"You Don't Know What You've Got Till It's Gone"

“May you be blessed, and your G-d as well should be blessed.”

            How does one love G-d?  The Gemara in Yoma 86a provides one practical way we can express love for a Being we cannot understand, “...she-yehei shem shamayim mitahev al yadecha” - that the name of G-d should be beloved through you.  The Gemara in Yoma explains, “[the one who learns Torah]...his dealings should be pleasant with others. What will others say about him? 'Lucky is his father who taught him Torah. Lucky is his teacher who taught him Torah... So and so, whom they taught Torah- look how pleasant are his ways, how upright are his deeds...'”

            Do you remember the speech your teacher at Yeshiva always gave you and your classmates before you went on the bus for a school trip? “Remember  to make a Kiddush Hashem in the way you behave.”  This past Monday, our Seventh Grade clearly made a Kiddush Hashem,  and made Yavneh proud when they visited the Hackensack Homeless Shelter- the Bergen County Housing, Health and Human Services Center.  One of the residents, after receiving the hat, gloves and scarf, said to our student, “May you be blessed, and your G-d as well should be blessed.”   What better example of Kiddush Hashem can one find!

            This past month, we spent time in Advisory preparing the students for this visit as they learned the skills of Empathy and what it means to be homeless.  The students collected the hats, gloves and scarves to deliver on this visit.   Although we prepared them for the visit, they tentatively and nervously got off the buses, not knowing what to expect. They were excited and feeling simultaneously nervous.  Moments later, when they saw the "guests," (as residents of the shelter are called),  our students sprung into action.  The students had split into groups of 2-3 students and each group approached one of the guests, handed him/her a warmth package and began to converse.  We had discussed in their training in Advisory some possible topics of conversation and the students confidently asked guests, "What sports teams do you root for?" "What's the last movie you've seen?" or "Where did you grow up?"

            Before we met the guests, Mrs. Julia Orlando, director of the Shelter, had addressed the students. She said that more important than the guests receiving the hats, gloves and scarves was the feeling they had that someone actually cared enough to have a conversation with them.  Especially during this time of year, when they have no homes and many have no family they have no hope. We have restored some of that hope to them. Mrs. Kathleen Donovan, County Executive, was also there to congratulate our students on their impressive contribution.

            After the visit, students shared how inspiring the visit was for them. I was inspired
by watching our children.  One boy shared that when he approached one  of the guests, the guest said, “I will give this to someone who needs it more than I do.” This student could not believe that even in the depths of difficulty, the guest was thinking of someone other than himself. What is our excuse? 

Many students shared that they could not believe how, “normal” the guests were,  and how they were, “Just like us.”  In fact, unbelievably, I actually knew someone at the shelter this year.  That made a tremendous impact.  They began to imagine what it would be like if they were in that position. They had learned empathy!

            Almost all of our students stated that they now appreciated what they had so much more.  I believe that this visit was perfectly planned to happen right before we all embark on vacation.  Our visit did stress to our students that no matter where we go, we represent the Jewish people- whether on vacation in Florida or at the bowling alley in Hackensack, (which is more like my family's plans!)  This visit also helped us put into perspective- what are needs and what are wants?  What are necessities and what are luxuries?  As parents, we want to provide a relaxing vacation for our children. But, we also want them to realize that it is not “coming to them.”   In our 8^th grade Advisory we talk about taking things for granted.  “Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone…”  This visit made those lyrics come alive. We thank G-d daily for all the necessities and sometimes luxuries we can afford.  May we continue to merit the ability to make His Name more beloved in the eyes of others.

Parenting Pointers- Why Age 12?

Each Wednesday, I have the privilege of teaching what we affectionately call “Girls Only Torah.”“Girls Only Torah” is an optional chug- informal learning session- open to 7th and 8th girls were we focus on Torah topics in halacha, hashkafah, Tanach, Jewish history, current events etc. that relate to women. The girls are able to request topics for future sessions. Often, a topic will emerge from a question asked by a student. The most recent topic we discussed was the answer to the question, “Why do girls reach gil mitzvot – the age where they are responsible for mitzvot- at age 12, and boys do at age 13?” This topic struck my fancy as well, as it does relate to some psychological research.

We began by explaining the sources for the age 13 for boys. We then went to the Mishna in Niddah 45, “ If a girl above 12 vows, it is valid. (We do not check her); during her 12th year, we check her.If a boy above 12 years vows, we check him; if a boy above 13 vows, it is valid.” This mishna regarding when the vows of girls count is the primary source for the age of Bat Mitzvah. In the Gemara on this mishna, Rav Chisda states, “Rebbi learns (why women are earlier than men) from Bereishit 2:22:

'ב וַיִּ֩בֶן֩ ה' אֱלֹקַ֥ים ׀ אֶת־הַצֵּלָ֛ע אֲשֶׁר־לָקַ֥ח מִן־הָֽאָדָ֖ם לְאִשָּׁ֑ה וַיְבִאֶ֖הָ אֶל־הָֽאָדָֽם

And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, He built a woman, and brought her to the man.' G-d gave women more 'binah'- understanding- than men.”This Gemara stresses the use of the word “vayiven” “and He built” as having the same root as the word “binah” - understanding- stating that women have a “bina yeteira”- an extra understanding which they develop at a younger age than men. Girls reach their intellectual maturity at a younger age than men.

Rabbi Hershel Schachter highlights that the Torah's view is confirmed by science, and quotes an article in Time Magazine, (May 10, 2004, p.59) where it reported “the brain mass of females reaches its maximum size at age eleven, while that of the males only reaches its maximum size at age 12 and a half.”

What is this “extra understanding”? We discussed the ability “l'havin davar mitoch davar”(as explained in the Gemara in Makkot in a different context)- to understand something from something else. This means greater intuition and ability to take details and form a whole picture. Along with these skills comes greater social understanding, as it states in the Gemara Bava Metzia 87a, “A woman recognizes the character of her guests better than a man does.” The girls then spent some time identifying women in Tanach who had better intuition about the people in their lives than the men did, i.e. Sarah with Yishmael versus Avraham, Rivka with Esav versus Yitzchak, Miriam versus her father Amram, the women at Chet HaEgel...

A recent December study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences has demonstrated that “men have more neural connectivity between the front and rear hemispheres of the brain, making them more adept at learning a specific skill and coordinating actions. Women have more connectivity between the right and left hemispheres, making them better at intuition, social skills and multi-tasking...the differences in neuro-wiring become more pronounced as boys and girls mature during adolescence.” Does the “onset” at adolescence indicate that there is a component of “nurture” that is influencing these differences or is it “nature”? These are interesting questions to ponder as we raise our young women, and men. (Note: My dissertation topic was related to girls' attitudes towards math and science, so this is clearly an area of interest for me).

The transition to “maturity, ” found in girls around age 12 and boys around age 13, is also a time wrought with challenges for children. Those of us who work in middle schools know this data well from first hand experience. In her book The Price of Privilege,   Dr. Madeline Levine quotes a study of levels of psychopathology, (anxiety, depression, substance use), done with sixth and seventh graders in an “affluent, suburban” neighborhood (average family income of $120,000). When these “affluent” students were in sixth grade, their levels of psychopathology were below the national average. Alarmingly, once they reached seventh grade these levels were higher, especially among girls. “Depression among the seventh grade girls was twice as high as the national norm for girls this age.” It is unbelievable to note the incredible increase in just one year between depression in sixth and seventh grade girls. “As many researchers have pointed out, early adolescence seems to represent a period of accelerated vulnerability for girls. It appears that affluent girls are at particularly high risk for depression and anxiety beginning about age twelve.”

The study quoted by Levine is “Privileged but Pressured? A Study of Affluent Youth” by Lutha and Becker. Their hypotheses for this increase in 12 year old girls are logical- hormonal changes of adolescence and advances in formal operational thinking, (Piaget's cognitive developmental stage beginning at approximately age 12 through adulthood where they are more capable of abstract thinking, logic, predictions), which leads to a high preoccupation with personal identity. Lutha and Becker also note in their findings some other reasons for increased psychopathology among girls:

1. Gender-role socialization and self-image- this is the time when they are developmentally able to begin thinking about their roles and their self-images.
2. Standards for academic excellence are the same for boys and girls, yet girls are “more likely to contend with conflicting messages from peer group and from the media with regard to displays of academic competence begin 'nonfeminine' and thus undesirable.” We see this conflict in middle school students every year as the enter the 7^th grade.
3. High concern with personal appearance and dissatisfaction with their physical appearance, which Lutha and Becker state is “more pronounced among young European and American women.”

When our girls reach the age of twelve, we are hopefully focused on ensuring that they enter gil mitzvot with the right intentions and the love for Torah and their Judaism. In fact, I believe that the Bat Mitzvah celebration can and should be the antidote to what is reported by Lutha and Becker. We highlight with our young women, (as I attempt to in my “Girls Only Torah”), that they are honored for who they are, how they think and the spiritual and learned person they are already becoming. I assure you, we who work in middle schools can already see that bina yeteira – even in sixth grade girls! We do not honor them for the dress they wear, the way they look or for how popular they are. The unique development of their brains which occurs at this age makes them primed for incredible spiritual and emotional growth, but also for terrible spiritual and emotional pain. It is therefore not a coincidence that Chazal say that age 12 is the age for Bat Mitzvah. As parents and educators we must use this milestone of Bat Mitzvah as an opportunity to strengthen our young women.