Making This Summer "Time Rich"

Today, on the way home from school, I stopped at the park with my younger children just because they asked.  And, even when it started pouring, we remained- in our raincoats. (Yes, that was my family you saw at the park on River Road in the rain!)  When do I ever have the time or inclination to just take a break and enjoy my children?  Usually, it starts the day before summer vacation.  No homework. No meetings to rush to.  No pressure to finish dinner by a certain time.  Life is good.   Summer is on its way. We have all the time in the world.

In the December 20, 2014 issue of The Economist appeared an article called “Search of Lost Time- Why Is Everyone So Busy? ” The author quotes John Maynard Keynes, a British economist, who wrote in 1930 predicting that in the near future  “‘our grandchildren’ would work around ‘three hours a day’, and probably only by choice.  Economic progress and technological advances had already shrunk work hours considerably by his day, and there was no reason to believe this trend would not continue. Whizzy cars and ever more time-saving tools and appliances guaranteed more speed and less drudgery in all parts of life. Social psychologists began to fret: whatever would people do with all their free time?”

The author points to a “time scarcity problem” which is ever present in today’s world- especially among parents. The reality is, that there is more leisure time than there was 40 years ago.  It is our perception that causes us to always feel rushed.   Time is understood in relation to money.  If one wastes time, one wastes money and therefore time is valuable. The more valuable something is, the more scarce it seems.  Even leisure time is full of stress, as one “feels compelled to use it wisely.”  He calls this “time poverty.” People are earning more money, but not more time to spend it.

Daniel Hamermesh of University of Texas at Austin coined the term “yuppie kvetch.”  Well- off families complain more of insufficient time.  The more cash-rich, the more time-poor one feels. This even leads to a “harried leisure class” whose leisure time does not at all feel leisurely.  And, being educated is not the solution either. Today, “professionals work twice as long hours than their less-educated peers.”

This leads to the need for immediate gratification, which we know plagues our internet generation.  If it takes too long- then we cannot wait and waste time. This is exacerbated by e-mail, smartphones and the necessity to respond immediately and always be on-call.  Constant multi-tasking causes us to feel pressured for time, according to Elizabeth Dunn at University of British Columbia in Vancouver.  Nothing ever feels completely done.  We hardly ever stop to consider,  “Time on earth may be uncertain and fleeting, but nearly everyone has enough of it to take some deep breaths, think deep thoughts and smell some roses, deeply.”  Peggy Noonan states, “Once we had more time than money in America.  Now we have more money than time. That is the difference between your child’s America and yours.”

I, with all the parents of school-age children, feel intensely the harried life described in the Economist on a daily basis- including weekends! Our children are pressed for time. We are pressed for time. And, we spend not enough quality time together.

Then there is summer.  The season for quality time.

When my children started going to sleepaway camp, I was excited for the once in a lifetime experience they were about to have.  (Please make sure to have those important pre-camp talks with your child.  As a reminder- here’s a column which outlines some essential components to this talk- http://parentingpointersfrohlich.blogspot.com/2014_06_01_archive.html)

But, I was also feeling that summer is actually the one time of year my children are not overprogrammed after school.  We can just go to a movie if we want. We can go to the library on a whim. We can even go for Slurpee on 7/11 and no one is worried about all the work that needs to be done at home.  Why am I sending my children away at the one time of year I can actually enjoy them and enjoy being with them? 

Even if we do send them off to camp, we do have weeks during the summer when the days and evenings are more free.  How can we make those days “time rich” and not “time poor”?  

Today, being Rosh Chodesh, we are reminded of the Jewish value of sanctification of time. We know the first mitzvah commanded to the Jewish people as a nation was, “This month shall be for you the first of the months, it will be the first month of the year"  (Shemot 12:2).   The value of making the most of one’s time is at the root of our nation. But, we are to sanctify it- how?  Through making sure it has true everlasting value, not monetary value.

I am the type that makes lists of things to do over vacation- I never really learned the fine art of relaxing.  I, therefore, am making a commitment to not feel pressed for time, and fill that time with enjoying my family.  I am going to stop at more parks, stop to smell the roses, and sanctify time.

Have a wonderful summer of time to enjoy and timeless memories.

The Power Of Words

 "Life and death are in the hand of the tongue " (Mishlei 18:21).  In this pasuk, Shlomo HaMelech asserted the power of our words.   Mightier than the sword, a comment can truly destroy a person, or of course, rebuild a person.  This theme was present in the past weeks in programs for Yavneh students and parents.   

  FOR STUDENTS:

"The Power of Words" is the title of a short video we showed our seventh graders when they returned from their visit to the homeless shelter in Hackensack at    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hzgzim5m7oU .   It was a natural follow up from their visit, as clearly the main character is begging for money.  After they had the opportunity to meet similar types of people face to face, this video definitely hit home.  The students shared that they were able to see first hand the power of their words- how their simple conversations with residents in the shelter,  when they handed them gifts, lit up their faces and relayed the message that someone cares about them. 

         But, the primary goal of showing them this short clip was to lead to a discussion about the power of words and their impact on others in our day to day lives at Yavneh.  Periodically, we run what we call "Quality Circles" based on Dr. Rona Novick's BRAVE- anti-bullying program.   A Quality Circle is a chance for the student to discuss frankly, "How are we doing here at Yavneh at creating an environment where everyone feels respected and accepted?"   This time we wanted the students to honestly look at themselves and evaluate the words they are using and/or hearing in the hallways, in class or the lunchroom.  Are they words that allow everyone to feel safe and accepted in school?  If not, what are they doing as bystanders to make a difference?  We also show them the following short clip at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OIfGoNfm4w&feature=related      which graphically demonstrates the almost physical  power of the words that a peer can express towards a peer. 

        This message of the power of words that the seventh grade experienced was relayed in grades pre-k-8  in our school-wide "Good Word Day."  About a month ago, some 7th and 8th attended a Tolerance Conference and were challenged to bring back a program to their school to spread inclusiveness and stand up to bullying.  They came up with the idea for "Good Word Day"  where they created a video (If you haven't seen it already, here it is: https://youtu.be/ZCiVttGXhsM ) interviewing staff members and students what they  have done to combat bullying and what is their "good word" (a word you use to make others feel good).  Every child wrote his/her good word on a post it and it was hung with those of the rest of the students on our "Wall of Words" for all to see. They also wrote the word on a label they wore, thereby expressing to their peers how they want to be encouraged and supported.  (Congratulations to committee members Ellie Fried, Beth Gononsky, Daniel Hirsch, Daniella Holler, Lara Jacobowitz, Molly Lopkin, Brooke Newman, Keren Plaut,  Noah Schultz, Abe Spectre- Covtiz, and Coby Zwebner on an incredible day!)

            Our eighth graders then ended their career here at Yavneh by writing to their classmates what makes them special.  Students have the chance to write something positive about their friends to be placed on a label in the sefer they are receiving from the school at the brunch. We stress to them the power of the words they are writing, as it is an opportunity for students to look at their inscriptions and feel good about themselves. 

        This past Tuesday, the power of words theme was continued when two 7th grade students, Miriam Fisch and Gittel Levin, came forward to run our 2nd Lashon Hara Awareness Week.  Rabbi Furst spoke of the impact of Lashon Hara, and dedicated this week to the memory of his mother, a"h.   Students were asked to sign up for Lashon Hara free hours this week.  

FOR PARENTS:

     The power of words came to the fore again when Dr. Sarah Roer recently  presented a parent workshop on Raising Children With Healthy Body Images and Attitudes Towards Food.  The session was dynamic, interactive and practical. Parents benefited from directed Q and A in addition to her presentation.  Many ideas she discussed stood out in my mind.

        Dr. Roer first presented the dilemma with which we are all presented that we want our children to be healthy, but deep down-despite all we might say- we want them to fit in with image of beauty in the world.  Dr. Roer spoke of the importance of helping children regulate their eating from birth and eating when they are hungry. 

        She then presented how the power of one's words impact body image.  One particular idea that specifically stood out was that for middle school children, the voice that has the most power when it comes to body image is the parent.   Children with unhealthy body images or even eating disorders consistently point out to how their parents' references to their weight and their parents' comments about their food contributed to their difficulties.  Comments like, "Are you sure you want to eat that?"  "Do you really need another cookie?"  can make an indelible impact.  Additionally, the power of our words when it comes to combatting harmful media messages about body image, is essential.  Parents "need to be in the room" when watching television etc. to have conversations about positive body images.  In general, parents can be a strong voice in helping their children be critical consumers of media from a young age.   

        Parents' words can also be powerful as they set the rules for food consumption in the home. Dr. Roer said it is essential that the rules be the same for all children- no matter if they are "overweight" or "underweight."   A child should never feel that he/she is the "target child."  She stressed that the goal of parents is to never say any food is off limits- but just to talk about moderation.  Dr. Roer talked about the power of how we as parents frame difficulties our children might face in the conversations we have with them.  If your child, for example, struggles with math a comment from you like, "You know what? Some things come easy and some come harder.  You can be good at it, but you'll have to work harder."  Conversations like that are all a part of learning to embrace who we are.  

        What if your child says to you, "Look- I'm fat!" "When kids ask tough questions", Dr. Roer noted, "We get crazy.  We think when kids ask us something we have to know the answer and there's only one response.  It's a hard moment.   Don't say, 'Of course you're not.' Instead,  'That sounds painful- why are you so hard on yourself?'"  

        Some parents worried at the end of her presentation, "But what if I already 'messed up' and said the 'wrong' things to my children?" That is the power of rethinking your words.  Dr. Roer answered, "You can fix it. You can go back and tell your child, 'I've been thinking about it, and I said something I should not have..."  That is an "authentic parenting moment."   

        From the time of birth the power of the words of a parent is evident as Tina Rosenberg writes in “The Power Of Talking To Your Baby.”  In trying to ascertain why underprivileged children are already behind academically by the time they are a year old, Roseberg states that “that the key to early learning is talking — specifically, a child’s exposure to language spoken by parents and caretakers from birth to age 3, the more the better.” The stream of parent- to – child “baby talk” seems to be essential for a child. 

        Research by Betty Hart and Todd R. Risley at the University of Kansas, studied how parents of different socioeconomic backgrounds speak differently to their babies by recording an hour monthly of parent- child interaction.  “They were looking for things like how much parents praised their children, what they talked about, whether the conversational tone was positive or negative.”  They noted that children in “professional families” heard more words per hour than working class families, and girls heard more language from their parents than girls did.  And, watching television didn't help academic skills- it actually hurt.   Things don’t seem to change as children enter adolescence.  Positive tone, praise, and the amount of time we spend talking to our children impacts them as teens.

           When Man was created in Bereishit 2:7 Hashem blew into him a soul and he became a "nefesh chaya" "a living soul."   Rashi states that "nefesh chaya" is having the ability to think and speak,   or as Unkelos states, "ruach m'malilah"- "a spirit who speaks."  In fact, speech is the tool for creation, as it says, "And, Hashem said let there be..."   Rabbi Shraga Simmons adds that this indicates that "Through speech we can build individuals- with praise and encouragement.  By making others feel important, we build them up, as if to say, 'Your existence is necessary.' This is life- giving and life- affirming."  

        After these weeks of focusing on the power of words all I can say is "Let there be life!" as we give "life" to others through our words.

Advisory Update-

Sixth Grade-  Sixth graders finished their Advisory year with a Quality Circle (see above) and sharing tips for incoming sixth graders as to how to succeed in middle school.

Seventh Grade-   Students discussed the power of words through a Quality Circle and “debriefed” their visit to the homeless shelter. They also created Time Capsules of their seventh grade year to be opened in 2025. 

Eighth Grade-   Students finished their career at Yavneh with creating descriptions of their friends to be presented to them at the brunch, and filled out a survey of their experience at Yavneh to provide us with feedback.