“Why don't you ever listen?!?”
Sounds like a common refrain in households where teens abide. It
might escalate to “Hello! Am I talking to the walls?” At times
it is difficult to ascertain whether their earbuds are in or not.
The truth is, they have slyly tricked us all. They look like they are
not listening, but they truly are absorbing every single word.
Research demonstrates that teens are
in fact listening to what we tell them. 70% of teens identify their
parents as the most important influence in their lives, according to
Rice and Veerman. Research over and over again proclaims that teens
emphatically state that their parents' opinions and discussions with
them affect their decision making in all at-risk behaviors including
drinking alcohol, engaging in other illegal substances etc.
Those conversations at dinner- where
we see them rolling their eyes and eager to get out of the kitchen
and on-line? That too is an act! When families eat dinner together
children are less likely to drink, smoke, use drugs, have an eating
disorder, get depressed, consider suicide, fail at school or have
sex. They must be listening to something we're saying at those
dinners!
In fact, teens actually like spending
time with us more than they will admit. An Associated Press/MTV Study
of Young People and Happiness of 2007 asked people ages 13-27 “What
makes you happy?” The top answer that question was “spending
time with family.” “Parents are seen as an overwhelmingly
positive influence in the lives of most young people. Remarkably,
nearly half of teens mention at least one of their parents as a
hero.”
In an article written by a religious
Christian named Steve Wright, he quotes another piece of interesting
research, “The Barna Research Group found that Eighty- Five percent
of parents with children under the age of 13 believe they have
primary responsibility for teaching their children about religious
beliefs and spiritual matters. However, a majority of parents don't
spend any time during a typical week discussing religious matters or
studying religious materials with their children.” Interestingly
enough, he ends his article quoting Devarim 6:7-9 (otherwise known to
us as the “shema”)- “Impress them on your children. Talk about
them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you
lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and
bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your
houses and on your gates.” Recite your values over and over until
they practically get sick of it. Or more accurately, until they can
recite it in their minds without your even being there. Don't ever
stop having the “talks.”
For those who have been reading my
column for some time, you will recognize that this is my opportunity
to bring up my favorite Gemara regarding Yoseph, Yaakov and
parenting. When Yoseph was in the house of Potiphar, far from home
and his family, he faced the difficult situation of the wife of
Potiphar. The Gemara in Sotah 36b describes, “It was taught in the
School of R. Ishmael: That day was their feast-day, and they had all
gone to their idolatrous temple; but she had pretended to be ill
because she thought, I shall not have an opportunity like to-day for
Joseph to associate with me. And she caught him by his garment,
saying etc. At
that moment his father's image came and appeared to him through the
window and said: 'Joseph, your brothers will have their names
inscribed upon the stones of the ephod and yours amongst theirs; is
it your wish to have your name expunged from amongst theirs and be
called an associate of harlots?' Immediately his bow abode in
strength.”
Clearly Yoseph's father was far away
in Canaan- how could he have seen the image of his father Yaakov in
the window? That image of Yaakov that he saw was the voice in his
head. Over and over he had heard his father say, “Good boys don't
act that way. In our family, our values are...” And, of course,
like any teenager, (Yoseph was just 17 when he went to Egypt), he
said to his dad, “I know, I know- why do you keep on telling me the
same thing?!” And, yet, Yaakov continued sending those messages.
That is why, when faced with challenge to his morality, he heard that
voice in his head.
So, when we have our frequent “talks”
with our children they say to us, “I know, I know- enough already!”
And, yet when they are faced with challenge, whether peer pressure
to do the wrong thing or the temptation to engage in any at-risk
behavior, they will hear our voices in their head, and practically
see our images before them reminding them of what they should do.
Returning to the paragraph from
Devarim quoted by Mr. Wright, that perek does really stress in the
importance of constant conversations with your children about issue
that are important to you. In actuality, experts share that there
aren't any big “talks” you should be having with your kids. Dr.
Yocheved Debow, in her book Talking About Intimacy And Sexuality-
A Guide For Orthodox Jewish Parents, stated,
(page 8), “One of the biggest myths about how parents should
provide sexuality education to their children is the notion of 'the
big talk.' This is the idea that all parents must have one important
and serious conversation with their children about puberty and
menstruation and changes children should expect in their bodies.
Some parents may choose to include something about sexual activity
and their values in this regard during this important conversation.
Once we have had a big talk with our children and presented them with
what we perceive they need to know, we have successfully fulfilled
our parental responsibilities in this area. This notion,
however , is false. Speeches do not necessarily educate. There are
no values that we transmit to our children in a single conversation,
whether about faith or manners or respect or the importance of an
education. We allow ourselves to be in an ongoing conversation with
our children about many topics, which we address in different ways at
different ages and stages of development.
We encourage dialogue and listen to our children's thoughts and
opinions about these matters. Our job actually begins when our
children are very young...Remembering that educating about sexuality
is in fact so much more than simply educating about the sexual act
helps us recognize the need for conversations with our children over
the years.”
(
TO HEAR MORE OF DR.
YOCHEVED DEBOW'S
ADVICE AND EXPERTISE JOIN
US ON WEDNSDAY JANUARY 7, 7:30 PM ON THE TOPIC OF “What
Every Parent Needs To Know About Development and Sexuality: A
Workshop for Parents of Children All Ages and Stages”).
They are listening, as we have proven
above. So, let's not stop talking. Or as Mr. Wright ends his column,
“Your teens are listening...so what are you saying?”
Advisory Update
- Sixth Grade- Students discussed what it is like to get their first middle school report card. They hypothesized why they got the grades they did and set goals for how they can do better. They also prepared themselves for a talk with their parents about those goals.
- Seventh Grade- Our seventh graders ended their unit on “When Life Gives You Lemons” focusing on the power of self-talk and affirmations in maintaining a positive attitude and achieving resiliency. They culminated this unit in a visit from Mrs. Shifra Srolovitz, a Child Life Specialist, who trained them in decorating stuffed dogs with inspirational messages for ill children, utilizing the skills they learned in Advisory.
- Eighth Grade- Students discussed the power of Instagram and social media in general and the impact it has on social exclusion and privacy.
