The Four Sons- Which One Is The Teenager?

The fours sons are typically explained as representing four different types of people in Klal Yisrael, and how each deserve a different explanation of the Pesach story. We call this in the world of education "differentiated instruction," or as Dovid Hamelech said centuries ago,  "Chanoch la'naar al pi darko..."  “Educate each child according to his way.”

I would like to suggest, that the four sons are not four types of people, but rather four stages of development in a child's life.  When a child is in the "early childhood years"  he is "sh'aino yodeah l'shol."  As he grows into the lower school years he becomes the tam- a bit more educated, but not quite there yet.  And, then we have the words of the "rasha"  “Mah haavodah hazot lachem” “What is this work to you?!.", which sounds something like your teenager might say to you when irritated by something you are attempting to impose upon him.  

Of course, I am not implying that teenagers are "wicked!"  Most teens give us much nachat most of the time. But, often their comments try our patience, and we have to seriously consider how our responses will impact on their view of and love for Judaism as they grow older.  

As we know, the four sons are taken from the Chumash where it indicates in four different places how to respond to our children regarding the Exodus.  The first son who receives a response is the "rasha."  Rabbi Yisrael Rice, in his article "Your Inner Teenager," identifies the teenage qualities in the rasha and puts an interesting spin on the pesukim in Shemot 12:25-26. "' And it shall come to pass when you come to the land which G-d will give you, according to His promise, that you shall keep this service of observing Passover.  And, it shall come to pass, when your children shall say to you, "What the heck are you guys doing?'” (Instead of “What is this work to you?” Clearly not the words of the pasuk).  “The whole family is together doing one thing; in walks this child and rejects whatever it is that is going on.  Sounds to me like an archetypical teenager...And even before we leave Egypt, G-d is telling us that in the future, your kids will give you lip." 

Rabbi Rice continues to point out how the teenager has similar qualities to the rasha.  "Let us look at our archetypical teenager.  S/he is at a remarkable stage in life of seeking self-definition. In order to adequately experience this stage s/he does not want to be part of the norms of general society.  This may manifest itself in many shapes and forms. But the common denominator is that they are now, in some way, apart from the world of their childhood years.  And if you don't go through this stage, well then, you are still a kid."  

We know that teens need to go through this stage of individuation when it may appear as if they are rejecting the values of their parents.  As parents of teens, how do we help our teens when they may feel that Judaism is too “confining, leaving little room for individuality and self- development,” as noted by Rabbi Steven Katz in Jewish Action?   “They view the halachos of Shabbos and Yom Tov as restrictive, depriving them of ‘fun.’”  What do we do when those qualities demonstrated by the rasha rear their heads?

Rabbi Jay Goldmintz, in his article “Why Aren’t Our Kids In Shul?” sees this phenomenon evident in teens’ shul attendance.  I believe that Rabbi Goldmintz’s answer to this tefilla problem can relate to all areas of religious resistance we often find in teens.  Many assume that the sure way to drive a child away from Judaism is to “force” him or her.  Rabbi Goldmintz states that the research indicates just the opposite.  On research done on teens and church attendance, Dr. Kenneth Hyde notes, “Most children regard worship as uninteresting and boring, nevertheless, it is the children who have been regularly involved in it who are more likely to retain the habit of church attendance when free to abandon it.”  In Rabbi Goldmintz’s words, “many children don’t want to attend religious services, but those adults who end up attending services on their own are those who went as children even they didn’t want to .  Simply the more you force your child to go to shul, the more likely it is that he or she will continue to go to shul later in life.”   

One might seemed shocked at this idea- won’t forcing turn him/her off?  Rabbi Goldmintz continued that developmentally it makes perfect sense.  Teens are trying to figure out who they are, but that search must happen within the system.  Don’t we “force” our teens to do many things which they would not do otherwise, such as chores, homework, visits to relatives etc.?  We hope that as they grow they will come to appreciate these values.  But, if we simply let them off the hook now, they may opt out altogether.  We need to “keep them in the ‘game.’”  He is not advocating never being flexible, and of course there are exceptions, but in general the message should be “in this family, going to shul is a value that we will not concede.”  (Rabbi Goldmintz continues in his article to share some important ways we as parents can make davening a meaningful experience for our teens).  Rabbi Goldmintz’s message is a fitting one for the rasha. 

One might have wondered, why do we even bother having the rasha at our seder if he is so resistant and argumentative?  That is Rabbi Goldmintz’s point as it relates to all areas of religious growth. He may not appreciate the laws and statutes now, but if he keeps on returning to the seder each year, he will eventually come to it on his own.

Rabbi Rice continues to ask, Why is the rasha the first one who is who receives a response in the Chumash?    The Chumash is pointing out that there are definitely qualities of the teenage years that we as adults and Jews can emulate.  As observant Jews we often fall in the routine and rote of practice.  We settle into "mediocrity" and allow "norms to box us in."  The theme of Pesach is to ability to break free from the shackles of slavery, "being defined as a nation, developing an identity and rejecting all around us to experience something new and sublime."  Pesach is about redemption and change.  All things the teen does well.

The teen turns to us and says, "Do you see what I am about? I am about change! However life has been until now will not do.  My life is a point of departure. A redemption, as it were. I may need to wear different clothes, talk funny and be less accessible in order to facilitate my change.  But what about you?  You have all the rules printed up, all the recipes followed, and songs sung with proper cadence and melody- but no soul.  I don’t see anyone changing.  I don’t see anyone experiencing redemption.”

What does the response in the haggadah mean, “So too, shall you blunt his teeth?”  Remove the sharpness of his argument in your mind- view it in a different way.  What the rasha is telling us is not so bad. When your teen is resistant, change your viewpoint.  Maybe we need to be a bit more like our teens, according to Rabbi Rice and emulate their ability to change. Or, maybe, in a more basic way, when our teens are resistant every so often, we need to remind ourselves that it’s just a passing stage. In a few more years, they will be the chacham .

Advisory Update

Sixth Grade-  Students tackled some real-life friendship dilemmas and how they would solve them.

Seventh Grade-  Tattling verus telling? Are we hesitant to tell someone when something wrong is happening? What are the consequences for coming forward? How do we withstand those fears?

Eighth Grade-  Students had the opportunity to discuss their experience in the Holocaust play – how it changed their views, what went well and what could have gone better?

Freaky Friday And The Pesach Seder

As we prepare for Pesach, we are reminded of the Mishna in Pesachim 116b which states, "Chayav adam lirot et atzmo ke-ilu hu yatza me-mitzraim -one is obligated to see himself as if he left Egypt."   Based on this mishna, Pesach is the holiday of empathy- where we imagine what it would be like to be slaves in Egypt.  The Rambam’s text has a different version as he states, "Chayav adam le-harot et atzmo ke-ilu hu yatza me-mitzraim - one is obligated to show himself as if he left Egypt."  We know that based on these words of the Rambam, some actually act out the Exodus, as they parade around the table with matzot on their backs. They actually “pretend” to leave Mitzrayim.  This play acting is perhaps to make that empathy even easier.   Is it hard to truly feel something unless you have been through it yourself.  As free American Jews we have a difficult time relating to the slavery, and fulfilling the obligation to “see oneself as if he left Egypt.”  But, if we physically act out their pain, we can empathize more easily.    

This difference between the mishna in Pesachim and the Rambam is similar to the discussion the 8^th graders went through this past week in Advisory.  This unit is about the changing Parent-Child relationship they are now encountering as they enter adolescence.  As part of this unit we show clips from the movie “Freaky Friday.”  In “Freaky  Friday,” a teenager (Anna), and her mother simply cannot get along.  It is clear that they do not understand each other- they cannot empathize with each other’s position. Mom cannot understand how the Anna can get in trouble in school, be disrespectful or fight with her brother.  Anna cannot understand how mom needs to discipline her, and how Mom would like her to make her upcoming wedding a priority over Anna’s music band.  When they go out to eat in an Asian restaurant one of the owners witnesses their inability to understand each other and  puts a “spell” over them. The next morning, each wakes up in the body of the other- they have literally switched places.  In the next days, Anna begins to understand the pressures her mother has, and Mom begins to understand the challenges faced by Anna.

In essence, the challenge of every parent-teen relationship is the “obligation” to “see oneself as if he himself was a teen/parent.”  A mother must be able to empathize with her teen’s experiences, and a teen must be able to empathize how difficult it is to be a parent. Only with the true empathy can the relationship flourish. “Freaky Friday” maintains that they only way to do so is to actually live the life of the other- the Rambam’s view, as it is truly hard to feel something unless you have gone through it yourself.

Chances are, (or hopefully), none of us will wake up tomorrow morning in the body of our teen.  So, how can we “l’harot et atzmainu ke’ilu hayinu” teenagers?  (A bit of poetic license there!)   Well, the good news is that if we dig deep back into the recesses of our minds- we actually were teenagers at one point.  Yes, there are facets of that life that we have blocked out of memory, but some of it we can recall.   Every so often when engaged in a struggle with our teens, we need to take a step back and say, “Hey. I was a teenager too.  What did it feel like to feel when I was his age?” That is one path to empathy. The ability to see the perspective of the other- without having to actually switch bodies.   For now, teens themselves have a hard time with empathy, as even neurologically they are just beginning to have the ability to empathize. We, therefore, as parents need to help them see the perspective of others. We do this by continually highlighting in a casual way how the other is feeling.

Or, maybe on the next “movie night”, you and your teen should watch “Freaky Friday” together- (I cannot vouch for the appropriateness of the whole movie, as I only show clips-so you probably want to check it out first).  After the movie, having a chat about what it’s like to switch places is probably the second best thing to actually waking up in the body of the other.  

Advisory Update:

6^th Grade-  Students discussed different “friendship problems” and some possible ways to solve them.

7^th Grade-  Students highlighted one reason why people tend not to stand up to injustice- the fear of “snitching.” Does such fear exist among us?

8^th Grade-  Continuing the parent-teen relationships unit, students discussed segments of “Freaky Friday” and the importance of perspective taking.

Live Long And Prosper- The Challenge

            Recently, with the passing of Leonard Nimoy,  Star Trek fans suffered the loss of their dear Mr. Spock.  Although I am not a Trekkie, (but I have been known to use Star Trek episodes for a good Advisory or NCSY program!), it hit home as Leonard Nimoy was a Jewish boy from Boston whose father owned a barber shop. My father, a”h, was also from Boston and remembered that barber shop well.  (Although a Yankee fan myself, my father was an avid Red Sox fan, as was Nimoy, so that also creates a sense of affinity).  I have often thought of his famous Vulcan salute, based on the hands of the Kohanim and his catch phrase, “Live long and prosper,” which he stated was based on the Birchat Kohanim.

            This phrase, “Live long and prosper” struck a chord after three pieces I have recently read.  First, is an issue of Time Magazine  from February 23  which featured numerous articles on, “This Baby Could Live To Be 142 Years Old- Dispatches From The Frontiers of Longevity.”  This special double issue targets the research on longevity and the secret to “living long and prospering.”  Whether it is a compound called rapamycin, which has been injected into mice and is slowing aging and damage to cells or manipulating genes, there are solutions related to finding a “cure for aging.”  There are, of course, lifestyle changes we can make to extend life, as the articles note. Some areas focused upon in Time are more exercise, wearing sunglasses, wearing sunscreen, stimulating your mind, specific diets, being married etc.  

            As a psychologist, the research on how mindset and attitude affect the physiology of aging has always been of interest to me. Dr. Ellen Langer, a psychologist at Harvard, who has been studying aging and the mind stated, “Let’s treat mind and body as just words.  Let’s put them together as one thing and say anywhere you put the mind, you also put the body.”  “Meditation, optimism, resilience and social connection” all apply to the “mind” arena.  A gene that codes for inflammation, one cause of aging, is regulated by meditation.  Reducing stress reduces cellular damage.  Then, of course, there is the optimism effect.  Those who score higher on tests of optimism also have lower rates of heart disease, cancer and mortality.   Cynics tend to have higher risks of death. 

            How would the wise Mr. Spock relate to the above research on the strategies to “live long and prosper?” Well, one might maintain that Spock the rationalist would not believe in the effect of the emotions on life expectancy, but then again, he was a scientist and science does clearly demonstrate its efficacy.  

            The second piece of reading, to which I referred above, was a book that my daughter is reading for class, which I picked up to read as well. (I recently have been making an effort to read the books my children are reading so that we can discuss.  I have been finding it a good way to share experiences with my children- without even helping them with assignments related to the book. I highly recommend it!)  Tuck Everlasting, by Natalie Babbit, tells of the Tuck family who drank from a spring whose waters, unbeknownst to them, prevented them from aging or suffering any physical harm. They do not perceive their being able to live forever as the blessing one might imagine.  Winnie Foster discovers them, has the opportunity herself to drink the waters, and chooses not to do so.  The question of aging comes to mind.  Do we want to live forever?   Which is more important- to live long or to prosper? If one lives long without “prospering,” as Jesse states in the book that he wishes to do something important, then is it worth living?   Or, as Judaism maintains in Megillat Eicha 3:39,  “Mah yitonen adam chai” “Why does a living man complain?” That all life is precious- no matter what the quality.

             The third piece of reading, (again read due to the fact that my son was reading it), was The Giver , by Lois Lowry.  In the Giver, the elderly are “released” when the community feels they have lived long enough.   Such an idea is antithetical to the Jewish ideal of respect to the elderly, and the sanctification of life.  Who are they to decide that their elderly have “lived long” enough?

            In thinking about the questions regarding aging and living a prosperous life, I have been considering,  What is the message we as parents can relay to our children?

In Bereishit 47:8, Pharaoh asks Yaakov how old he is.  Yaakov answers that he is 130 years old and “few and bad have been the days of the years of my life.” Yaakov is indicating, uncharacteristically, that he has “lived a long life” but has not “prospered.”  The Daat Zekenim M’Baalei HaTosafot states that Yaakov was found at fault for complaining thusly, and therefore, the Midrash states, 33 years were deducted from his life due to the 33 words he uttered.   Perhaps, I would like to maintain that the deduction of years was not a punishment. Rather,  like the research on optimism and attitude, due to his negative attitude the deduction of years was a natural result of a negative mindset.  He did not see his life as “prosperous.”  “You are as old as you feel.”

This is the message I want to relay to my children.  It is not enough to “live long,” but one must also “prosper.”  It is a conscious decision to see life as prosperous, rather than as a failure. One can see the cup as half full or half empty.  “Half full” people do not just live long- (as science has proven), but they have made the choice to see themselves as prospering.  The more one visualizes that success, the greater the chance one has to actually be successful.   So, “Live long and prosper,” is not just a blessing, it is a challenge we present to our children to live life with optimism, hope and a successful mindset.  

Advisory Update:

6th Grade-   Sixth graders began a unit on the topic of "Who is a friend?" What is true friendship? What qualities do we look for in a friend?

7th Grade-  Students discussed the "bystander effect" and why so many do nothing when they see injustice.

8th Grade-  Students continued a unit on the changing relationship between parents and teens.