child.  The pact also discussed random drug testing. 

The Safe Home directives was also part of this agreement. It involved supervision at home and not sending a child to a party or get-together without adult supervision. Parents were asked to notify the parents of a child who arrives intoxicated or brings alcohol or any other illegal substances to a party.  (Safe shuls was part of the OU initiative where parents were asked to eliminate the shul kiddush clubs).

 In 2015, in Jewish Action Bayla Sheva Brenner wrote an article, “Coming Out Of Denial: Drug Addiction In The Orthodox Community.”  (We are still coming out of denial!!!) There she outlined the proliferation of drugs even among children as young as 14.  She talks about what are the telltale signs. “All of a sudden, their group of friends changes. They want to sleep more; their personality starts to change; they’re not as talkative.”

As you can tell, I am a bit frustrated. It’s now 2018 and we seem to be repeating ourselves. Why?  Why haven’t we gotten the message yet?

Lest I sound totally discouraged, I want to make clear that all that was said Sunday evening was critical.  There were even some “new” points which I feel we haven’t stressed enough in the past.

What was “new” at the evening (or at least bears repeating)?

1. The stigma is intense. One speaker told a story of a woman who was an addict who said that she wouldn’t go to treatment due to the impact the stigma would have on her family.  When the response to her in the intervention meeting was that she might die, she responded she’d rather die and have no stigma affect her family.  That is why the Formans' bravery was so impactful. They single- handedly minimized the stigma.  
2. Addiction is an illness,  and you need to figure out where the pain is coming from.  Many addicts are self- medicating to dull pain- whether anxiety, depression stemming from bullying, never succeeding in school, trauma etc. Our children need our attention- undivided time to truly listen.  If they are engaged in drugs, they need to know you won’t turn them away.
3. As Rabbi Rothwachs said, the addict is a victim. He may be a victim of genetics, biochemistry, circumstances- even trauma or abuse.  He may be a victim of the overbearing pressure of our community to perform in all arenas and from being misunderstood.  Perhaps he cannot find success in school or feels on the outs socially. He, therefore,  turns to drugs to escape it all.
4. A person who engages in drugs is not lacking in ethics, morals and does not have poor self- control.  We are judgmental and are blaming.  Substance abuse is an illness over which many do not have the ability to exert self- control. We as a community need to start being less judgmental.  Addiction is an illness and does not reflect poorly on the parenting of the child nor on the moral and ethical compass of the child.
5. We often think of addiction as proliferating among the young in the “party scene.” But, there are many adults we may actually know who are in throes of addiction or have a history. Rabbi Rothwachs stressed the importance of not pressing other adults to drink. (See this Amudim video on the topic at:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYbQ19I455Y ). LIfnei iver lo titen michshol. Let us not put a stumbling block in front of those who are predisposed to be addicts. We have a shocking degree of tolerance among adults for drinking.  We need to look closer at our own alcohol use.
6. Addiction to pain medication is more rampant than we imagine.
7. We believe if we close our eyes we can inoculate our children. We think if we embrace one who is addicted we may be infected. Rabbi Rothwachs proclaimed these beliefs as utterly illogical.  
8. The treatment for drug addiction does involve finding G-d.  Some addicts have religious conflict and have nowhere to go to speak about these issues.
9. Children who have a hard time expressing their hardships are more prone to turn to substances.  Talk to your children.  Hear what’s on their minds. Love them even when they are going through this tough time.
10. The college years, when the children leave their homes and they have more freedom, is often the time when those at-risk begin to abuse.
11. Vaping is becoming more common. Children need to learn about the danger.

In the Jewish Standard article before the event, Elana Forman said, “Basically I was a child like anyone else.  And, then, right before high school, I started feeling that I wasn’t like my peers.  I felt lonely and misunderstood.  And my solution, the way I found to cope with these feelings, was alcohol.  I started drinking when I was about 13. I took it from my parents’ liquor cabinet, and I associated with my friends who were doing the same things. We all took from our parents, and we had older friends who were able to buy it.” Elana continued to seem fine on the outside, but was not at all. So many things struck me about Elana’s words, but as someone who works with middle school children I thought, “This all began in middle school.”  It is hard to absorb. 

But, even before I read those words, I knew that we cannot wait for high school to make our children aware of  the dangers of substance use. That is why each year we have a substance abuse unit with our 8th graders.  (In addition to the units on resiliency, peer pressure and social/emotional skills our students learn about in Advisory in all grades). Our 8th graders begin to learn about the dangers they might face when it comes to alcohol and other substances. They learn about the physiological harm it can do to your body and to your emotional life, and the impact it has on your family.

One last critical point...In the  1999 New York Post article the Ms. Danis mentions that there was a school for 14 boys called Torah Academy being founded for struggling boys. These boys could also receive substance abuse counseling in a nearby substance abuse counseling center.  I am not sure of the status of that school. But, as we know,  substance abuse often begins with children struggling with mental health issues. We do NOT have a Jewish therapeutic school for children who cannot make it in mainstream Yeshiva settings due to their emotional needs.  I am waiting for the next night when the community gets together and proclaims that we need a Jewish therapeutic school. 

For me, the element that was truly “new” was the Formans' courage in coming forward. They clearly demonstrated the importance of lifting the stigma from this disease so that people do not feel alone and families can get help.

Here is a NJ number set up by Amudim for substance abuse help and assistance: 2014648000

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students learned the L.E.A.D.E.R. skills essential in being an “upstander.” They also began to learn about how cell phones are often abused to hurt others.

Seventh Grade:  Students learned more about the cultural, academic and economic BDS movement and how it is harmful to Israel.  More importantly, they learned why we must do something!

Eighth Grade:  Students learned about the dangerous effects of substance use.  

    

"Free- range Parenting"- Are We Overprotective?

On May 8,  Utah will be the first state to protect parents’ rights to practice “free-range parenting” of their children by changing what is considered child neglect.   Under this law, neglect does not include “permitting a child, whose basic needs are met and who is of sufficient age and maturity to avoid harm  or unreasonable risk of harm, to engage in independent activities,” such as going to school, to the park, local stores or bicycling by themselves. The goals of this new legislation is to protect parents who allow children to do things like travel alone to school,  and to prevent “nuisance” calls from taking time away from child protective services from dealing with serious issues of neglect.

Lenore Skenazy has popularized the term “free- range parenting,”  and is the author of  Free- Range Kids : Giving Our Children the Freedom We had Without Going Nuts With Worry.   She has written about the negative effects of overparenting and overprotection so that children are not growing with the necessary coping skills for independence.  “Free- range” is the term used with livestock when they are kept under natural conditions. Free -range parenting is a parenting philosophy where children are raised with less parental supervision to accept realistic risks meant to be consistent with the child’s developmental age. It is often seen as the opposite of “helicopter parenting.”  Most states have laws that assert that a children need to be a certain age to be left alone. Skenazy maintains that children can only learn to make good decisions in risky situations by practicing the need to do so independently, and  that is what free- range parenting allows.   

How about child safety and dangerous predators and accidents?   A recent article by Melissa Mayer on Apri 11, 2018 in Health News noted that actually the world is safer than it has ever been.  “When it comes to all dangers one might imagine unattended children face- death, abduction, traffic accidents- the incidence for all of those things was historically low and infinitesimally small.  In fact, an unaccompanied child is more likely to be hit by lightning than experience premature death or stranger abduction.” In this world where we teach “stranger danger” to our children, (and I maintain we should!), free -range parents preach a different message: “The world is inherently safe, humans are mostly kind and young people are definitely capable.”

Despite this reality, with constant media access, it does seem that the world is a more dangerous place. And, with cell phones allowing us to have connection with our children, it does provide some reassurance to parents, but we still believe that unsupervised children are in danger.  

LenoreSkenazy feels that there a number of reasons why parents are fearful for their children today. The media is always broadcasting tragic and scary news.  Our culture is litigious and people are constantly focused on negligence and risk.  Experts are always telling parents that they are parenting wrong and in a manner that’s harmful to their children.  The child safety industrial complex will convince parents of danger so that they can sell their safety devices.  “If you can convince parents that their kids are in any kind of danger- physical, psychological, emotional- you can get them to buy almost anything ...once you have rewritten childhood as a  minefield, (even as child mortality rates reach historic lows), you can sell parents anything.” Skenazy adds that now that we are in constant contact with our children and “can know everything about your child every second of every day, anytime you choose not to know, you are making a conscious decision to opt out of your role as

omniscient protector. This means, that now, if something bad does happen, instead of sympathy, the parent can expect a dose of haters: ‘Why didn’t she GPS him?’ ‘Why wasn’t she watching more closely?

A few weeks ago, CBS aired an episode of 48 Hours interviewing those who were on the case of Eitan Patz’s disappearance in 1979. Eitan was a six year old who was allowed to walk to his school bus stop two blocks from his house for first time by himself and was abducted. That case “changed the way parents watched over their kids.”  That is understandable.   

 I am not saying that I agree with Skenazy.  I am quite an overprotective mother myself. But, there is an element of truth in her words. This past week, as we commemorated Yom Hashoah, I often think of the young ages of my my grandparents who were older teens during the horror, or even of the younger ones, like Rabbi Lau, who was a small child.  G-d forbid that our children should ever experience something like that, but when one thinks about how these children were able to face difficulty at such a young age- they had resiliency that our children do not have nowadays.  My Zeidy used to tell how at the age of 9 he started his own business to help raise money for his family.  My 9 year old is busy going to baseball and playing Lego.   

And, as we celebrated Yom Haatzmaut, I think about how Israeli children are more resilient than in a row,  according to the UN’s annual Happiness Report. The United States is 18th.  How is it possible that they face the challenges of being surrounded by enemies and their teens need enter the army, and yet they are the 11th happiest country?  Dr. Tal Ben Shahar, whom I have quoted in the past, famous for his development of the science of happiness, recently returned to Israel after being abroad. for 15 year, (some of that time  teaching his famous course on Happiness at Harvard).   I recently watched a documentary where  Ben Shahar analyzes what makes Israel special called “Israel Inside: How A Small Nation Makes A Big Difference.” Ben Shahar notes that Israelis’ focus on family is one reason for the happiness they have.  More importantly, everyone is family.  He humorously notes that when he goes to the park with his children, he gets numerous pieces of unsolicited advice about how to raise them.  Why? Because every person in Israel is family.  He then interviews others who note that small children can cross the street alone in Israel for they know that some adult will stop and hold his hand… again, unsolicited.  Children walk to school alone, take buses by themselves and 9 year olds take their 3 year old siblings to playdates.  Perhaps it is the fact that all are family that allows Israelis to give their children that freedom. Israel has a strong sense of community, says Ben Arieh in the article, “It’s OK to walk Home Alone.- Compared to their American counterparts, Israelis prefer ‘free-range parenting’ over the hovering helicopter type.

Inbal Arieli, in her article “For Israeli Kids Every  Day is Independence Day” agrees. “From the moment they can raise their heads, we encourage our sons and daughters to explore the world around them without fear and constraint.” She speaks of the importance of parents “getting out of the way” and letting them go exploring even when it is not safe. She claims that this risk- taking explains the innovations and entrepreneurship  for which Israelis are famous. “We are a much less risk-averse society, and this willingness to make to make mistakes gives way to more resilient children and eventually, amazing inventions.” She continues to compare Israeli children to the Jews of the Torah who wandered in the desert for 40 years.  “They learn to take responsibility for their own destiny.”

I hate to argue with Ms. Arieli, but the Jews in the desert still had their “Parent” - Hashem to watch over them.  They did have a “omniscient Protector.” They were not simply wandering unsupervised in the desert.  Perhaps that is the secret to the independence- a knowledge that Hashem is there watching out for us.  That is the emunah found by those in the Holocaust and those children being raised in the miraculous Medinat Yisrael.  And, so there needs to be a happy medium.  Just like our Father in Heaven has modelled for us that the role of the parent is to provide some independence, but to always keep a watchful eye.  

Advisory Update

Sixth Grade- Students began a unit on bullying and the importance of being an upstander with some practical strategies.

Seventh Grade- As the beginning of their unit Do Not Stand Idly By- Students heard Mr. Shahar Azani from Stand With Us about the issues facing Israel in the world today. Students began learning about the BDS movement and the danger it poses for Israel.

Eighth Grade- Students began a unit on Substance Abuse and its effects.  Stay tuned to my column next week to hear more.

Cleaning for Pesach- Psychological Benefits?

When engaged in Pesach cleaning, I recently read an article which struck a chord about the topic of what in Sweden is called döstädning. The word döstädning means “death cleaning.”  No, it does not mean the heavy cleaning we do before Pesach!  It is a practice in Sweden where people get rid of material possessions that are not essential while they are still living, rather than leaving that work to their relatives.  This topic has been written about in the media lately due to the recent release of Margareta Magnusson’s book The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter.

Kate Goldhaber, a therapist quoted in the Time Magazine article ”Death Cleaning is the Newest Way To Declutter,” asserts that this cleaning not only benefits those left behind after death, but also benefits the cleaner himself.  Clutter in one’s house raises stress levels and reduces productivity. Dr. Christopher Peterson, in his study in the Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology,  points to the psychological impact of clutter.   In the article. “Six Benefits to Decluttering Your Life According to Science,” this research is presented.  Clutter impacts your ability to concentrate.  “Physical clutter in your surroundings competes for your attention, resulting in decreased performance and increased stress. Clutter essentially makes your brain multitask, so getting rid of it will turn you into a concentrating machine.”  A recent sleep study found that people who sleep in cluttered rooms are more likely to have sleep difficulties including trouble falling asleep and sleep disturbances. The UCLA’s Center on Everyday Lives and Families demonstrated that clutter affects our mood and self-esteem.  There has also been a link found between high stress hormone levels in female home owners and a high density of household objects.  And, of course, decluttering helps us let go of the past which is often full of emotions that hold us back.

In thinking of the positive psychological impact of “death cleaning” I considered, are there positive psychological impacts of cleaning for Pesach and ridding ourselves of Chametz (which is truly the purpose of the cleaning, after all)?

  According to Chazal, chametz represents the Yetzer Hara- the evil inclination.  In fact, a Gemara in Berachot 17a states, ““Rabbi Alexandri would end his daily prayers with the following supplication: ‘Master of the Universe, You know full well that it is our desire to act according to your will; but what prevents us from doing so? - the yeast in the dough...’” There is some connection with Chametz and sin.  Rabbi Alexandri sees “seor” (the word for yeast in the dough) as representing that desire for sin.  As Rabbi Alex Israel states, “ Rabbi Alexandri in this text, sees ‘se’or’ as a metaphor for the powerful drives and inflammatory passions that lurk within us all. Our mind has the ability to distort the reality of our vision, inflate our desires and draw us in directions that we would never take if we were to follow only our cold rational side. The impulse to evil ferments and corrupts. It makes flour and water appear as soft warm enticing bread. Chametz is the evil inclination! It is the “yeast in the dough” which allows us to lose self-control, which invites irrational decisions and leads us to impropriety.” While we remove Chametz because it is a mitzvah, as we do so we in essence need to search through our actions and look for our weaknesses in standing up to our impulses- clearly a positive psychological result.  

        Chametz also represents the ego- as it rises.  The search for and eradication of chametz represents that suppression of one’s ego.  Rabbi Naftali Zilberberg points out, “true spiritual growth begins with total humility, recognizing that without G‑d all pride is simply misplaced arrogance.” Psychologically speaking, there are definitely benefits of having a strong ego,(and I mean that as a strong self-esteem and self- importance and not the strict Freudian explanation).  But, having “too much ego” has its negative effects. When we allow our the need to maintain our egos to overcome our decision making in life it leads to trouble.  Catherine Huang, in her article, “Ways Ego Can Ruin Your Life” outlines some of those troublesome effects. We cannot tolerate making mistakes, or failure.  We lose humility thinking that we have all the answers, and do not have the ability to learn from others or even from past experiences. Craving attention and the “petting” of our egos, we forget about doing the right thing and only yearn to get credit.  Ego often leads us to forget about ethics and rather pushes us to  yearn for attention.  We live life with an “imaginary audience” which prevents us from being true to ourselves.  We live in constant fear of what others will say about us. Our communication skills suffer as we don’t listen to others to understand, but rather waiting to insert our own opinions.

        As the Swedish engage in döstädning they achieve psychological benefits.  As we engage in Pesach cleaning, I know it’s not easy, but perhaps we can find a few moments to absorb some of the messages behind the removal of chametz through contemplating  what chametz represents in our lives.  

Advisory Update:

6th Grade;  Students discussed conflict in friendship and how to navigate that conflict.

7th Grade;  After a training session by Mrs. Shifra Srolovitz, a child life specialist, students decorated stuffed animals with positive words of encouragement to be given to ill children.  

8th Grade:  Students discussed honest and cheating they see in the world around them.

Embracing Disability And Moshe Rabbeinu

            At the death of Stephen Hawking this past week, there was much discussion about disability and its impact on his life and his scientific accomplishments.  There was much dismay by disability activists that many in the media portrayed Hawking at his death as being finally free of his disability.  In Jessica Roy’s article in the LA Times  “Erasing Stephen Hawking's disability erases an important part of who he was,” she quotes Andrew Gurza among those who were unhappy with this portrayal.    "His disability probably lent itself to him becoming such a great mind, probably more than most people," Gurza said. "Maybe [Hawking] wouldn't have written this book, maybe he wouldn't have thought about all these things if he weren't disabled."  Was his disability in actuality a blessing?

            You may know that our 7th graders are in the middle of a  unit in Advisory “When Life Gives You Lemons- Coping With Adversity in Life.” This year, one person we spoke of was Mandy Harvey, a finalist on America’s Got Talent, who was studying vocal music education when she lost her hearing.  The students watched a video which described how she cannot hear the music she plays on her ukulele, nor the accompanying musicians, but removes her shoes so she can feel the beat of the music in her feat as she sings. The students considered- Her whole life was music and then her hearing was gone.  “Everything I ever wanted was going away and I couldn’t stop it, ” she said.    But, Mandy did not give up. She was resilient.  (We discuss resiliency in Advisory). What contributed to this resiliency?  When her father suggested to her to play a song she originally thought that was “crazy.”  But, her father convinced her that she had to change her perspective.  “Music now is not about the sound, it’s about the feeling.”  She continues to share,  “It’s not the dream that I always had. That’s okay. Because I showed up and I did something I never believed I could do.”  

            Mandy Harvey performs a song she wrote called, “Try.”  In the song she speaks about her life being more grey than blue.  But, at the end, “There is no one for me to blame, ‘cause I know the only thing in my way is me.”  Our students discuss that it is her perspective and the way she thinks about the situation that makes the difference. She has upbeat thinking versus down and out thinking.  Mandy has the ability to see the cup half full and not half empty. Our students then learn the skills of positive self- talk.   We explain to the students that it is exactly what it sounds like - talking to yourself and telling yourself that encouraging messages. You can do it.  It will be okay.  You have succeeded before and you will succeed again. It is sort of what you would tell a friend when he/she is faced with trouble, but instead, you tell those encouraging words to yourself.

            I recently read an article in Mishpacha Magazine written by Rabbi Shneur Aisenstark,  the dean of Beth Jacob Seminary of Montreal. The title was  “The Gift of Dyslexia: My only bechirah is in how I handle it.”  In this article, Rabbi Aisenstark shares that he has dyslexia.  He describes how when he was born, before World War II, no one recognized the disorder. He was told to simply, “work harder- a meaningless instruction if there ever was one.”  He continued to describe how he was forced to hide his disability. Even though he could not spell in English or Hebrew he finished school and even got semicha.  (The tests were given orally!)  He still cannot recall the order of things- like the parshiot, and even today he has a trick to recall the order of the berachot when called up to get an aliyah.  At the age of 60, he even has a trick to recall which is his right or left hand.  Reading is a chore, as he still reverses letters.  He proclaims that a benefit of that is that he is forced to daven slower- having more kavana. Rabbi Aisenstark describes that he is now an administrator of a school with over 600 students.  One can imagine how Rabbi Aisenstark can truly understand and support the students who have challenges.  His disability has made him a more effective educator.  He knows that everyone can succeed despite challenges.  

I never announced my disability from the rooftops, but, as you are reading, I do not hide it any longer. Hashem gave me this disability so that my life follows the trajectory that is most beneficial for me, one in which I can strive to fulfill the tafkid that He designated for me. Why should I hide something that is not of my doing? I had no bechirah as to whether I would have dyslexia — my only bechirah is in how I handle it. It certainly must be the best thing for me, even though I may not always see how.

Had I not had a problem with language, I might have chosen to become an editor or journalist. Had I been proficient in the multiplication tables, I might have gone into a math-related field. I am grateful that HaKadosh Baruch Hu gave me this disability, because it led me in the direction of chinuch, to which I have devoted my life...

What are the ingredients of success? You need to be crafty and have a tremendous amount of willpower to accomplish whatever it is you are striving for. You must have the emunah that if you try hard, Hashem will give you the siyata d’Shmaya to complete your unique mission.

Basya bas Pharaoh wanted the baby Moshe so badly that she stretched out her hand to grasp him, despite the seemingly an unbridgeable distance between herself and him. She tried hard and Hashem helped her.

As believing Jews, belief in the lot in life we were handed being G-d ordained is a form of positive self- talk and seeing the cup as half full. This is what G-d meant for me, for whatever reason I do not know,  and I am up to the challenge.

As we approach Chag HaPesach I often consider that Moshe Rabbeinu had a stutter.  He was “כבד פה וכבד לשון.” (There is a discussion as to what this phrase does mean, but many parshanim do explain it as a speech impediment of some sort). Why is it that the greatest Jewish leader that ever lived had this impediment? (In fact, I recently read that when the makers of the animated  Prince of Egypt made the movie, one of the rabbinic consultants discussed this issue with them. They consciously decided that Moshe could not be a believable leader with his stutter and decided to leave it out of the movie). I believe that Hashem was sending us a message about how to face challenges in life.  Hashem did not deem this stutter as an obstacle to Moshe’s leading  the entire Jewish people. It is Moshe himself who is concerned about his inability to be taken seriously. Hashem therefore provides Aharon as a spokesperson. But, Moshe must still speak.  “You will speak all that I command you, and Aharon your brother will speak to Pharaoh” ( Shemot 7:2). Why? When Moshe said  לֹא֩ אִ֨ישׁ דְּבָרִ֜ים אָנֹ֗כִי...כִּ֧י כְבַד־פֶּ֛ה וּכְבַ֥ד לָשׁ֖וֹן אָנֹֽכִי:I am not a man of words...for I am heavy of mouth and heavy of tongue,” Hashem responded “ מִ֣י שָׂ֣ם פֶּה֘ לָֽאָדָם֒ ... הֲלֹ֥א אָֽנֹכִ֖י ה” "Who gave man a mouth...Is it not I, the Lord?” Hashem is relaying the message that Moshe can overcome this challenge and can be the greatest leader that ever lived because Hashem is with him.  Hashem has given Moshe his challenge, but He also provides him with support to overcome that challenge.

We each face a different challenge in life. Every one of our children has his/her own challenge.  But, we can raise them to say that no matter what with positive perspective, positive self-talk, perseverance and emunah they can each grow to be Stephen Hawking or Mandy Harvey or Rabbi Aisenstark or Moshe Rabbeinu.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade; Students began a unit on friendship and what is a true friend?

Seventh Grade;  Students learned about upbeat versus down and out thinking and how to apply it to situations in their own lives. Students also had their first session of the Adolescent Life classes.

Eighth Grade: The pressures of being dishonest as they enter “the real world” were discussed. They also had wonderful sessions with Rabbi Beni Krohn and Mrs. Shoshana Samuels on relationships in Judaism.