How to "Friend" G-d

G-d doesn't have a Blackberry or an iPhone, but He is my favorite contact.

He doesn't have Facebook, but He is my best friend.

He doesn't have Twitter, but I follow Him nonetheless.

He doesn't have internet, but I am connected to Him.

And even though He has a massive communication system, His customer service never puts me on hold.

Mrs. Sharon Risch sent me the above called “G-d and Social Media.” It, of course, speaks volumes about our relationships with our technology, but more importantly- at this time of year, with G-d. We know that "דרשו ה בהמצאו” (Yeshayahu 55:6) “Seek Hashem when He is near”- during the month of Elul through Aseret Yimei Teshuva G-d is nearer and closer to us, and we are to seek out that closeness and repent. How do we help our teens feel that closeness? The word Elul itself is an acronym for “ אני לדודי ודודי לי" “I am to my Beloved as my Beloved is to me”- as it is a time we are to seek out a relationship with G-d during the entire month of Elul, leading up to the Yamim Noraim. How do we raise children who feel this need to even have a relationship with G-d that is as least as strong as their relationships with their iPods? The above poem crystallizes this challenge. A few weeks ago, my three year old son said to me innocently, “Hashem is my best friend.” I want my children to feel that G-d is their best friend throughout their lives. (Even when it's not “cool” to say so). How do we make that feeling last?

Rabbi Steven Burg, the International Director of NCSY, wrote in an issue of Jewish Action that we wonder why many teenagers who are raised Orthodox simply go through the motions and then stray from Orthodoxy when they go off to college. He asserts that we need to “Reintroduce G-d into our schools, homes and relationships...Judaism is first and foremost about one's relationship with the Almighty, not about fitting into a social group.” Teens, and adults, lead observant lives because it is expected of them in the community in which they live. “A teen who attends a day school recently confided to me that although she has learned all of the intricacies of hilchot borer in her high school honors dinim class, she is not certain that she believes in G-d,” cites Rabbi Burg as an example. “A rabbi I know recently wrote about this very problem. While his Bubbie never studied the commentaries on Tehillim, which his daughters all currently learn and know, he wrote, his daughters cannot cry over Tehillim the way his Bubbie did.”

What can we as parents do to instill this love of Hashem in our children? We need to share with our children that the goal of all the wonderful and insightful commentaries and thought-provoking halachot that they are learning is to get closer to Hashem. We need to display our own love for G-d in words and action. When we experience a trip to the beach together and see the sunset, we need to say, “Wow. How amazing are the creations of Hashem. Can't you feel Hashem here?” It may sound cheesy, but we need to say it aloud. When I taught a Jewish philosophy class I used to ask my students to write about a time that they felt Hashem in their lives. We need to ask our teens to ask themselves these questions. Some students even kept a “Hashgacha Pratit (feeling G-d's presence) Journal.” We need to bring Hashem into their everyday lives.

As we do Mitzvot with joy we also relay the message that we are doing mitzvot to connect with G-d. If you truly love someone everything you do “for Him” is a joy. This applies to Tefilla as well. What message are we sending them about Davening- our opportunity to connect and talk to G-d? Like with a best friend, I turn to G-d to speak with Him when I have troubles. He always listens. We should bring up conversations with them about, “How do we connect with a G-d we can't see? How do we know He is there? Does He really answer our prayers?” These are important discussions to have with our teens. This is all part of the spiritual education we must give our children. They may challenge us- a perfect opportunity for a serious heart to heart.

I once read that we should try an exercise and ask our children why they are important. Most will say because they “get good grades, are good at sports, have good friends...”- all based on something human that can change. But, how about sharing with them that their self-worth is based on a Bereishit 1:27 “G-d created human beings in the Divine image.” You are wonderful because you are created in the image of Hashem and that Hashem loves you.

Judaism is not a dry, cold religion full of rote laws. It is, however, easy to fall into the mechanical performance of Mitzvot. Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe in his book Alei Shor shares the antidote to this problem as “let us contemplate that the Holy One, Blessed be He, Himself, commanded us in this commandment, and that through it, we are connecting with Him.” Taking a moment to stop and think before performing a mitzvah- not something most of us do.

As we approach Yom Kippur, I rededicate myself to work on my relationship with G-d and to help my children develop theirs. At this time of year, may we “friend” Hashem. I know He will “friend” us back.

The Present is a Gift for Parent- Child Relationships and Teshuva

The Torah reading for the first day of Rosh Hashana comes from Bereishit 21:1-34. There are numerous discussions as to why this section is read at this time. Primarily, one can see the Rosh Hashana themes of Tefilla – prayer and Teshuva- repentance as underlying these pesukim. The second section of this portion is the story of Yishmael and Hagar being sent out from Avraham's home. This story highlights the ultimate compassion of G-d as He saves Yishmael. 21:17, “G-d heard the cry of the youth, and an angel of G- d called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, 'What troubles you, Hagar? Fear not, for G-d has heeded the cry of the youth in his present state'.” “באשר הוא שם" – in his present state, are the words upon which I would like to focus. What are their significance?

Rashi quotes the Midrash that states that when the angels saw Yishmael dying of thirst they turned to G-d and said, “For one whose descendants will eventually force Your children to die of thirst, You will perform a miracle and reveal water?!” (For interest's sake, this is referring to the time when Nevuchadnezzar exiled the Jews to Bavel and the descendants of Yishmael greeted the thirsty Jews with salty food and bread instead of water, and gave them empty jugs filled with just air. When they tried to drink from these jugs, hot air entered their throats aggravating the situation). Hashem responds, “What you say is true, but at this point in time, is Yishmael righteous or wicked?” The angels replied, “Righteous.” Hashem then said, “If so, it is proper to save him, for man is not judged on his future actions. Rather, he is judged in his 'present state' באשר הוא שם– according to the level he is now.” (The parshanim describe that Yishmael must have done Teshuva and therefore was considered righteous).

This story teaches us one of the foundations of Teshuva- that of באשר הוא שם. Even if one's deeds are not of a high level all year long, one should attempt during Chodesh Elul and Aseret Yimei Teshuva to elevate one's deeds – as a person is only judged based on “his present state”- not on his future and not on his past. What a gift!

As a parent, upon thinking about the relationship we have with Hashem during this Teshuva season, I cannot help but contemplate the relationship I have with my children. The Selichot and High Holiday liturgy is replete with the image of G-d being our Father and we are His children “As a father is compassionate with his sons, so too Hashem should have compassion on us.” How can I apply this

באשר הוא שם philosophy to my relationship with my children?

It is inevitable that at some point with teenagers we will find some cause to argue or rebuke. (In fact research indicates that children who do not back down so easily and engage their parents in “spirited discussion” -a.k.a arguments, in an effective manner may actually be able to better withstand peer pressure as they can better calmly, persuasively and persistently argue their standpoints). In having these arguments it is a essential to not bring up the past- focus on the present. If we begin throwing things out that happened months ago and dredge up the past we cannot move forward. And, it goes without saying that we cannot hold a grudge. When the argument is resolved, it is over. If we do not do so, we are saying, “We forgive, but we never forget.” It relays the message to our teens that no matter how hard they try to change, we will never give them a fresh start. We will never see them in the same way again.

Our goal as parents is to let our children know that no matter what they do we will always love them. We will always help them get out of a rut and improve. And, once they improve, we will have faith in them. How many times have I heard students say to me, “No matter what I do, my parents won't ever trust me again.” The message of באשר הוא שם is the gift we can give our children of not holding over them mistakes they have made in the past (as long as they are no longer commiting the same mistakes).

There is another message in the importance of dwelling on the present. This past week, our 7^th graders began their Advisory classes. The theme of their Advisory curriculum is “Prepare Yourself to Change the World,” as they involve themselves in lessons and service learning projects. The first unit focuses on the power that teenagers can have to change the world. We discuss the story of Austin Gutwein, who when he was 9 years old in 2004 decided to raise money for those suffering in Africa by shooting hoops and getting sponsors. Now, in his teens, his program has spread and has raised over $2 million. We do not want our children looking to the future and saying, “When I get older, I'll make a difference and do something important.” We want them to realize that in the present they can be more and do more. This message is crystallized in the words of John Larson, a news correspondent, “I spent a day with Austin and his family and found them inspiring.  His story, I believe, challenges us all. The first thing I thought as I drove to the airport was: 'What was I doing when I was 12?' And then, of course, the next thought: 'What, exactly, am I doing now?'” We are empowering our teenages to achieve something special for others now.

This message also reminds me of what I sometimes hear from our teenagers, “I'll be more religious and be more serious when I go to Israel for the year.” It is as if they are excusing their present behaviors by looking to the future- when it's the present that counts. As parents we need to again empower our teens to realize that “If not now...then when?” (Avot 1:14). And, as the Mishna in Avot 2:5 also states, "V'Al Tomar K'SheEfneh Eshneh Shema Lo Tipaneh", “I will learn when I have time, because maybe you will never have time.” I recently received an e-mail from a childhood friend whose son is a high school senior in a “Modern Orthodox Yeshiva.” Her son recently celebrated the Siyum Hashas as he has actually completed all of Shas for the first time. Wow! That is a teenager who realized the power he has in the present.

As the we begin the new year of 5773 may we find the inspiration in the present to not dwell on past disappointments and challenges, and to not wait for the future. In that merit, may Hashem judge us similarly for a happy and healthy year.

Twelve Months a Year, Seven Days a Week, Twenty-four Hours a Day- Part of the Yavneh Family

Here at Yavneh we call ourselves “part of the Yavneh family.” As faculty in the school, we take that seriously. Consequently, when students leave the campus- whether at 4:40 each day or on June 20^th, we do not stop thinking about them, and even worrying about them. It would be easy for us to say, “They are not in our building now. They are not our responsibility.” A family relationship does not take time off for two months a year. And, that closeness does not go on hiatus in the evening during the school year. That is why we put so much effort into our social/emotional curriculum and particularly into our weekly Advisory classes. We understand that those are the skills they need to succeed out of the protective bubble of their second home- when we are not with them. We want them to have the skills to navigate camp, Bar Mitzvahs, high school...- all outside of Yavneh and all topics we cover in our Advisory curriculum.

In planning the last few weeks of the 2011-12 school year we focused on what our students will confront outside of Yavneh. Our Sixth Graders spent the year in their Advisory program focusing on their transition to Middle School and adolescence. Organization, time management, etiquette, friendship skills, and body image were some topics they tackled this year.

This past week, the sixth graders had workshops on “Preparing for Camp.” They discussed challenges that they might face in both day and sleepaway camps. Beginning with situations such as, “Jake has been waiting an hour for his turn in the shower after the big hockey game. He finally gets his turn and as he's showering he hears laughing. Suddenly, the curtain to his shower opens and he sees Tom, Louis and Steven standing there hysterically laughing." Our boys discussed: What is wrong with this situation? What would they do? Why is it important to tell someone? Who should they tell? Why do children sometimes not tell? What is our responsibility as bystanders? We focused on the importance of listening to that voice inside of us , and when we are uncomfortable, we must do something. We also need to know our own personal boundaries and when someone crosses those boundaries, we need to make it stop. The boys focused on the importance of protecting oneself from abuse from one's peers and from adults as well- even adults we trust. A scenario such as, "The head counselor of your camp, a really great guy, asks you to go out to the woods with him to collect fire wood for the camp fire later. Everyone else is in the Cafeteria far away on the other side of camp," was discussed, for example. Our students learned that most adults have our best interests at heart, but we need to utilize the safety rules without exception- just in case.

Other issues discussed by the girls were- What are some of the challenges I face if I go to a local day camp with non- Jewish campers? What do I do if I am home for the summer and lonely? What if my counselor is not receptive to my problem, who should I tell? How do body image issues pop up over the summer? How do we deal with homesickness? Fights with bunkmates? The insightful discussions that ensued provided our students with essential and practical skills need for life outside of Yavneh- during those other two months of the year!

Our seventh graders completed their year- long curriculum of “Prepare Yourselves to Change the World.” Their year was highlighted by internalizing the skills of empathy, resiliency building, and strength of character to withstand peer pressure among numerous other skills. Projects such as working with the homeless, decorating and delivering pillowcases to ill children, and writing letters and petitions against a nuclear armed Iran allowed for them to take the skills they learned and translate them into action. During their last lesson they created “7^th Grade Time Capsules” to be opened in 2022. They had the opportunity to record what they are like now and what they predict they will be like in the future- outside of Yavneh!

Our eighth graders culminated their Advisory curriculum “Preparing for Life After Yavneh” with lessons asking them to contemplate what they anticipate the next few months will be like and how they feel about leaving Yavneh. What did they gain in their years here? What are their worries about the years ahead? What excites them about their new beginning? Students were asked to complete surveys about their time here to provide us with feedback to improve or continue various aspects of our Middle School. At their Graduation Brunch the eighth graders read and took to heart the inscriptions written by their peers that they found inside their new Siddurim. Those inscriptions hopefully inspired them to strive higher and farther as they leave Yavneh.

At 11:30 on June 20^th we will wave good-bye to our students for the summer. They rush to the door “כתינוק הבורח מבית הספר" “like a young child who runs from school”- literally. But, I, with the rest of my colleagues, will be thinking of them all summer. Are they able to implement the skills we taught them in the “real world”? Can they face challenges and successes in life with ease and resiliency? Will they make the rest of the Yavneh family proud? What can we change, revamp, redesign or innovate so that they can do even better outside of Yavneh?

The Power of Praise

Mark Twain said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” The power of a good compliment or praise is undeniable. We know that in the workplace, employees are more productive when they receive regular praise. Not only does it lead the receiver to recognize how much he is appreciated, but it also leads him to further accomplishment to live up to and prove the validity of the compliments he receives.

We keep this impact of the compliment in mind as we meet with our 8^th graders in the last few weeks of school. One essential piece of their Graduation Brunch is their receiving of a sefer with a “compliments” inscription. We ask all the 8^th graders to write a compliment for each one of their classmates. “What do you admire about him/her that you never tell him/her?” We train them as to what is considered a true compliment- to focus on what makes the person unique and a special talent she might have. All the positive comments about each person were compiled into a description about the person which will be presented to him/her in that sefer.



We begin this activity by telling them the story of Sister Helen Morsla who conducted a similar activity with her elementary school class. Years later, she shares, that the list of compliments was so precious to each one of her students that they kept it with them. One of her students, Mark, was killed in Vietnam and the list was found on him when he died. One can never underestimate the power of compliment.


Dr. Erica Brown, in her article, “A Good Word” quotes Rabbi Simcha Cohen who states that in Mishlei 15:31 it states, “ A good word puts fat on the bones.” “When someone says something nice about you, you feel somehow more significant; they've put fat on your bones, an existential weight gain, so to speak. Compliments fill the heart and mind with a basic need; they are the emotional oxygen of the soul. When a person is starved for compliments, the effects can be perceived both in the short and long term. Aside from an inner agony that the person suffers, he also begins displaying signs of emotional hunger and negative behavior that result from his hunger for compliments.”




It was fascinating to see our students sitting at their computers working on their compliments. Some students struggled to write anything more than, “She is nice.” Others were able to pinpoint the exact qualities that made their classmates extraordinary. It was a wonderful exercise in appreciating our friends, and in thinking about how our words can make an impact.


Compliments are obviously beneficial for the receivers, but they also benefit the givers. By focusing on noticing the good that others do, it can boost our moods and strengthen our positive attitudes. The actual atmosphere around us becomes more positive. The Hebrew phrase of Hakarat Ha Tov stresses the power praise has for the giver. When we are grateful for the special quality of another, we are forced to recognize the good in him- a great skill for life. It forces us to forget for a moment the compliments we are seeking for ourselves and to focus on the other. Dr. Brown so aptly states, “We flatter people so that we can get places in life. We compliment people so that they can get places in life.”


As parents, we know the power our praise and compliments can have as well. But, how should we be complimenting our children? Dr. Carol Dweck did much research on the power of praise. Interestingly enough, praise can be effective- but only certain types of praise. Praise needs to be specific, sincere, and needs to praise effort. To quote a previous Parenting Pointers column, “ It teaches us a lesson when it comes to trying to promote the self-esteem of our children. We think that the more compliments we pile on- the more it will improve their self-esteem. So we tell them, 'I love that picture you made!' 'You are the best athlete on the team!' 'What a great student you are!' But, rather than these general compliments, says Rabbi Orlowek, use more specific ones to truly boost their self-concept. Like, 'That building you drew truly looks like the one we saw yesterday. The color you used was so vivid.' or 'That curveball was unbelievable!' And, we as parents need to become more like coaches who instead of saying to a player 'Great shot!' They will say, “You kept your arm at the exact angle needed.” Be specific so that children can tell you took some time to truly watch what they did.

Psychologists call that type of praise 'action or judgment praise.' For example, 'I can see you put a lot of attention and effort into that drawing.'(action) Or 'I love the colors your use to make that sunset” (judgment). When complimenting your child, compliment an action they did or a judgment they made. Notice the details of what they accomplished and then compliment them on those details. If we tell them they are the best artist we have ever seen, that leads to self-doubt, 'Can that really be possible? What if I make a mistake on my next drawing?...'”


As we lead our graduates through their last week as Yavneh students we, the faculty, truly recognize the special qualities of each and every child. We try to relay these specific compliments daily, but as we say, “Good-bye” we remember all those compliments we have not yet said. We will try to verbalize them in the coming days.

The Celebrate Israel Parade, Facebook and Engergizing Our Teens to "Do Something"

My children love the Celebrate Israel Parade. Each year, they excitedly dress in their blue and white and we make our way into the city. I actually must thank my parents for this 2^nd generation enthusiasm for the parade, as this excitement was palpable from the moment I can recall the first march in the parade. (Although I do not believe that my elementary or high schools marched at the time). I also recall the disappointment when the parade started enforcing the “no strollers rule” and I therefore could not march along with my students. I also have noticed the less than enthusiastic marching of some of the high school students and I wondered, “When does that excitement turn into apathy?” Granted, some students do not have full understanding of the importance of the Celebrate Israel Parade. And, true- it is the Sunday before finals and they could use the day for studying. However, this apathy concerns me since teenagers can be passionate when a cause strikes their fancy. If only we could harness this passion and help them direct it towards more meaningful causes.

Last week Mr. David Bratslavsky, Associate for Policy and Planning at the Conference of Presidents, met with our 7^th graders as part of their Advisory program. This year, as you recall, our focus with the seventh graders has been “Prepare Yourself to Change the World” as we reinforced their responsibility to “do something” when they see injustice in the world. “Do Not Stand Idly By” was the theme of this most recent unit, as the students came to understand why they cannot be apathetic bystanders when those around them-whether in another country or in their own classroom- are suffering. Mr. Bratslavsky came to do address them regarding the important role that they can play in preventing a nuclear armed Iran, as our last unit culminated in a political action project on that topic.

Mr. Bratslavsky took a different angle as he quizzed them to see how much they knew about the issues. He than asked them how many students were on Facebook. Most raised their hands. He asked them how many “friends” they had. He then challenged them with a responsibility. He asked that they each post an article or a link to a website that speaks to the issues around Iran. This can be one way that they can make a difference in an almost instantaneous way. I am going to send an e-mail to all the 7^th graders with a link they can use as I remind them of their pledge to Mr. Bratslavsky.

Interestingly enough, a research study recently came out at Harvard which explained the attraction of Facebook and Twitter. Researchers had scanned the brains of subjects when they talked about their lives and opinions and noted that the same area of the brain that lit up when they eat or earn money lit up. The more people with whom they shared their personal thoughts, the greater the activity was in that part of the brain. This explains why people feel pulled towards the social media sites as 80% of postings are people writing about themselves and/or their own opinions. In essence, Mr. Bratslavksy was asking of our young people to utilize generally “self-centered” or “narcissistic” (words the study uses) media to accomplish a “self-less” feat.

When creating the curriculum for the seventh grade Advisory program this year, I came across an organization called “DoSomething.org.” This organization is devoted to helping teens make a difference in the world. “DoSomething.org believes you have the power to make a difference. It is our aim to inspire, support and celebrate a generation of doers: people who see the need to do something, believe in their ability to get it done, and then take actions. At DoSomething.org we provide the tools and resources for you to convert your ideas and energy into positive action.” The website itself is a great tool for teens. They can have an issue of interest and they are given possible ideas of projects they upon which they can embark. The website even has a list of topics and issues from which they can choose. This organization offers two $500 grants a month for community service ideas/projects. And, the website provides a way for teens to share inspiring stories of those who attempt to change the world around them.

How can we harness some of that excitement towards our Yeshiva students? Aria Finger, the COO of DoSomething.org speaks of the importance of letting the teens know they truly can have an impact and believing in them. She then stresses that their passions may not be exactly what you would have chosen, (i.e. more pudding in the lunch program!), but go with it. Finger praises the power of peer pressure. That positive pressure to do what's right sometimes is just what they need to do what they really feel is right in their hearts. There is no greater peer pressure than arriving at the parade and seeing thousands of Jews marching right alongside you. It is worth schlepping into the City each year for our students to feel that positive “peer pressure” of telling the world that we are proud of and stand by Israel.

Where Are Our Teens Getting Their Information?

The Talmud (Berachot 62) tells about Rav Kahana, who wanted to learn the proper way of conducting marital relations, so he went and hid under the bed of his teacher, Rav. When Rav discovered him, as one might imagine, he said to him, “Depart from here – it is improper to do as you have done hiding under the bed!” Rav Kahana answered, “It is a part of the Torah, and I need to learn.” What is the meaning of this surprising and confusing story? Rav Kahana was a scholar and quite wise, and most definitely realized that it is inappropriate to hide under his teacher's bed! Yet, the message of the Gemara is that there is a Jewish and halachic way to do every act in life. More importantly, when Rav Kahana sought knowledge- he only sought advice from a Torah source- not from his friends, or “the internet.”

Do you know that 68% of all TV shows, other than the news, sports and children’s shows, contain sexual content? 75% of network prime-time shows contain either sexual dialogue or sexual behavior. And, teens- ages 13 to 15, rank TV, magazines , movies and music as the top source of information about sexuality for them.


Many of our students can be counted among those statistics. They learn about their physical and emotional development from the media- television, internet and their friends. Often, the information they gain regarding their sexuality is incorrect, glamorized or even scary. This is why I developed the Adolescent Life Workshops for our Middle School students. They have an opportunity to learn and discuss the physiological, emotional and sexual changes they go through during this time with a competent and halachically appropriate source.

This past week, our 8^th graders had two sessions. While, Rabbi Knapp began the series with the boys and I did so with the girls, we did something new this year. We felt that in addition to implementing the curriculum I designed, we wanted the 8^th graders to have the opportunity to ask any questions they wished. We felt that they would benefit from a Question and Answer session with a Torah scholar in the area of relationships and sexuality. We asked the students to anonymously submit any questions on their mind. Rabbi Knapp and I went through the questions and invited Rabbi Shalom Baum, rabbi of Congregation Keter Torah, to address the boys and Mrs. Shoshana Samuels, Yoetzet Halacha at Congregation Rinat Yisrael, to address the girls. The students were engaged and interested and comfortably asked questions. They clearly understood that the Torah sees sexuality as a normal and natural part of life which is even kadosh. Therefore, the Torah puts safeguards in place to ensure that sexuality within the context of a relationship remains special. In addition, they got the message that Torah personalities in our community can understand them and in a non-patronizing, shame-free way are always available to answer their questions. This is a lesson that will remain with them well beyond their school years, as they realize the importance of developing a relationship Torah leaders.

This message is one that they receive from us at home as well. First, when it specifically comes to issues surrounding puberty and sexuality we relay the message to them that no question is shameful or wrong to ask. If we do not know the answer, we will tell them and will get them the answer. (In addition to turning to Torah scholars, in our workshops we encourage them to turn to their parents- a major theme in our sixth grade workshops). We may need to begin the conversation with them, but they need to know they should never hesitate to approach us with anything. Second, if we do notice them watching a TV show or reading a book that contains themes about relationships antithetical to Judaism's view, we need to relay that message loud and clear. “What do you think about the fact that those two characters moved in together before marriage?” “Is it okay for those teenagers to be kissing?” These are all “teachable moments” as we make our values clear to our children.

Daddy's Little Girls Become Strong Women

 

An unknown poet, Heather Belligham,wrote:

Every time I hate something
About my nose
My weight
My face
It's your voice in my head.

To whom is she speaking? Whose voice is the one in her head telling her that her body is not good enough? Perhaps she is speaking to her peers. Or perhaps to the messages she gets from the media. Or, perhaps, she is talking about us- her parents. As parents we have the unbelieveable power to shape those voices in our children's heads. They hear what we tell them loud and clear- even if they pretend they don't. We are the voices that make the biggest impact. Our goal as parents is to change this poem around:

Every time I love something

About my nose
My Weight
My face
It's your voice in my head.

At our standing room only workshop this past week on Body Image we learned how to help our children develop those inner voices of strength. It is the "kol demama daka"- the still, thin voice, as Eliayahu HaNavi learned, (Melachim I 19:12),  where the strength and power lies. Eliyahu saw the powerful wind, smashing mountains, and breaking rocks of an earthquake. But, G-d tells him the power of G-d is not in any of those things- but rather is in a the still thin voice that followed.

We feel that our children are surrounded by powerful and noisy influences that impact on their body image and their attitudes, and we at times feel powerless. Monday's workshop reminded us that if we raise our children with that voice inside of them- that is where the power lies.

 

With Mother’s Day approaching we are reminded of the indelible impact mothers make on their children.    Dr. Sarah Roer asserted on Monday night that mothers serve as important role models, especially to their daughters, on how they feel about their bodies and their attitudes towards foods. Dr. Roer shared with us that over and over again, her clients who struggle with eating disorders point to behaviors, comments or even innuendos they perceived as coming from their mothers as changing how they thought about their bodies. (Other highlights of Dr. Roer’s dynamic presentation were sent in an e-mail to you this week).

Ironically, though, with Mother’s Day approaching I would like to take the focus off of the mothers for a moment and focus on another point stressed by Dr. Roer in her presentation. Fathers also have a significant impact on the body image of their boys and girls. It makes common sense that fathers impact on their sons, but why their daughters?

Research has found that daughters who have healthy relationships with their fathers tend to be more self-reliant, self-confident and successful and less likely to develop eating disorders. Mr. Joe Kelly, the author of Dads and Daughters: How to Inspire, Understand and Support Your Daughter writes a blog on the topic as the “dadman.” He asserts that “as the first man in their lives, fathers set the precedent of how daughters believe men see them. What do they value? Are looks a major issue? Do they see their daughters as a full ‘human’ with thoughts, feelings, interests, and principles—or simply as a girl who should look and act a certain way?”

Fathers need to remember that their daughters are looking to them to understand how they are viewed by males. And, so, he implores fathers, “What do you want her to see when she looks in the mirror? What do you want her to think when she is around boys—and later, men? Talk to her about it. Show her how you feel.”

Mr. Kelly provides some practical tips for fathers:

1. Show respect for real women of substance. Be aware of your attitudes toward women, their appearance, and their achievements. Point out the contributions women make in your community or family.
2. Watch what you say about women’s bodies. Criticizing women’s weight and appearance has become a normal activity - you may not realize the power of what you say to your daughter.
3. Be Your Brother’s Keeper. Challenge your male friends and associates when they show disrespect for women, objectify them, or make sexist remarks.
4. Promote respect for all shapes and sizes. Weightism is rampant today. Take stock of your attitudes toward overweight people. Become aware of your prejudices and work to change them.
5. Examine your own weight, eating, or body image issues. Men are not immune to these concerns, as they are experiencing more and more pressure around appearance today. Make peace with your own body and treat it well.
6. Maintain a diet-free home. Encourage enjoyment of food, moderate exercise, and a healthy, balanced lifestyle. Rules about food only backfire and contribute to eating and weight problems.
   Emphasize inner beauty. Talk about what you value in people and in her. Help her to see that she is more than an image to you.
   
7. Rid your home and work environment of anything that promotes objectifies women. Magazines like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue breed body dissatisfaction and self degradation. Many standard men’s magazines are full of demeaning images of women.
   

Oftentimes, fathers get scared away when their daughters hit adolescence and the hormones rage. It is particularly important to stay close at that time, while at the same time respecting her need for privacy. Fathers can also help their daughters by raising their sons differently. Make it clear to boys that they need to be sensitive to women and that women are more than their bodies.

Although my own father, a”h, passed away some 9 years ago, I often contemplate how my relationship with him most definitely helped shape me as a strong woman. There is more to “Daddy's little girl” than meets the eye. So, on this Mother's Day, while all the fathers pay tribute to the amazing women in their lives they should also pay attention to the “little women” they are raising to be strong and confident.