Parenting Pointers- Teen Arrested For Not Cleaning His Room!!!

“Teen Arrested for Not Cleaning His Room,” the headlines read in Stamford, Connecticut. As parents, there are probably times when we wish we could call in the reinforcements to help us get our teens to clean their rooms! The articles continues to describe how the teen then refused to allow the police to enter his bedroom stating that it was an invasion of his privacy. How many times have we begged our children to clean their rooms and heard, “Well, it's my room and it doesn't affect you in any way!” And, if we try to clean their rooms for them, (which we probably should not do), they claim it is their private, inner sanctum which we are invading.

Whether it's a disagreement about how many clothes are lying all over the floor, or arguing about what posters they are allowed to hang on their walls, the teenager's room is their, l'havdil, Kodesh Hakadoshim (Holy of Holies) which can be only entered by him- the kohen gadol- so to speak. Their room is important to them as it represents the place where they can be with their own thoughts and plan and dream about the future. It also represents the primary tasks of adolescence which are developing a sense of independence and developing a personal identity. The way their room is decorated represents who they are. When they need some “space” from other family members they run to their rooms.

The Chicago Sun-Times once ran a messiest teen bedroom contest. The winner stated, “If I really wanted to clean it, I could.” Not cleaning his room was one way of his asserting himself.

(In today's column I will focus on the cleaning of the room aspect. At another time, I will discuss the privacy issues).

How do we deal with the cleanliness issue?

1. We need to set up the expectations with our teens, (which may involve changing our expectations). Discuss and negotiate what a “clean room” means to you and how often this cleaning needs to take place. You make the final decision, but getting their input guarantees more buy-in from them. Make consequences a part of this discussion.
2. If the above agreement is not followed- the agreed upon consequences are put into place.
3. Let's not take their not cleaning their rooms personally. As I've mentioned before, the brain of the teenager is wired for chaos, as their prefrontal cortex- the part of the brain responsible for organizing and planning- is still underdeveloped. It is difficult for them to organize a mess.
4. Make cleaning as “fun” as possible. Put on music. Read books to them while cleaning- a strategy which works even better if you start it when they are younger.
5. Help them organize initially by making a place for each item. Organizing bins, shelves and even more hampers are ways to encourage neatness. Knowing exactly where to put each item helps them feel more organized and more prone to putting things away.
6. Some teens need to actually learn the steps of cleaning up. They look at their messy rooms and feel overwhelmed. Some children need to learn “Step 1- Take all the shoes off the floor and put them on the shoe racks. Step 2- Put all dirty clothes in the hamper.” Just saying, “Clean your room” is not enough for some.

Dr. Michael Bradley, author of the book Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy! Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind, reminds parents, “The phrase we teach parents is, 'Your room makes me crazy, and I love you like crazy.' Separate the messy bedroom from the heart of the child. It's just not worth going to war over.” And, clearly not worthy of calling the police!