Disconnect and Connect

PLEASE MAKE SURE TO WATCH THE VIDEO THAT I SENT YOU IN MY E-MAIL TO YOU BEFORE YOU READ THIS BLOG.

The video you just viewed was created by the Disconnect Revolution. Their website states the message of their video: “connect- verb-form a relationship or feel an affinity. With the advent of new technology, our lies should have become progressively simpler, happier and more connected. But is that what is really happening? Seems that with the myriad gadgets we invent to enable us to stay connected, the more disconnected we become. We might be attending a stimulating lecture, enjoying a night out with friends, yet our hands are tapping in text. We might be spending time at the park, watching our toddlers in the playground, but our fingers and our mind are distracted with 'important' matters. We could be sitting in a restaurant, soft music in the background, enjoying dinner with our spouse, yet each of us is glued our respective phones. Friends have forgotten how to communicate, to share a laugh or a muse. Couples connect through texts and not conversations. Parents spend more quality time with their phones than with their kids... It is time to take a stand. Time to disconnect even if only for one hour. One hour to disconnect... and reconnect. To focus on those most precious to us. Our families. Parents. Spouse. Children. Ourselves. And, of course, our Creator.”

The message relayed by Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein is a true but simple one. He is spearheading a Day to Disconnect on Oct. 2. (Which also happens to be Tzom Gedaliah). He is asking that on this day everyone voluntarily put down their “gadgets” for as much time as they can spare. (You can officially register for this mission at http://www.daytodisconnect.com/). A recent study stated that 84 % of people check their PDAs before going to bed and as soon as they wake up. (Is that before or after Shema and Modeh Ani?) 85% say they check it in the middle of the night. 80% even check their PDAs before their morning coffee! 1/3 of smartphone users would pick their Blackberries ove rtheir spouses if they had to choose one to live without. There is most definitely a new field in addiction called “cell phone addiction.”

When you get into a your car, you reach for it. When you take a break at work, you run to check it. We are hooked...not on cigarettes or even caffeine. On cellphones. Often, when our phones are not ringing we think they are- a phenomenon known as “phantom ringing.” Sociologist Jim Williams highlights that like many addictions, cell- phone addiction increases personal isolation. We actually do not have as many confidantes and close friends as our parents did. Dr. Sergio Chapparo, a professor at Rutgers University asked his 220 students to turn off their cellphones for 72 hours. Only three could do it. In a similar study done at the University of Maryland, where students were only asked for 24 hours and then asked to blog about it, some words they used to describe the experience were, “In withdrawal. Frantically craving. Very anxious. Extremely antsy. Miserable. Jittery. Crazy.” Sound like words associated with addiction to me! From where does this addiction come? In a 2010 New York Times article “Your Brain On Computers- Addicted to Technology and Paying a Price,” they explain that the stimulation triggers a “squirt” of dopamine which is a addictive. (Those who read my column on ½ Shabbat will recall the addictive nature of the cellphone for our teens).

What is the impact of this “addiction” on our families? Professor Sherry Turkle, director of the Mass. Institute of Technology Initiative on Technology and Self, stated that young adults whose parents were routinely distracted by these devices suffered feelings of jealousy and competition. She underscores the difference between being “available” and truly “present.” “If you're not going to be with me, don't be with me. But, if you are going to be with me, please be with me, and put that thing away.” Are we present with our children? Are we “with them?” Families with multiple communication devices are less likely to eat dinner together, which we know to be a predictor for resiliency in teens. They report that they are less satisfied with their family time. A 2009 article in the New York Times stressed the speech/language implications of parents constantly tuning into their cellphones, iPods etc. while pushing their children in strollers. “Parents have stopped having good communications with their young children, causing them to lose out on the eye contact, facial expression and overall feedback that is essential for early communication development.”

And, so this topic is an intuitive one. The program Sabbath Manifesto has even created cellphone sleeping bags- sacks to put cellphones in once week to take a break. We, as Jews, luckily have the Shabbat as a day we are forced to “disconnect.” The Gemara in Kiddushin 30b states, “Barati yetzer harah, Barati Torah tavlin.” “I created the evil inclination. I created the Torah as an antidote/cure.” The spiritual day of Shabbat serves as a cure for positive family connections. May this year be one of connections with our selves, families and Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

Keeping Our Children On the "Derech"

This week, I'd like to speak about my Amish “friend” again. (Clearly, my trip to Amish country made an impact on me!) As I shared with you last week, my family and I visited Lancaster this summer and went on an Amish buggy ride followed by a tour of an Amish farm. The driver sat my family next to him, and therefore, we had some time to “shmooze” in between his commentary. We asked him about his family. He said he had four children. The oldest is no longer Amish and drives a truck. My husband and I turned to each other with a smile and said, “He went 'off the derech'.” It made me wonder, what is it that turned that child off to the Amish way of life?

I began to think of a book I read some years ago called Off The Derech- Why Observant Jews Leave Judaism by Faranak Margolese. Ms. Margolese speaks of a phenomenon that terrifies us as Jewish parents and educators, “...After a while, I realized that at least 75% of my friends had been raised in observant homes, but were no longer observant themselves...I couldn't understand it. My friends had the best Jewish educations money could buy... They all had the tools necessary to continue observing Judaism... But they all had moved away...” Most of them went to shul Friday night or attended Friday night dinner, “but they were not living the halachically committed lives of their childhoods. They were connected without commitment.” She then decided to spend the next five years of her life researching, through surveying and interviewing formerly observant Jews why they left the path.

Ms. Margolese uncovered what she saw as the primary causes for this abandonment of Judaism. Many assume that it is lack of belief or an intellectual questioning that may lead to desertion. Not true. Others assume that it is the attraction of the other lifestyles which pulls deserters to leave. Also a myth. Rather, she feels that “the outside world did not pull them in, but rather the observant one pushed them out. They experienced Judaism as a source of pain rather than joy. So, they did what was natural: run in the other direction.” As I raise my children I consider her findings- is the Judaism I am presenting to my children one of joy? Do I appear to love my Judaism or is it a burden to me? Do I make it clear in the way I live my life that the Torah is a privilege? (Those who attended my pre-Shavuot shiur last year regarding how to prevent Judaism from being a burden will recall that there are numerous mistakes that we as parents make that may lead to their feeling that).

Off the Derech highlights many areas that need to be remedied by Yeshivot and parents to ensure that our children remain. One essential question Ms. Margolese highlights is, “Do my children feel that they are being forced into observance?” This question brought to mind my Amish “friend” again. The Amish practice what they call “rumspringa”- when for about two years adolescents are allowed to expose themselves to the outside culture before they fully accept the Amish way of life. I do not support such a practice in our culture, but the message is clear. They want the teens to fully accept it on their own, and not only because their parents tell them they must. In Judaism, we do believe that parents should enforce that their children follow halacha, but at the same time our children need to accept Torah in a more meaningful way, as they explore it and make it their own. As parents, we can accomplish this “ownership” by helping them explore Torah learning as we learn with them topics of their choosing outside of school. Not homework related. Not for a test. This is pure learning because it brings us joy. Hopefully, as they explore that Torah it will bring joy to them as well.

Ms. Margolese states in her concluding chapter, “Since they are born into our homes, schools and communities, since they are born neutral, ready to absorb what we give them, much is up to us. We play a significant role in creating their Judaism and defining their perception of it. It is frightening and exhilarating to realize how much influence we have- that we hold the keys to shaping their observance; that we are the Judaism our children experience; that we give them joy or pain, the knowledge or the ignorance, the pride or the shame.” As we lead our children on the path of life may we have the strength and wisdom to keep them “ on the derech.”

We've Got It Too Easy

We have it easy. Two events at the end of the summer reminded me of this truism. First, the end of the summer hurricane. Many are still recovering and will be for months. Most people in my neighborhood just suffered some power outages. However, those hours when we were powerless, we felt “powerless.” Small things like doing laundry, opening the door of your refrigerator and even watching television were appreciated. And, how we kvetched about the lack of power! All this was put into perspective when my family visited Lancaster immediately following the storm. We went on an Amish buggy ride and saw an Amish dairy farm. All the backbreaking work of farming without any electricity. No air conditioning. No cars. They truly “rough it” each day. They live their lives without electricity and we were crippled by a few hours or days without power. We most definitely have it easy!

In essence, the Amish have chosen to live as we did centuries ago without the developments we depend upon today. For our children, a day when they can't get reception on their smartphone is “roughing it.” I recently came across an article called, “Kids have it easy” written by the “Over 30 Crowd.” Speaking to the kids today he states, “You've got it so easy! And, I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! When I was a kid we didn't have the internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in a card cataloge. There was no e-mail!! We had to actually write somebody a letter- with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take a week to get there...There were no MP3's or Napsters. If you wanted music you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio... We didn't have call-waiting. If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal- that's it. And, we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss... You had to pick it up and take your chances...That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!”

Aside from the lack of dependence on technology, the Amish teenagers work the farms- boys and girls. They awake at 4:00 a.m. alongside their parents, and plow the fields with cattle. The work ethic is incredible. How many of our children truly know the meaning of hard work? As parents, we may be partially responsible as we require less from them than our parents did from us. And, so they have grown to believe that they should get everything for nothing. Working hard does not come naturally. It has to be taught. We need to teach our children that acquiring anything of value demands hard work and it will not come to you on a silver platter. The Amish have it right- chores. If children need to do chores they realize that, for example, if they don't wash the dishes, there will be no clean dishes to eat. In most of our homes, we ask our children to do minimal chores around the house, and even those simple requests become sources of battle with nagging, threatening and even bribing.

With the start of the school year, this topic of a strong work ethic becomes essential for a student's success. In USA Today Partick Welsh wrote an article, “For Once, Blame the Student.” He begins, “Failure in the classroom is often tied to lack of funding, poor teachers or other ills. Here's a thought: Maybe it's the failed work ethic of today's kids. That's what I'm seeing in my school.” He continued to say that he noticed that his American born students did not have the “motivation, self-discipline or work ethic of foreign- born kids.” He then quoted a study which attributed students falling short of their academic potential to “their failure to exercise self- discipline.” When American students are asked what the number one factor is in performing well in math, they state that a good teacher is the determining factor. Japanese students answered that “studying hard” was the factor. Students today are convinced that their effort is not what determines their grades and teachers have become responsible to motivate the child. Students, naturally, are looking to get out of hard work. We, as parents, need to make sure that we do not assist them with avoiding work.

These messages are important ones to speak about with our children as they begin a new year. We need to appreciate the “power” we have. Working hard is important despite how “easy” advancements have made our lives. A strong work ethic comes from the way we raise our children, and from within themselves.