Growing Gritty Graduates

Tomorrow we will say farewell to our 8th graders as they graduate Yavneh Academy.  As I say goodbye and wish them luck, I envision them as young adults who in a few more years will come back to visit us when in high school or college.  I look forward to these visits each year as I get so much nachat from seeing the incredible human beings they become.  One of my favorite times of year is when we run a program for our 8th graders when we invite alumni in to run sessions on what high school is truly like, as we did this past Friday.  I felt like a proud “mama” as I called Rabbi Knapp on his cell and said, “You need to come down here to see our alumni and get some nachat!”  

What was the secret that took those excited and nervous 8th graders and made them successes in high school and beyond? Rebecca Jackson, in her January article “Parenting Determines Who Graduates College,” presented a recent Pew research study, (along with Brown University School of Medicine, Brandeis University, National Children’s Medical Center  and the New England Center for Pediatric Psychology), which investigated parenting styles and their impact on graduates’ success.  They found that a parenting style that “focuses on building persistence, as opposed to more traditional models that focus on discipline” was more effective.  

The study focused on two areas of difference in parenting- in areas of persistence, (commonly called “grit”) and obedience. Parents who stress obedience “lash out” and punish more, but do not establish rules. Without rules, children are unable to acquire “a healthy level of confidence in their decision-making abilities.” They also “develop no emotional attachment to their goals, making it unlikely they’ll persist when faced with obstacles.” In highly educated households- i.e. where parents and children were college graduates, more parents ranked persistence as the most important value.  They pursue goals regardless of challenges- “grit.”  Children with grit are 40% more likely to have “emotional balance”  and 60% are more likely to get good grades.

What kind of parenting style promotes and raises children with grit? Empowerment parenting. As opposed to traditional parenting that focuses on obedience with little explanation for rules and little communication, empowerment parenting does not emphasize correcting or punishing unwanted behavior. Rather, it focuses on confidence in the child to make his own choices.  It promotes positive reinforcement for effort, which stimulates motivation and persistence.  Grit has been found to be a better indicator of future success and happiness than either IQ or talent.  Even children who are talented and intelligent and come from wonderful homes do not succeed if they cannot work hard, and persevere through challenge and failure.

Interestingly enough, the faculty at Yavneh has also been focusing on grit throughout the year. We began the year with an In-service presenter who shared some practical ideas of how to “grow grit” in our students. When we praise them for effort and not for the end product we encourage grit.  When we let them know that an activity is challenging, but challenge is good- we help them grow grit.  We began circulating a Mindset Monthly newsletter to the teachers with practical ideas for use in our classrooms in this area. We have been asking teachers to hang posters and phrases in their rooms which encourage grit and posted them in the newsletter. Posters like, “It’s not about whether I get knocked down, it’s about whether I get up” have been appearing in classrooms.  Next time you visit the school, look for our “gritty” posters which will soon be hung in the hallways to celebrate our year-long focus on grit development in our students.  

So, how do we grow grit? In her article “What Is Grit, Why Kids Need It, and How You Can Foster It”  she quotes the grit guru, Dr. Angela Duckworth in her book…

1. In her house they have a “Hard Thing Rule” which means than everyone at home has to be working on something that is hard for him at any given time.  It has to require “deliberate practice daily,” but can be chosen by the family member.  No one is allowed to quit because he feels it’s too hard.  The learning process is not always fun, but the end result makes it worth it.

2. Duckworth quotes another expert in this area, Dr. Carole Dweck, who focuses on the importance of helping our children have a “growth mindset” in achieving grit. People with a growth mindset realize that failure is not permanent and  hard work part of the process.  People with “fixed mindsets” on the other hand, believe talent is innate and give up easily since they believe they cannot change how they were born. Duckworth suggests letting your children see that even experts have to practice and work hard. They just make it look easy- but it isn’t at all.

3. We need to show our children that we too take risks to achieve our goals, and we don’t give up.  We need to talk about our failures in front of our children.

4. We need to recognize effort, “Wow, you are working so hard at this!” And, we need to resist stepping in when they are struggling. Relay the message that they can do it.  

5. Let us talk to children about famous people who failed after many failures and rejections. In Advisory, when focusing on grit, we spoke about Thomas Edison, Dr. Seuss and even Michael Jordan who at first failed. We need to show them real examples of failure and allowing them to fail. Paul Tough, in his New York Times article “The Secret To Success is Failure” writes, “It is a central paradox of contemporary parenting, in fact: we have an acute almost biological impulse to provide for our children, to give them everything they want and need, to protect them from dangers and discomforts both large and small. And yet we all know- on some level- at least- that what kids need more than anything is a little hardship: some challenge, some deprivation that they can overcome, even if just to prove to themselves they can.”

As we our graduates walk down the aisle tomorrow, we hope that we have raised “gritty graduates”  who have grown and gained during their years at Yavneh. Mazel Tov to all!

A "Smashing New Way To Relieve Stress" ?

As finals are approaching, many of our students say they are “stressed out” and worried about the days ahead. We hopefully are doing  all we can to calm them down and reassure them that finals are doable and they will succeed. But, apparently, stress is not only experienced by students, but by teachers as well, as we see in a Maryland elementary school (not in Yavneh Academy, of course!)

Barbara Liess, a Maryland elementary school principal, was forced to resign after she instituted a “smash space” in her school where teachers could go when feeling stressed to relieve tension. In this room, there were old pieces of furniture that teachers could smash with baseball bats.  She got this idea from reading about businesses that have “anger rooms” where employees can smash old computers or other office items when upset. Parents were unhappy with the message this sent to children, whom we are always encouraging to “use their words.”  (One parent did say he had no problem with the smash space, “It’s a better thing than to take frustrations out on my kid.”)

For those who have not heard of the “anger rooms” to which Liess refers, a November 2016 article in the New York Times  by Claire Martin “Anger Rooms: A Smashing New Way to Relieve Stress” highlights the proliferation of such rooms.  She begins with the story of Donna Alexander who in 2008 began an experiment where she collected items from curbs in her neighborhood and invited her co-workers to her garage to smash those items.  She charged $5 a person and played music.  She began getting strangers at her door asking if they can come and “break stuff.”  She had a four month waiting list and opened the Anger Room in downtown Dallas, charging $25 for five minutes. Customers can custom design the room- what they will smash, and can choose their “tool” of destruction.  They can pick their own music.  In the Rage Room in Toronto, customers receive video downloads of their session and they have a “Date Night” package.

Is this kind of behavior beneficial for one’s psychological well-being?  Dr. George Slavich, director of the Laboratory for Stress Assessment and Research at the University of California says, there is no evidence that it helps relieve stress at all. In fact, “On the contrary, the types of physiological and immune responses that occur during anger can be harmful for health.”  Techniques like cognitive behavioral therapy, meditation, relaxation techniques have been proven to help with stress.  Clearly, these are the techniques we want our children to learn, and not to get the message that smashing things makes things better.  

Think about how it would appear if students peered into a room and saw teachers smashing items when stressed. As adults, parents and teachers, we need to consider that the way we act when we are stressed speaks volumes to our children about how they  should manage their own stress.

Brigit Katz, in her article, “How To Avoid Passing On Anxiety To Your Kids”  writes of a scenario we all have experienced. The parent, JD Bailey, was trying to get her daughters to a dance class “She began to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, and in the car ride on the way to the class, she shouted at her daughters for not being ready on time.’Suddenly I was like, ‘What am I doing?’ she recalls, filled with anxiety. ‘This isn’t their fault. This is me.’ ...Witnessing a parent in a state of anxiety can be more than just momentarily unsettling for children. Kids look to their parents for information about how to interpret ambiguous situations; if a parent seems consistently anxious and fearful, the child will determine that a variety of scenarios are unsafe. And there is evidence that children of anxious parents are more likely to exhibit anxiety themselves, a probable combination of genetic risk factors and learned behaviors.

We, therefore, want to model healthy stress management techniques with our children.

Some techniques Katz highlights:

1. Model Stress Tolerance:  We try to maintain a calm, neutral demeanor while managing our own anxiety. We need to be aware of facial expressions as well.
2. If you do react with anxiety, explain your anxiety to your children. Katz continues:

Let’s say, for example, you lost your temper because you were worried about getting your child to school on time. Later, when things are calm, say to her: “Do you remember when I got really frustrated in the morning? I was feeling anxious because you were late for school, and the way I managed my anxiety was by yelling. But there are other ways you can manage it too. Maybe we can come up with a better way of leaving the house each morning.”

Talking about anxiety in this way gives children permission to feel stress, explains Dr. Kirmayer, and sends the message that stress is manageable. “If we feel like we have to constantly protect our children from seeing us sad, or angry, or anxious, we’re subtly giving our children the message that they don’t have permission to feel those feelings, or express them, or manage them,” she adds. “Then we’re also, in a way, giving them an indication that there isn’t a way to manage them when they happen.”

And, you show them that even if you overreact, you can move forward and change your mood.

     3. Make A Plan-  Try to come up with strategies in advance of situations that you know trigger your stress, i.e. homework time!  Perhaps your child can even help you come with that plan.

4. Know When To Disengage-  Sometimes it’s okay to take a break and distance yourself from a stress- provoking situation  (i.e. hiring a homework tutor so you don’t battle with your child).

In general, it is is a misconception that “venting” makes a person calmer.  Clearly the “smash space” is not the solution. Especially in today’s online world, people are quick to send an e-mail, or post before they think about it as they are “venting.”  In Fiona McDonald’s 2015 article, “Sorry, But Venting Online Just Makes You Angrier, Scientist Find- Friends Don’t Let Friends Email Angry.”  It is absolutely not true that unleashing your stress or anger in an e-mail is stress relieving. McDonald quotes Brad Bushman, a professor of psychology and communication at the Ohio State University, who states that “the ease in which we vent on the internet is making us angrier than ever… Just because something makes you feel better doesn’t mean it’s healthy, explaining that people still have the misconception that it’s always better to get things off your chest than to bottle them up.” In a 2002 experiment, Bush found that subjects who “bottled up” their upset were actually the least aggressive, hostile and irritated.  A 2013 study of those who rant online demonstrated the same. Those “ranters” were more prone to anger and rage- ridden behaviors.

The Rambam,  as we know, was a famous medical doctor.  David Zulberg, in his OU article, “How Maimonides Dealt With Stress And Anxiety”  speaks of the Rambam’s medical treatise Regimen of Health, which  “discusses the connection between mental and physical health, especially in relation to stress and anxiety. While the relationship between mind and body has only been acknowledged by the medical world in the last hundred years, Maimonides was aware of this connection and wrote about it back in the 12th century, making him a pioneer in the development of psychosomatics.” It was quite a famous treatise, and was used as a textbook in universities. The Rambam discussed the toll that anxiety has on the body,  and  herbal prescriptions for stress and anxiety.  He continues to write that medical intervention is not all that is needed for stress.  The root of stress is either dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.  He then states that along with medicinal treatment, (and he in fact recommends herbs that have been found to be the most effective for stress today), one must changes one’s mindset:

Yet it is known through rational observation that thinking about the past is of no benefit at all. Sorrow and grief over the past are activities of those who lack the influence of the intellect. There is no difference between a person who grieves over lost money and the like, and someone who grieves because he is human and not an angel, or a star, or similar thoughts which are impossibilities.

Similarly, any anxiety that results from thoughts about what may happen in the future are pointless because every possible thing lies in the realm of possibility: maybe it will happen and maybe it will not. Let a person replace anxiety with hope [in G-d] and with this hope it is possible that in fact the opposite of what one fears will actually happen, because both what one fears and its opposite are (equally) in the realm of possibility.”

In our seventh grade Advisory we build “stress towers” with our students made of blocks. Each block represents something that causes them stress. Eventually, the tower topples over as each stressor builds on the other. We talk about the physiological and psychological results of stress, i.e. rapid heartbeat, dry mouth, feeling out of control, breaking into tears easily etc.  We then focus on some strategies.  

a. Make a few little towers. If we tackle only a few things at a time- it becomes more manageable. We tend to try to work on everything at once and that’s when it becomes too much. One good stress management technique is to make list of all that needs to be done and prioritize.

b. Put each block on slowly. Stop in between placing each block to make sure the tower is stable. When we rush ourselves it becomes more stressful. Leave yourself plenty of time and don’t leave things until the last  minute.

c. Have someone else hold the tower in place and stabilize it for you.  Ask for help. Maybe something is too difficult to you and you can benefit from help.

d. Notice your reaction- when the blocks toppled over, what was your reaction? You probably didn’t care so much. But, what if you tried over and over and it still toppled each time? Then it would get quite frustrating. What if you changed your thoughts about what happened. Ex. It is normal for a tower of tall blocks to fall down. It’s not tragic. It happens. Now, what can I do about it. Instead of thinking “I must be really bad at building blocks!” Sometimes your thoughts about something is what makes you stressed out. Before or while you are reacting, think, am I overreacting?

This leads to our important workshop about positive self-talk. We encourage them to inoculate themselves by making positive coping statements before, during and after a stressful event. Imagine what you would tell a friend to be encouraging. Tell the same thing to yourself.