Right before we entered Chag HaSukkot Rabbi Knapp circulated an article that I wrote for my shul Torah Journal: סוכות :עת לבכות ועת לשחוק - Sukkot- A Time To Cry and A Time to Laugh. (Shout-out to Rabbi Schreiber who is one of the editors of the journal). Those words, from Kohelet 3:4, also state, עֵ֥ת סְפ֖וֹד וְעֵ֥ת רְקֽוֹד׃ - a time to wail and a time to dance, were lived by us this past Simchat Torah, and this past Friday in the middle school. We had a program on Friday which memorialized those who have passed since October 7th, which ended with festive dancing celebrating the return of the hostages. It was incredible to see our students being able to be seriously contemplative and then festive moments later.
Just to summarize a component of the article, (for those who did not have the chance to read it), Rabbi Doron Perez points out that in Kohelet 3 it states לַכֹּ֖ל זְמָ֑ן וְעֵ֥ת לְכָל־חֵ֖פֶץ תַּ֥חַת הַשָּׁמָֽיִם Everything has an appointed season, and there is a time for every matter under the heaven. However, interestingly enough if you look at the Pasukim, for example Pasuk 4:
עֵ֤ת לִבְכּוֹת֙ וְעֵ֣ת לִשְׂח֔וֹק עֵ֥ת סְפ֖וֹד וְעֵ֥ת רְקֽוֹד
A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time of wailing and a time of dancing.
Notice it doesn’t say “A time to weep or a time to laugh, a time of wailing or a time of dancing” - it says “and,” as if one weeps and laughs simultaneously or wails and dances at the same time. There are times in life when we do both. That is the state Rabbi Perez calls “broken completeness.” It is okay to celebrate and to have sadness simultaneously. (Feel free to read the article for more details!)
I then referenced a presentation by Dr. Norman Blumenthal in a workshop by Ohel last year addressing the question how to mark the day of October 7th. Do we rather put the focus on the horror, trauma and tragedy so we do not risk losing what happened? Or should we focus on the heroism and poignant optimism? Dr. Blumenthal stated that the ability to remember the sadness along with the happy times is a predictor of resilience. He referenced a research study on the “oscillating narrative.” When children learn their family stories- their history- including both happy and difficult “stories” (oscillating between good and bad), it helps create a shared history, strengthens emotional bonds and helps them make sense of their experiences when something senseless happens like October 7th.
Dr. Robyn Fivush, from Emory University where the study was conducted, states, “When we don’t know what to do, we look for stories about how people have coped in the past….A horrific event happened on 9/11 for example; we were attacked. But we came together as a nation, persevered and rose back up together. Such narratives help build a shared capacity for resilience. That’s true for nations and it’s true for families…. We found that in families that talked in more coherent and emotionally open ways about challenging family events with ten to twelve year-olds, the children coped better over the two-year period than in families telling less emotionally expressive and coherent stories about their challenges…Adolescents are especially hungry for these kinds of stories, she adds. “If they roll their eyes, so be it, they’re still listening,” Fivush says. “It’s the really mundane, everyday stories that reassure them that life is stable. It provides a sense of continuity, of enduring relationships and values. They need to know that they come from a long line of people who are strong, who are resilient, who are brave.The definition of who they are is not just something independent and autonomous, spun from nowhere. It’s embedded in a long, intergenerational family story.” Ultimately, the goal is to help children construct a coherent story that validates their feelings while helping them think of resolutions.
Some mistakenly think that hiding sad circumstances from our children will help them be happier. But, in essence, when difficult situations inevitably happen to them, they will have no “oscillating narrative” from which to get strength.
Before we solidify any programs since October 7th, the programming team sits with the guidance team and the rest of the administration to ensure that programs are developmentally appropriate. We consciously felt it was important for the students to feel developmentally appropriate sadness, and then the celebration. And, so when we spoke about a program to commemorate October 7th and we still maintain happiness, we show them that we can be sad, but still continue and endure. We should note the sadness, but engage in the happiness at the same time. We speak of the tragedy, but also focus on the strength of the Jewish people- to move on, to laugh, to have Emunah, to be united and yes…to dance again.
And, boy, was Friday’s program a perfect example of that “oscillating narrative” as the students were serious, but then danced with all their soul.
Dr. Marshall Duke, from Emory University, conducted research about the importance of knowing your family story. Children should know “Where did your grandparents grow up? Do you know the story of your birth?” He stressed that the type of family storytelling that is most important is that "oscillating narrative.” Knowing your family story- including all the challenging times and successes- builds a sense of identity and resilience and belief in the strength of their families. Children then get the message that we have ups and downs- but we have strengths that help us stick together.
This past Shabbat I went to hear a shiur by Rabbi Moshe Benovitz. Rabbi Benovitz noted that the Israelis that he speaks to about the war since October 7th tend to be more optimistic than the Americans. Somehow, because they are living this oscillating narrative they are able to find more strength.
Dr. Duke and Dr. Fivush developed a scale called “Do You Know?” It asks children to answer 20 questions.Including for example some of the questions I noted above, “Do you know where your grandparents grew up? Do you know where your parents went to high school? Do you know about an illness that happened in your family? Etc.” The higher the scores were, the higher their sense of control over their lives,and the higher their self-esteem. High scores were the best predictor of emotional health and happiness. Dr. Duke says it has something to do with feeling that you are part of a “larger family.” That would be a possible explanation of Rabbi Benovitz’s insight- in Israel they feel they are part of a larger family.
In Judaism in general, we have what Duke calls an “intergenerational self” and a feeling we are part of something larger than ourselves. As we began reading Sefer Bereishit this past week, we feel, We are part of the family to whom this story happened. We are related to all the characters in Tanach. Throughout Tanach there are definitely ups and downs. But, the stories we learn- in both our family stories and our national stories- show how one can bounce back from difficult times.
As parents, let us take out those old photo albums (does anyone have those anymore?) and talk about the previous generations. That is the best way to relay the oscillating narrative to our children. And, that is why here at Yavneh we focus in the 8th grade on children learning about the Holocaust and their personal Holocaust stories.
Last year, as you might recall, when the hostages were released a group of seventh graders created a “Wall of Celebration” with photos of the hostages who were let free. Those students are currently working on adding the recently freed hostages to that wall. But, they asked me if they can also have a section for those who did not come out alive. Absolutely. As I said above, “ It is okay to celebrate and to have sadness simultaneously.”
As we embark on a new year, may this year be full of more happy times than sad times, and with the ability to bounce back when needed!
