Parenting Pointers- The "Talk" With Your 8th Grader

Having the Big Talk With Your 8^th Grader

Have you had the “talk” yet with your 8^th grader? You probably have. No, I don't mean that “talk”- I mean the talk about which high school they are choosing. Some of you may be thinking that you are happy with the school to which your older children went, and this child will go to the same one. But, even if that is the outcome, the “talk” is an important one to have. This is the first big decision of your child's life. Talking through the decision with them is good modeling and training of how to make important decisions in life.

That is why this past week we had our first ever extensive 8^th Grade Orientation for parents. We discussed the practical aspects of applying to high school and of the 8^th grade year, in addition to how to choose a high school with your child. We discussed the concept of a school being a “Good Fit” for your child and your family. The research about child development, as quoted in the book The Picky Parent, isolates four categories

• What Your Child Learns – What aspects of the curriculum are essential. This include extra and co-curricular activities as well.
• How Your Child Learns: How do I want my child to be taught? These include your child's learning styles, motivation, personality and values.
• Social Issues: Who are the children my child needs to be with?
• Practical Matters: This includes finances, busing etc.
  For those 8^th grade parents who were unable to join us, please feel free to see me for additional folders with some of the information inside.

The importance of this high school decision in training for life decision making is also why “Choosing a High School” is our first unit in our 8^th grade Advisory program. In Advisory we actually do not teach the students that you need to have the talk with them. We teach them that they should have the talk with you. We discuss what considerations go into choosing a high school. First, what do they think high school is like? How do they envision high school and the high school experience? Second, how do they envision themselves in high school? What kind of person would they like to become in the next four years? This is a difficult conversation for some students who have never seriously thought about the person they want to be. This is the age when they can begin to think in this way. And, even if the high school decision is already made, it is good for your child to think about- how do I want to grow in high school? Of which opportunities should I take advantage? Should I wean myself from my present friends and look for ones who are a better influence on me? Do I want to become more independent and responsible in high school and rely less on my parents to help me with work? Do I want to take my religiosity more seriously? High school is an opportunity for our children to start fresh. We want them to take this step with thought about whom they can become.

These are some questions we have had them thinking about in Advisory and are good ones to guide your conversation with them:

1. What am I looking for in a high school?
2. What do I want to accomplish in high school- what can the school do for me?
3. What can I contribute to high school- what can they can from having me?
4. What affects my choice- where my friends go? Where my siblings went? If it's co-ed or not? If there is a strong athletics program? If there is a strong program that enriches my interests (i.e. drama,debate, choir)? What type of students go there? Does the size of the school matter (do they want a bigger pool of students, or a smaller school)? Are there other social issues to take into consideration?
5. How can parents and children make the decision together? Depending on the family children have more say than in others. Each family has to do what works for them. In Advisory we discuss how to have this give and take conversation with you.

If they and/or you are undecided, this is a great opportunity for modeling. Make a pros versus cons chart with them. Encourage them to call students they know in each school and help them formulate the questions they need to ask. Show them that adults too often have a hard time with decisions and there is a process to use.

In 8^th grade Advisory we also help them feel more comfortable about the interview, the BJEs and even filling out the application. However, we know that how to have the “High School Talk” with your parents is the most important element of Unit #1. We hope that they and you are prepared. Let me know how it goes.

The Blame Game and Teshuva

“But, Mom, I didn't do anything!” “She started it first!” “It wasn't my fault!' These are common refrains we hear often from our children. We turn to them and say, “Apologize to your sister.” And, we then hear those refrains again. This week, my Parsha and Parenting shiur was on the topic of life lessons that Teshuva can provide for us and our children. One aspect of Teshuva we discussed was the first step “Hakarat Hachet” “Recognizing the sin.” In this step, the person has to be able to acknowledge that he has done the wrong thing- not an easy task! Children often deny wrongdoing because they are afraid of our reactions or the consequences. However, the first step in fixing a wrongdoing is admitting you have committed one.

The Gemara in Yoma 22a highlights the need for this Hakarat Hachet when it comes to Teshuva. Shaul, who committed the sin of keeping Agag the Amalekite alive, was sentenced to death and the monarchy was taken away from his family. In contrast, David Hamelech, who was guilty of causing the death of Uriah Hachiti so he could marry Batsheva, was cleared and forgiven. The Maharsha asks why was Shaul was dealt with with more stringency? The difference was in their reactions to sin. When David Hamelech was told by Natan the Prophet that he had sinned he simply responded, “I sinned before G-d.” But, when Shmuel told Shaul his sin, Shaul responded, “ I sinned violating G-d's word,” and added the words, “for I was fearful of the nation, bowing to their demands.” Shaul blamed the Jewish people for causing him to sin. Dovid took responsibility for his mistake and did not attempt to shift the blame on anyone else.

So, the apology that we have forced our child to give to his sister is meaningless unless he can accomplish the first step of Teshuva, Hakarat Hachet. How do we get our children to take responsibility for their mistakes and end the “blame game”? 1. We need to normalize mistakes. We relay the message that people make mistakes- we all “mess up” at times. We will always love them no matter what mistakes they make. They will then feel more comfortable admitting that they were in the wrong. 2. When we hear them blaming another for their misdeed we need to point that out to them. “It's not about whose fault it is. It is about whose responsibility it is.” 3. The concept of free choice applies here as well. They had the choice to choose that behavior. No one forced them to choose that path. 4. We need to model taking responsibility for our own mistakes. We own up to our mistakes and apologize. Even and especially if it means apologizing to our children if it is warranted. Apologies to our spouses in front of the children is also an opportunity for modeling Hakarat Hachet. 5. When we notice our children involved in the wrong behavior, rather then pointing out what they have done we ask them, “What is it that you think you have done wrong?” The apology then must include that act of wrongdoing: “I am sorry that I took your skirt without permission.” Saying “I'm sorry” alone is never sufficient. This step forces them to “recognize” that which needs to be done differently the next time.

That is the beauty of Teshuva that we relay to our children. There is a “next time” with a clean slate. We, their parents, and G-d, the Parent of all, are always prepared to give them another chance.