As we celebrate Tu B’shevat one might wonder how this day applies to us non-farmers and those not living in an agricultural society. Yet, according to Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe’s book on parenting and חינוך called זריעה ובנין בחינוך Planting and Building in Education- planting is an integral part in raising our children. So, in essence, as parents we are all farmers.
A child needs both planting and building. Planting is fostering what is found inside the child. “A child’s growth needs attentive care, like the growth of a tree or a grain. Special emphasis needs to be placed on the organic process. If we want something particular to sprout we must be careful to plant precisely what we want, and afterward the seeds will sprout from themselves as a natural process.
On the other hand, there is construction. We must build a mensch. It is impossible to depend on sprouting alone.
If I build the child and help him acquire maalot (positive quality traits), but I don’t relate to his כח הצמיחה- his power to grow, then his כח הצמיחה will slowly wither and the child will be a robot. He will probably do what he is told, but he won’t possess any internal vitality. When the child matures he will continue to do what he must, but he won’t possess individual initiative, since initiative flows from כח הצמיחה, and the כח הצמיחה long ago withered away and rotted. All that is left is a human robot.”
And, so, continues Rav Wolbe, we need to both help a child sprout and grow so that he will develop his inner self, but with some structured building so he will not be a “wild person.”
There are many ways a child is like a tree. There are particular times for planting. If we plant too early, before the land is fertile, then nothing will grow. If we plant too late, nothing will sprout.
As parents, we need to ascertain a child’s ability and match our expectations to their ability. This ability might change as they get older or might be an integral part of who they are.
In Mishlei 22:6 It states:
חֲנֹ֣ךְ לַ֭נַּעַר עַל־פִּ֣י דַרְכּ֑וֹ
Educate a child according to his way.
Before we educate a child we need to ascertain HIS WAY. Rav Wolbe discusses how we know a banana plant has needs different from an apple tree. If we care for a banana plant like an apple tree, it will not grow. Likewise if we raise our child in a way that is not right for him, then he will not grow. Or perhaps the child will do what we tell him to do despite it being against his nature for now.. But as he grows he will abandon that way.
I recently read an article by Tony Redfern called Raising Trees and Children . He spoke about something called a Cinch Tie which he used in growing a tree in his backyard. The cinch tie was described as “ "Cinch-Tie - Strong Support for Young Trees."
These were the instructions on the label:
"Young trees need support, not restraint, in order to grow large trucks and wide canopies. Some wind movement is needed to stimulate caliper and strong root growth. This is why it is important that the tight nursery tape and restraining stick be removed when the tree is ready to plant."
The balance between support and stimulating growth. This is the balance between זריעה - planting/growth and בנין - support/structure.
Every child needs structure, but also “wind movement” and the ability to be whom he is meant to be- to grow according to the type of tree he is.
But, what if we put all our sweat and tears into “growing” and “building” our child and yet he/she seems to be struggling despite all of our efforts? Rabbi Lawrence Keleman, in his book To Kindle A Soul reminds us that the planting process can be slow. He uses the example of the Chinese bamboo tree. A person can plant bamboo seed, water it, fertilize it for almost five years and nothing happens. Then in the fifth year, the bamboo tree grows and can shoot up to almost 96 feet. If the person would have stopped watering and fertilizing it after year one, when it saw no growth yet, the tree would have died. It took five years of care for the tree to grow. During those five years “deep roots are forming below the surface to support the large tree.” For those of us putting more than our all into our children, and not yet seeing the progress we had hoped for, we need to recall the bamboo tree, and that all our efforts are making an impact, and eventually we will see growth.
So, as parents, it may not be easy, but let’s all put on our overalls and straw hats and start “growing” our children.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade; Students discussed “classroom etiquette.”
Seventh Grade: Students discussed the skills of resilience and what mindset is needed for perseverance.
Eighth Grade: Students discussed how they and their parents could better understand each other without having to switch bodies (like in the movie Freaky Friday).
