Do Something Bigger Than Yourself- Hearts and Hoops Hoopathon

“The Me Generation” was coined in the 1970's to refer to the Baby Boomers. However, we as parents of today's teens are raising what sometimes feels like to us a whole new “Me Generation.” In fact, a recent 2012 study examined the empathy levels of 14,000 university students and found that since 1979 students are becoming less empathic. Narcissism, which negatively correlates with empathy, is on the rise. They are “seeing others in terms of their usefulness rather than true friendship.” This reminds me of the 2006 study that I once quoted where 81% of 18-25 year olds think getting rich is an important goal, 64% say it's the most important goal, and only 30% believe that helping others is important. What is missing with this young adults and older teens? Somewhere they missed the skills needed to empathize and become less self-centered.

As we raise our teens we see this self- absorption exacerbated. First, we know that developmentally it is absolutely normal for teens to be self-absorbed. Often, teens focus on what is important to them, to the exclusion of everyone else. Despite the fact that we know this is normal, it is not easy to witness and experience. However, if we carefully observe the change happening in them, we can adjust our expectations and not take it personally.

Second, in today's social media society, self-centeredness is encouraged. In the Journal of Computers in Human Behavior a study highlighted how social media contributes to narcissism. College- age subjects who scored higher in narcissistic personality traits used frequent updates on their status as way to receive social approval. They found “the incessant need to gain approval at all costs.” Jean Twenge, co-author of The Narcissism Epidemic: Living In The Age of Entitlement, surveyed 1,068 college students who were asked about their social media use. 57% of subjects stated that their generation uses social networking for “self-promotion, narcissism and attention-seeking,” characteristics they said were helpful for success in a competitive world. Twenge added, “College students have clearly noticed the more self-centered traits of their peers- it's fascinating how honest they are about diagnosing their generation's downsides...And students are right about the influence of social networking sites- research has shown that narcissistic people thrive on sites like Facebook, where self-centered people have more friends and post more attractive pictures of themselves.” We expect adolescents to be self-absorbed, but it is surprising how much longer adolescence lasts today.

What can we do as parents to make sure our children are gaining the requisite skills to combat life-long self- absorption?

1. Make teens accountable for their actions so they see how their actions affect others.
2. Twenge suggests, “Giving encouragement to our children is good, but teaching narcissism -- specialness and automatic superiority -- is not. If our children are to be successful, we must teach them anti-narcissistic skills such as hard work, having respect for others, empathy, and taking responsibility.”
3. New studies conducted by Dr. Dacher Keltner show that awe helps students develop empathy. Examples given are, learning about the great work of Ghandi or experiencing an incredible piece of art. Awe makes us feel small and that there is something greater than ourselves. We then, “lose awareness of our 'self' and feel more connected to the world around us.” Adolescence is particularly a time when it is essential for us to help them “see themselves as deeply connected to the world around them, not the center of it.” (This does make me consider the time we spent in Judaic Studies highlighting the awesome events in Tanach as imperative. Additionally, the concept of “Ma rabu maasecha Hashem” “How great are your creations, Hashem” even in science class or in pointing out a wondrous events in history). Somehow awe has been seen to make people feel less impatient and more prone to volunteer their time to help others.
4. Volunteer work- and not just to get “chesed hours” or fulfill a school requirement, as Twenge notes.
   This is where tomorrow's Hearts and Hoops hoopathon for Project Ezrah comes in. This hoopathon is a project of our 7^th grade, whose Advisory curriculum is “Prepare Yourself To Change The World.” This idea for a hoopathon comes from the real-life story of Austin Gutwein who created an organization called Hoops of Hope when he was a pre-teen. He has since raised millions of dollars for the underprivileged in Africa. Austin's motto is “Do something bigger than yourself.” When we ask our students to think about the plight of others and empathize, we teach them, in essence, that there are things out there that are “bigger” than they are. As our 7^th graders help run hoopathons in grades 1-8 tomorrow we know that they will be putting into practice the idea of thinking of others- not just focusing on themselves. For isn't that what the message of the mourning period of sefirah that we ended today is all about? “V'ahavta l'reacha kamocha” “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Someone who is truly self-centered cannot love the other as he does himself- or want for the other what he wants for himself.

 Project Ezrah is truly an organization that assists so many in our community. As we tell the students tomorrow about Project Ezrah we want them to see how essential it is to worry about others and not just ourselves.

Mother's Day- The Payback?

“What would it take to pay back Mom for all she does?” is the question that Annaliza Kraft- Linder asked in an article published by Bank of America. According to Insure.com's 2014 Mother's Day Salary Index, it would cost at least $62,985, (up from $59, 862 last year!), to replace all that she does. Broken down it looks like this:

• Cooking and cleaning, $12,230
• Child care, $21,736
• Homework help, $7,290
• Chauffeur, $5,672
• Shopping, yard work, party and activity planning, finances, etc., $15,019
• Finding out what the kids are up to (paid in the equivalent value of a private detective), $1,036.

Salary.com states that mothers are worth even more, in its 2014 Mother's Day salary survey stating that “stay-at-home moms were worth $118,905 and working moms worth $70,107 (this does not include any paid salary from their job), with both groups putting more than 56 hours of overtime at home. These numbers are all up from last year's survey.”

Ms. Kraft- Linder adds that there is also what economists call the “opportunity cost” where mothers often give up time to do other things in favor of mothering. “Decades of lost wages, lost contributions to Social Security, and missed chances at career advancement” are some examples. Americans spend about $168.94 per year on their mothers. Clearly there is no way to literally “pay her back” and mothers don't expect that. (Although, Salary.com does have a pretend check you can print out to give to your mom for all she has done!)

On top of the free labor she is providing, Rabbi Tzvi Gluckin unabashedly proclaims, “Your Mom should hate you!” in his article, “Why Your Mom Doesn't Hate You Even Though She Should.” “Your mom gives you everything. That is all she does. She gives and she gets nothing back. Not from you. You take. She's a giver. You're a taker.” He goes on to describe how even before you were born you lived in our mother's womb and fed, kept warm and yet all you did was kick. Then you were born in a painful childbirth. Even then you did not say, “Thank you!” All you did was keep her up all night, and cry a lot. As you grew you continued to be ungrateful, until the “moody teenage” years. “You were difficult. You were resentful. You had to be told to do things. Twice. More than twice. And, maybe mom found you frustrating or challenging or difficult to understand, but she loved you anyway, because, well, that's what moms do. Being a mom is a thankless job.” Rabbi Gluckin then continues to say when it was time for the older child to move out on his/her own, one would think that mom would be happy and relieved- she's “free”! Yet, she is devastated. That is what unconditional love is all about.

Unconditional love, stems from undconditional giving. The word for love in Hebrew is Ahava, the root of which is Hav which means to give. To love, is to give. And the more you give of yourself, the more you are "invested" in the other person, and the more you love that person.

So, what gifts can our children give us to make it all worthwhile? I don't know about you, but all I want is to enjoy my children more. We spend so much time doing all of the above “mothering” tasks that we don't simply take the time to enjoy our children. How do we make this happen? Do we just frankly say to our children, “Help me enjoy you- that's the payback!” Dr. Vincent Monastra writes that mothers, and fathers, need to think about how much time a we spend “saying something 'nice' with” our children. For at least fifteen minutes a day, he asks us to be in a room with each one of our children and interact with him/her without peppering them with questions or correcting them. In this way, we let our children know that we are not only interested in being around them when they are in trouble or need to do a chore, but rather we “actually enjoy being her or his parent, that you love and want to be with your child, and that your child is more than just a burden to you.” And, we need to do this quickly before they don't want us around!

 Sara Debbie Gutfreund asserts that there are four gifts she says children do naturally give to their parents, as we enjoy them: 1. The Gift of Play 2. The Gift of Stories 3. The Gift of Giving 4. The Gift of Growth, all of which we could not have imagined before we had children. Ms. Gutfruend ends, “Maybe we have this whole Mother's Day thing backwards. Perhaps it's a day for mothers to appreciate the gifts our children have already given us...And, I whisper my secret to my children as I watch them sleeping, a sliver of moonlight falling across the floor, 'I love being your mother. Thank you for the gift of your presence in my life. It's a blessing that I am going to keep just for me.'”