The Power of Praise

Mark Twain said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” The power of a good compliment or praise is undeniable. We know that in the workplace, employees are more productive when they receive regular praise. Not only does it lead the receiver to recognize how much he is appreciated, but it also leads him to further accomplishment to live up to and prove the validity of the compliments he receives.

We keep this impact of the compliment in mind as we meet with our 8^th graders in the last few weeks of school. One essential piece of their Graduation Brunch is their receiving of a sefer with a “compliments” inscription. We ask all the 8^th graders to write a compliment for each one of their classmates. “What do you admire about him/her that you never tell him/her?” We train them as to what is considered a true compliment- to focus on what makes the person unique and a special talent she might have. All the positive comments about each person were compiled into a description about the person which will be presented to him/her in that sefer.



We begin this activity by telling them the story of Sister Helen Morsla who conducted a similar activity with her elementary school class. Years later, she shares, that the list of compliments was so precious to each one of her students that they kept it with them. One of her students, Mark, was killed in Vietnam and the list was found on him when he died. One can never underestimate the power of compliment.


Dr. Erica Brown, in her article, “A Good Word” quotes Rabbi Simcha Cohen who states that in Mishlei 15:31 it states, “ A good word puts fat on the bones.” “When someone says something nice about you, you feel somehow more significant; they've put fat on your bones, an existential weight gain, so to speak. Compliments fill the heart and mind with a basic need; they are the emotional oxygen of the soul. When a person is starved for compliments, the effects can be perceived both in the short and long term. Aside from an inner agony that the person suffers, he also begins displaying signs of emotional hunger and negative behavior that result from his hunger for compliments.”




It was fascinating to see our students sitting at their computers working on their compliments. Some students struggled to write anything more than, “She is nice.” Others were able to pinpoint the exact qualities that made their classmates extraordinary. It was a wonderful exercise in appreciating our friends, and in thinking about how our words can make an impact.


Compliments are obviously beneficial for the receivers, but they also benefit the givers. By focusing on noticing the good that others do, it can boost our moods and strengthen our positive attitudes. The actual atmosphere around us becomes more positive. The Hebrew phrase of Hakarat Ha Tov stresses the power praise has for the giver. When we are grateful for the special quality of another, we are forced to recognize the good in him- a great skill for life. It forces us to forget for a moment the compliments we are seeking for ourselves and to focus on the other. Dr. Brown so aptly states, “We flatter people so that we can get places in life. We compliment people so that they can get places in life.”


As parents, we know the power our praise and compliments can have as well. But, how should we be complimenting our children? Dr. Carol Dweck did much research on the power of praise. Interestingly enough, praise can be effective- but only certain types of praise. Praise needs to be specific, sincere, and needs to praise effort. To quote a previous Parenting Pointers column, “ It teaches us a lesson when it comes to trying to promote the self-esteem of our children. We think that the more compliments we pile on- the more it will improve their self-esteem. So we tell them, 'I love that picture you made!' 'You are the best athlete on the team!' 'What a great student you are!' But, rather than these general compliments, says Rabbi Orlowek, use more specific ones to truly boost their self-concept. Like, 'That building you drew truly looks like the one we saw yesterday. The color you used was so vivid.' or 'That curveball was unbelievable!' And, we as parents need to become more like coaches who instead of saying to a player 'Great shot!' They will say, “You kept your arm at the exact angle needed.” Be specific so that children can tell you took some time to truly watch what they did.

Psychologists call that type of praise 'action or judgment praise.' For example, 'I can see you put a lot of attention and effort into that drawing.'(action) Or 'I love the colors your use to make that sunset” (judgment). When complimenting your child, compliment an action they did or a judgment they made. Notice the details of what they accomplished and then compliment them on those details. If we tell them they are the best artist we have ever seen, that leads to self-doubt, 'Can that really be possible? What if I make a mistake on my next drawing?...'”


As we lead our graduates through their last week as Yavneh students we, the faculty, truly recognize the special qualities of each and every child. We try to relay these specific compliments daily, but as we say, “Good-bye” we remember all those compliments we have not yet said. We will try to verbalize them in the coming days.