Food For The Thanksgiving Feast- The Sandwich

Parent teacher conferences and Thanksgiving are usually in close proximity to each other.  What is the subliminal message? Some cynics might say,  to be thankful we only have to go through it twice a year?  That we are so exhausted so we need two days off soon after? I rather see it as being a positive connection as we are thankful as teachers and parents for our students and all their hard work, participation in class and their unique personalities.  We are thankful for the time our teachers put into our children and the time parents spend at home helping the students manage their work. So, parent-teacher conferences should be a “high- five” session of - good for you! You worked so hard and you are appreciated.

But, what if there are areas that your child needs to work on or he has not succeeded in every area?  Gratitude is again the answer.  Research shows that employees are more motivated to work hard when their bosses show appreciation. And, vice versa. Employees are prone to work less when their bosses are too demanding or they fear losing their job.  But, how do you show gratitude to a child?  I would like to reframe gratitude and view it as “praise”- which is more effective.  Yes, each day in the Amidah, as we teach our children, we say בקשה , שבח and הודאה- praise, requests, and thanks. We know that thanks comes after we have received the “requests.” And, while there is value in that thanks, perhaps there is greater value in the “praise” that is not dependent on the results.

On Election Day, our teachers were privileged to hear several presentations by Dr. Tom McIntyre (Dr. Mac).  Dr. Mac is a professor of special education at Hunter College of the City University of New York where he directs the graduate program in the education of students with mental health and behavior disorders.  He is the author of four books and his informative BehaviorAdvisor.com, is the world's most visited classroom behavior management website. Fitting in to our year-long theme of “communication” Dr. Mac presented practical and easy to implement research- based positive techniques and communication tips for teachers to help promote motivation and cooperative behavior, solve problems (or better yet, prevent them), promote self- control and strengthen their positive relationships with their students.   

One area of focus for Dr. Mac was the area of praise.  Dr. Mac stressed, unbeknownst to many, that there have been thirteen types of praise studied in research and only two have been shown to work, and some are even counter-productive and harmful. Teachers spent time learning how to praise our students effectively.   And along with praise, how do we utilize criticism that teaches and motivates?  As we leave parent teacher conferences today, how can we as parents utilizes some of Dr. Mac’s tips to most effectively praise and share critique?

Dr. Mac quoted the research of Dr. Carol Dweck on praise, which we have mentioned in this column before. We often praise our children “You’re so smart!” or “You’re an amazing math student!”  This simply sets them up for negative feelings about themselves as they are more fearful of “messing up,” more prone to giving up and not working hard, and less confident in the long-term.  On the other hand, praising children for their effort- their perseverance, strategies, improvement, leads to greater self- confidence. “You worked so hard. You took amazing notes with bullet points, and then tested yourself using your flashcards.” And, even when they don’t achieve the grade, they still get praise for their effort, “ You worked so hard on this. I am so proud of your effort. Let’s see what we can do together to figure out what you do not understand.”  We should never praise the product, but rather the process.  Again, this is שבח- praise and not הודאה- thanks, as it is not results based.

But, what if it isn’t all praise and we need to critique? How we critique has to do with the mindset of the “critiquer.” Dr. Mac spoke of symptom separation- when it comes to speaking with our children about areas they need to improve, we need to remember we are frustrated with the behavior and not the child. This reminds us of the pasuk in Tehillim 104:35 “Sinners will be destroyed from the earth” יִתַּ֚מּוּחַטָּאִ֨ים | מִן־הָאָ֡רֶץ Note that it says "חטאים” sins and not “חוטאים” - sinners. In truth, it is the sins that we want to disappear, not the sinner himself. We need to separate the child from the behavior. Rather than perceiving it as a child who is irritating me with not following through on what he is supposed to be doing, it is a difficult situation and he needs my caring and empathy.  The manner in which we react to their “failure” to either do the work or behave, will determine how they react. We are the thermostat for adjusting the temperature in our homes, so we need to manage our own emotions first.  

Dr. Mac shared with use the Chinese symbol for crisis: 危机. It is composed of two symbols- one that means danger and one that means opportunity.  We need to be careful that when we critique our children we are not just focused on the “danger” but also on the “opportunity” ahead for change.  We need to exude calm, make it clear what you need the child to do- but avoid “You” statements”  and focus more on “I” statements. No, “You are always forgetting your homework.’ Rather, “I need homework done first before…”   Just make sure a “you message” is not imbedded in an “I message” like, “I need you to stop acting lazy.” Most importantly, we do not want to predict a negative future when critiquing, “You will never get into high school with these grades!” “You are going to fail the test!”   We want to show them that we are hopeful that they can do it.  We need to be careful not to use an accusatory tone. And, there needs to be a belief statement that you believe he/she can do better, “I know if we put this plan into effect you can…” And,whatever you do, do not reminisce and go back to the past. “Remember when you didn’t take notes  last year and you failed?”  That child knows you don’t believe in him/her and are predicting failure again.

Additionally, children are willing to take criticism if they believe you believe in them.  Dr. Mac quoted research that states that in life we probably hear three positive things to one negative.  Our morale starts lowering when we hear only 2 positives to 1 negative.  That led Dr. Mac to speak about the criticism sandwich which he calls “emotional health food.” Criticism is digested better when it is delivered in a sandwich of positives. You start off with a praise, then the critique and then the encouragement that you know he can do it.

As we leave parent teacher conferences and decide how to share the good and not so good news with our children, may Dr. Mac’s advice regarding praise and criticism, like the sandwich,  be “food for thought.”

Advisory Update;

Sixth Grade:  Sixth graders learned more about time management and how to organize their schedules. Some groups began an unit on manners and etiquette.

Seventh Grade: Students began a unit on empathy and the skills to empathize with others.

Eighth Grade:  While filling out their self-evaluation forms, which assessed their interests in terms of co- curricular and extracurricular activities, students discussed how each child needs to focus on his/her own strengths in life.

Action As Reaction To Tragedy

As we as a Jewish community heard of the horror that happened in Pittsburgh,  we all felt for the victims, as they were part of our extended Jewish family.  As we approach the anniversary of Kristallnacht, we contemplate the anti-Semitism that still exists in our world.  When we face tragedy, what is the message that such a tragedy can provide for our children? 

I recently finished reading Dr. Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search For Meaning. Frankl, in addition to being a psychiatrist, was a Holocaust survivor.  In his book, he writes of his days in Auschwitz and why certain camp inmates were able to “survive” - physically and emotionally. His overall theory was that finding meaning, even in suffering, is the reason they continued living.  

Frankl was the founder “logotherapy” - stressing three main principles 1. Freedom of will. 2. Will to meaning. 3. Meaning of Life. The primary motivation for living is our will to find meaning in life, and only we have the ability to find that meaning, even when it is difficult.  “A man who let himself decline because he could not see any future goal found himself occupied with retrospective thoughts.” The ability to choose one’s attitude about in any given set of circumstances, says Frankl, can never be taken away.  “We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread...they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the  last of the human freedoms- to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances…When we are no longer able to change a situation- just think of an incurable disease such on inoperable cancer- we are challenged to change ourselves.”  To continue finding meaning in life, one must have a goal and realize that life is still expecting something from him.  “A man who knows ‘why’ for his existence, will be able to bear almost any ‘how’.” It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us.”

As I read Frankl’s book, I continually said to myself, “This is so familiar! This is Torah’s view!” It is no coincidence, said Rabbi Reuven Bulka in his Jewish Action  article right after Frankl’s death that “he would often tell Frankl that his book was very popular in the Yeshiva world.”  (And, also no coincidence that so many of the early psychoanalysts were Jewish, and that many of the most recent forms of successful treatment were created by Jewish psychologists).  Bechira chofshit- free choice and the ability of man to overcome his Yetzer Hara is the mainstay of this theory.  Frankl says, “Certainly man has instincts, but these instincts do not have him….In other words, there must have been freedom of decision. We are concerned above all with man’s freedom to accept or reject his instincts.” He similarly asserts the power of man over his environment, and one’s attitude towards the environment.  And, a life in which man simply pursues pleasure has no meaning. As it says in Avot 3:15

הַכֹּל צָפוּי, וְהָרְשׁוּת נְתוּנָה, וּבְטוֹב הָעוֹלָם נִדּוֹן. וְהַכֹּל לְפִי רֹב הַמַּעֲשֶׂה:
Everything is foreseen, and freewill is given, and with goodness the world is judged. And all is in accordance to the majority of the deed.

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  One way that Frankl says that we can discover meaning in life is through “doing a deed.” Rabbi Jonathan Sacks in his article “The Pursuit of Meaning” writes, “Frankl used to say that the way to find meaning was not to ask what we want from life. Instead we should ask what life wants from us. We are each, he said, unique: in our gifts, our abilities, our skills and talents, and in the circumstances of our life. For each of us, then, there is a task only we can do. This does not mean that we are better than others. But if we believe we are here for a reason, then there is a tikkun, a mending, only we can perform, a fragment of light only we can redeem, an act of kindness or courage or generosity or hospitality, even a word of encouragement or a smile, only we can perform, because we are here, in this place, at this time, facing this person at this moment in their lives.

‘Life is a task’, he used to say, and added,’The religious man differs from the apparently irreligious man only by experiencing his existence not simply as a task, but as a mission.” He or she is aware of being summoned, called, by a Source. “For thousands of years that source has been called God.”

Rabbi Bulka highlights that according to Frankl life is not judged quantitatively, but qualitatively. As Frankl said, “It is not from the length of its span that we can ever draw conclusions as to a life’s meaningfulness...The heroic life of one who has died young certainly has more content and meaning than the existence of some long-lived dullard. Sometimes the ‘unfinished’ are among the most beautiful symphonies.”

When one considers the “unfinished lives” of those who perished in Pittsburgh one must remember the importance of the meaningful deed.  “And all is in accordance to the majority of the deed.”. We know that generally speaking after a tragedy hits empowering children and adults to act and do something meaningful helps them feel more in control.  This video which has been going around stresses that the reaction to tragedy needs to be action https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_IWNcSIerg. And, as Rabbi Knapp addressed the middle school the Monday following the attack, he spurred them on, through sharing a story that had happened to him that weekend, to actions of kindness.  

We cannot always control that which happens around us or to us, but we can control our reactions and our actions after the fact.  May the memories of those who perished in Pittsburgh spur us on to positive action and be for a blessing. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students focused on the importance of time management and had an opportunity to discuss how their transition to middle school was going.

Seventh Grade:  At Frost Valley our students were able to implement the teamwork and communication skills we learned in Advisory.

Eighth Grade: Students learned interviewing skills and were able to see firsthand some dos and don’t of interviewing through live demonstrations.