Digital Discussions With Our Students

  My son recently recommended that I read a book called Notes On A Nervous Planet by Matt Haig.  Haig has previously written about his mental illness and in this book focuses on how social media and device usage impact on the rise of anxiety and depression in the world today.  How timely was my reading of this book! This month being Mental Health Awareness month and this past week we welcomed to Yavneh Janell Burley Hofmann to present our students and teachers on technology usage and wellness it fit right in. 

Haig writes about how we never put our phones down and it is harder and harder to sit still without distraction. Traumatic news stories increase our constant levels of worry.  Constant glancing at social increase our self-doubt and lowers our self- esteem as we are constantly comparing ourselves to others.  It gets to the point when we stay on social media even if we do not enjoy it. 

Haig quotes study after study showing the negative effects of technology on mental health. Throughout his book he offers advice to for 21st century living. One simple and obvious one is “”Declutter your mind…. In an overloaded world we need to have a filter.  We need to simplify things.  We need to disconnect sometimes.  We need to stop staring at our phones…”

Ironically, he points out, that we often distract ourselves with our devices when feeling down or anxious and yet that usage exacerbates those feelings in the long term. 

And, all of this is magnified with teens. In a recent article “ Too Much of a Good Thing: The Impact of Technology on Teens’ Mental Wellness” by Dr. Joshua Essery if the Child Clarity Guidance Center he quotes Dr. Jean M. Twenge, author of “iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy–and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood–and What That Means for the Rest of Us”- who recently presented for his center.

  “The number of teens who get together with their friends nearly every day dropped by over 40%. More teens are spending their free time alone in their room and on their phones, computers or games….All screen activities are linked to less happiness, and all off screen activities are linked to more happiness. Eighth graders who spend 10 or more hours a week on social media are 56 percent more likely to say they are unhappy than those who devote less time to social media. Admittedly, 10 hours a week is a lot. But those who spend six to nine hours a week on social media are still 47 percent more likely to say they are unhappy than those who use social media even less. The opposite is true of in-person interactions. Those who spend an above-average amount of time with their friends in person are 20 percent less likely to say they’re unhappy than those who hang out for a below-average amount of time.”

Now you understand why we spent the day with Janell Burley Hofmann last week. Some of you may recall when she spoke to parents a few years ago and wowed the audience. Every since then we had been considering her coming to speak to the students. As per her official bio:

 Janell Burley Hofmann is an international author, speaker and consultant specializing on the

topics of technology, media, health, relationships and well-being. Janell is the creator of the

original iPhone contract and a thought leader in the space of digital mindfulness, digital

parenting and intentional use of tech. She is the author of the book, iRules: What Every Tech-

Healthy Family Needs to Know About Selfies, Sexting, Gaming and Growing Up. 

Janell is the founder of the Slow Tech Movement and iRules Academy.

Keeping in mind all we have said above regarding the negative impact of technology, Ms. Hofmann began by asking our students the positive impacts of technology usage- or “how it makes the world a better place” (her words). Students came up with many positive roles for technology. Medical progress, the ability to be in touch with grandparents in another country,  access to knowledge, charity can be more easily raised, creating more jobs for people and of course, that it can be fun!  As Ms. Hofmann noted with the faculty- there is a no nostalgia clause- there cannot be nostalgia for the olden days without technology. It is here and we can use it positively. 

She then asked the students to share when they felt was negative about their technology usage.  Students pointed to dangers on the internet, hackers, getting distracted very easily, seeing things that are scary and inappropriate, eating up too much of their time, replacing humans with robots for jobs, and not socializing with friends when with friends as they are on their devices.  Students brought up cyberbullying and Ms. Hofmann discussed the definitions and the interventions. 

Hofmann then discussed some key terms with them to work on positive technology use. She prefaced the information with the fact that she designed them all with middle school students over the years designing terms they wished they had known. 

1.BE A SHARE STOPPER: She asked them to be a share stopper and to not pass on photos or conversations that can be hurtful, or wrong or can even get them in trouble. Delete and don’t pass on.  Student leaders coming up with tech positive ideas. 

2. THE BILLBOARD- even if we think we are set to private- what we say and do can easily be shared and spread- as if it was on a billboard off a highway.  How would I feel if lots and lots of eyes got on this? What we say and do on the internet represents who we are. Many people can see this so we need to think before we post…which leads us to #3.

3. THE PAUSE BUTTON -  Brain science says we make better decisions if we can take 5-6 inhales and exhales before we do something. So before we post or send something, pause,  stop, take those 5-6 seconds and consider if we truly want to send it. The more often we use the pause button, the  better we get at it.  We need to think before we react to something someone sends us as well.

4. PERMISSION TO POST- 

Lots of people  take photos of others and share them without their permission. Ask your friends for permission to post.  Hofmann showed how she always asks her family members permission to post before she posts any photos of them. 

5. THE ASKABLE ADULT: If you are unsure to post, send or to respond to a communication you receive- find an adult you trust to ask. She asked the children to consider who their askable adults are.  

6. TECH CURFEW-  We all need a time where we shut off our technology and even put it in another room. 

Hofmann stressed that she  and adults  would never ask them  to be perfect. We know they are going to make mistakes and that is okay.  (Note that this coming week both our sixth graders and eighth graders were scheduled for Advisory lessons related to these topics. Our sixth graders are focusing on cyber exclusion and our eighth graders on technology addictions as part of their substance abuse unit). 

Hofmann then spent time with our faculty.  She maintained that we need to have the same standards for when they walk the halls of schools and when they “walk the halls” on the internet. She stressed the importance of using the terms the students learned and speaking a common language.  Students who have digital mentors and askable adults tend to have the healthiest technology experience.  We discussed some ways we as the adults can reinforce positive technology usage. And, of course, that we as adults need to take a break, not answer e-mails after hours and get some rest from our technology. 

(More information that Ms. Hofmann passed on for parents will be sent to you soon, but we do hope to have her back again for parents in the fall)

I do think that the coincidental simultaneous occurrence of Mental Health Awareness month, my reading Notes On A Nervous Planet,  and our welcoming Janell Burley Hofmann was not at all a coincidence.   They were to remind us that only we can take the steps to benefit from technology while maintaining wellness.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade;  Students discussed the immense power they have with their cellphone and some dangers it can pose.

Seventh Grade: How does being an upstander impact on those around us and ourselves?

Eighth Grade: As part of their substance abuse unit students focused on the dangers of vaping. 

Mother's Day- The Payback?

 

I recently came across some data from a 2014 article that I had read. While some of the data might have changed, the thoughts are still true.“What would it take to pay back Mom for all she does?” is the question that Annaliza Kraft- Linder asked in an article published by Bank of America. According to Insure.com's 2014 Mother's Day Salary Index, it would cost at least $62,985, (up from $59, 862 last year!), to replace all that she does. Broken down it looks like this:

• Cooking and cleaning, $12,230

• Child care, $21,736

• Homework help, $7,290

• Chauffeur, $5,672

• Shopping, yard work, party and activity planning, finances, etc., $15,019

• Finding out what the kids are up to (paid in the equivalent value of a private detective), $1,036.

Salary.com states that mothers are worth even more, in its 2014 Mother's Day salary survey stating that “stay-at-home moms were worth $118,905 and working moms worth $70,107 (this does not include any paid salary from their job), with both groups putting more than 56 hours of overtime at home. These numbers are all up from last year's survey.”

 

Ms. Kraft- Linder adds that there is also what economists call the “opportunity cost” where mothers often give up time to do other things in favor of mothering. “Decades of lost wages, lost contributions to Social Security, and missed chances at career advancement” are some examples. Americans spend about $168.94 per year on their mothers. Clearly there is no way to literally “pay her back” and mothers don't expect that. (Although, Salary.com does have a pretend check you can print out to give to your mom for all she has done!)

 

On top of the free labor she is providing, Rabbi Tzvi Gluckin unabashedly proclaims, “Your Mom should hate you!” in his article, “Why Your Mom Doesn't Hate You Even Though She Should.” “Your mom gives you everything. That is all she does. She gives and she gets nothing back. Not from you. You take. She's a giver. You're a taker.” He goes on to describe how even before you were born you lived in our mother's womb and fed, kept warm and yet all you did was kick. Then you were born in a painful childbirth. Even then you did not say, “Thank you!” All you did was keep her up all night, and cry a lot. As you grew you continued to be ungrateful, until the “moody teenage” years. “You were difficult. You were resentful. You had to be told to do things. Twice. More than twice. And, maybe mom found you frustrating or challenging or difficult to understand, but she loved you anyway, because, well, that's what moms do. Being a mom is a thankless job.” Rabbi Gluckin then continues to say when it was time for the older child to move out on his/her own, one would think that mom would be happy and relieved- she's “free”! Yet, she is devastated. That is what unconditional love is all about.

 

Unconditional love stems from unconditional giving. The word for love in Hebrew is Ahava, the root of which is Hav which means to give. To love, is to give. And the more you give of yourself, the more you are "invested" in the other person, and the more you love that person.

 

So, what gifts can our children give us to make it all worthwhile? I don't know about you, but all I want is to enjoy my children more. We spend so much time doing all of the above “mothering” tasks that we don't simply take the time to enjoy our children. How do we make this happen? Do we just frankly say to our children, “Help me enjoy you- that's the payback!” Dr. Vincent Monastra writes that mothers, and fathers, need to think about how much time we spend “saying something 'nice' with” our children. For at least fifteen minutes a day, he asks us to be in a room with each one of our children and interact with him/her without peppering them with questions or correcting them. In this way, we let our children know that we are not only interested in being around them when they are in trouble or need to do a chore, but rather we “actually enjoy being her or his parent, that you love and want to be with your child, and that your child is more than just a burden to you.” And, we need to do this quickly before they don't want us around!

 

 Sara Debbie Gutfreund asserts that there are four gifts she says children do naturally give to their parents, as we enjoy them: 1. The Gift of Play 2. The Gift of Stories 3. The Gift of Giving 4. The Gift of Growth, all of which we could not have imagined before we had children. Ms. Gutfruend ends, “Maybe we have this whole Mother's Day thing backwards. Perhaps it's a day for mothers to appreciate the gifts our children have already given us...And, I whisper my secret to my children as I watch them sleeping, a sliver of moonlight falling across the floor, 'I love being your mother. Thank you for the gift of your presence in my life. It's a blessing that I am going to keep just for me”

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed how they can be brave upstanders.

Seventh Grade- Students discussed the "bystander effect" and why people tend to do nothing when they see injustice.

Eighth Grade: Students discussed the damage of alcohol abuse.

Praying For Refuat HaNefesh

  In November 2019, a friend of mine started a whatsapp Tehillim group where each person chimes in to recite the next mizmor Tehillim until the entire book is recited and is started again.  I happen to presently be a part of two such groups- one of which was started by a Yavneh faculty member during the intense first year of Covid which is still going strong.  The one I joined in November 2019 was not the typical one that you would imagine as it is dedicated to what she called “Refuat HaNefesh”- healing of the soul.  

These were her words when she started the group:

Hi all. I wanted to start a new Tehillim group. I am sure that everyone on this list can think of at least one friend, family member, friend’s child, etc. that is suffering from some sort of mental illness that can benefit from help from Hashem to help them or their family member to be healed. In the zechus of our tefillos, may all those who are suffering merit a complete refuas hanefesh.

Each day, when I look at this group, it reminds me that as we say the משברך   לחולים  in shul we ask for רְפוּאַת הַנֶּֽפֶשׁ וּרְפוּאַת הַגּוּף- healing of the body and soul.  There are numerous people who need the healing of the soul from mental illness. And, we know as we say in Tehillim 147:3 daily as part of Tefillah that Hashem is הָ֣רוֹפֵא לִשְׁב֣וּרֵי לֵ֑ב Who heals the brokenhearted.  We know that Hashem helps us heal our mental health illnesses as well. 

This is a message that recently came up in my Melachim 1 class that I teach to 8th graders (shout out to an amazing class!).  We learned about the building of the Beit HaMikdash by Shlomo HaMelech and interestingly enough we looked at mizmor 30 in Tehillim referring to its building which begins with the words “מִזְמ֡וֹר שִׁ֤יר חֲנֻכַּ֖ת הַבַּ֣יִת לְדָוִֽד”  A psalm; a song of dedication of the House, of David” But, Dovid HaMelech didn’t build the Beit HaMikdash. In fact, we know he was not allowed to do so, so why is it called “the dedication of the house of Dovid”? He was not even alive when the Beit HaMikdash was dedicated?! Rabbi Chaim Jachter in the article  Tehillim and our Relationship with Hashem – Part Two offers various explanations which we discussed in class. One particular explanation, from the Ibn  Ezra focuses on the words from  pasuk 3- : ה’ אֱלֹקי שִׁוַּ֥עְתִּי אֵ֜לֶ֗יךָ וַתִּרְפָּאֵֽנִי  O Lord, I have cried out to You, and You have healed me where Dovid HaMelech thanks Hashem for healing him.  Rabbi Jachter notes:

The Ibn Ezra also cites Rabi Moshe Ibn Jikitila, who suggests that the Mizmor celebrates David HaMelech’s recovery from the serious depression he suffered when he was informed that he would not build the Beit HaMikdash (Shemuel II chapter 7), his greatest ambition (see Tehillim 27:4 and Radak’s explanation of Tehillim 3:5).  Ibn Jikitila explains that David recovered from this depression when he was informed that his son would build the Mikdash.  Accordingly the building of the Mikdash is coupled with David’s recovery from psychological illness.

An important implication of this approach is that Ibn Jikitila regards depression as a legitimate illness…. In the social realm, one who suffers from depression should not be dismissed as “abnormal,” just as we do not regard someone with a broken leg as “abnormal.”  Similarly, one who suffers from depression should not feel ashamed anymore than he would with a broken arm.

This was a perfect opportunity (a teachable moment!) to discuss with the students that mental illness is an illness like any other.  We target the stigma regarding mental health head on in our Mental Health awareness workshops I designed for our 8th graders implemented by guidance staff along with mental health practitioners in our community.  Students learn that there is nothing to be ashamed of and the importance of noticing warning signs in themselves and in friends and how to get help. 

 I was thinking of the Refuat HaNefesh Tehillim group today, on  May 1, after I read an article in The Jewish Standard sharing that May is mental health awareness month.  Dena Croog, who founded Refa’enu, an organization dedicated to mood disorder awareness,  wrote an incredible article where she shared that she interviewed family members of those suffering with mental illness. She had intended to paraphrase their words in her article, but decided to share verbatim their exact “raw, eye-opening, down-right honest depiction of what it’s really like to have a child with depression or bipolar disorder.”  I don’t think I can say it better than the article says it itself.   Please take the time to read this article to truly understand and to    “...catch a glimpse of the struggles and triumphs that come with having a loved one with mental illness. What is it like to talk with someone who is depressed or manic? What kind of help is out there? What are barriers to treatment? What can we be doing better, both as individuals and as a society?”  at:

https://jewishstandard.timesofisrael.com/portrait-of-families-in-turmoil/

One more item that I would like to add is my personal frustration regarding one area of mental health services and the religious community- a significant area in which we need to be doing better!  We still need to do more work to provide therapeutic schools and inpatient intensive support in a religious setting so that our children do not need to choose between continuing their Jewish education and growing Jewishly and getting the mental health support they desperately need. It is so painful for parents to have to make the decision to send their children to an environment where their child’s religious identity will be at stake.  This has been a passion of mine for some years now and I am still working on it! 

This Mental Health Awareness month, let us consider what we as a community are doing to make things better and to support each other. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade;  Students began a unit on Social Exclusion and Peer Harassment and spoke about L.E.A.D.E.R.S. strategies to step up. 

Seventh Grade: Students began their unit of  Do Not Stand Idly By and the importance of doing something when there is injustice in their world and community. They heard a presentation by Stand With Us about defending Israel and began discussing how the BDS movement is harmful to Israel. 

Eighth Grade:  Students began a unit on Substance Use and focused on the harmful effects on the brain.