Helping Our Teens Navigate The Maze Of Life

Last Friday I spent the day courageously traversing a giant Corn Maze (or Maize Maze) with the 8^th grade. Split into teams, it was an exercise in teambuilding and perseverance. We made it out, (okay, we exited through the entrance!), but the experience caused me to think about the imagery of the maze and what it represents in life. Particularly at this time of year, as we approach Rosh HaShana, I found meaning in the maze.

At the same time, my son and I have been engaged in a mother/son bonding experience as we have been reading the Rick Riordan series of Percy and the Olympians. Although he is already done with the series, I coincidentally am at the end of the book The Battle Of The Labyrinth. In this book, Percy Jackson needs to find his way through the labyrinth and find its creator, Daedalus who held the secret to their salvation.  The labyrinth, similar, yet different from a maze, can also be a metaphor for life and Rosh HaShana.

There is another famous maze that I recently read about in the book Who Moved My Cheese: For Teens- An A-Mazing Way To Change And Win!.  by Spencer Johnson. In this book, a parable for dealing with change, the mice and the “little people,” (named Hem and Haw), live in a maze and search the maze for “cheese”- the metaphor for what we want in life.  What is the connection between these two mazes and the labyrinth that have been appearing of late?  What message can it help us provide to our children?  

Interestingly enough, a movie called "The Maze Runner" just came out, which is based on a book from John Dashner's young adult trilogy. In the movie, the main character seeks a way out of a maze that changes daily.  I have not read the book, nor can I vouch for whether the books or the movie are appropriate for our teens, but it is interesting to note another maze geared with some message towards specifically our teens. 

A maze is an obvious metaphor for life.  As we walk along, we see a path we think we should follow, but alas it is a dead end, and we need to retrace our steps and start again.   We meet with obstacles along the way, and at times we cannot decide which way to go. Each decision we make impacts on whether we find the right path.  Sometimes our paths take us farther away from our goals. Some seem to navigate the maze easily. For others, the maze is a series of wrong turns. The frustration we feel as we make our way through the maze is particularly felt in the teenage years.  One minute the teen feels that he has it all figured out- the path is straight, and then the next moment the path is unclear and all has changed. Sometimes, for teens, the maze changes daily. 

As parents, we model for our children the way we navigate through the maze.  As  learned in Who Moved My Cheese , (originally written for adults),  there are lessons we can relay to our teens about how to overcome the frustration of the maze, when things don’t turn out the way they plan.

1.      Often our emotions cloud the way we look at things which makes the maze more complicated and challenging. Ranting and raving about injustice does not solve problems.

2.     “It’s not right” “It’s not the way things are supposed to be”- we often get stuck in what we expect to happen. Often, life is unexpected, and we need to move on on the new path with which we have been “dealt.” Are we going to move on- "vayelech" or we will get stuck "nitzvavim"? (Even the parshiot hashavua connect!)

3.     In the book, Haw says, “Things are changing around here, Hem. Maybe we need to change and do things differently.”  “Why should we change?” Hem said.  Change is difficult, but often necessary.  We often have to leave our comfort zones. And, as Haw wrote, “Old beliefs do not lead you to new cheese.”

4.     Fear of failure often prevents us from finding success. Optimistically envisioning success, even when frustrated, is important for finding your destination.

5.     “Who moved my cheese?” Spending time blaming others is never beneficial. Taking control is better than letting things happen.

6.     Reflect on mistakes you made in the past and use them to plan for the future.

7.     “The biggest inhibitor to change lies within yourself, and that nothing gets better until you change.”

8.     Although you may not like it at the time, change from what you expect often turns out to be a blessing.

As we model the above skills, when we face challenge in life, our children learn how to cope with adversity and dead ends.  Often, our ability to navigate the maze depends on our attitudes. If we treat obstacles as a natural part of life and surmountable, we can overcome. .   How will we deal with difficulties in life, and bumps in the road? Will we give up, sit down and cry? Will we cope and try again?  Will we remain optimistic? 

A labyrinth and a maze are different.  A labyrinth has only one path (unircursal) and the way in is the same as the way out.  The only choice you need to make is whether to enter or not.  We are never truly lost, but can never see where we are going.  It is a long path, even though only one path.  It is a metaphor for the journey to the center of “your most deepest self with a broadened understanding of who you are.”  

We can choose to view the maze as a labyrinth with no tricks or dead ends

The labyrinth is also a wonderful metaphor for Teshuva. The word Teshuva means to return.  A straight path to the center- returning to where we began without sin. We can return to who we really are. This path can be difficult like a maze or easier like a labyrinth, walking a path to our “spiritual centers.”  We have the map to navigate these yimei ratzon-   “Teshuva, Tefilla, U’Tzedakah.”   One might think that there is no challenge in a labyrinth, and yet it takes time to achieve our goal. Why?  We need to choose when to move closer to the center, and often we choose not to. There are things in life distracting us from the center.  But, as we know, if we wish to find our “center” it will become easier as “Haba l’taher misayin oto” (Yoma 38b)’ “He who seeks to purify himself, will receive Heavenly assistance.”   

There is also a trick to navigating through life and achieving the right path, as provided by the Mishna in Avot 3:1.  Akavya ben Mehalalel states that if we look at three things then we will not come to sin, i.e. we can reach the center of the labyrinth,  “Ma’ayin bata, u’le’an ata holech, u’lifnei mi atah atid litein din v’cheshbon”  “Know where you come from, where you are going, and in front of whom you will stand in judgment.”  During the Yamim Noraim, we ask ourselves,  “From where have we come and we are going- spiritually?”  We need to examine the path we have taken and our choices.  Most importantly, while walking the path of life, remember that we walk before G-d who sees and knows all.

Teshuva is about change- the ability to do something different this year and to overcome the fear of change of which Spencer Johnson speaks.  Often we know we must change, but we are not exactly sure what sort of change we need, A Chasidic parable talks of a man lost in the woods- similar to a maze.  A man went walking in a forest, only to find himself lost. Each time he thought he was getting somewhere, he found himself even more lost. This went on for days and days, wandering in the thick woods. Eventually, this man ran into another just like him; someone else had been wandering lost in the forest. "Hello!," said the first man, "Thank God! Now that I have found you, you can show me the way out," he said. "I don't know the way out either," said the second. "But I do know not to go the way I have come from, for that way is not the way. Now let us walk on together and find the light.

As we begin Selichot, and sit days before Rosh HaShana, I think of the words of A.J. Cronin writes in the foreword of Who Moved My Cheese?”, “Life is no straight and easy corridor along which we travel free and unhampered, but a maze of passages through which we must seek our way, lost and confused, now and again checked into a blind alley.  But always, if we have faith, a door will open for us, not perhaps one that we ourselves would ever have thought of, but one that will ultimately prove good for us.”

May this new year be one of unobstructed paths and the strength to cope when obstructions come our way.  May we merit change for the better and Teshuva to our true centers.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Sixth graders through a creative puzzle making activity focused on forming a cohesive group and highlighting how despite their differences they can become a unit.

Seventh Grade: Through the life story of Austin Gutwein, a teenager who truly changed the world, the seventh graders considered what character traits are needed to make an impact. They highlighted that first focusing on changing oneself is often the key to changing the world- a timely message!

Eighth Grade: Students learned what S.M.A.R.T goals are, and set social, emotional, family, and spiritual goals for this year. They sent themselves an e-mail containing these goals utilizing the website futureme.org which will arrive in their inbox on graduation day. They will then be able to see if they actualized their goals.  What better time to focus on goal setting than during this 

Where Have The Lazy Days Of Summer Gone?

Whether you are raising your first teen or your last, when you are having one of those “teenage moments” with your child, I recommend picking up the comic strip Zits by Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman. They seem to pinpoint exactly the issues at hand, and the laughter is a healthy outlet. (I often show the comics to students, and even they appreciate them!)

Clearly, Scott and Borgman have battled the “WAKE UP!” morning battle as we have at our own homes. What is it about teens that make them so difficult to wake up in the morning? It is all about sleep deprivation.

From the age they reach puberty until age 22 teens need about 9 hours of sleep. Teens actually need more sleep than younger children- contrary to what one might think. According to a recent study in the Journal of Adolescent Health only 8% of teens get the sleep they need and the rest of teens live with chronic sleep deprivation during the school year. Dr. Mary Carskadon, director of chronobiology and sleep research, at E.P. Bradley Hospital in Providence, Rhode Island, found that half of the teens in her study were so exhausted in the morning that they showed the same characteristics who have the sleep disorder narcolepsy. Dr. Carskadon's research focuses on the interrelation between the circadian timing system and the sleep/wake system patterns of children and adolescents. Her research suspects that the delay in bedtime and later wake- up times may be produced by the brain development- the adolescent biology.

How does this lack of sleep affect our teens? This sleep deprivation puts teens at risk for depression, obesity and threatens their academic performance and their safety. Dr. Carskadon states that teens who lack sleep are walking around in a “gray cloud.” She continues with the image that since our teens are not “filling up their tank” at night they are starting their days with an empty tank. “It affects both their mood and their ability to think and their ability to perform and react appropriately. So, we have kids out there who struggle to stay awake when driving, who could do better at sports if they could react more quickly, who are feeling blue and having trouble getting along with adults in their environment, and also who are struggling to learn in the classroom.”

There are much higher rates of depression among teens than ever before. The lack of sleep most definitely affects mood and the ability to regulate mood. In the 2008 National Sleep Foundation study they surveyed 1600 adolescents. More than 56% said they felt “stressed out” or “anxious” or “hopeless about the future.” Less sleep correlated with higher levels of depression- a vicious cycle as lack of sleep affects mood, and depression leads to problems falling asleep.

Likewise, being tired adds to procrastination and time management problems, which in another vicious cycle leads to staying up even later to do work. The overscheduling of extracurriculars can also contribute to later sleep times.

Why have these sleep patterns gotten worse? Common sense indicates that teens have so much more available at night to distract them- computers, phones etc. all in their bedrooms. Additionally, culturally, there is little focus on the importance of sleep. In Health curricula we see units on nutrition, exercise, safety, but nothing on sleep.

What can we do for our sleep deprived teens? Even with teens, limit-setting around bedtime makes an impact, asserts Dr. Carskadon, Consistency as much as possible all week is helpful. Often teens do something called “binge sleeping” over the weekend. It does replenish our “empty sleep tanks, “ but it has a negative impact as it “gives the brain a different message of when it is nighttime.” On weekends, they may be telling their brains that night is midnight and morning is 11 am. However, on Monday, the brain is still in that mode, when they should be getting back on schedule. It is difficult to have a significantly different sleep schedule on weekends. (This is another benefit of going to Minyan even on weekends!)

All technology should be off at least an hour before bedtime. Electronic screens actually emit “blue light' which sends a signal to the brain to suppress melatonin, which prevents us from feeling sleepy. Aside from that, if the anxiety often created by social media can prevent falling asleep- i.e. a friend posting something distressful. Many parents have the practice of collecting all cellphones, iPods etc. at a certain time of night, and charging them in the parents' bedroom or a central location, so sleep is possible without hearing constant texts being received. Dimming lights all around the house also helps prepare our bodies towards sleep. Additionally, simply educating our teens about the importance of sleep can make a difference.

The research on teens and sleep has led to a growing discussion about start times for school in the teenage years. I have often wondered how it impacts Tefilla in the morning for teens. This thought most definitely argues for more engaged Tefilla with more singing and davening aloud.

The good news is that out teens' new found love of sleeping during the day does allow us adults to finally earn our Shabbat naps. As we know, Shabbat is the acronym for “shayna b'Shabbat taanug” “sleep on Shabbat is a pleasure.” Just a reminder, though, of what I wrote in a column a few years ago, “Those of us who are parents of teens have waited years for our children to be independent enough so we can leave them to their own activities and take a well-deserved afternoon rest. However, half- Shabbos reminds us that our teens still need us on Shabbat, as Dr. David Pelcovitz has stressed. It's never too late to start spending quality time Shabbat afternoon. Many 'half-Shabbos' teens have indicated that if their parents were around, they would not text on Shabbat.” So, after nap time, is quality time, as it says in the Shabbat night zemer “Ma Yedidut”

Your walk be slow;
Call the Sabbath a delight.
Sleeping is praiseworthy
when for restoring the soul.
Therefore my soul for you[i.e., the Sabbath] is longing,
to be content [on it] in love.
Fenced in like roses;
on it shall son and daughter rest

Notice it calls for son and daughter to rest as well! May this school year be one of restful and restorative sleep, and alert, soulful days.

Advisory Update: (Each week I will be providing you with a brief synopsis of what we covered in Advisory class this past week). 

Sixth Grade- Our sixth graders have begun Advisory- a social/emotional class they have twice a week. This week's lessons focused on relaying what the goals of Advisory are and getting to know their group members and Advisors. Sixth Grade Advisory focuses on helping students succeed in middle school through academic, social and emotional skills through its theme, “Do You Want To Succeed In Middle School? Here's How...”

Seventh Grade- Seventh graders have been introduced to the theme of 7^th Grade Advisory “Prepare Yourself to Change the World.” Lessons have highlighted how even teens can make an impact on the world around them, and how we plan to do so in Advisory this year.

Eighth Grade- Eighth graders began the year viewing interviews of graduates highlighting the challenges and excitement of 8^th grade. Students have been introduced to the theme of 8^th Grade Advisory “Preparing for Life After Yavneh.”