Parenting Pointers- Teen Arrested For Not Cleaning His Room!!!

“Teen Arrested for Not Cleaning His Room,” the headlines read in Stamford, Connecticut. As parents, there are probably times when we wish we could call in the reinforcements to help us get our teens to clean their rooms! The articles continues to describe how the teen then refused to allow the police to enter his bedroom stating that it was an invasion of his privacy. How many times have we begged our children to clean their rooms and heard, “Well, it's my room and it doesn't affect you in any way!” And, if we try to clean their rooms for them, (which we probably should not do), they claim it is their private, inner sanctum which we are invading.

Whether it's a disagreement about how many clothes are lying all over the floor, or arguing about what posters they are allowed to hang on their walls, the teenager's room is their, l'havdil, Kodesh Hakadoshim (Holy of Holies) which can be only entered by him- the kohen gadol- so to speak. Their room is important to them as it represents the place where they can be with their own thoughts and plan and dream about the future. It also represents the primary tasks of adolescence which are developing a sense of independence and developing a personal identity. The way their room is decorated represents who they are. When they need some “space” from other family members they run to their rooms.

The Chicago Sun-Times once ran a messiest teen bedroom contest. The winner stated, “If I really wanted to clean it, I could.” Not cleaning his room was one way of his asserting himself.

(In today's column I will focus on the cleaning of the room aspect. At another time, I will discuss the privacy issues).

How do we deal with the cleanliness issue?

1. We need to set up the expectations with our teens, (which may involve changing our expectations). Discuss and negotiate what a “clean room” means to you and how often this cleaning needs to take place. You make the final decision, but getting their input guarantees more buy-in from them. Make consequences a part of this discussion.
2. If the above agreement is not followed- the agreed upon consequences are put into place.
3. Let's not take their not cleaning their rooms personally. As I've mentioned before, the brain of the teenager is wired for chaos, as their prefrontal cortex- the part of the brain responsible for organizing and planning- is still underdeveloped. It is difficult for them to organize a mess.
4. Make cleaning as “fun” as possible. Put on music. Read books to them while cleaning- a strategy which works even better if you start it when they are younger.
5. Help them organize initially by making a place for each item. Organizing bins, shelves and even more hampers are ways to encourage neatness. Knowing exactly where to put each item helps them feel more organized and more prone to putting things away.
6. Some teens need to actually learn the steps of cleaning up. They look at their messy rooms and feel overwhelmed. Some children need to learn “Step 1- Take all the shoes off the floor and put them on the shoe racks. Step 2- Put all dirty clothes in the hamper.” Just saying, “Clean your room” is not enough for some.

Dr. Michael Bradley, author of the book Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy! Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind, reminds parents, “The phrase we teach parents is, 'Your room makes me crazy, and I love you like crazy.' Separate the messy bedroom from the heart of the child. It's just not worth going to war over.” And, clearly not worthy of calling the police!

Parenting Pointers- The Penn State Scandal and Our Teens

The Penn State scandal serves as another teachable moment for our children. Whether or not they heard about it in the news or on-line, it reminds us as parents of the importance of talking to our teens about preventing abuse. The conversation may be difficult to have, but as the research indicates, it is essential in order for them to protect themselves. If we do not speak to our children about the topic of abuse in a frank manner, they will assume that it is a taboo topic. Consequently, if they ever confront a situation they are concerned about, they will hesitate to share it with us. We need to make it clear that although it might be uncomfortable to discuss, there is no topic that is off-limits- never.

The programs and conversations regarding abuse prevention in the past focused on “stranger danger.” Unfortunately, we realize today that 90% of perpetrators are people they trust and know. The first Penn State victim was 11 years old and met the abuser in camp. It was over a year after he had started spending time alone with him, and sleeping over in his basement until the boy came forward. He was even being taken out of classes to spend time alone off campus without the parents' permission. Embarrassment kept the boy from coming forward. Finally, hints to his parents led them to become suspicious. The mother then asked the school guidance counselor to speak with him and all was revealed. The shame was significant and he could not come forward. The victim said, “‘Well, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do, and you just can’t tell Jerry no,’” the mother reported.

Why don't children come forward when they are abused? A primary reason both boys and girls don't tell is because they do not know whether they will be believed.  Often the perpetrator is a beloved member of the community. The victim then feels powerless. Or perhaps the victim believes that he or she will be in trouble for causing this to happen to him/herself. Perpetrators also often threaten the child or his family. As I intimated earlier, there also is the problem of who a child can tell.  Children rarely initially tell a parent they have been abused as they are worried how their parents will react. Teens in general want to be independent and not rely on their parents to fix their problems. They therefore may feel they can handle the situation on their own.

Boys particularly tend not to come forward. First, society tells boys that they should not be victims. They need to fight back. Second, a boy is often afraid that if others find out that he was sexually abused by an adult male, they will think that he is a homosexual.  This often results in the male victim becoming further stigmatized.
In the Jewish community, there is the “shanda” factor, as Rabbi Mark Dratch, director of Jsafe notes. Rabbi Dratch describes this shanda as, “Denial and shame make the victims and the parents of victims reluctant to come forward. We like to portray an image of ideal communities.” There are even those hesitant to come forward because they think it is Loshon Hara (slander) or is being a moser (a forbidden informer). Child abuse is a crime and a clear violation of Torah and civil law. We as Torah observant adults know that we must report and let our children know that it is consistent with Torah values to report, even if the perpetrator is a religious leader.
What should we be doing as parents to ensure our children come forward when needed? We have that frank conversation and make it clear we will always believe them. What are some elements that this frank conversation should have?

1. Share with our children that they are in charge of their bodies. No one ever has the right to touch them or do anything that makes them uncomfortable.
2. They should trust their instincts. If something is making them “feel funny inside” then they should check with a trusted adult before they do it.
3. They should never allow anyone to trick or bribe them into doing something they do not want to do.
4. They have the right to say, “No”- even to adults if it is in a respectful manner. Provide them with some examples.
5. Stress that even someone who they know might hurt them. Our goal is not to make them paranoid, but to tell them that most people are trustworthy, however there are unfortunate exceptions.
6. They should never keep a secret from a parent. If someone asks them to do so, that is a clear sign they should tell a parent.
7. You will always keep them safe. Particularly if they are ever threatened, it is important for them to come to you.
8. Children need to see that talking about private parts when needed is not inappropriate. Starting from a young age, making sure to periodically utilize the correct names for private parts is essential to relaying the message that if you are having an issue involving those parts, they can speak to you and should. This use of language is also important when it comes to their not feeling embarrassed to come forward to you with medical concerns as they get older.
9. Highlight that there are different types of abuse. Abuse can be physical, emotional or sexual. Speak to them about harassment as well.
10. On-line safety. We know that today perpetrators often connect on-line with children. They need to know not to communicate with someone you don't know on-line.
11. They should never agree to meet an adult alone in an area where no one is around.
12. As teens get older, discussions about abusive dating relationships are important, focusing on what makes a good, supportive relationship.
13. End the conversation by asking them if they have any questions. They may feel giggly and reluctant and that is okay.

Conversations such as these are particularly essential before going to camp or sleep-overs. As with all difficult conversations we have with our teens, our goal is to let them know we are always there for them with a non- judgmental, listening ear.